How to deal with 'entitled' grandparents

[EJmumLA]

I’m struggling with the pressure I’m receiving from my mother about how often she would like to see my first DD (10 weeks old). It’s starting to make me feel stressed and anxious.
I had set boundaries with when family could visit after the birth and that was ruined and overstepped by my family wanting to visit all together, 6 people wanting to visit at one time when I only wanted a maximum of 3 so not to feel overwhelmed. They argued with me 3 days pp saying how I was being unfair on them that they couldn’t share the joy of meeting DD with each other but I felt I couldn’t enjoy it if everyone was there at one time, besides they were there to meet my DD not to see everyone else.
I was worried this would be the case with the in-laws, not my own family, but they were great, mine were not.
Now everyone has met DD at about 7 weeks, I have taken a few weeks to myself to learn how to be a mum for the first time and enjoy the time with DD getting into a bit more of a routine and understanding her needs. My mum has now started to ask to see DD and has stated that she does not feel comfortable with how long its been since she saw her last and can’t build a relationship with her over video, it’s making her feel like she’s ‘not a proper nanny’ and would like to discuss our relationship and feels disappointed she’s not seeing DD enough. It'd had been 2 weeks when she first made a comment, she has seen DD once and has now been 3 weeks since she first made a comment.

Am I wrong for wanting to take time to learn how to be a parent for the first time? Has anyone else been through a similar situation?

Personally, I feel that my mother needs to respect my boundaries and understand that as DD is not even 3 months old that I should be allowed some time to parent and she should know and feel confident that she will be able to build a relationship with her GD throughout her life, but by adding this pressure by demanding to see DD more often is adding a new stress to an already stressful and demanding role of being a new mum.

I don’t want to stop my mother from seeing DD but I would like to be able to have them visit and visit them on my terms, meaning, when I feel up to it, if DD is not having a good day that plans can change and to rearrange, and if I want/need time to myself and DD for a couple/few weeks that I should be allowed that time.

I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about it. Please can someone help me with how I can go about this discussion?

Thanks,

Yes I'm not sure what the taking time out to learn to be a mum means.

I think your mum is keen to be a granny and won't understand the thought process of taking two weeks out.
Many people now say the whole"it takes a village to raise a child" is non existent yet, when there is a "village" willing to help, the door is closed on it.

I'd relax a bit of I were you, op

Id feel a bit off if friends said they needed 2 weeks break from me. It's an odd way to put it and not a "boundary" that normally exists. If it feels like she's there too much then I like the pp idea of suggesting she take the baby out for a walk or that have some things planned for a few days but "how avout you come for coffee monday afternoon?" Inviting someone for a point in the future is far kinder than telling someone you don't want to see them until then. "

I agree the "time to learn to how to be a mum" is a bit wishy washy for your mum I think. But it's done now. How often would you like your mum to see your little one?

I think you're being far too precious. A time will come when you need your mum, for childcare or support of some kind. Many new parents would kill for a willing and loving grandparent! She's worried you're setting a precident of not letting her see her grandchild very much. Just invite her round.

Does 'taking time out to be a mum' mean your mum is over bearing or overly directive in how you look after your baby? And you want a bit of space away from that? That's how I read it.

The bit about not being able to bond as a grandmother is clearly nonsense, lots of grandparents don't spend as much time with a new born grandchild as she has and have great relationships. I do think it would help to give her a clear indication of when she can see the baby though- both next and regularly. Could you do a once a week meet up or similar?

Would you be able to get your mum involved in more practical and helpful ways- rather than just coming round to do all the fun bits like holding the baby ? Eg come with you to do a food shop which can be very daunting on your own with a baby, take baby out for a quick walk in the pram so you can have a bath etc
She probably is remembering how tough the early months can be and may genuinely be trying to be supportive and helpful
I can sympathise though op as my mil was quite invasive but tbh it doesn't last long and as your baby gets more mobile and interested in life you'll probably find it really helpful having an involved grandparent to call on
Nothing wrong with it being in your terms though

I think I'm as confused as your mum, why did you suddenly need to learn how to be a parent at 7 weeks? What had you been doing prior to that? What is there to parent at 7weeks? They don't do anything. Are you coping ok, getting out and about, physical recovery gone well?

