Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 15:08

@Staryflight445

Would I think it’s unreasonable at 6 months?

It’s up to mum isn’t it, let’s be honest. We all parent differently, stop calling mothers pathetic for not wanting their dad to take their 4 week old newborn out without them.

Why are you so offended by mother’s and their attachment to their children?

Attachment to mothers doesn’t offend me, it’s a lovely thing. What offends me is when mothers wants are priorities over what’s beneficial to the child.

It’s the same in cases where parents separate and the mum thinks the default should be she’s had the child the most and to dictate to the dad he can see child one day a week.

Sometimes it’s more to do with child maintenance issues and I hate seeing children being used as pawns in the game of life. You had an affair so you can’t see Charlie that’s the punishment.

A relationship with both parents is what’s important

takenforgrantednana · 31/10/2021 15:09

[quote Staryflight445]@TableFlowerss my mum was adopted in the 50s. They didn’t take baby away from bio mum until 6 weeks old.[/quote]
oh yes they did! i was one of them!

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 15:09

I know what the bonding hormone is, I’m asking how it tells her that the dad can’t take the baby out for a few hours? Does it leave a note?

Does it tell her the nan can take the baby out for a few hours though? Is it a sexist hormone?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
immersivereader · 31/10/2021 15:10

Can't believe how biased some of these answers are. Let the guy take care of the baby!

immersivereader · 31/10/2021 15:10

Is it a sexist hormone?

^

This

Muddlypuddle · 31/10/2021 15:12

@Rainbowheart1

Do you think it’s up to mum, and not dad, due to the fact that it’s been mothers, not fathers, at home raising and caring for children for years whilst the fathers didn’t do much caring at all?

There is a word for that, it’s called socialisation.

Same as in this situation then, he isn't home very much!! Biscuit
JudgeJ · 31/10/2021 15:12

@YukoandHiro

It's totally normal to feel this way. DP's job right now is to support you in any way that suits and if you want to stay with the baby that's fine
Is it any wonder that many fathers feel they're not a part of their baby's life when women are supported in this attitude? New mothers have to learn to care for tehir baby very quickly, maybe the other parent deserves an opportunity to do as much as they physically can.
immersivereader · 31/10/2021 15:12

There is something wrong with it if it upsets mum, she doesn't cease to be important because of his wants,^

What about upsetting dad? Confused

Because let's face it, women are crying out for men to take more responsibility but when they do we whine 'what about the women??'

Makes zero sense. Men need to be more accountable and op, it sounds like you have one who IS accountable.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 15:14

This thread is the antithesis of feminism. A new mother's instincts being ignored in favour of the father. The baby is four WEEKS old.

Midlifemusings · 31/10/2021 15:14

I think the idea that a mother can't be away from her baby for an hour or two without damaging the baby is a harmful belief to have. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a mother taking a break for a couple hours and dad being alone with the baby. It is not going to damage the baby or give the baby an attachment disorder. Babies have been cared for by families and people beyond the mother for generations.

In this case it is OP feeling she can't be away from the baby because of her own needs - not babies needs. And dad wants to go see brother for his own needs - not babies needs.

OP and her DP need to talk it out - that they have competing needs right now to spend time with the baby and they need to figure out how to make that work - but lets stop saying that babies can only be with their mothers and that a father or grandmother taking the baby for a couple hours would be harmful and damaging to the baby. It absolutely is not.

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 15:15

I’m offended because society has made women feel inadequate when it comes to children. They must do all and everything otherwise they are a shit mother. Well I say fuck that, a parent is a parent, as long as they are both good parents one doesn’t triumph the other and they should both bare the responsibility of a child and all that comes with it. Instead we put it into women that they have to do it all and if not your made to feel worthless.

This is something the op shouldn’t even be worrying about, she’s worrying about it because she is a woman, and we as a society have made women feel this way when it comes to raising children. Why do men never worry about their wives taking the baby out for a few hours to their mothers house? Because society doesn’t put burden onto men when it comes to raising children, that’s why.

takenforgrantednana · 31/10/2021 15:15

@ ThirdElephant so mum has the baby 6 days and 22 hrs a week and thats fine, but because dad wants 2 flamming hours with the baby to himself he gets denied that? how is that even close to being right? he has the right to be out and push the baby in the pram and feel as proud as punch, to put into practise all the things he has been told he needs to do how to feed, change a nappy and everything else with a new baby. and its right for the mum to have a bit of time to do what she wants on her own! are you saying its ok for the mum to go out with the baby to her mates and feel chuffed to bits with the baby but hes not allowed to do the same? so wrong all this and one sided and unfair of the mum to even be saying on here about it

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 15:18

DS1 was a few days old when DH took him out of the house without me.
and thank fuck for that.
I had a shower and just sat in quiet.

Fast forward several years he takes our 7 kids camping every year for a week with his best friend and also a few times for a long weekend. he's independently taken them in whatever combo to literally anywhere I would have inc other countries.
at one point he took 2 to Holland & Belgium while I was in Hungary with the other 2.
He's 100% capable of doing everything a responsible parent should.

