Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2021 12:25

@Lovemusic33

I would let him, there’s no reason why he can’t take him for a couple hours whilst you get some rest and some time to yourself. I think it’s good for the baby as they can become really clingy if they spend all there time with you, best to get them used to being away from you for a short time as early as possible, your dp is just as capable of being alone with the baby as you are?
There was a thread the other day about birth stories. A poster reported one of the mums in the post natal ward refused to pick her newborn baby up when they were screaming as ‘it had to learn’. This clingy myth for a newborn is another load of crap.
SickAndTiredAgain · 31/10/2021 12:25

I didn't say that, in fact I said that it would be fine for him to take the baby out for short periods which an hour is.
I said it would not be beneficial to take the baby away from mum for longer periods, which is what the father is proposing.

To be fair, I don’t think OP has said how far away the brother lives or how long the father has suggested taking the baby for. He might live just round the corner and they’ll be gone for half an hour. You don’t know what the father is proposing.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:27

Prenatal attachment is very significant. Babies are born knowing who their mothers are.

And their fathers too. Numerous studies shown that babies know mother because they recognise her voice...and also that of their father from hearing it in utero. All attachment then flows from what happens after that initial recognition. If the mother is sole carer, the baby doesn’t form an attachment with the father.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 12:28

Unless you think women parents automatically out rank every man on the planet, even if they are shit mothers, due to the fact they are a woman?

Sadly it seems to be a popular opinion in this board. Lost count of the amount of times I've been told I must be a man to hold the opinions I do.

And here was me thinking women wanted to move away from stereotypical matriarchal parenting. Of course what OP feels is normal, but dad wants to parent his newborn too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what he's suggesting.

The DP would be getting a right roasting if OP posted that he didn't take any role in parenting and did nothing for baby. Seems it has to fit a certain criteria to be done 'right' by dad. Which appears to be: take an active role unless it steps on mums toes or dad wants to make decisions for baby that are different to the opinion of the mum. In which case it defaults to mum is always right, and how dare dad disagree/have a different opinion.

12rfdss · 31/10/2021 12:28

I think some posters here are being a bit harsh.
It's natural for a mother not to want to be parted from her newborn. Tell OP once he is 6 weeks old/not a newborn, you may feel more comfortable.
You grew this baby and it is a natural instinct not to be away from your newborn baby. If we were talking about a 6 month old, yes OTT. But a newborn?

12rfdss · 31/10/2021 12:30

DP*

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 12:30

It’s words like
“Give the mum a break” “go take a nap” “his not the mother so not as important” that has moulded society and women to believe they are shit parents if they allow themselves to let the other PARENT, who is equal to them, do anything.
This is due to the old way, when women stayed at home and did the childcare and men went of to work to provide for the little woman and HER children. Men didn’t even interact with children much in the olden days, hence- children should be seen, not heard.

Society is now changing, but only just, it takes many many years, it has not yet worked into society fully yet that dads are as equal and capable of parenting as any other parents are.

It will get there eventually though, as that’s what always happens, societies change, just very slowly.

Olivegreenstrawberries · 31/10/2021 12:30

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

He's giving you a break.

Take it.

Absolutely this
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:30

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Totally agree. Attachment 1930’s style 😂

This is what happens when people read posts through the lens of their own experiences and prejudices. You haven't read what I have written properly at all.

I have read it properly but I disagree with some of your belief systems and I think they’re outdated.

As the other poster pointed out, occasionally women die during childbirth and the dad has to bring up the baby on his own. More often than not, the end result is a well adjusted adult.

Not all men are great dads in the same way an not at women are great mothers.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 12:32

Prenatal attachment is so important and relevant. To be honest, when mine was tiny he didn't know his dad's voice, smell etc. that bond came with time.

The clingy newborn myth is bollocks too. DS didn't leave the house without me until a couple of months old. He's a calm, happy and independent one year old now, more than happy to spend a day with daddy not me.

No one is saying fathers don't matter FFS. But what's the rush to take baby away from his mother at such a young age when she's clearly not ready.

HarrisMcCoo · 31/10/2021 12:32

They just sleep all the time at that age. Get yourself settled at home with a cup of tea. Relax. Enjoy the peace and quiet and your DP will be back before you know it.

Warblerinwinter · 31/10/2021 12:33

Is it an option, Op, to ask for the first few times, visitors come to yours. You take yourself off to bed, bath or another room to chill with strict understanding your partner cares for him alone with visitor for x hours. That can include a short walk outside or quick visit to cafe - or as another reader said her DH did a quick breakfast or lunch.
If things go a bit bonkers with the baby- or dad needs advice you are there and on hand, but you butt out and put up some boundaries that keep you out the way for agreed time if going swimmingly
Really worth thinking about becuase if you build up your confidence and decrease your anxiety (which is perfectly normal) you’ll soon appreciate dad taking baby off for time together and you can get a break to be you . It will discourage him if you say no outright now. Find a compromise. Agree to something as a start and agree that it will evolve from that point at a good pace.
I personally would be a little concerned about dad taking baby on his own if he’s had just 1 weekend with him- does seem overly confident and overly dismissive of complexity of trying the feck to understand why a very tiny baby is crying! Sure as heck I was overwhelmed with it even after 3 months of full time looking after, so unless dad is trained nurse, paediatrician he’s being a bit blasé about how easy it is given his experience.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:33

@Rainbowheart1

It’s words like “Give the mum a break” “go take a nap” “his not the mother so not as important” that has moulded society and women to believe they are shit parents if they allow themselves to let the other PARENT, who is equal to them, do anything. This is due to the old way, when women stayed at home and did the childcare and men went of to work to provide for the little woman and HER children. Men didn’t even interact with children much in the olden days, hence- children should be seen, not heard.

