How to deal with 'entitled' grandparents

[EJmumLA]

I’m struggling with the pressure I’m receiving from my mother about how often she would like to see my first DD (10 weeks old). It’s starting to make me feel stressed and anxious.
I had set boundaries with when family could visit after the birth and that was ruined and overstepped by my family wanting to visit all together, 6 people wanting to visit at one time when I only wanted a maximum of 3 so not to feel overwhelmed. They argued with me 3 days pp saying how I was being unfair on them that they couldn’t share the joy of meeting DD with each other but I felt I couldn’t enjoy it if everyone was there at one time, besides they were there to meet my DD not to see everyone else.
I was worried this would be the case with the in-laws, not my own family, but they were great, mine were not.
Now everyone has met DD at about 7 weeks, I have taken a few weeks to myself to learn how to be a mum for the first time and enjoy the time with DD getting into a bit more of a routine and understanding her needs. My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough. It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Am I wrong for wanting to take time to learn how to be a parent for the first time? Has anyone else been through a similar situation?

Personally, I feel that my mother needs to respect my boundaries and understand that as DD is not even 3 months old that I should be allowed some time to parent and she should know and feel confident that she will be able to build a relationship with her GD throughout her life, but by adding this pressure by demanding to see DD more often is adding a new stress to an already stressful and demanding role of being a new mum.

I don’t want to stop my mother from seeing DD but I would like to be able to have them visit and visit them on my terms, meaning, when I feel up to it, if DD is not having a good day that plans can change and to rearrange, and if I want/need time to myself and DD for a couple/few weeks that I should be allowed that time.

I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about it. Please can someone help me with how I can go about this discussion?

Thanks,

It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Do you mean your Mum has only seen DD once since she’s been born, and DD is now 10 weeks old? Unless there’s a back story of a poor relationship with your DM that you haven’t mentioned, that does seem very restrictive.

How far away does your mum live? How much do you want her involved? Once in 3 weeks (or was it longer?!) Doesn't sound very often at all!!! They change so much when they are small and she is obviously keen to be part of their life. That can be such an invaluable relationship.

I thought you were going to say she is popping round every day...

I think the issue is that you've made your boundaries and what you feel comfortable clear & she is overstepping. So whether she comes round everyday or once every 3 weeks or whatever, if it feels overwhelming for you then it's too much.

No one should be applying pressure on you to see DD. Yes your mother wants to see her, but that doesn't come before you and baby's needs & she should understand that and give you some time to settle into the role.

Not sure about you and her relationship in general but if she is someone who can be a bit full on i can see why this would be annoying.

You make it all sound so difficult. I don't understand why you have to go weeks on end without seeing anyone else. I personally enjoyed sharing my dd with my mum and friends and relatives.

Are you feeling okay in other ways? Have you got a supportive partner? Feeling okay aftrr the birth? Got other support around you? Giving birth is such a huge thing x

Your daughter is 10 weeks old and your mother has seen her just once?

I have a 6 week old and I understand the pressure of visitors. It's lovely that everyone wants to meet your baby, but you can end up with little time to yourself. When I came home from the hospital I had 4 days of constant visitors which was overwhelming. My mum stayed for 5 days to help out, but the 'help' was more stressful as there was more mess, more noise and she was always doing jobs (that weren't actually jobs) when I wanted her to sit down and cuddle the baby as I would be more relaxed if she was. In the second week I set boundaries that when visitors come it's for short periods (no set time limit I just explain ahead that I'm sleep deprived and people understand). Family live 2 hours away so when my mum and in laws visit it's for 2 days/1 night at a time. They all understood that I needed time to find my feet and that we needed time as parents to be alone with the baby in the good periods when he's not screaming!

I would suggest always booking in the next visit so your mum has something to look forward to and she will no longer need to ask. I imagine she may be doing this because she is unsure when she will next see her GD. It's been 3 weeks since my mum has been, if she were closer this would be much less but as she always wants to stay (she thinks a 2 hour drive is too long to do in a day) then she knows we need to share the weekends out with other family/friends.

I hope this helps. A newborn is so stressful and you are already juggling so much. Take time to think about what works for you first and explain how you are feeling to your mum.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable if your mum has only met your daughter once in 10 weeks.

