Page 9 | DP wanting to take baby out without me

AgathaAllAlong · 31/10/2021 13:25

I'd highly recommend letting him. Being sole parent looking after baby builds bonds and let's them develop their own relationship. This is especially needed if you are sole parent during the week.

DP didn't "let" me look after baby alone until roughly around 3-4 weeks and it really damaged my bond with DS when he was a newborn, and also has left me with lots of resentment and psychological distress that will probably at some point require counselling. No exaggeration to say that (along with breastfeeding issues) it ruined the first few weeks of DS's life for me, that prescious time I'll never get back. I remember the first time I took DS out alone I almost had a panic attack because DP had convinced me that I wouldn't be able to do it. Not being allowed to take DS out alone was one of the biggest factors that almost caused me postpartum depression, I think I teetered on the edge of it. I'm still furious that no one stepped in and helped me, I was so obviously out of it and unable to stand up for myself.

I think the fact that I am a woman and DP is a man makes this seem very bad to the few people who know, but really it's no different if it's the dad being prevented from having that time.

EggsellentSmithers · 31/10/2021 13:26

Wow. I feel like you’re totally being flamed unnecessarily here!! I wasn’t ready to leave the baby that I grew inside me 4 weeks after she came out. Your hormones are still all over the place. And I assume you’re “hovering about” because you live there too and you’re on mat leave and actually with a tiny baby not everyone is confident getting out and about at this early stage. I think he needs to listen to you and understand you don’t want to be apart just yet.

Congratulations on your new baby and I hope thins all settle down soon. Being new parents is hard on you both 💐

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 13:26

Well it does technically make her unreasonable, not to feel the way she does, but would to act on it. Would you like to be told by your husband you can’t take the baby out without him there? Especially if you’ve done nothing of the sort to suggest your not capable.

vajingleberry · 31/10/2021 13:26

Why is he so desperate to take the baby out without you anyway? It’s not some kind of trophy for him to show off.

It's his child FFS

He isn't suggesting they hire an open top bus and parade through the streets with an oompah band. He wants to take his child to see a family member. That's a perfectly normal thing to want to do and he is perfectly capable of doing it. Yes, all by himself. A Dad being, y'know, a Dad.

BadNomad · 31/10/2021 13:26

@Feedingthebirds1

At first I thought the OP was being unfair but I've changed my mind. I think the fact that he's not there five days out of seven skews it. It means that the OP HAS to be the only caregiver for that time. So the father is a relative stranger to the baby, and understandably, even if she shouldn't, the OP is going to be nervous having someone who has so little contact doing this with the baby that aren't necessarily done the way she would.

If he was there regularly, did the basics on a daily basis - changing, burping, whatever - it would be different, but he isn't and doesn't. I understand him wanting to have the time alone to be the baby's father, but that's not the reality of their lives. And his wanting to take the baby to his brother's seems to be going from 0 - 100 in very short order. It won't be just for half an hour, no doubt brother and any other relatives there will all want a cuddle, and if the baby gets distressed in that environment the person he relies on for security won't be there.

Can you negotiate a compromise OP? Half an hour just the two of them going for a walk, or in the house while you make yourself scarce? Get him to do a nappy change on his own when you're not even in the room, and if he shouts for help trust him to work it out for himself?

He was there full-time for the first three weeks. He's only been back to work for a week. He is not a stranger.

BananaPB · 31/10/2021 13:29

How many hours would it be if he went to his brothers?

I think that yabu for not listening to the part where he says he'd like to do some parenting without you hovering about. Are you correcting him or offering him advice when he tries? If so I can see why he thinks the solution is to go out with just the baby for a bit.

I understand why you don't want to be apart and if it was anybody other than Dad then I'd agree but he needs time and a chance to learn how to parent too. Is there a compromise that can be made here ?

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 13:30

@Thefaceofboe

It’s all well and good saying ‘I let my DP take baby out at that age, I was glad of the break’ but OP isn’t happy with it? Everyone feels different at this stage and just because it wasn’t an issue for you, doesn’t make her unreasonable.

No, and she's not unreasonable for feeling how she feels. But what is unreasonable is a dad having to ask permission to do something with his own baby and having to defer to his partners wishes.

So when is he 'allowed' then? 6 weeks old? 2 months? 3 months? When OP decides? And if so, why is it only up to OP what happens and when? I could totally see resentment growing there.

wombatspoopcubes · 31/10/2021 13:30

I was the same in the beginning. Had nothing to do with DH, I just wanted to be close by my baby. We did have a traumatic start in NICU so that might have made it worse. For us at home it started with DH taking her out for short and then longer walks. I do breastfeed so she was never gone for long. She's 11 months and I can now leave her for longer but I do start missing her after about 3-4 hours. I think it's a biological urge to want to be close to your baby.

