How to deal with 'entitled' grandparents

[EJmumLA]

I’m struggling with the pressure I’m receiving from my mother about how often she would like to see my first DD (10 weeks old). It’s starting to make me feel stressed and anxious.
I had set boundaries with when family could visit after the birth and that was ruined and overstepped by my family wanting to visit all together, 6 people wanting to visit at one time when I only wanted a maximum of 3 so not to feel overwhelmed. They argued with me 3 days pp saying how I was being unfair on them that they couldn’t share the joy of meeting DD with each other but I felt I couldn’t enjoy it if everyone was there at one time, besides they were there to meet my DD not to see everyone else.
I was worried this would be the case with the in-laws, not my own family, but they were great, mine were not.
Now everyone has met DD at about 7 weeks, I have taken a few weeks to myself to learn how to be a mum for the first time and enjoy the time with DD getting into a bit more of a routine and understanding her needs. My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough. It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Am I wrong for wanting to take time to learn how to be a parent for the first time? Has anyone else been through a similar situation?

Personally, I feel that my mother needs to respect my boundaries and understand that as DD is not even 3 months old that I should be allowed some time to parent and she should know and feel confident that she will be able to build a relationship with her GD throughout her life, but by adding this pressure by demanding to see DD more often is adding a new stress to an already stressful and demanding role of being a new mum.

I don’t want to stop my mother from seeing DD but I would like to be able to have them visit and visit them on my terms, meaning, when I feel up to it, if DD is not having a good day that plans can change and to rearrange, and if I want/need time to myself and DD for a couple/few weeks that I should be allowed that time.

I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about it. Please can someone help me with how I can go about this discussion?

Thanks,

I agree that it is a domineering way to speak. Entitled sounding.

I think I know exactly how you feel OP. I was really worried about my mother coming over and telling me everything I was doing was wrong and that I should watch how she could settle baby/burp her/clean baby gros the right way. Even from afar she mocked the way I wrote thank you letters and told me I wasn’t wrapping her well. It isn’t intentional, it is just because she doesn’t think anyone can do anything as well as she can. So she feels obliged to share it. But I knew it would make me feel I wasn’t good enough to be a mum tbf obvs everyone feels this way. But I totally get the need for space. Also someone told me just to nod and smile with advice. Hard to remember but useful. Good luck and congratulations.

@SylvanasWindrunner

It all sounds like a lot of hard work and over-managed tbh. I don't really understand the learning to be a parent thing - you learn just by doing, it's not like an exam where you take two weeks off to cram

I think I'd just stop trying to manage it so heavily and just let things happen naturally, just like in other facets of life. It just sounds overly complicated and overwrought.

Completely agree with this - it all sounds a bit dramatic

I did not even go outside for 2 months after having the baby. People need to back off. At around 3 months I was ready to interact with people.

Thank you to the people who have said they understand.
I didn't think it was necessary to put in the original post that DM and I have had our issues in the past. As have most M/D relationships, everyone's is different.

DM can be overbearing in a lot of situations, get too easily offended by the tiniest things and has caused a lot of rifts between not just myself and her, but between herself and her siblings and nieces and nephews too. It's been quite toxic at times and I do want to protect DD from that but never have wanted to stop DM from seeing DD and do want them to build a relationship. Hopefully, a better one than I had with DM.

10 weeks is nothing and when I say I want to learn how to be a mum, I mean I want to learn and understand DD's cues. I spent the first 7 weeks of her life sharing her with everyone, DMs side of the family, DF's side of the family and DP's side of the family and they would often say "that's a hungry cry" or "I'll change her nappy". when taking 'time out' to have some time to do this, no one else has piped up to say they're unhappy or disappointed with not seeing DD for 2 weeks, they've not even questioned it as they didn't see it as a problem.

I will re-think the grey-rocking, but keep it in the back of my mind. I'm open to options but with the history DM and I have I just want all options. I get that people will think I'm being precious, but for those who say that may have great relationships with their DMs. Mine has been getting better but hasn't always been good.

