DP wanting to take baby out without me

[roseroses]

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

[quote ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]@ThirdElephant

"you may not have had it"

🤣🤣🤣 give over with your passive aggressive comments.

try being seriously ill in hospital for 3 nights when your baby is just a few weeks old and breastfeed him for potentially for the last time just before the morphine drip goes in.

unless her DP is the Childcatcher working for human traffickers OP is being totally OTT.[/quote]
Genuinely not passive agretssive at all! Different people feel things different ways.

Like that whole rush of love loads of people report getting just after the birth- this euphoria and sense of amazement everyone talks about on here. I didn't get that either time. It doesn't mean that the other people are lying, or that it's not a biologically-determined thing. Different people's bodies work different ways, that's all.

Also some of these responses are a load of shit, as long as a mother is well and capable and in a child's life then the baby benefits from being close to her. That is widely accepted and based in research.

A father needs to bond too, or another caregiver, but why does a baby need to be taken away from the mum for him to do that. That's a cop out.

When I had DD and was breastfeeding, she was with me ALL THE TIME but DH was heavily involved. He would pass her to me for feeds in the night so she got a cuddle, she would then go back to him after a feed and a cuddle and he would get the rest of the sleepy cuddles.

OPs partner can do the nappy changes, he can do some of the feeds, he can put baby to bed, he can get up in the night with mum so baby sees them both..,. No reason why he has to take baby away though when mum isn't happy about it yet....

So many people are forgetting the impact of hormones and the shift in the brain that happens during pregnancy and birth....you can't just pretend that it isn't real?

OP your feelings are valid. Ignore the posters who twisting it to make out you have anxiety, old fashioned concepts of motherhood etc. The fact is we females carry a baby for 9 months. We are not imrobot incubators for the human race or wombs for rent. You feel the way you do as this is natures way to ensure attachment. There is nothing wrong in doing joint parenting but in terms of a newborn infant i would be concerned about a father that does not care about a mothers instinct to not be away from the baby

@Midlifemusings

I can only imagine what gay dads think reading this thread - that they just don't biologically have what it takes to properly parent an infant and that all a young child needs is a mother and dads just are not what an infant needs.

Gay dads with a 4 week old infant would be a whole other conversation to have and one that won't make the arguments you think it will

15:14roarfeckingroarr

'This thread is the antithesis of feminism. A new mother's instincts being ignored in favour of the father. The baby is four WEEKS old'

I totally agree and i am more from the radical feminist school of thought

@MilkywayMonarch22

This is tricky and some of the responses are a bit cut and dry. It's not that simple!

Of course your DP should be spending plenty of time with your baby but it is hard to let go when they're so so tiny.

I breastfed so DP physically couldn't be away from me for more than 1 hour as she would breastfeed every 60-90 mins until 4 months!!!!!! And then every 2 hours until 5/6 months. So it was a struggle for him until she got much older to have any time with her, and now she's in the separation anxiety phase she just wants me anyway.

Also up until 3 months I was very anxious about anyone holding her and that was definitely hormones. I hated people touching her, even close family, and if she started crying I would want her back with me or DH immediately. I had to force myself to let people hold her so she could begin build a relationship with others. It's hard, don't beat yourself up for feeling emotional and worried. It will pass eventually, and if you can let him have some time make sure you plan to do something nice like have a lovely bath and some nice hot food and drinks!

seriously 60-90 mins apart! going by the rest of your comments you had aa lot more issues as well! come on really you wouldnt let anyone touch her? that is NOT right one bit, and if she cried even your own mother wasnt allowed near her to calm her? come on that is just beyond obbsessive

A father needs to bond too, or another caregiver, but why does a baby need to be taken away from the mum for him to do that.

Because from OPs post she 'hovers around' and perhaps he'd like to not be micromanaged for a couple of hours?

And so dramatic 'taken away from the mum' like he's being snatched bawling from her breast! It's just dad taking him out for a couple of hours.

There's some overly dramatic obsessive parenting on this thread. And I thought I was clingy with my kids

I'd say rather than drama, there's a lot of dismissing a new mums feelings at the expense of her father's wants which is pretty gross

@Flapjak

15:14roarfeckingroarr

'This thread is the antithesis of feminism. A new mother's instincts being ignored in favour of the father. The baby is four WEEKS old'

I totally agree and i am more from the radical feminist school of thought

I agree with that and I’m not even coming from a feminist POV!!

It doesn’t matter if it’s an issue with hormones or whatever, there should never a place where a partner will do something just because he wants it if it’s at the full detriment of his partner.

I mean would a caring and loving partner really expect his partner to do something they find hard/painful/upsetting?

There has been talks about being equal partners… does it have to be at the disadvantage of the other partner?

Meanwhile, the same partner who is said to be amazing because he is insisting (to have his own way) to take his baby to his brother, has also chosen to stay in a job where he isn’t there for most of the week. If spending time with his child was so important, maybe he could have thought about it and avoided a situation where it’s his wife who is shouldering most id not all of the hard work?

@Muddlypuddle

I'd say rather than drama, there's a lot of dismissing a new mums feelings at the expense of her father's wants which is pretty gross

not dismissing the new mums feelings one bit actually , however i am saying that she needs to calm down and let the dad be a proud dad! unless of course shes seen him pick up his passport and a bag of clothes for himself on the way out with the baby! just joking really come on someone needs to bring some reality back here or bang some heads rather swiftly against a nice friendly brickwall, you pick which one til normal service resummes

Meanwhile, the same partner who is said to be amazing because he is insisting (to have his own way) to take his baby to his brother, has also chosen to stay in a job where he isn’t there for most of the week. If spending time with his child was so important, maybe he could have thought about it and avoided a situation where it’s his wife who is shouldering most id not all of the hard work?

