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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 14:35

‘ It’s not about men and their needs, it’s about babies and being allowed to bond with both parents who both love their child. It’s not a competition and the navy is the prize. They should work together….’

Don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure dad can bond without having to take his 4 week old baby away from their mum for a couple of hours.

tofuschnitzel · 31/10/2021 14:36

@BenJackinoff

If you’re not breastfeeding why shouldn’t he be able to take him out? The baby is 50% his.
I don't agree with this at all. Just because a mother bottle feeds her baby does not mean she will be ready to be apart from them sooner than a mother who breastfeeds. It's a myth that is really quite damaging.

If OP isn't ready to be away from her baby then her OH should not be pressuring her to do so.

endofagain · 31/10/2021 14:36

If he wants to bond he can do bathing, nappy changing, night feeds, cuddles and pacing the floor during the colicky evenings while OP has a shower, eats some food.
He doesn't need to make his wife uncomfortable or anxious so he can bond with his child.

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Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 14:36

It’s in no child’s best interests to be separated from mum at 4 weeks old @TableFlowerss

Thelnebriati · 31/10/2021 14:37

Its disingenuous to conflate separating a newborn and mother with not pulling your weight, or being prevented from bonding.

You can bond with the baby and pull your weight with chores without taking it away from the mother.

Hapoydayz · 31/10/2021 14:37

A man wants something that is going to make a woman not feel happy. Quick we must think of lots of reasons why the woman is irrational and unreasonable so a man gets what he wants. Pay no thought to what the woman's body has been through in the last year the man's want must be priority and he has rights.

Lovebeingamummy2 · 31/10/2021 14:37

I completely agree with OP I'm sorry but 4 weeks is way to young for baby to be away from mum for long periods when I have had my children with my DP he totally understands that baby needs to be with me at such a tiny age and wouldn't even suggest taking them round someone else's house without me for a few hours/day he also understands that having a baby and all the hormones that comes along with it mean I would not be ok being away from our precious little bundle that long we have our third on the way and after reading this post have just discussed with my DP about this issue and he said he also agrees with OP and that baby needs mummy that small and I'd like to add he's an amazing dad and both our other two girls have a great relationship with him so don't worry about people saying your stopping them from bonding etc do what feels right for you and your baby

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 14:37

Don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure mum can survive without having to go with her baby for a couple of hours.

Works both ways doesn’t it, that’s what they mean when they say there’s two sides to every story.

Midlifemusings · 31/10/2021 14:37

I can only imagine what gay dads think reading this thread - that they just don't biologically have what it takes to properly parent an infant and that all a young child needs is a mother and dads just are not what an infant needs.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:38

So he can't bond unless he gets his own way? Seems like be doesn't want to work together and is just fussed about himself to be honest

He doesn’t get as many opportunities as he works so he’s wanting them when he can. Nothing wrong with that.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do as it’s the way society has been programmed to think since before the dawn of time.

Vanishun · 31/10/2021 14:38

Baby is only four weeks old.

Mum is upset at being parted.

Why on EARTH would any decent, supportive partner be an arsehole and argue about it?

He could easily be bonding by doing the shit work at home rather than taking baby out to be cooed over.

LowlandLucky · 31/10/2021 14:38

Babies will not suffer because they are not with their Mothers. Many babies go without their Mums, babies that are born ill or babies of Mums that are ill all develop just as well as those who are never more that a few feet away.

Vanishun · 31/10/2021 14:39

@Midlifemusings

I can only imagine what gay dads think reading this thread - that they just don't biologically have what it takes to properly parent an infant and that all a young child needs is a mother and dads just are not what an infant needs.
Yes, isn't it inconvenient how attachment theory doesn't care about the desires of gay men. Honestly, the universe should be kinder.
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:40

@Staryflight445

‘ It’s not about men and their needs, it’s about babies and being allowed to bond with both parents who both love their child. It’s not a competition and the navy is the prize. They should work together….’

