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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
peachesarenom · 31/10/2021 14:51

I was the same so I think you're absolutely right not to want to be separated. Baby is small, you're still bonding x

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 14:52

[quote Staryflight445]@TableFlowerss my mum was adopted in the 50s. They didn’t take baby away from bio mum until 6 weeks old.[/quote]
So mum and baby bonded and then baby was given up for adoption? Surely that was worse for baby than if they'd been separated directly after the birth!

Completely off topic anyway, we're talking about dad taking baby for a couple of hours not forever Confused

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 14:53

@Flapjak

Seems to be a lot of women on here peddling mens rights as equality .
Exactly

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Antiquestuff · 31/10/2021 14:54

On the gay dads point.
I know 2 couples who are gay dads and they both have the mother involved with the child/ren.
The mothers stayed with and breastfed their babies for the first few weeks at least and have remained a part of the child's family so I'm not sure what you imagine happens when a gay couple use a surrogate but you might be surprised.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 14:54

@Rainbowheart1

Of course the Op is not unreasonable to “feel” the way she does, but that is what we are saying, she feels this way because society has told her so, told her she NEEDS to be with her baby 24/7 or very bad things are likely to happen. This is belief, it is not science.

In 60 years time, belief will change, belief will be that parents are equal and a man must step up and parent their child as much as a woman does (that looks to me the way it’s heading anyway, with more woman than ever now entering the workforce).

If you step away and think about it, was is the op scared off? Scared the baby will get hurt? Scared of an accident? This could happen no matter what or who the baby is with, she is scared to be separated, because society has told her to be!

Utter bullshit. She feels that way because of her hormones and instincts.
Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 14:54

Op, you have been such a great sport letting the thread derail, as it’s such a interesting thread, which I think is clear to see by the many many layers it’s brought up.

Your husband isn’t more important than you. Your not more important than him. Your both great parents.

It’s a shame as a social norm, we have made you feel uncomfortable and uneasy as something like a few hours away from your baby. It shouldn’t have to be like this. All that emotion, responsibility and fear being shunned onto your shoulders, for just you to bear because you are a woman.

On the bright side, your children, or your children’s children hopefully won’t have to take on the ridiculous pressures placed on mothers by society, hopefully by then it will be common place for men to do as much as woman do, for both parties to shoulder the emotion, responsibility and fear, thus halving it for all.

careerchangeperhaps · 31/10/2021 14:55

At that age, DP would've taken the baby with for a walk but wouldn't have gone visiting relatives etc. DC1 was born during the Swine flu epidemic / pandemic and I wouldn't let them go anywhere with close contact with others without me (I was breastfeeding and wanted to make sure I had made antibodies for anything the baby would be exposed to).

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:55

[quote Staryflight445]@TableFlowerss my mum was adopted in the 50s. They didn’t take baby away from bio mum until 6 weeks old.[/quote]
So if OP baby was 6 months you’d think that she was being UR?

I assume your mam being adopted and going on to have her own children illustrates that as long as the child’s needs are met, it doesn’t need to be biological mother?

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:55

6 weeks I mean

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 14:55

Her hormones tell her not to let the babies father take him out for an hour? How does it do that? What’s the hormone called?

user1493494961 · 31/10/2021 14:56

Totally ott.

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 14:57

@TableFlowerss

*So he can't bond unless he gets his own way? Seems like be doesn't want to work together and is just fussed about himself to be honest*

He doesn’t get as many opportunities as he works so he’s wanting them when he can. Nothing wrong with that.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do as it’s the way society has been programmed to think since before the dawn of time.

There is something wrong with it if it upsets mum, she doesn't cease to be important because of his wants, and at 4 weeks it's not irrational to being uncomfortable with being away from baby. Ah hun I see what you think you did there, I had to be the primary caregiver as he was away with work plenty, and no I didn't roll over and do whatever he wanted at weekends because he was away a lot.
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:58

[quote Vanishun]@TableFlowerss . Attachment disorder is what happens. That's why we try so bloody hard not to separate mums and babies these days.[/quote]
Attachment disorder is when there isn’t a secure attachment at all with anybody. Perfectly normal to form secure attachments with both parents

Vanishun · 31/10/2021 15:00

Of course bad things can happen (and despite bonds, mums can be abusive, as mine was).

