NSPCC: Parents who are abrupt with their children and choose low-key celebrations may be guilty of “mild neglect”

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www.pressreader.com/uk/the-sunday-telegraph/20211024/281852941774302

Children's charity criticises 'abrupt parents'

also:

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/parents-who-are-abrupt-could-be-neglectful-60pb8m8wt

Parents who are abrupt 'could be neglectful'

"A big children’s charity has warned that parents who are abrupt with their children and choose low-key celebrations may be guilty of “mild neglect”."

Looks like NSPCC are big into celebrations:

www.nspcc.org.uk/support-us/ways-to-give/weddings-birthdays-celebrations/

"Tailor your event with our favours, gift cards and children’s gifts. It’s an easy way to make a big difference and share with your guests that helping children is important to you. Whether it’s your wedding, anniversary celebration or birthday, personalise your event with us."

It's just showing you care about birthday's that helps self esteem. A cake, card and a few gifts does that. It does not need to be worthy of insta. It does not mean going into debt. It does not matter if the house needs decorating. It's the love within a family that's important. I don't think that can be scored on some stupid tick chart. My DSS's birthdays were not marked by much more than money in a card. I changed that and my eldest DSS (23) came for birthday roast with cake & candles yesterday!

Choosing dinner is the privilege of the birthday person in our house.
My mother couldn't have afforded that. But she wouldn't have served me liver that day either.😄

I'm reminded of about ten years ago when I tried to get support for one of my kids as a young carer after we'd dealt with severe bullying based around my visible disabilities by children and adults. Everyone had recommended it for the support that was previously available for such children.

She was considered a low level and we were fobbed off to a charity - I think it was Action for Children - and they were obsessed with decorating. I was in rental and she kept going on about how we needed to decorate the kitchen 'to bring some cheer to this place'. It was all about stuff - what we could buy for the bedrooms, the gardens, the kitchen. When I pointed out that we'd reached out for emotional and social support for my child and I couldn't see how the projects they kept recommending would help, we were told that bullying is just something she needs to deal with and continued on her plan to get me to buy more stuff.

I ended up withdrawing from their 'programme' after they showed up on my doorstep with bags of Christmas gifts. We had told them repeatedly that we don't celebrate Christmas and we already had plenty of gifts for our upcoming gift giving time. I was told "this is what the donators want" - I get the whole making sure kids have a present at Christmas, but I struggle to believe that those who are donating to help kids really wanted families to feel as shite as they were making us.

That some sources are saying the NSPCC have said they 'completely reject' that their tool might maintain systemic biases and hiding behind academia (like that doesn't have a well known reputation on that) is a bunch of red flags. Any organization working with vulnerable people should at least consider and look into what evidence they have to back that up.

There is a good range of details here

proceduresonline.com/trixcms/media/1901/dscb-graded-care-profile-guidance-updated-v02.pdf

[quote drspouse]There is a good range of details here

proceduresonline.com/trixcms/media/1901/dscb-graded-care-profile-guidance-updated-v02.pdf[/quote]
Thanks for finding that.

I was told "this is what the donators want"
How patronising, why on earth have the donors got a say in what families need?

This is more relevant to the NSPCC one

www.warrington.gov.uk/graded-care-profile-2

What absolute bollocks.

And as for trying to flog their shit by using their position in people's minds to push the message that you're a shit parent is actually disgusting.

How fucking dare they.

I love nothing more than a party. Genuinely adore organising them. But my daughters' birthdays - and visiting their adored family members, and various other special occasions - have been derailed again and again due to covid. I have been more than abrupt with my children over the last 2 years. We have had to move house due to being forced to both WFH (again not through choice) so the house is tatty while we sort it out.

How fucking dare they suggest I am neglectful? Every single decision I make is done with my children's mental and physical wellbeing in mind. To realise that neglectful and sub-par is how the NSPCC sees me and my family is absolutely tone deaf and disgusting.

I'm sure I read on some other list of indicators of potential neglect/abuse about the child having too much attention being a cause for concern.

I don't really like bringing class into things but there does seem to be a difference in how working class and middle class people treat their children: they love their children equally but working class families are, generally speaking, more abrupt and don't seem to pander to their children as much as those from the middle classes. They also generally have less money available to redecorate and have limited available funds for parties and celebrations.

Our house is in desperate need of redecorating and always seems to be messy because our dc are clutter magnets. Dc 1 has sensory issues and hates noise so having a big party for him would be a no-no. Surely they take stuff like that into consideration?

I can understand the logic behind this. An objective checklist which can produce workable goals for families involved with SS. Stops concerns/allegations the social worker is biased. Also vague plans of how families can work to improve their child lives.

The example of abrupt when loaded with only problems could lead to a goal to seek help with mental health issues/medical problems/debt etc.