Is your mum particularly difficult? I just struggle to understand why you need so much time alone to learn how to be a parent. A couple of days I can understand, weeks and weeks not so much. Your mum is probably worried about you as it sounds like you're finding parenthood quite stressful.

@vastgrandupgrade

It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Do you mean your Mum has only seen DD once since she’s been born, and DD is now 10 weeks old? Unless there’s a back story of a poor relationship with your DM that you haven’t mentioned, that does seem very restrictive.

Maybe I wasn't clear about this bit. My mum has seen her a lot within the first 7 weeks, sometimes days in a row. I've taken 2 weeks away to learn how to be a mum and understand DD's needs, my mum saw her again and then another week has passed. My mum made the first comment about not seeing her enough during the 2 weeks (when DD was 7-9 weeks old).

@Coyoacan

You make it all sound so difficult. I don't understand why you have to go weeks on end without seeing anyone else. I personally enjoyed sharing my dd with my mum and friends and relatives.

It's more about setting the boundaries and my DM overstepping those boundaries. I enjoy sharing DD's growth and development with my friends and family too, but when I need time to myself/to tend to my daughters needs, my DM is not respecting that.

@Tee20x

I think the issue is that you've made your boundaries and what you feel comfortable clear & she is overstepping. So whether she comes round everyday or once every 3 weeks or whatever, if it feels overwhelming for you then it's too much.

No one should be applying pressure on you to see DD. Yes your mother wants to see her, but that doesn't come before you and baby's needs & she should understand that and give you some time to settle into the role.

Not sure about you and her relationship in general but if she is someone who can be a bit full on i can see why this would be annoying.

Thank you, My mum can be a bit full on and I get that she's excited just as much as I am. I think it's just that I may often need some time away from that unsolicited advice and 'I should be allowed to as I'm her grandparent' thing and just be able to enjoy my small family of three for a little bit?

I agree with other posters you seem to be over thinking and worrying about people wanting to see your baby. Perhaps it would be better that you visit them and that way you can leave when you have had enough. With a young baby I enjoyed company as I found it very lonely in the beginning

This is a reverse surely. Of course you're being unreasonable if your Mum has only seen her granddaughter once. She doesn't sound like she's being overly pushy, just expressing that she wants to be part of her grandchild's life. Stop being so precious and invite her round. If you're feeling overwhelmed take the opportunity to have a nap or shower for an hour while she has a cuddle.

@Aquamarine1029

Your daughter is 10 weeks old and your mother has seen her just once?

No, this is where I maybe wasn't as clear as I could have been. My mum has seen her a lot, from day 4 to 7 weeks, sometimes days in a row. But between weeks 7 and 9 my mum saw DD once.

@DockOTheBay

I think you're being a bit unreasonable if your mum has only met your daughter once in 10 weeks.

Is your mum particularly difficult? I just struggle to understand why you need so much time alone to learn how to be a parent. A couple of days I can understand, weeks and weeks not so much. Your mum is probably worried about you as it sounds like you're finding parenthood quite stressful.

I would agree if she had met her only the once in 19 weeks. I should have been more clear but she has met and been with DD lots amid times between day 4 and 7 weeks but just once since week 7 and 9. Now she's demanding more time with her as she didn't feel comfortable not seeing her within that 2 week period.

@WholeClassKeptIn

Are you feeling okay in other ways? Have you got a supportive partner? Feeling okay aftrr the birth? Got other support around you? Giving birth is such a huge thing x

I feel great! I love being a mum, I'm happy and supported. My partner couldn't be better. I just feel so much pressure from my mum that she needs more when I just need a little time. If I went on a two week holiday with my small family, would it still be a problem?

@amylou8

This is a reverse surely. Of course you're being unreasonable if your Mum has only seen her granddaughter once. She doesn't sound like she's being overly pushy, just expressing that she wants to be part of her grandchild's life. Stop being so precious and invite her round. If you're feeling overwhelmed take the opportunity to have a nap or shower for an hour while she has a cuddle.