Anyway, it ok to enforce your boundaries but equally it's ok for other people to feel a bit put out.

* I've taken 2 weeks away to learn how to be a mum and understand DD's needs, my mum saw her again and then another week has passed. *

If you had a good relationship with your mother, you wouldn’t have this view.

You clearly don’t, hence your stance.

If you don’t want to see your mum, that’s fine. But to go on about learning to be a parent… is odd

Do what you feel is right op. If you had a great relationship you'd be eager to see her/have her help. She sounds suffocating.

I always thought and think that my own mother's actions were driven by how she appears to her friends when they discuss grand children. She's not really interested but thinks she should be when she hears what her friends do. So she does stuff she doesn't want to, to say she's done stuff to her friends. Drives me nuts. We don't have any form of relationship unsurprisingly!

It all sounds like a lot of hard work and over-managed tbh. I don't really understand the learning to be a parent thing - you learn just by doing, it's not like an exam where you take two weeks off to cram

I think I'd just stop trying to manage it so heavily and just let things happen naturally, just like in other facets of life. It just sounds overly complicated and overwrought.

You never know when you will be grateful for your mums help pick your battles.

Personally, I would have loved to have seen my mum as often as possible in those early weeks but she isn't nearby so it was more like every three weeks, which can be quite a long time when a baby is small. They change so much so quickly. But it sounds like maybe you have a difficult relationship with your mum in some ways, so I understand wanting a break. But I think it's probably easier if instead of having 'two weeks off', you just reduce the frequency or length of the regular visits or let it naturally settle to something you are comfortable with instead.

Your baby your rules. Second time round I've had my ILs visit baby less after their continued dominance over my first DS. Do what suits you.

I think just let go of/ignore her reaction to your need for a two week time out. And now work on boundaries and routine moving forwards. So, ignore all this fluff she is texting. Just reply-we'd love to see you mum-how about Tuesday afternoon? Ignore all the poor me nonsense and just respond positively and enthusiastically.

Also, if your daughter is having a bad day. Dont cancel on close family like mum. She loves you both no matter what and those are the days the extra pair of hands is most valuable.

Also, make it work for you. You go there so you can leave when ready as PP said. Use mum to help build confidence. 'Hi mum, how about we meet in town for a coffee and an hour round the shops'. I always found support to get out and about invaluable.

If you have a tough week where partner is doing a lot of late nights-invite her over around tea time to help with bath and bed. She will enjoy that and it helps you.

She perhaps also wants to feel useful so if you set things up as could you come and help with x. Ie watch dd whilst i do an hours housework. But also then add and then lets go for a walk-to signal the end of the visit.

But no-dont sit in your house on ceremony and only allow people in when it is in show home condition and you are confident your dd will perform.

And as for unwanted advice. 'Hmmmh interesting. Ill give it some thought'. Change subject.

Sorry I think you are being precious and difficult ! Mums are to be cherished, mine certainly was and I wanted her to see my daughter as much as possible. Why is she 'entitled' to want to see her granddaughter ??

This is so sad. A close bond with grandparents is hugely beneficial to children. Contact over the phone/video call just isn't the same and I say this as someone who does live away from family. Meeting up with the grandparents a couple of times a week is not going to stop you from learning to become a mum. Your PIL will most likely be feeling the same as your DM but feel like they cant be as open with you.

Do you or your DP have siblings OP? I know grandparents should not have favourites but if you continue to micromanage the relationship in this way do not be surprised if they form a closer bond with other grandchildren.

To be honest, I think it might be easier for you to learn to be a mum if you handed your DD over to your mum a bit more and had a bit of time for yourself and to sleep. Our closest relatives were 4 hours away and all worked full time when the DC were babies and I was so envious of those who had family members in the same area who would come over and take the baby for a walk, keep an eye on the baby whilst the mum had a bath, go to the supermarket with them, sort out some washing, meet them for lunch or a walk.
It doesn't always have to be at your house with you hosting.
Your DD will then become completely comfortable with your mum and will know your mum can comfort her, look after her etc which will make it much easier if you ever use your mum for childcare or babysitting or anything.
Of course, it wasn't all sweetness and light for these friends and there was lots of "you won't believe what DM/MIL did today" tales but generally the positive outweighed the negatives.

