How to deal with 'entitled' grandparents

[EJmumLA]

I’m struggling with the pressure I’m receiving from my mother about how often she would like to see my first DD (10 weeks old). It’s starting to make me feel stressed and anxious.
I had set boundaries with when family could visit after the birth and that was ruined and overstepped by my family wanting to visit all together, 6 people wanting to visit at one time when I only wanted a maximum of 3 so not to feel overwhelmed. They argued with me 3 days pp saying how I was being unfair on them that they couldn’t share the joy of meeting DD with each other but I felt I couldn’t enjoy it if everyone was there at one time, besides they were there to meet my DD not to see everyone else.
I was worried this would be the case with the in-laws, not my own family, but they were great, mine were not.
Now everyone has met DD at about 7 weeks, I have taken a few weeks to myself to learn how to be a mum for the first time and enjoy the time with DD getting into a bit more of a routine and understanding her needs. My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough. It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Am I wrong for wanting to take time to learn how to be a parent for the first time? Has anyone else been through a similar situation?

Personally, I feel that my mother needs to respect my boundaries and understand that as DD is not even 3 months old that I should be allowed some time to parent and she should know and feel confident that she will be able to build a relationship with her GD throughout her life, but by adding this pressure by demanding to see DD more often is adding a new stress to an already stressful and demanding role of being a new mum.

I don’t want to stop my mother from seeing DD but I would like to be able to have them visit and visit them on my terms, meaning, when I feel up to it, if DD is not having a good day that plans can change and to rearrange, and if I want/need time to myself and DD for a couple/few weeks that I should be allowed that time.

I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about it. Please can someone help me with how I can go about this discussion?

Thanks,

I'd think it really weird to stop my mother seeing her first grandchild for 2 weeks so I could "learn to be a Mum".
Your mother is excited, be glad, embrace it, there's enough women in the world wishing their mother was more interested.
You sound like you're making this all very strange and difficult, when it needn't be.

YABVU. This isn't some random stranger but your mother and your child's grandmother. You are being unnecessarily difficult.

I think people who have nice easy relationships with their mothers can really underestimate how stressful this stuff is if you don’t.
OP my DM was the same and I found it really difficult. Nothing was ever enough and she didn’t understand hints that this week wasn’t a good time and got offended if told no directly. I needed up avoiding her calls because I couldn’t cope with her and sleep deprivation and then of course it got worse. I’m sorry I have no advice because I handled it really badly but I do have lots of sympathy and understand that feeling of just wanting to shout ‘Agghhhh, give me some space’

I feel sorry for your dm having to make appointments...
My dd is 32 and being her dm is still a learning curve.. Haven't barricaded us in though...
Surely a pop in for coffee /quick lunch isn't stopping you being a dm?

@Blahdyblahbla and many who have lost their mums and would give anything to have then around.

It's your mother!! She wants to see her granddaughter. YABBVU and a little precious

@romdowa why on earth would you want to grey rock your own mum?? ridiculous comment.

@lollipoprainbow

Sorry I think you are being precious and difficult ! Mums are to be cherished, mine certainly was and I wanted her to see my daughter as much as possible. Why is she 'entitled' to want to see her granddaughter ??

Not all mothers are or deserve to be cherished. Some need to be kept at arms length.

In the end it is your baby and your rules. You don't have to let your mum in at all if you don't want to. She has no rights. Plenty of new mums want to "hole up" with their babies and not be disturbed.

However, you sound stressed and family can help with early struggles.

Have you tried explaining to your mum how you feel (how she feels is not important at this stage) . Go back with your boundaries and agree whatever you can cope with this week, maybe two hours one afternoon with you in your house. Stick to that until you feel more relaxed and adapt from there.

I hope you feel better soon.

I think people who have nice easy relationships with their mothers can really underestimate how stressful this stuff is if you don’t

Yes and always ALWAYS trot out the whole. ' you only get one mum, some of us would love to see ours again'

Give your ma a date OP, visit her rather than let her come to you so you can leave when you want.

I think what it comes down to is what kind of relationship you have with your Mum. I know some women love having their mother around during this time, if you are close then it doesn’t really feel so much like having visitors.

My mum and I aren’t close, for a number of reason. She doesn’t live near me anymore so is only able to visit every couple of weeks or months, but when she does she has to stay and I do find it hard.

I am also quite an introvert (no 100% but a lot of the time), and both times I have had my babies (twins are currently 3 months too). I sort of put myself in a bubble. I like to just be at home by myself without any visitors mostly, so I can slob about and just cuddles my babies.

I would love to have a close relationship with my Mum, but unfortunately too much has happened and it’s not possible. If I did I’d probably want her around all the time!

I hope I will with my daughters, but I’d definitely respect their privacy if they wanted a bit of time by themselves.

@gamerchick I totally agree. It can be very stressful and difficult having your mother around if you have a complex relationship. Especially when you are a new mum, it bring up a lot of feelings to the surface in my experience.