I agree, also can't believe some of the responses given that the baby is only 4 weeks old

@YukoandHiro

It's totally normal to feel this way. DP's job right now is to support you in any way that suits and if you want to stay with the baby that's fine

I completely disagree with this!!!

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

A father needs to bond too, or another caregiver, but why does a baby need to be taken away from the mum for him to do that.

Because from OPs post she 'hovers around' and perhaps he'd like to not be micromanaged for a couple of hours?

And so dramatic 'taken away from the mum' like he's being snatched bawling from her breast! It's just dad taking him out for a couple of hours.

There's some overly dramatic obsessive parenting on this thread. And I thought I was clingy with my kids

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

I agree with you on the taken away from his mum drama.

I'm seeing Sophie's choice tears mashed with the Cliffhanger falling to death face.
🤣
you?

@Muddlypuddle

I'd say rather than drama, there's a lot of dismissing a new mums feelings at the expense of her father's wants which is pretty gross

Guarantee if she was posting saying she wanted a break and her DP wouldn't take baby for a couple of hours the responses would be different.

So he's a shitty person for wanting to take his baby out when OP doesn't want him to, and he'd be a shitty person if he didn't want to take him out and OP DID want him to. And people wonder why men disconnect with their kids

I can only imagine what gay dads think reading this thread - that they just don't biologically have what it takes to properly parent an infant and that all a young child needs is a mother and dads just are not what an infant needs.
Maybe they might realise that having a surrogate and taking a baby away from their biological mother is extremely damaging and adopt an older child instead.

@roarfeckingroarr

This thread is the antithesis of feminism. A new mother's instincts being ignored in favour of the father. The baby is four WEEKS old.

They’re not “instincts”. It is mum guilt caused by a lifetime of socialisation in the outdated and unfeminist belief that mother is best for baby and dads are bumbling idiots who must be micromanaged.

@MyDcAreMarvel

I can only imagine what gay dads think reading this thread - that they just don't biologically have what it takes to properly parent an infant and that all a young child needs is a mother and dads just are not what an infant needs. Maybe they might realise that having a surrogate and taking a baby away from their biological mother is extremely damaging and adopt an older child instead.

Seriously?? What a vile attitude. You don't have a clue. I know more than one gay couple and they're more nurturing than some of the mums I come across on this board. Their children are wonderful, happy, well adjusted OPEN MINDED individuals with loving parents.

I also know my fair share of single dads who have their children 24/7, in fact when I met my exDP he'd been a full time single dad for many years. His children were perfectly happy with him, and have grown into lovely adults.

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods I didn’t say anything about gay parents not being nurturing. I said a very young baby should be with their mother.

You feel the way you do as this is natures way to ensure attachment.

This is outdated bollocks. Attachment is through the hormone oxytocin which all humans produce when bonding (not just mothers). The whole “Mother Nature” argument has underpinned so many other sexist beliefs down through history, like

• women have smaller brains than men, so it’s only natural to only educate boys as women are naturally stupid.

• women menstruate and the hormones make them mentally and emotionally unstable and therefore it is only natural to exclude them from politics and demanding professions like doctor, scientist, CEO or solicitor.

• women’s hormones naturally make them more susceptible to madness so it’s only natural that the naturally more sane male relatives should be able to commit them to mental hospitals.

• women are naturally physically weaker and so it’s only natural they be excluded from the military, fighting fires or police forces and sports.

-women are instinctually submissive and physiologically maintain infantile features like no beards, high voices, etc and so naturally, being more like a child than an default male adult, they need proper adults, as in male guardians to manage them as they wouldn’t make good decisions with equal rights. And women being naturally submissive would have mental breakdowns or become infertile if they tried to take on an unnatural dominant role in family or public sphere.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods I didn’t say anything about gay parents not being nurturing. I said a very young baby should be with their mother.[/quote]
not 24/7

@dotsandco

Yes, you are being unreasonable OP. Your baby is not being EBF so your partner can feasibly feed and comfort just as capably as you can, right? Your feelings are obviously protective and all over the place, having only recently given birth, so it's entirely understandable that you 'want' to be there all the time...but your feelings don't trump your partner's unfortunately. I say this kindly OP...you need to share 🤷‍♀️

FFS think about what you are saying here. So because OP is bottle feeding her baby, she is interchangeable? She's still the mother, and in case you were not aware, it's still possible for mothers who bottle feed their babies to have a strong bond with them. Your stance is so damaging and frankly upsetting to hear, as a mother who bottle feeds her babies. I am not interchangeable because I can't breastfeed my twins. I am the mother, I still matter to my babies. I am not surplus to requirements because I bottle feed, and my job isn't interchangeable because other people can hold the bottles too.

How dare you.

It’s very normal for mothers not to want to be separated from their newborns. It doesn’t matter how much you trust your partner, it’s a totally normal, natural reaction.

Don’t feel pressured into it, OP. You don’t have to leave your baby at any point. It’s not on for your husband to expect you to feel uncomfortable for something which isn’t necessary.

@tofuschnitzel
You must not be aware, but babies are capable of forming multiple strong bonds, so yes mothers can be interchangeable with fathers. Our sex doesn’t make us extra specially “naturally” nurturing.

It’s not about whether the dad can look after / nurture the baby. It’s about the fact that being separated from her 4 week old baby would make OP uncomfortable, and she shouldn’t be made to feel that way to accommodate something that her husband wants - doesn’t need, just wants. He has to accept that if he wants something that makes his partner uncomfortable, he doesn’t get it.