She could be quite overbearing during my pregnancy too and didn't understand why I asked her not to buy anything before the 12 week scan and then also until 20 weeks as I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, 6 months before. Yet at 8 weeks she's buying a pram and steriliser and when asked not to do it yet gets upset saying she won't ever get excited about me being pregnant and the thought of being a GM. It's not like I asked her to never get excited or buy things. Just not until baby was confirmed with a beating heart, but it wasn't good enough for her.

Thanks again for the advice, support and also the critical comments

I dont agree @gamerchick, OP's DM only mentioned it after 2 weeks of not seeing her DGC. It's not demanding to calmly express how she feels about the low contact after only seeing her DGD in person once in 3 weeks. She isn't bursting in uninvited, demanding overnights etc etc, she just wants to see her grandchild a bit more frequently.

You can't stop people buying stuff with their own money. Doesn't mean you have to accept it at your house or anything.

Sounds like you will have to be absolutely clear about what you want/expect otherwise your mum will come to you wanting to discuss x,y,z anytime she doesn't get her way then.
It'll be tricky

@EJmumLA I think people saying they don't understand why you haven't seen her frequently etc are basing that on their own relationships with their parents. If you have a great relationship with your mum then fine, see them everyday if you want!

But unless you have the experience of being around someone who is so overbearing it really gets draining and sucks the joy out of things. For instance, my grandmother is as you've described your mum and when DD was born was full of unsolicited advice, telling me what I will and won't be doing with my child, hovering around for no reason etc etc etc.

It's as if DD became the focal point of her life and with that came clingyness and it was just so overwhelming I had to remove myself from the situation for a break.

Go at your own pace and don't be pressured into anything!

Yes she may be excited about being a grandparent but she needs to manage that and not be overbearing.

I dont know, I kind of feel like you're stressing yourself out more by trying to schedule visitation.

I get what you're saying about not wanting her there all the time, but the "learning to be a mum" thing at 7 weeks+ is just really weird OP.

Cant you just ask your mum to call/text if shes thinking about coming over and then you can reply that if it doesn't work for you just say "I can't today but how about xxx date"

Sorry, but I do feel it's a bit harsh to keep her away for weeks on end. My mum visits roughly once a week, and has done since my first DC was born almost 13 years ago. Works for me as I know when to expect her, works for her as she gets to see the 3 DCs and bond but it's not overwhelming and believe me my mother is not an easy person to spend too much time around.

Small babies change so quickly and I think it is understandable than your DM doesn't want to miss seeing DD for weeks at a time. Couldn't you agree to meet for 2 hours at a particular time once a week? You could perhaps meet at a coffee shop if you want to be able to end the meeting at a time of your choosing.

Agree with @gamerchick the 'we need to discuss our relationship' when you've just had a baby is telling. It's incredibly self centred to encroach on a brand new mother's emotional energy like that.

Likewise, when OP was nervous because it was a pregnancy following a miscarriage, her mother did not show respect or care for her daughter's feelings. It was all about her and what she wanted to feel.

Some people cannot fathom that they, their feelings and their wishes aren't the priority. That sometimes (like when your daughter has just given birth) you should be thinking about how to support her, not what you're entitled to in that situation.

OP your mother sounds incredibly draining. You're a mother now, the time and patience you had for her before is just not going to exist in the same quantities now. There will be a period of adjustment and I expect it will be ugly because your mother doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy or insight into other people's needs, or even be able to read situations very well.

Do what you feel is best for you and you baby.

"we need to discuss our relationship' when you've just had a baby is telling. It's incredibly self centred to encroach on a brand new mother's emotional energy like that."

Yup!

When I was pregnant with PFB, FIL told me that it was important that MIL become good friends.

Nope! Too late!

Has anyone else noticed how different the advice is when it’s the OPs own mother? I definitely feel like if the. FP had been exactly the same, but just with MIL instead of mum, people would have been telling OP to firm up boundaries, go grey rock, and not back down!!

I just don’t get it!

Really? I think it is awful how some posters treat their mil :(

Nidan's answer is great - I think saying "Not today but how about we get coffee on the X/ you come round for coffee on Y etc is great. It is a far more positive response than "im setting a boundary and don't want to see you for 2 weeks." I think that was quite destructive and I am not surprised your mum wants to chat about it. I would want to check what has gone wrong if a friend or family member did that to me.