Start simple. He doesn't have to take her away to other people for hours in the beginning. A short walk, going to a local shop, feeding the ducks, that might be easier to start with till you feel more ready.

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 13:31

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times my wife has mentioned about me taking him out without her. Example today she wants me to take him to her brothers, I suggested she calls in there instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be on my own with him and I have explained this to my wife but she seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust myself, I do 100% and its great going out with the baby but I just don't see why she seems to want me to take him places without her so much, there's been a few occasions where she has wanted me to. she says she wants me to be able to parent him without her 'hovering around' all the time. she keeps asking how long before I will plan him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

This isn't the opposite of what OP posted though, it doesn't even make sense

The opposite would be along the lines of:

My partner is a few weeks post partum. I work away Monday to Friday, so as well as healing physically and adapting to motherhood (the forth trimester is widely acknowledged now as a real thing), I am upset as I wanted to go to my brothers, but she was open and honest with me about not wanting to be away from our baby yet. She did reiterate that it wasn't as she doesn't trust me with our baby, and suggested that my brother come to us instead, which would be easier anyway as all of baby's stuff is here; but for some unknown reason I am not content with this. Even though my job dictates that she takes on the absolute lions share of childcare, I really want to go against her wishes and reasonable compromise and take the baby out anyway.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 13:32

I'm starting to understand why some once involved dad's start checking out of parenting now.

Agree. Many of the posters saying its “natural” and “instinct” that “baby needs mum” are the same posters who have complained ad nauseum on MN about their partners not pulling their weight with their DCs.

I think I understand now more than ever, that they truly created that situation for themselves by adhering to the outdated sexist belief that mother is best for baby and baby is unsafe if not with mummy 24/7. If you sideline the other parent from day 1, they’re going to stop trying to coparent and leave you to it.

Then you reap what you sow in terms of by being sole carer, the baby then has no bond with father or less of a bond...which then leads to you deciding to take more time of work or only work PT...because baby wants you, not dad. Baby wants you because you made it so by being sole carer for newborn stage. It’s not due to mothers being inherently different or better for baby. You did it to yourself.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 13:33

@PlanDeRaccordement

I'm starting to understand why some once involved dad's start checking out of parenting now.

Agree. Many of the posters saying its “natural” and “instinct” that “baby needs mum” are the same posters who have complained ad nauseum on MN about their partners not pulling their weight with their DCs.

I think I understand now more than ever, that they truly created that situation for themselves by adhering to the outdated sexist belief that mother is best for baby and baby is unsafe if not with mummy 24/7. If you sideline the other parent from day 1, they’re going to stop trying to coparent and leave you to it.

Then you reap what you sow in terms of by being sole carer, the baby then has no bond with father or less of a bond...which then leads to you deciding to take more time of work or only work PT...because baby wants you, not dad. Baby wants you because you made it so by being sole carer for newborn stage. It’s not due to mothers being inherently different or better for baby. You did it to yourself.

Absolutely 100%

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 13:34

I would say though have a nice bath, rest in bed or whatever and then he can do stuff by himself- it's hard to switch back and forth though, it takes time and I'd try and get support and advice from others who have been in the same situation rather than those who have zero understanding on it.

sarah13xx · 31/10/2021 13:35

No I don’t think so! I think you can never imagine how you’ll feel about being away from them until they’re actually here. My little one is almost 12 weeks and all I’ve ever been away from him is for an hour to get my hair done while he’s with my mum and one night out (when he stayed in with DH so it was fine). My mum has been saying we should go out for dinner etc and leave her with him but I just don’t feel any need to. He’s a really good baby and maybe I’m finding it much easier than I had first thought it would be but I feel like I’ve had my whole life without him so why do I need to be away from him now? 🤷🏼‍♀️ I totally get if people are sleep deprived or struggling it’s healthy to have some time away from them but I also think it’s fine if you don’t want to at all! My friend has a baby just a few weeks older than mine and they have been away overnights to hotels etc and left baby with family but I just wouldn’t enjoy that at all!

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 13:36

Even though my job dictates that she takes on the absolute lions share of childcare, I really want to go against her wishes and reasonable compromise and take the baby out anyway.

Or how about.. "I know that my job means she has to do the lions share of the parenting (because it IS parenting not childcare) so I'd like to feel I'm contributing by not only giving her a break but also getting some 1-1 time with my newborn."

There. Fixed it.

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 13:37

@PlanDeRaccordement

I'm starting to understand why some once involved dad's start checking out of parenting now.

