Page 8 | DP wanting to take baby out without me

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:47

@Flapjak

Seems to be a lot of women on here peddling mens rights as equality .

Well that’s pretty twisted. To say that the feminist perspective that says fathers should be equally responsible for child care (from birth) is “peddling men’s rights” like we are MRAs or some nonsense.

It’s not a right, it a responsibility for a father to independently care for their child. And feminists have campaigned for over half a century to get men to start caring for their own children as hands on coparents instead of it being viewed as the mothers job and primary purpose in her life.

I’m just gobsmacked that you are portraying well established feminist objective to get men to coparent in such a way.

Hottbutterscotch · 31/10/2021 12:50

@Jenala

OP you can feel how you want. I wouldn't have wanted them taken out without me at that age.

If your DP wants some time alone with baby, how about you go have a bath, or you pop out to the corner shop, or he could go for a short walk around the block or to a local green space. I think there's a difference between your baby being taken out to someone else's house at this age and you being elsewhere for a short period. He can parent alone without needing to go out for several hours. And likely in a matter of weeks you will feel much more comfortable anyway.

Everyone saying well if you don't let him he'll never learn to settle the baby etc is full of shit. There's plenty of ways for fathers to bond without him taking him out for several hours. OP has carried this baby inside her for 9 months, if she needs a bit more time to be comfortable then that is perfectly valid.

Perfectly put.

vajingleberry · 31/10/2021 12:51

If OP had posted that she was 4 weeks pp, her DH was away from home for 5 days out of 7, the baby was exclusively bottle fed but on the 2 days he was home she couldn't get so much as an hour's peace away from the baby he would be a lazy, shit Dad.

If he wasn't doing his share of the night feeds/changes he would be a lazy shit Dad. Cue lots of "why did you choose to have a child with this pathetic excuse for a father?"

What on earth is wrong with him taking his own child out for a couple of hours? It's not like he is suggesting taking them to a knife juggling workshop.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 12:51

If your DP wants some time alone with baby, how about you go have a bath, or you pop out to the corner shop, or he could go for a short walk around the block or to a local green space.

So dad can have some time with his baby alone but only on her terms and in a setting that suits mum?

This is babies dad, not a member of extended family, not a stranger. Why does time alone with his baby have to be controlled?

Once again, I was as attached to my babies as any one is, but when my mum asked if she could take them out for a walk - even at 4 weeks - then I had no reason not to let her because I trusted her! And I was breastfeeding. That 'instinct' that people keep mentioning is there to protect baby from harm, and I fail to see how it can be applied to them spending 1-1 time with other important and trusted people in their lives!

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 12:51

Men’s rights!!??? Don’t think so, they are more than fine thanks, this is about women’s rights and not being sub-servant and stereotypically punished for a society in which men created.

Funny how it’s men with all the power, the work, the monthly income of money and the right to “give away” their daughter in marriage, whilst women are co dependant on them.

Men’s rights….they have so many rights they couldn’t fit anymore in their pockets!!

Peanutmnm · 31/10/2021 12:55

OP, you're suffering from anxiety here. It's extremely common. But I do think you need to acknowledge that and realise it's your issue and the baby will be fine with their dad for a few hours. It's a bit unfair to take away some of the fun things of being a new dad just because you are anxious.

VampireVicki · 31/10/2021 12:56

Given that you aren't breastfeeding I think YABU, sorry.

Can you plan to have a friend visit you, or you go somewhere, or just plan a proper sleep whilst he is out?

Nocutenamesleft · 31/10/2021 12:57

I had to leave my child with my husband for weeks on end. I ended up being so unwell I was in hospital for over a year.

Without him. I’m not sure what would have happened.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:57

@Peanutmnm

OP, you're suffering from anxiety here. It's extremely common. But I do think you need to acknowledge that and realise it's your issue and the baby will be fine with their dad for a few hours. It's a bit unfair to take away some of the fun things of being a new dad just because you are anxious.

Please don't pathologist perfectly normal feelings. She is not 'suffering' from anything, certainly not 'anxiety'. She is naturally unwilling to be separated from her newborn for extended periods at this early stage.

Thefaceofboe · 31/10/2021 12:58

OP, you're suffering from anxiety here. It's extremely common. But I do think you need to acknowledge that and realise it's your issue and the baby will be fine with their dad for a few hours. It's a bit unfair to take away some of the fun things of being a new dad just because you are anxious

Anxiety? Jesus Christ, her baby is 4 weeks old!! People on here are bizarre

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 13:00

@Nocutenamesleft

I had to leave my child with my husband for weeks on end. I ended up being so unwell I was in hospital for over a year.

Without him. I’m not sure what would have happened.

Exactly, good job fir dads in situations like yours. I bet you’ve got nothing but praise for him and I bet your baby is thriving.

Justgettingbye · 31/10/2021 13:03

I couldn't even bear someone else holding my babies in the first 8 weeks.
It made me feel ill inside. I expect it's a protective mechanism.

Comments like this are insane and intense. Hornstly just let him take the baby I would have loved for my DP to offer to take the baby on his own

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 13:04

I do think the fact you're alone Monday to Friday does make things harder. My ex was in the military and away all week, when you're in a routine, used to being the sole carer it is hard to adapt at weekends anyway, especially when however someone swings it they don't have as much time to 'learn'. That said, I'm sure the time away will be welcome when you feel ready so you get a break. I imagine a lot being so dismissive having had the same set up.