Don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure dad can bond without having to take his 4 week old baby away from their mum for a couple of hours.

The irony to call me dramatic. Pot kettle much? As if the baby wouldn’t cope going with dad for an hour Hmm
dotsandco · 31/10/2021 14:41

Yes, you are being unreasonable OP. Your baby is not being EBF so your partner can feasibly feed and comfort just as capably as you can, right? Your feelings are obviously protective and all over the place, having only recently given birth, so it's entirely understandable that you 'want' to be there all the time...but your feelings don't trump your partner's unfortunately. I say this kindly OP...you need to share 🤷‍♀️

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 14:41

@Rainbowheart1

Don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure mum can survive without having to go with her baby for a couple of hours.

Works both ways doesn’t it, that’s what they mean when they say there’s two sides to every story.

Exactly this.

And @Midlifemusings I was just thinking the same re gay dads. I know a couple myself and they're just as nurturing and loving as any woman I've ever met. More so than some, I might add. I can imagine reading this thread and some of the posters opinions would make them sad.

3luckystars · 31/10/2021 14:41

You will feel ok about it in a few months, but if you are not ok with it now, don’t let him bully you.

I didn’t want my babies out of my sight at that stage. Everyone is different but stand your ground and do not do anything you are uncomfortable with.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:41

@Staryflight445

It’s in no child’s best interests to be separated from mum at 4 weeks old *@TableFlowerss*
For an hour with their dad? Don’t be ridiculous!
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:44

@Midlifemusings

I can only imagine what gay dads think reading this thread - that they just don't biologically have what it takes to properly parent an infant and that all a young child needs is a mother and dads just are not what an infant needs.
Don’t forget people that adopt too. If the only person that is capable of caring for a newborn is their biological mother then what happens when’s child is adopted?……
Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 14:44

It’s interesting that dads bond is much more important than mums.
Thank goodness I have supportive friends and family that wouldn’t think I was pathetic to be separated from my newborn.

IntermittentParps · 31/10/2021 14:44

Considering how much I read on here about men who can't/won't look after their babies on their own, I think you're a bit U.

Staryflight445 · 31/10/2021 14:45

@TableFlowerss my mum was adopted in the 50s. They didn’t take baby away from bio mum until 6 weeks old.

ThirdElephant · 31/10/2021 14:46

@dotsandco

Yes, you are being unreasonable OP. Your baby is not being EBF so your partner can feasibly feed and comfort just as capably as you can, right? Your feelings are obviously protective and all over the place, having only recently given birth, so it's entirely understandable that you 'want' to be there all the time...but your feelings don't trump your partner's unfortunately. I say this kindly OP...you need to share 🤷‍♀️
Nah. I disagree entirely. I think, given that OP has given over her body to grow and birth the baby, and that the hormones OP is now feeling are a direct result of that, her feelings should absolutely trump those of the parent who hasn't gone through that.

She's done 99.9% of the work of creating the kid. As a result of that, she's a little irrational right now. If you ask me, she's earned the right to not have to go through the distress of unnecessarily parting her from her newborn at this moment in time if she doesn't want to. There'll come a point soon where she'll be fine with it and I think she should be given a grace period here.

Vanishun · 31/10/2021 14:47

@TableFlowerss . Attachment disorder is what happens. That's why we try so bloody hard not to separate mums and babies these days.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 14:50

Yes, isn't it inconvenient how attachment theory doesn't care about the desires of gay men. Honestly, the universe should be kinder

You do realise that the ‘caregiver’ doesn’t have to be the mother? You do realise that children can form multiple close contacts with caregivers and form secure attachments
? Like grandparents etc….

You do realise that a mother could die during childbirth and the baby would still develop a secure attachment to their dad?

You do realise that not all babies firm secure attachments to their mothers, if they are for example cruel etc?

Attachments are made when babies and children feel secure, it’s doesn’t have to be with the mother