Despite that, much as it sucks for the feelings of anyone else, that initial bond formed in the womb is one of the strongest and most formative thing we know as infants.

The impact of attachment disorders aren't known until a lifetime later, if ever - people can't even always articulate what the problem is or understand it.

It's one of the reasons which despite multiple mcs and infertility, and desperately wishing for our own biological child, I would never pursue something like surrogacy and I think it's a horrible practice.

In this case the OP is not comfortable being apart from her tiny almost newborn child, and I maintain that it's terrible for a partner to attack her for this instead of being supportive.

Midlifemusings · 31/10/2021 15:00

@antiquestuff

That is interesting. The surrogates I know were married with their own families so they didn't move in with the fathers. In your case, how long was it before the gay dads were allowed to be alone with the babies or the surrogate would allow them to take the baby out on their own? When was it felt that baby could be with their father without being damaged?

Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 15:02

Would I think it’s unreasonable at 6 months?

It’s up to mum isn’t it, let’s be honest. We all parent differently, stop calling mothers pathetic for not wanting their dad to take their 4 week old newborn out without them.

Why are you so offended by mother’s and their attachment to their children?

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 15:02

Posters on this thread have lost all perspective. A couple of hours away isn't going to kill anyone. Dad gets to do a nice thing he's like to do, mum gets a break after parenting 24/7 all week, and most importantly baby's needs are met while he's with dad.

Some people need to get a grip. Mountain out of molehill much.

Muddlypuddle · 31/10/2021 15:02

Had to reread a few times to check I hadn't got the age of the baby wrong due to many of the replies, 4 weeks old!!! OP YANBU, bloody hell some people just have to prioritise men all of the time, plenty of ways he can bond without taking baby out and it distressing you.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 15:03

It’s up to mum isn’t it, let’s be honest

Why is it up to mum? The baby has TWO parents ffs. It's not a randomer wanting to take baby out. It's dad!!

dottiedodah · 31/10/2021 15:04

I think the OP is not unreasonable to not want to be separated from her baby .Why is it so important to see Brother on his own ? Surely not a big deal to wait until 6 months or so .

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 15:04

It is not anxiety or unreasonable!!

I would love to see the breakdown of these posts and how many have recently (past year or so) had a baby and remember the intensity of that period of time. NOBODY has suggested the husband never gets time to bond with his child, only thay 4 weeks is so very young that what's the rush.

november90 · 31/10/2021 15:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. Don't forget you're in the 4th trimester right now. Feeling of extreme attachment and separation anxiety is absolutely normal and your partner should be supporting YOu not pressuring you. He has a lifetime of alone parenting. You are not wrong for how you are feeling. I've felt like that, I've had friends who have told me similar things. Your partner also isn't necessarily wrong, but he needs to understand the best thing he can do is support baby by supporting you.

Reptar · 31/10/2021 15:07

@Rainbowheart1

Her hormones tell her not to let the babies father take him out for an hour? How does it do that? What’s the hormone called?
The main hormone related to bonding is oxytocin.
Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 15:07

Do you think it’s up to mum, and not dad, due to the fact that it’s been mothers, not fathers, at home raising and caring for children for years whilst the fathers didn’t do much caring at all?

There is a word for that, it’s called socialisation.

ThirdElephant · 31/10/2021 15:07

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Posters on this thread have lost all perspective. A couple of hours away isn't going to kill anyone. Dad gets to do a nice thing he's like to do, mum gets a break after parenting 24/7 all week, and most importantly baby's needs are met while he's with dad.

Some people need to get a grip. Mountain out of molehill much.

It's only a break if OP feels able to treat it as one. If she's going to miss her baby and be miserable the whole time it's just an ordeal.
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