How to deal with 'entitled' grandparents

[EJmumLA]

I’m struggling with the pressure I’m receiving from my mother about how often she would like to see my first DD (10 weeks old). It’s starting to make me feel stressed and anxious.
I had set boundaries with when family could visit after the birth and that was ruined and overstepped by my family wanting to visit all together, 6 people wanting to visit at one time when I only wanted a maximum of 3 so not to feel overwhelmed. They argued with me 3 days pp saying how I was being unfair on them that they couldn’t share the joy of meeting DD with each other but I felt I couldn’t enjoy it if everyone was there at one time, besides they were there to meet my DD not to see everyone else.
I was worried this would be the case with the in-laws, not my own family, but they were great, mine were not.
Now everyone has met DD at about 7 weeks, I have taken a few weeks to myself to learn how to be a mum for the first time and enjoy the time with DD getting into a bit more of a routine and understanding her needs. My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough. It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Am I wrong for wanting to take time to learn how to be a parent for the first time? Has anyone else been through a similar situation?

Personally, I feel that my mother needs to respect my boundaries and understand that as DD is not even 3 months old that I should be allowed some time to parent and she should know and feel confident that she will be able to build a relationship with her GD throughout her life, but by adding this pressure by demanding to see DD more often is adding a new stress to an already stressful and demanding role of being a new mum.

I don’t want to stop my mother from seeing DD but I would like to be able to have them visit and visit them on my terms, meaning, when I feel up to it, if DD is not having a good day that plans can change and to rearrange, and if I want/need time to myself and DD for a couple/few weeks that I should be allowed that time.

I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about it. Please can someone help me with how I can go about this discussion?

Thanks,

Why were you worried that your in-laws might be difficult? It sounds like they are great!

You sound a tiny bit uptight ?
Why would you need two weeks to learn how to be a mum ?
They just need feeding cuddling and wiping
It’s not rocket science at the early stages
Sorry if that sounds harsh but can you negotiate a weekly meet up so everyone is happy

I don't want to sound harsh but you are really overthinking and complicating things. Everyone likes to throw around buzz words like "boundaries" and it's just not necessary!
Your Mum wants to see the baby today, it's a simple reply of either "yeah, sounds great I'll see you in a bit" OR "I'm not really in the mood today can we meet later in the week"?
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
And for reference my own Mum could be a pain in the arse when I was pregnant and having my first, at times I thought she was the one having him, not me?! She got jealous of my in laws having time with him. It took time for her to settle down a bit, but she did.
She was a giddy kipper, excited and overjoyed with her new grandson.
But I will say that she was a major part of my kids lives in a good way and a huge support to me. This may be your first child but remember that other family members can benefit your child's life positively. (Barring anything toxic)
Also, my eldest is 21 and youngest is 14, believe me- I'm still learning.

Why shouldn't the Op decide for herself when she wants to meet up?

She's taken a whole 14 days to do as she pleases. It doesn't warrant anyone giving her a hard time.

@Tillysfad you've absolutely summed up what I've been meaning to say and what I'm after in a relationship with my mum and relationship between my mum and daughter.
Thank you

@pheonixrebirth
It's not as simple as that at all, DM gets so offended if I say no to something and questions why, I'm being rude, she will state her rights and her opinion is right and mine is not.
You must have a better relationship with your mother.

Does your mum have a job? Her own life? She seems very keen to be involved in yours. You need to time to hang out with your baby, maybe meet new baby friends, lie on the sofa or whatever. You are still recovering from pregnancy. Really all guests even parents should remember that

@Newgirls that's what I was thinking.

This whole thread is very 50/50 about the situation

The only thing that matters here if YOU. If you feel swamped by her or anyone else then you are ok to have boundaries. A great mum should just say ‘ok I hear you. Just let me know if you need anything at all’ and leave you to it

@EJmumLA
Ah ok! I can understand where your coming from in that respect. I would find that frustrating as well being told I'm right your wrong.
I lost my Mum when she was in her early 50,s so I could be looking back with rose tinted glasses so to speak. Although we definitely had our ups and downs. I saw my Mums desperation and jealousy over my in laws as her being insecure and just tried to reassure her that she was equally important, if not more so. Some people aren't what I would call emotionally intelligent and this can mean that they express themselves in a haphazard kind of way.

I think becoming a mother yourself changes the dynamic somewhat and her coming across with the "your wrong, I'm right" kind of mentality could be her trying to maintain some control over you iyswim.
I don't think she means it in a horrible way but she probably wants to be needed in a way, to impart some of her motherly knowledge.

Just to say I agree - yes you absolutely should be able to take time out as you feel you need it, without anyone commenting on it.

Also re your mother buying things when you had asked her to wait, and then being upset. I agree this is her making it all about herself and demonstrating inability to put herself in your shoes. For eg there would be nothing stopping her from buying something but then just waiting to tell you!!!

I would say stay strong. Ideally one would be able to have rational discussions about boundaries with this type of person, but since it’s sadly not possible the suggestions here for how to manage her are good.

Op

You don’t want your mum around.

You’re confusing matters with the nonsense about “learning to be a parent”

Own it. You want your mum to stop interfering and back off.

No need to lie to an anonymous forum

People saying 'what's the big deal' clearly don't have a difficult relationship with their mothers and lack imagination. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with unsolicited advice and that your mother is generally quite overbearing. It's fine to see her as often (or as seldom) as suits YOU and your baby. She doesn't have any 'rights' over seeing you - that's controlling and weird of her to suggest that she does.

@TheNarwhalBalloon

People saying 'what's the big deal' clearly don't have a difficult relationship with their mothers and lack imagination. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with unsolicited advice and that your mother is generally quite overbearing. It's fine to see her as often (or as seldom) as suits YOU and your baby. She doesn't have any 'rights' over seeing you - that's controlling and weird of her to suggest that she does.

Then the op should have said that

Rather than saying she wants the time to learn how to parent

I'd tell my mum to piss off if she behaved like that.

My inlaws were like that at one point and we didn't see them for over 4 years. They don't overstep anymore so we make the effort to see them.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Op

You don’t want your mum around.

You’re confusing matters with the nonsense about “learning to be a parent”

Own it. You want your mum to stop interfering and back off.

No need to lie to an anonymous forum

You seem to know more about me than me!

No I do want my mum around, why would I lie to strangers about something that I'm really struggling with and want advice from non-biased people?

I want her around, I don't want her around all the time and would like her to respect my wishes to have some time to myself and daughter.

Thanks for trying though

There’s a happy medium between not having you mum over at all for last fortnight and beyond because you want to “learn how to parent”

And “wanting her around” but to give you space

You pressed the nuclear button on a situation that didn’t warrant it. Especially if you actually do want your mum around

Your mum sounds quite irritating. It might go easier if you decide on a regular weekly or twice-weekly slot when she can come round. And stick to it like glue while grey-rocking complaints.

Your Mum sounds a bit "it's all about meeeeeee". You don't necessarily want someone who oversteps boundaries just "popping over" because they will "pop over" when it suits them not you.