Is your dm driving you crazy telling you how to do things and taking over with the baby? It would be understandable that you would need a break from that. Has your partner being on parental leave so you are both enjoying that time together with baby? .It would be understandable that your dm being in and out would upset that time maybe.
To feel the way you do sounds like your dm is over doing it . Think it's a good idea to give her specific times and jobs as suggested so she feels useful and you get a little break.
Some mothers are great in those circumstances knowing when to keep quiet and when to go
home . Others are clueless! But remember your dm will be a help later with babysitting/ pick up from school etc. Keep her on board.

My top tip is to always make the next plan when she's leaving. So "mum are you free Tuesday for lunch?" Or "mum we'll call over on Thursday " etc so she knows when she's seeing her.

Also call to her or meet her for lunch etc so it's not always in your house.

Many people now say the whole"it takes a village to raise a child" is non existent yet, when there is a "village" willing to help, the door is closed on it

Yup. The PPs egging on the OP to greyrock her DM for wanting to see her new GC fairly frequently won’t be there to help out the OP when she needs it. A strong bond between GC and GM is likely to be a huge help to the OP in the future. There are so many MNetters who seem to get a kick out of disrupting perfectly normal family relationships. I have an incredibly difficult mother myself, so fully get why NC/LC is needed in some cases, but I’m mystified what the poor woman is supposed to have done wrong.

Hmmm, I can see your point in some ways but disagree in others. It can feel like it's all passing in a bit of a blur and you want to savour the moments.
Both mine have been awful sleepers, I've never let a bad night impact the day. I just get out and about as normal and always felt better for it. If I did stay home with plans of resting/napping I could guarantee it wouldn't happen and it would be more frustrating. Also, both my babies were super easy, around the crawling stage it's physically hard work and constant, naps are less frequent etc, the days can feel long and a friendly face and adult conversation can make a big difference. Try not to make those that want to support feel pushed away. Before my first was born my MIL was always banging on about coming to take my newborn out, that was out of my comfort zone, plus she was BF so I didn't allow it, but always tried to meet or have her visit. I thought you were going to say something similar but personally I don't think your mum sounds like she is being too unreasonable from the info you have posted. Ultimately though, your mum so you get to decide what boundaries you feel confident with.

Also the bad days was when mum and mil more! I could ring either and they'd come and give me a break.

And learning to be a mum? My oldest is 13 and believe me I'm learning more now than I ever did then.

@romdowa

All you can do is to keep putting the boundaries in place and grey rock when she has her tantrum that things aren't going her way.

It doesn't sound like tantrums. It sounds like the grandmother saw the baby most days for the first 2 months then nothing for 3 weeks. All a bit strange. If we lived nearer to family then I'm sure we would see them once a week while the children are very young. It's a nice free outing, a change of scenery, for a start!

All this boundary setting crap is what is causing you problems. If you had just invited her over for coffee and to see the baby or called in for an hour she would have seen baby and you still would be in control. It sounds almost like you are using your dd to punish or show your mum you now have the upper hand.

I, like others, am finding the mentioning of 'boundaries' and 'taking time out to learn how to be a mum and understand dd's needs' a bit strange - almost as if you've read somewhere that this is what you are 'supposed' to be doing. Ditto the emphasis on your 'little family' . If it's your attempt to defend yourself from your overbearing mother, then fair enough, but I don't really get that sense. If I were your mother, I think I too would be puzzled and hurt that you'd had me around for 7 weeks and then suddenly banished me for a fortnight.

This is spot on, btw - 'And learning to be a mum? My oldest is 13 and believe me I'm learning more now than I ever did then.' I could have written that, swapping 16 for 13. There's not a great deal to 'understand' about their needs in the very early days - you respond to them. I think it would be helpful to you to consider what is actually going on for you - be honest with yourself if for whatever reason you just don't want your mother around, and be direct (diplomatically, if the situation warrants it - you don't say enough for us to get a real sense of the nature of your relationship) with her. But don't push her away out of a misguided sense of what 'learning to be a mum' means. This all sounds very rigid and a bit unnecessary, and I understand why some posters have asked if you are OK otherwise.