I had a very middle class background and was loved, but looking back I would say my Dad probably would have been in this territory. He almost certainly had depression at times. He regularly talked about money worries and losing his job. He could get very abrupt after bad days at work. I would say majority of the time he was loving dad though, but those periods did make me very anxious as a child and made me not do things as I thought we didn’t have the money. Looking back it was not appropriate and was unsettling.

It’s ultimate only a tool and doesn’t replace the experience/opinion of a social worker.

@Rosemaryandlemon yes, I agree. Similarly there's a difference between not buying into consumerism (and heaven knows Mumsnet loves to condemn anything approaching plastic tat) and actual bad treatment around birthdays which in my own childhood occasionally involved my parents forgetting to do anything for my birthday and yelling at me that it was my own fault for not asking for anything, when I was made to be so afraid of being spoiled that I was afraid to ask.

But this advice is not talking about burdening children with adults' work and money worries nor being horrible to children who can't ask for a birthday present.

Its taking normal family behaviour which is congruent ime with a happy childhood and labelling it substandard.

Exactly Stupidphones. It says low key celebrations are two whole grades worse than elaborate ones. Why? There's no evidence to equate elaborate celebrations with the best parenting.

I cant believe this! Absolutely stupid.So no one who is ever abrupt with DC or who doesnt frequent B and Q on a regular basis, is charged with "mild " neglect whatever the fuck that means! Perhaps they want to go back to the "good" old days when only naice MC people could adopt!

"Under GCP2, a parent who fails to take their child on trips out, with playing only taking place in the neighbourhood, is given a score of 5 — a reminder this is the worst possible parenting. The best parent provides “frequent child-centred outings

Oh dear. Not only is this ridiculously impractical and discriminatory, it’s just not good for children to be the absolute centre if everything at all times.

Has the NSPCC got some Disney-style non resident fathers to write the guidance from their ideal point of view? Because I can tell you that treating your children like the second coming and acting like it would be child abuse to have the come to the supermarket with you (or, even worse, entertain themselves playing with the millions of toys in their rooms) rather than being taken out on a big special day trip, taken out for dinner and generally treated like every day is a birthday does not have a good effect on anyone. Least of all the children.

What on earth does the state of decoration have to do with parenting? My DS’s couldn’t tell you if we had decorated the whole house in Farrow and Ball or hadn’t decorated in years. If I asked them now what colour the kitchen is painted I would be met with black stares!!!

Also, we rent and the house is not looking very fresh, but there’s not a lot we can do about that!

So all Jehovah's Witnesses are guilty of neglect, then?

The mind boggles.

@Hoardasurass

This from charity that accused people pointing out that having an employee filming himself masterbatting at work and posting it online of kink shaming and worse. The same charity that argued for children to be allowed into opposite sex changing facilities and for affirmation therapy only and happily refers children and parents to mermaids have no right or moral standing to claim anything as stupid as this as abuse or "mild neglect " ffs

Absolutely agree with this. I have no respect for the NSPCC and they'll never see a penny of my money.

@BungleandGeorge

I suspect this has been sensationalised and taken out of context. How many ‘indicators’ are there? What score would prompt concern? There has to be some way of gauging low level abuse and neglect, none of the indicators on their own will mean anything. I also suspect a social workers judgement of a ‘reasonably clean house’ is rather different to most peoples’. They see people living with children in houses covered in animal excrement, no sheets on the bed, rubbish everywhere..

I agree with this.

The links detail the media's interpretation of what is likely to be a complex grading system designed to identify neglect and abuse which currently goes undetected.

As a child who grew up with abusive, neglectful parents, I would welcome anything that enables SW to get involved with those families who currently fly under the radar (which is most abusive families).

We struggle for money and our children have lived in houses that could do with some money spent. We don't give them huge parties for the same reason. I am not worried in the slightest because my kids are loved, listened to and have all their needs met.

I feel very angry about the adults who stood back and allowed my parents to abuse us. My friend's Mum actually stopped a referral being made by the hospital to SS when I was 8. She said we were 'a nice family' and they listened to her because she worked there as a nurse.

I hope that those who are failing their children through neglect and abuse are very afraid of what might be coming their way. Bastards.

I would welcome anything that enables SW to get involved with those families who currently fly under the radar (which is most abusive families).

I think that is a straw man. I don't think any poster has opposed that.

Like so many charities these days, the NSPCC is trading on the good work of the past. It's priorities have changed. www.rollonfriday.com/news-content/exclusive-nspcc-admits-employees-rubber-clad-smut-serious-incident-after-barristers

proceduresonline.com/trixcms/media/1901/dscb-graded-care-profile-guidance-updated-v02.pdf

(...)

1. Housing: (a) Maintenance (b) Décor (c) Facilities

Observe. If lacking, ask to see if effort has been made to improve, ask yourself if carer is capable of doing them him/herself. It is not counted if repair or decoration is done by welfare agencies or landlord.

1. Clothing: (a) Insulation (b) Fitting (c) Look

Observe. See if effort has been made towards repairing, cleaning and ironing. Refer to the age band in the explanatory table.