Society is now changing, but only just, it takes many many years, it has not yet worked into society fully yet that dads are as equal and capable of parenting as any other parents are.

It will get there eventually though, as that’s what always happens, societies change, just very slowly.

Great post. Sadly many on this thread are holding on to this outdated belief system. I’m going to count the number of times it’s been said that “it’s natural” or “instinct” as that is not science but belief, and a belief that tells women it is their place to be sole carer for a newborn, and that anything different is therefore “unnatural” “selfish” “bad for baby” etc
Grimbelina · 31/10/2021 12:34

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

"And here was me thinking women wanted to move away from stereotypical matriarchal parenting"

I don't think anyone wants to move away from a mother not listening to her instincts to keep her very small baby close.

Doesn't sound quite so 'progressive' though....

Flapjak · 31/10/2021 12:34

Seems to be a lot of women on here peddling mens rights as equality .

amidsummernightsdream · 31/10/2021 12:34

Can not understand some of these responses, your baby is 4 weeks old!! (Not 4 months!!)
You are NOT unreasonable to feel like this, it’s completely, normal, understandable. Take things at your own pace. Please don’t be bullied or pressured into anything.

Things should still be about what’s best for you and baby at this point

Hottbutterscotch · 31/10/2021 12:37

OP doesn’t want to be separated so that’s that really. If it causes her anxiety then it’s no good for her. The father may be an equal parent but he hasn’t just been through pregnancy and childbirth so at this stage the mother’s health take priority.

In one of my post natal stages I had way too many visitors and too much ‘input’(polite term) from my in laws. Baby was held for hours whilst I sat there longing to have them back. PND ensued. The care plan from specialist midwives in the next pregnancy was for me to only allow what I was comfortable with.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:38

Back in the day, many men wouldn’t be seen dead pushing a pram as it was a woman’s job. I’ve even got a friend who proudly announced her DH wouldn’t change nappies or push prams Confused I was just like dear god.

Thankfully things are changing and most dads fo push prams and change nappies are are more than capable.

Thankfully we’re also moving forward in society whereby a guy couple can adopt, whereby 25 years ago that would have been unheard of.

The more love a child gets by people that want to look after, care for a love that child, the better the outcome

Grimbelina · 31/10/2021 12:40

Flapjak agreed, and leads rather neatly to surrogacy and the concept of wombs for hire.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:41

@Flapjak

Seems to be a lot of women on here peddling mens rights as equality .
It’s not because they are promoting the rights of men for the benefit of men, it’s for the benefit of the child.
Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 12:42

Of course the Op is not unreasonable to “feel” the way she does, but that is what we are saying, she feels this way because society has told her so, told her she NEEDS to be with her baby 24/7 or very bad things are likely to happen. This is belief, it is not science.

In 60 years time, belief will change, belief will be that parents are equal and a man must step up and parent their child as much as a woman does (that looks to me the way it’s heading anyway, with more woman than ever now entering the workforce).

If you step away and think about it, was is the op scared off? Scared the baby will get hurt? Scared of an accident? This could happen no matter what or who the baby is with, she is scared to be separated, because society has told her to be!

SickAndTiredAgain · 31/10/2021 12:43

I personally would be a little concerned about dad taking baby on his own if he’s had just 1 weekend with him- does seem overly confident and overly dismissive of complexity

The baby is 4 weeks and the dad has been back at work one week (so I assume he was away this Monday-Friday just gone), so he’s not just had one weekend with him at all.
I agree he shouldn’t take the baby out for any significant amount of time, but I think it’s a little unfair to dismiss him as over-confident and not understanding.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 12:43

@Grimbelina

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

"And here was me thinking women wanted to move away from stereotypical matriarchal parenting"

I don't think anyone wants to move away from a mother not listening to her instincts to keep her very small baby close.

Doesn't sound quite so 'progressive' though....

Those instincts are great, we have them to keep our babies safe from harm. It's a protection thing, and I was just as attached to my babies as the next person. But baby isn't going to come to any harm being with his dad for a couple of hours! This 'instinct' is that somehow baby won't be safe, and that's just not true!
Jenala · 31/10/2021 12:43

OP you can feel how you want. I wouldn't have wanted them taken out without me at that age.

If your DP wants some time alone with baby, how about you go have a bath, or you pop out to the corner shop, or he could go for a short walk around the block or to a local green space. I think there's a difference between your baby being taken out to someone else's house at this age and you being elsewhere for a short period. He can parent alone without needing to go out for several hours. And likely in a matter of weeks you will feel much more comfortable anyway.

Everyone saying well if you don't let him he'll never learn to settle the baby etc is full of shit. There's plenty of ways for fathers to bond without him taking him out for several hours. OP has carried this baby inside her for 9 months, if she needs a bit more time to be comfortable then that is perfectly valid.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:44

@Grimbelina

Flapjak agreed, and leads rather neatly to surrogacy and the concept of wombs for hire.
Surrogacy is a different thread altogether though. Women would also seek to use a surrogate though, it’s not just men….
Swipe left for the next trending thread