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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 18:18

So a father doesn’t need to bond with his child? And “feeling uncomfortable” due to anxiety caused by sexist socialisation is something she should just accept and conform to?

Mookie81 · 31/10/2021 18:21

@gluteustothemaximus

The baby wouldn’t exist without the dad. The baby is 50% dads….

And we all know how hard it is to make sperm.

Your baby is 4 weeks old OP. The other parent is not there 5/7 days.

There is a reason you feel uncomfortable with this, and it's because it's natural.

DH wouldn't have dreamed of taking any of our children out without me at 4 weeks old, because he knows me and knows I wouldn't have felt comfortable with that.

To tell you, you are being OTT, after you gave birth 4 weeks ago....

Trust your gut OP, if it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.

And congratulations on your new baby Flowers

It can be hard to make decent sperm, or sperm at all so stick your dismissive comment where the sun doesn't shine.
Pawsforsort · 31/10/2021 18:24

I think there comes a point when showing how much you've fought the system goes too far the other way. Its okay for a woman who has given birth less than a month ago to want to be around her child, just as if she was happy with the father taking the child out when it was a few days old is great- no judgement. For once men can perhaps support their partners and listen rather than getting the hump. At 4 weeks this isn't a sign of anxiety, or any other crap the I'm so liberated I don't get blown over by social norm crew are spouting. Plenty of ways he can bond with their child.

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KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 18:28

He has to accept that if he wants something that makes his partner uncomfortable, he doesn’t get it.

Yeah that might apply to some things, but not to his own baby.

lavenderlemon · 31/10/2021 18:28

I get your feelings op.
Your baby is still teeny tiny and I wouldn't want that to happen either for another few months at least.
What exactly can't he do without you there? I get he wants to show his baby off but he can do that with you there?

Anyone that says how would you feel if he didn't like you taking him out of your own is just ridiculous. You've just given birth and had a huge shift in hormones. Your instincts are to protect this baby. Of course your husband wants to care for him but it's not the same.

They won't struggle to bind just because he hasn't take him out all day on his own. Why can't he enjoy him while you have a bath or nap etc.

My baby is 6mo and my husband still totally gets I don't want to be away from her. He would maybe suggest taking her for a dog walk for 30 mins or so but never for hours.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 18:31

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods I didn’t say anything about gay parents not being nurturing. I said a very young baby should be with their mother.[/quote]
You said that gay parents should adopt an older child so a baby isn't separated from its mum, indicating you don't think they're capable of raising a newborn without its mum. Which is outdated bollocks.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 18:33

@MyDcAreMarvel this is what you said:

Maybe they might realise that having a surrogate and taking a baby away from their biological mother is extremely damaging and adopt an older child instead

Indicating a newborn taken from its mother and raised by a gay couple is damaging to the child.

MrsA2015 · 31/10/2021 18:33

As the person who birthed the baby is be inclined to tell him to piss off. Why does he feel the need to upset you further than what raging hormones are probably doing.

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/10/2021 18:36

Indicating a newborn taken from its mother and raised by a gay couple is damaging to the child.

A newborn being taken from their mother is damaging to a child no matter who does the raising, even if it’s necessary for safeguarding reasons.

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Lovebeingamummy2 · 31/10/2021 18:41

@MrsA2015

As the person who birthed the baby is be inclined to tell him to piss off. Why does he feel the need to upset you further than what raging hormones are probably doing.
Love that!
KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 18:41

@MyDcAreMarvel

Indicating a newborn taken from its mother and raised by a gay couple is damaging to the child.

A newborn being taken from their mother is damaging to a child no matter who does the raising, even if it’s necessary for safeguarding reasons.

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Well have to agree to disagree there.

As for safeguarding reasons, a child will be far better away from its mother if there's abuse or neglect etc. To leave it in her care would cause far more damage than removing it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/10/2021 18:48

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods did you miss the part where I said necessary?

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 18:52

@YukoandHiro

It's totally normal to feel this way. DP's job right now is to support you in any way that suits and if you want to stay with the baby that's fine
This. Fully support fathers being cometary involved and caring for their children independently but it's only 4 weeks...Primal hormones flooding your system are designed to keep you and baby safe. He should ease off a bit for a while.
Reptar · 31/10/2021 19:04

Again, can people stop pretending that the mother is preventing the father from bonding with his baby? There's no biological rule that says one parent must remove the baby from the other to be able to bond with it.

Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 19:24

Same posters would be quick to call bullshit on a thread where a grandparent is demanding alone time with a baby to bond with it. @Reptar

I don’t think my husband ever took my daughter out alone until her little brother was born when she was 2. Funnily enough they have more of a bond than we do atm. And that’s absolutely fine.
If a father has to take a child away from its mother at 4 weeks old to feel bonded to it I think said father needs to get a grip tbh.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 19:29

@Staryflight445

Same posters would be quick to call bullshit on a thread where a grandparent is demanding alone time with a baby to bond with it. *@Reptar*

I don’t think my husband ever took my daughter out alone until her little brother was born when she was 2. Funnily enough they have more of a bond than we do atm. And that’s absolutely fine.
If a father has to take a child away from its mother at 4 weeks old to feel bonded to it I think said father needs to get a grip tbh.

Grandparents aren’t parents!!!
MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 19:30

@Mookie81 Whilst the comment may have been dismissive it isn't untrue to an extent! Just because it may be 'hard' to make decent sperm it doesn't actually mean it's physically hard, or taxing on the body usually, it is usually a passive process and then when the sperm leaves the body there is no lasting damage to the man. Unlike pregnancy and childbirth ....

Too many posters are dismissing the impact of brain changes and hormonal fluctuations for women who have been pregnant and given birth. It is in no way similar for men, and the contribution of genetic material to create a child is NOT the same as HOSTING THE CHILD IN YOUR BODY for 9 months and then having the child dramatically exit via the vagina or through major surgery. It is brain and body altering. Please can we stop being ridiculous, what an infuriating thread.

No one is saying the OPs partner cannot bond with the baby but he needs to consider her needs too, and many mothers feel a biological desire to be close to their baby when they're a newborn still.
Those who say 'oh but these are the women who moan that their DP does f*ck all?!' NOPE - there are many months and years for him to step up. Wanting to be with baby when they're tiny isn't an excuse for him to back out longer term.

Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 19:47

@TableFlowerss yeah and by your logic clearly allowed allowed to bond with their grandchildren.

Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 19:47

Clearly not allowed’

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 19:49

@MilkywayMonarch22
I read your post and all I see the same old Mother Nature sexism....

Due to the natural brain changes and hormone fluctuations of pregnancy and childbirth, women naturally have a biological desire to be close to their newborns? And because men are passive sperm donors they therefore cannot feel any desire to be with their newborns?

This is sexism wrapped in faux biology with a bit of mother worshipping woo. But you cannot see it because you’ve been socialised to believe this since birth as a female. It’s so infuriating!
The later the father “steps up” the harder it is on the mother to let go, the baby to adjust and the father to get competent.

Aspiringmatriarch · 31/10/2021 19:59

Due to the natural brain changes and hormone fluctuations of pregnancy and childbirth, women naturally have a biological desire to be close to their newborns? And because men are passive sperm donors they therefore cannot feel any desire to be with their newborns?

It's not about whether or not the dad can be with the baby. It's whether in order to do that he needs to take the baby away from the mum for several hours when she's neither ready for nor comfortable with it. He can step up in every possible way without taking the baby to his brother's surely?

Mother Nature is pretty sexist when it comes to the process of having babies, that doesn't mean you have to follow any particular ideological approach but surely it's possible to respect the fact that a new mother might not want to be away from her four week old? What's the hurry anyway? She might feel different in a few weeks time and I'm sure within the next few months will be more than ready. It's normal.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 20:01

@PlanDeRaccordement That's pure bullshit unfortunately. The father can be supporting from the start but it doesn't mean the mother needs to be out of the picture.

It's not sexism, it's science. It's not mother worshipping, it's acknowledging the very real impact that pregnancy and childbirth has on a woman's brain and body. So please do go and educate yourself.

Oh, and I never said a father doesn't feel a need to be close to his newborn. Just because their process of contributing genetic material/growing the child is a lot less taxing than a woman's contribution it doesn't mean they can't love and be nurturing. My DH did every single night feed with me from birth, he would pass DD to me to breastfeed and settle her back down after. It didn't require him removing her from my presence to bond Hmm

MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 20:04

Also @PlanDeRaccordement are you saying it's faux biology that a woman's brain and hormones change post birth/pregnancy? That is widely accepted knowledge, hence the watch for PND/PNA/PNP

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 20:07

@MilkywayMonarch22
Educate myself? Hilarious. I have four DC. Been pregnant 6x (two miscarriages). So, I think I will pass on your suggestion as it smacks of a recommendation of totalitarian re-education camp on all the mother woo I should have felt when my babies were born and still tiny...because “biology”.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 20:09

[quote Staryflight445]@TableFlowerss yeah and by your logic clearly allowed allowed to bond with their grandchildren.[/quote]
Parents are equal…. Grandparents should be allowed to bond but if there’s an issue and parents don’t want them to then that’s up to them. Grandparents rights don’t trump rights of parents, though it’s nice fur grandparents to be involved etc…

Mother and father are equal…….