@WholeClassKeptIn

Really? I think it is awful how some posters treat their mil :(

That’s what I mean! I agree with you, and don’t understand why posters here are stepping in to defend her DM but it seems wouldn’t do the same if she has said DMIL.

@WholeClassKeptIn

Nidan's answer is great - I think saying "Not today but how about we get coffee on the X/ you come round for coffee on Y etc is great. It is a far more positive response than "im setting a boundary and don't want to see you for 2 weeks." I think that was quite destructive and I am not surprised your mum wants to chat about it. I would want to check what has gone wrong if a friend or family member did that to me.

Thank you. I'll definitely try a much more positive approach. There was never any point that I said to DM words along the lines of "I don't want to see you for two weeks" "you're not allowed to see DD for two weeks" it just so happened that I didn't see anyone including DM for two weeks so I could spend some quality time with DD which I feel I should be able to do without any shame

@WholeClassKeptIn

Nidan's answer is great - I think saying "Not today but how about we get coffee on the X/ you come round for coffee on Y etc is great. It is a far more positive response than "im setting a boundary and don't want to see you for 2 weeks." I think that was quite destructive and I am not surprised your mum wants to chat about it. I would want to check what has gone wrong if a friend or family member did that to me.

Yes I think this would be a good way too

I've noticed it too @Holly60 the PIL have barely been mentioned on this thread yet they have been subject to the same treatment as the DM. In OP's dripfeed reply she's said that her mum has form for being overbearing, but what have the PILs done?

@PomegranateQueen op said I was worried this would be the case with the in-laws, not my own family, but they were great, mine were not.

@PomegranateQueen

I've noticed it too *@Holly60* the PIL have barely been mentioned on this thread yet they have been subject to the same treatment as the DM. In OP's dripfeed reply she's said that her mum has form for being overbearing, but what have the PILs done?

I've taken time away from seeing everyone now DD has met everyone she needs to. PIL have seen DD just as much as DM throughout her short life but haven't kicked up a stink about not seeing her enough, they've understood and MIL has said that it's up to me and my partner what we do with DD and how often and when we visit them and DD. They're fully understanding which is why I'm struggling with the pressures from DM being overbearing with the requests for discussion on how often she should be seeing DD.

I think once a week is a fair compromise for visiting. A short visit for say an hour and a half is plenty. Pre arranged. Not this calling round uninvited.

Stick to your guns OP. Frequent visits do not necessarily mean better bonding. And tbh, no one else needs to be worrying about bonding with your baby more than you do. Ds spent the majority of the first 5 years of his life on another continent from both our families, and still has a brilliant relationship with all his grandparents. Your mum needs to realise its not all about her.

I get what you're saying about not wanting her there all the time, but the "learning to be a mum" thing at 7 weeks+ is just really weird OP.

No, it’s not. I have an older child, and my twins are 3 months but I’m still getting to know them. I love our quiet time together, it can be easier to get a routine going when you have some time alone. Plus babies can often be quite overstimulated with lots of visitors passing through all the time.

Like Op has said, she had loads of visitors in the early days and wants some space. Why shouldn’t she? Absolutely nothing weird about it.

Stick to your guns.

I can see that you want time to learn to read your daughter and respond to her without everyone diagnosing what's wrong with her (they're probably wrong), watching you and getting in the way of a routine. Plus you are an adult not a zoo keeper or exhibit keeper and you just want to be free to come and go. You should have that.

Your parents feelings and what they do with them are their responsibility. You are quite right in thinking there are many years ahead for them to enjoy, and your need to bond, find a rhythm and grow your relationship with your daughter are priorities. She can huff but you hold all the cards now. You have the child she wants to see and you don't want to hurt her so she will get whatever access is best for everyone, not best for her specifically.

I would brush off any theatrics and not give it head space. She has lots of happy times ahead but she is peripheral not central your baby's life. That is something she will have to take on the chin and learn to be gracious about. Be courteous, unflappable and firm, and do give her an hour or half an hour each week so she can tell her friends she's seen the baby (this is key to avoiding a show down as her friends will stoke her resentment if she can't declare she's recently seen him). And turn your focus elsewhere, back to your baby.