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 31/10/2021 13:08

I’m finding these replies so bizarre. You’re 4 weeks post partum! There is a very well-developed instinct to keep your baby safe so early. Rationally you know baby will be fine but instinct is stronger than reason, and rightly so. The worst thing here is your DP making you feel bad for entirely naturally wanting to keep your tiny baby close. Why is he so desperate to take the baby out without you anyway? It’s not some kind of trophy for him to show off.

wonderbegone · 31/10/2021 13:10

Everyone's different and has different boundaries. I would of let your partner take the baby and enjoyed having a nap or rest.

takenforgrantednana · 31/10/2021 13:10

@roseroses

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times my wife has mentioned about me taking him out without her. Example today she wants me to take him to her brothers, I suggested she calls in there instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be on my own with him and I have explained this to my wife but she seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust myself, I do 100% and its great going out with the baby but I just don't see why she seems to want me to take him places without her so much, there's been a few occasions where she has wanted me to. she says she wants me to be able to parent him without her 'hovering around' all the time. she keeps asking how long before I will plan him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

@roseroses now read what i have put from the other prospective using your exact words, and it all seems totally unfair doesnt it? so yes you are being totally unreasonable, hes offering for you to have a bit of time alone, you could sleep? take a bath, get your hair done, have a coffee with a friend, remember your no longer connected to this baby and it is half his baby too

Peanutmnm · 31/10/2021 13:11

It is anxiety. Understandable and very common. And should pass in time once hormones calm down and she gets used to the new baby. I was the same on my first, panicked and agitated with other people holding baby and DH wanting to take him for a walk in the park. Less so on my second. And totally fine on my 3rd and 4th babies. But it's anxiety. Don't know why you're so adamant it's not.

Hathertonhariden · 31/10/2021 13:12

My ex used to take dc out to give me time to sleep/do housework etc. Wouldn't hear of us taking baby out together, I needed a break apparently. Turned out it was good way to pick up (certain) women who fell for his "hands on dad with a wife who didn't understand him" routine.

You only need to worry if he excludes you from every outing.

BunNcheese · 31/10/2021 13:12

No. Your not being OTT.

Dad's are entitled to bond too but a mother's bond is different and at 4 weeks old if your not ready to leave your baby I think you can go along and discuss your DH taking the baby in another month or so.

Elphame · 31/10/2021 13:17

I had no problem with DP taking his baby out unsupervised whenever he wanted to right from the start.

Indeed I was more than grateful for the couple of hours break. He's always been a very hands on dad and that was just fine by me. The number of times he came back from work to have a fractious baby thrust into his arms are too many to count.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 13:17

@Peanutmnm

It is anxiety. Understandable and very common. And should pass in time once hormones calm down and she gets used to the new baby. I was the same on my first, panicked and agitated with other people holding baby and DH wanting to take him for a walk in the park. Less so on my second. And totally fine on my 3rd and 4th babies. But it's anxiety. Don't know why you're so adamant it's not.

Anxiety is a mental health condition. This is a normal response! It's not a mental health issue.

georgarina · 31/10/2021 13:18

4 weeks is tiny. Baby really needs mum at that stage. 20 minutes, half an hour or so is all I would want at that age. If you're bfing that also factors into it.

Can he go out and get you both coffees with the baby and come back, that kind of thing?

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 13:19

Why is he so desperate to take the baby out without you anyway? It’s not some kind of trophy for him to show off.

So a dad wanting to take baby on their own for a bit is them using baby as a trophy now?? Christ on a bike.

And if he wasn't interested in doing something that essential gives him some 1-1 and you a break, there'd be posters asking why you had a child with such a waste of skin.

I'm starting to understand why some once involved dad's start checking out of parenting now.

Thefaceofboe · 31/10/2021 13:22

It’s all well and good saying ‘I let my DP take baby out at that age, I was glad of the break’ but OP isn’t happy with it? Everyone feels different at this stage and just because it wasn’t an issue for you, doesn’t make her unreasonable.

Feedingthebirds1 · 31/10/2021 13:23

At first I thought the OP was being unfair but I've changed my mind. I think the fact that he's not there five days out of seven skews it. It means that the OP HAS to be the only caregiver for that time. So the father is a relative stranger to the baby, and understandably, even if she shouldn't, the OP is going to be nervous having someone who has so little contact doing this with the baby that aren't necessarily done the way she would.

If he was there regularly, did the basics on a daily basis - changing, burping, whatever - it would be different, but he isn't and doesn't. I understand him wanting to have the time alone to be the baby's father, but that's not the reality of their lives. And his wanting to take the baby to his brother's seems to be going from 0 - 100 in very short order. It won't be just for half an hour, no doubt brother and any other relatives there will all want a cuddle, and if the baby gets distressed in that environment the person he relies on for security won't be there.

Can you negotiate a compromise OP? Half an hour just the two of them going for a walk, or in the house while you make yourself scarce? Get him to do a nappy change on his own when you're not even in the room, and if he shouts for help trust him to work it out for himself?

DP wanting to take baby out without me

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