Does that sound like a dad you'd like your DP to become? You know, someone reliably present and active in their lives?
if yes then stop making it about yourself and enjoy your freedom!
I know people who would kill for an hour break but their partners couldn't give a shit.
yours wants to do it, without being prompted. Let him!!!!!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 15:29

@roarfeckingroarr

This thread is the antithesis of feminism. A new mother's instincts being ignored in favour of the father. The baby is four WEEKS old.
absolute drivel.

her having a break would benefit everyone: dad & baby can bond and she gets a break.
wanting to be with your baby 100% of the time when there are other perfectly capable people to take over short periods of time is not an instinct, it's something else (anxiety, obsession, depression, lack of trust etc).

Babies don't need to be with their mothers 24/7. They are perfectly fine going for a walk with dad, being bathed by grandma, cuddled by a friend.

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 15:31

Either of you should be able to take your baby out alone. You’re both equally it’s parents.
If you were bf and the baby refuses a bottle then it’s different but you’re not.

How would you feel if he said you couldn’t take his baby out without him there?

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 15:32

Unless OP is going to come back and tell us her DP brother lives a 5 hour drive away and his house is a cardboard box on a railway embankment, then I really think perspective is needed.

It's a couple of hours. Yes, hormones are a thing, but come on. There are women who have to spend a lot more time than that away from their newborns if they're in the neonatal ward or ill themselves etc. As long as he can meet baby's needs - which it appears he can - then YABU.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 15:34

@milkieway

Your feelings about not wanting to be separate from your baby are 100% natural. Your baby is only 4 weeks old! You do not need to feel bad about this it's normal and does start to ease after fourth trimester.

Your partner can bond with baby in so many other ways. Start small with dad taking baby a walk around the block

Precisely
roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 15:36

@PlanDeRaccordement

4th trimester is a social construct designed to make women not use shared parental leave after childbirth but continue with outdated maternity leave. There is no biology to it. It is all based on the belief that mother is best for baby.
Utter bullshit. At that age, babies need their mother who they know, they feel safe with, they know the voice, smell and heartbeat of.

This is also why I disagree with surrogacy.

itsjustnotok · 31/10/2021 15:37

I think its important for babies to be able to bond with both parents. Mums are very quick to have a go about how useless men are with their children. This DP wants to spend time with baby and show him to his family. If you want him to participate as a parent in an equal way then you kind of need to give him that time. You can't expect him to only be with your son when you eventually need a break. It's hard but worth it in the long run.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 15:39

@milissa I feel the same. This thread has really got to me (as a mother of a still young baby). My partner and I have separated for various reasons but oh my gosh he would never have demanded to take our baby away from me if I wasn't comfortable. It's inhumane.

ThirdElephant · 31/10/2021 15:42

her having a break would benefit everyone: dad & baby can bond and she gets a break.
wanting to be with your baby 100% of the time when there are other perfectly capable people to take over short periods of time is not an instinct, it's something else (anxiety, obsession, depression, lack of trust etc).

  1. It doesn't benefit the mother of she's just going to stress about it.
  2. It is instinctual, genuinely. You may not have had it, but I definitely did. If you'd have tried to take my
first baby away from me at four weeks old I would have been thoroughly miserable the entire time. It's a truly overwhelming and overpowering feeling and it's the reason I'll never adopt a kitten or puppy again.

When DD was 6 weeks old I left her with her dad to go out for an evening with my friends without an issue. Because I felt ready then.

Babies don't need to be with their mothers 24/7. They are perfectly fine going for a walk with dad, being bathed by grandma, cuddled by a friend.

Most are, yes. However, the mental health of a new mother is a fragile thing and there is zero point in putting that under pressure unnecessarily.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 15:43

@PlanDeRaccordement

4th trimester is a social construct designed to make women not use shared parental leave after childbirth but continue with outdated maternity leave. There is no biology to it. It is all based on the belief that mother is best for baby.
Bollocks And more than a bit of projection I suspect
MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 15:43

This is tricky and some of the responses are a bit cut and dry. It's not that simple!

Of course your DP should be spending plenty of time with your baby but it is hard to let go when they're so so tiny.

I breastfed so DP physically couldn't be away from me for more than 1 hour as she would breastfeed every 60-90 mins until 4 months!!!!!! And then every 2 hours until 5/6 months. So it was a struggle for him until she got much older to have any time with her, and now she's in the separation anxiety phase she just wants me anyway.

Also up until 3 months I was very anxious about anyone holding her and that was definitely hormones. I hated people touching her, even close family, and if she started crying I would want her back with me or DH immediately. I had to force myself to let people hold her so she could begin build a relationship with others. It's hard, don't beat yourself up for feeling emotional and worried. It will pass eventually, and if you can let him have some time make sure you plan to do something nice like have a lovely bath and some nice hot food and drinks!

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 15:44

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba it's only a break of the mother wants it, otherwise it's an ordeal. The first couple of months of my son's life I couldn't bear to be any real distance apart from him. He has wonderful bonds with his father, grandparents, our friends, probably in part because no one tried to force me to go against my instincts and our well-being so early in his life.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 15:49

@ThirdElephant

"you may not have had it"

🤣🤣🤣 give over with your passive aggressive comments.

try being seriously ill in hospital for 3 nights when your baby is just a few weeks old and breastfeed him for potentially for the last time just before the morphine drip goes in.

unless her DP is the Childcatcher working for human traffickers OP is being totally OTT.