I agree that always booking the next visit in really helps with my needier relatives. Then if something nice and spontaneous happens as an extra its ok to add it in.
I also found saying MIL wants to a relationship too so I have to ensure she gets a look in gave a buffer

I'm shocked that people are telling you to hand your baby over and that you don't learn to be a Mum! Of course you're not learning everything you need to know right now but you've had the biggest change of your life and are completely entitled to do things at your own pace and adapt to the changes.

There was a thread a little white ago asking if every 2 weeks was enough to see grandparents. The overall message was that it is absolutely more than enough and grandparents have no right to grandchildren.

Babies don't need grandparents unless the parents need the help. Toddlers and beyond, yes that is a lovely relationship for them to have but you're not there yet so don't worry. Your baby will grow, needs will change, your confidence levels will change too.

The most important thing you can do is go at your own pace and do things your way!! (Unless, of course, in cases of pnd when reality might be clouded). Don't waste time feeling bad or feeling guilty. Your Mum has years to create a relationship and having had a baby during lockdown, I can assure you that not seeing a small baby has no bearing on their relationship with their grandchild. Mine have a wonderful relationship now after seeing each other only twice during the first year. It's much more important that you put yourself and the baby first. Do what makes you feel good for now. You're still in the fourth trimester so enjoy it.

The suggestion of having a visit booked in sounds good, but between those times, ignore her guilt trips and enjoy these times. Yes it's her grandchild but it's your child. Your needs and wants come first.

My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough.

My mum lived 5,500 miles away and built an amazing relationship with my daughter over video calls and visits every 8-10 weeks.

Your mum is putting her “wants” over your “needs”. Maybe you could point that out to her.

You are not doing anything wrong at all, she is your baby, of course you should do what you feel is best and having boundaries is healthy!

[quote Twinmumandtoddler]@gamerchick I totally agree. It can be very stressful and difficult having your mother around if you have a complex relationship. Especially when you are a new mum, it bring up a lot of feelings to the surface in my experience.[/quote]
Yes. It's amazing how much crap women found out they have buried from their own childhoods when they become a mother themselves and look at their own through fresh eyes.

Haven't read the full thread but- if you can't imagine feeling this way about your mother-

Count your blessings and check your privilege.

You are fortunate to have/have had a neutral-good-amazing relationship with your mother.

Not everyone is so lucky.

Some people's families are hard work, and when you've had a baby your priorities can and should shift. OP is right to listen to her own feelings and to do what she needs to PP.

If you can't get your head around that, you're not qualified to weigh in on the OP's experience IMO.

OP, take care of yourself. Your mum has a lifetime to 'bond' with her GD- if you think that's what should happen. If you need space, take it.

OP has not said that she is distancing from her mother and in laws because they are abusive, she gives her reasons in the OP and unless OP is going to give a massive drip feed they sound perfectly normal.

This is the problem, I know with my DM and MIL, grandchildren are a hot topic of conversation because becoming a grandparent is a big life event. It will be humiliating for them to have to admit that they haven't seen thier DGM in a while. People will assume they either dont care or are in some way abusive.

*DGD sorry!

There hasn't been anything to suggest there's a complex mother/daughter relationship from the OP. (Until now maybe!)
So I'm going off what she's written rather than projecting which is was some people seem to be doing.

God when are women just going to be allowed to go at their own pace? Why can't the Op decide for herself what works best for her?

If you can't put yourself to the forefront when you are a new mother when can you?

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Many people now say the whole"it takes a village to raise a child" is non existent yet, when there is a "village" willing to help, the door is closed on it

Yup. The PPs egging on the OP to greyrock her DM for wanting to see her new GC fairly frequently won’t be there to help out the OP when she needs it. A strong bond between GC and GM is likely to be a huge help to the OP in the future. There are so many MNetters who seem to get a kick out of disrupting perfectly normal family relationships. I have an incredibly difficult mother myself, so fully get why NC/LC is needed in some cases, but I’m mystified what the poor woman is supposed to have done wrong.

Exactly. If op thinks she may need her for childcare or even for having occasional overnights so she and her partner can go out etc then I think it's better to start the relationship early. Op says she's confident her mum will have a good relationship in her life.. but when? She could be setting rules and boundaries every step of the way. Oh it's not the right time, I'm still learning etc etc...

See this is the bit that stood out to me.

My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough

Nurturing mother's don't say stuff like that. 'like to discuss their relationship' indeed. To a new mother who is navigating new waters. It's demanding, pressurising and knackering people do who do that shit. Always about them and how they feel

@Notonthestairs

God when are women just going to be allowed to go at their own pace? Why can't the Op decide for herself what works best for her?

If you can't put yourself to the forefront when you are a new mother when can you?

Yup!

Op's mum is excited & probably wants to spend as much time as possible with the baby-funnily enough, so does Op.

My parents used to make it absolutely clear that they were visiting me and GC was an added bonus.

I was a parent & that incidentally made they Gps & they were delighted about that-but it carried no expectations on their part.