Agree. Many of the posters saying its “natural” and “instinct” that “baby needs mum” are the same posters who have complained ad nauseum on MN about their partners not pulling their weight with their DCs.

I think I understand now more than ever, that they truly created that situation for themselves by adhering to the outdated sexist belief that mother is best for baby and baby is unsafe if not with mummy 24/7. If you sideline the other parent from day 1, they’re going to stop trying to coparent and leave you to it.

Then you reap what you sow in terms of by being sole carer, the baby then has no bond with father or less of a bond...which then leads to you deciding to take more time of work or only work PT...because baby wants you, not dad. Baby wants you because you made it so by being sole carer for newborn stage. It’s not due to mothers being inherently different or better for baby. You did it to yourself.

But her partner is away during the week for work, she has to be sole carer during the week, and it's not easy just switching off at weekends and having them swan off again. Because his career has such an impact on OP, perhaps he should be a bit more flexible, and rather than demanding what he wants talk together about how they're going to make it work, and compromise. The baby is only 4 weeks old as well ffs.

gluteustothemaximus · 31/10/2021 13:37

My partner is a few weeks post partum. I work away Monday to Friday, so as well as healing physically and adapting to motherhood (the forth trimester is widely acknowledged now as a real thing), I am upset as I wanted to go to my brothers, but she was open and honest with me about not wanting to be away from our baby yet. She did reiterate that it wasn't as she doesn't trust me with our baby, and suggested that my brother come to us instead, which would be easier anyway as all of baby's stuff is here; but for some unknown reason I am not content with this. Even though my job dictates that she takes on the absolute lions share of childcare, I really want to go against her wishes and reasonable compromise and take the baby out anyway.

Very well put.

NewlyGranny · 31/10/2021 13:37

At 4 weeks, OP is still in the phase of "primary maternal preoccupation" which is nature's way of making sure the food-producing parent doesn't put baby down somewhere and forget about it!

Her feelings about being separated from her DC are completely natural and absolutely valid. DH just needs to listen, not take a natural phenomenon personally and hang on a few weeks. Meantime, as PPs have sensibly suggested, he can take sole charge at home or on a short walk for increasing periods while OP has a bath or a nap or goes for coffee with friends.

A new baby is not a gadget to be shown off, not are they a 50:50 possession with both names on like a car!

endofagain · 31/10/2021 13:41

It takes at least 6 weeks to establish breast feeding and cluster feeding and unpredictability is part of that. I would be anxious at the thought that the baby might be hungry and distressed for some time before he could be brought back to me.
Once baby was a bit older and feeds predictable I would be happy for anyone trustworthy to take them out for a while.
IMO 4 weeks is too soon and it has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with biology.

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 13:43

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Even though my job dictates that she takes on the absolute lions share of childcare, I really want to go against her wishes and reasonable compromise and take the baby out anyway.

Or how about.. "I know that my job means she has to do the lions share of the parenting (because it IS parenting not childcare) so I'd like to feel I'm contributing by not only giving her a break but also getting some 1-1 time with my newborn."

There. Fixed it.

It is parenting yes, but she solely cares for the child during the week; to call it parenting makes it seem I would be suggesting he was a part time parent and he is not, but he is not having to do the lions share of caring, no. He isn't doing this with OP in mind either, if he was then be would listen. He just wants to do what he wants to do, if he wanted 1 on 1 time he could suggest many things other than going to his brothers probably for a few hours.

BadNomad · 31/10/2021 13:44

Baby isn't breastfed.

SickAndTiredAgain · 31/10/2021 13:45

@endofagain OP isn’t breastfeeding.

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/10/2021 13:51

A very young baby is biologically meant to be with their mother at all times.

maddiemookins16mum · 31/10/2021 13:51

Neither of you are being unreasonable.
Compromise is the key here.

NewlyGranny · 31/10/2021 13:51

Does OP's DH realise that the baby doesn't yet even know where he stops and his DM begins? They need to be close enough to connect quickly at this stage. I would have felt incredibly anxious if separated from one of mine at just a few weeks. In fact I went to hospital with a poorly twin at less than 2 weeks old and had to leave the healthy one with DH and my visiting DM. There was bronchiolitis on the paediatric ward and they refused to admit a healthy baby, even though breastfed.

I still have nightmares about that time! My anxiety was off the scale between the state of the sick one and being separated from the other.

thebuswontfit · 31/10/2021 13:51

I totally understand your thoughts but he has to learn how to look after the baby and he needs to build his confidence

Believe me! You need to let him have some responsibility for your iwn sake

Start with 1-2 hours whilst you catch up on sleep

DP wanting to take baby out without me

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