As I've said in some of my other replies I could have been clearer. My mum saw her a lot between day 4 (when I came out of hospital) and week 7, often days in a row, I've taken 2 weeks to get to grips with everything and have a bit of a rest from all sorts of people but she is not comfortable with that.

All you can do is to keep putting the boundaries in place and grey rock when she has her tantrum that things aren't going her way.

Thanks for clarifying. That makes more sense. 2 weeks is still quite a long time when baby is so tiny, maybe if you gave your mum a date when you will let her see the baby next then she would stop asking

We've already spoken about it and gone over the sort of boundaries, you know, sometimes I may need a bit of space or sometimes I may say no if I or DD don't feel well or already have other plans etc. I think it's the fact she thinks she's not feeling like a proper nanny after only two weeks of not seeing her. Makes me feel she's being impatient a bit? After all, DD isn't even 3 months old and they both have the rest of their lives to build that relationship up which I wouldn't want to stop.

Is your mum close enough just to pop round and take the baby for a walk while you have an hour off? If so maybe you could offer her that and just say, "mum I don't feel like a longer visit but if you want to take the baby for a walk in the fresh air today why not pop round at x o'clock?" Then she can come and get the baby ready to go out, give her a cuddle, take her out for a walk and give you a break.

I think this idea of needing time to learn to be a mum is a bit abstract. Have you tried explaining it to your mum a different way - "it has been such a busy few months but I want to try and get a bit more routine set up so the baby sleeps better, and have a break from all the visitors which can make my week feel quite stressful, as there are always people in the house! Only for a little bit, I just need some space."

I would stop doing so much explaining and just say no. It seems even from the way that you have answered replies to this post that you are very conscientious and thoughtful and I wonder if your mum is taking advantage of that.

As PP said, look up grey rocking. You can always end conversations if she keeps nagging. Expect her to kick back but ultimately she will have to learn that she is your baby.

@PennyWus

Is your mum close enough just to pop round and take the baby for a walk while you have an hour off? If so maybe you could offer her that and just say, "mum I don't feel like a longer visit but if you want to take the baby for a walk in the fresh air today why not pop round at x o'clock?" Then she can come and get the baby ready to go out, give her a cuddle, take her out for a walk and give you a break.

I think this idea of needing time to learn to be a mum is a bit abstract. Have you tried explaining it to your mum a different way - "it has been such a busy few months but I want to try and get a bit more routine set up so the baby sleeps better, and have a break from all the visitors which can make my week feel quite stressful, as there are always people in the house! Only for a little bit, I just need some space."

Thank you, this is really helpful! She is close enough to pop over to do that so I may give it a go

@BuckEmOrf

I would stop doing so much explaining and just say no. It seems even from the way that you have answered replies to this post that you are very conscientious and thoughtful and I wonder if your mum is taking advantage of that.

As PP said, look up grey rocking. You can always end conversations if she keeps nagging. Expect her to kick back but ultimately she will have to learn that she is your baby.

I've just had a look at grey rocking and notice that my partner does this around DM which works for him, this leads me to point out that because of that DM has questioned whether he is right for me, if he doesn't like her, do they need to clear the air, is he interested in my family or just his own? I will give it a go and see how it pans out. Thank you for your comments and advice

I honestly am a bit at the taking tine out to learn to be a mum. You dont need time out for that, you're already being a mum. Meeting up with your mum for a coffee, her coming round for an hour or two will neither get in the way of this, or mean you have no alone time with your baby.

Are you going to baby groups and classes? These can give structure to your weeks which will make you busier and it more difficult for people (like your mum) just to drop in. That's not too say you can't just mooch around the house, but if you have baby massage in the morning and are keeping friends for cake in the afternoon, then there won't be as much time for her (and more importantly, it's good fun).

2 weeks is quite a long time to go without seeing a nearby newborn grandchild unless theres a reason not to - and I think that's the difference with things like going on holiday.

I have the grandparents living close, and in the 4.5y of parenting so far, i dont think they've gone more than about 5 days without seeing eachother (barring the lockdowns etc) but obviously that doesn't apply when we've been away on holiday etc.

I don't know. It feels more to me that your are being needlessly awkward rather than her being the problem here.

Disclaimer: this is possibly through my grumpy, am stuck to with non sleeping toddler grump.