Mums who gave up good careers to be SAHMs

[poppymaewrite]

I’m thinking that I might want to do this in the future, as I would love to be a SAHM and home school my children.

But- I have a good job and graduated with a ‘good’ degree. I hate the idea of relying on a man, especially if things don’t work out/divorce. I won’t ever be able to afford to stay at home though otherwise.

I know that being a SAHM can be vilified, especially if you have good career prospects. But what are your experiences? Do you have any regrets? Any words of advice?

Hi,

I had a professional career. Decided to be a SAHM.
My reasons were mainly because of covid.
My baby was born a week befor the UKs first lockdown in 2020.
Therefore, the first year of my baby’s life was mostly spent in lockdown. I was an anxious FTM, worried to let anyone near my baby, no baby groups, nothing!
So I decided to stop work and spend time with family, go to groups, shops etc with my baby

Best decision ever. Missing out on the first year puts things into perspective. They are only your once!

Obviously, financially things are different for us but I couldn’t cope being at work with the hours I used to do.
I would like to return but I’m in no rush! I’d also be happier with a less stressful job.

Do what works for you.

Work is great for social and adult interaction too. However, you’ll have to weigh up working and if you would need childcare etc

DD is now fifteen. I've done a number of things since she was born, but mostly freelance, rarely full time.

I don't regret doing what I did BUT I am full of rage at the situation which society has put me in as a result. Where I live is full of over-qualified women doing underpaid jobs which work around their children.

I gave up a teaching career to become a sahm after having my oldest almost four years ago. For me at the time it was the best decision we could make. My husband works very long days which are shifts so never know if he's coming or going and we wanted some home life stability for our children. I'm now pregnant with my third and still a sahm

I'm not going to lie and say it's all sunshine and rainbows, because it's not. It is really hard and very lonely at times.

I'm lucky as dh and I have always shared all finances and everything we have is family money. It is hard to think I'm "relying on a man" but then he always reminds me that pre kids I was the one who worked and supported him when he was at university.

SAHM for 4 years until school age, yes. You can take a few years out and recover your career. SAHM for 18 years right through school - no. That’s too much of a sacrifice, will you even be entitled to a state pension after that?

I had no choice but to be a SAHM as I worked hospital shifts and my DH worked away, we had no family help.
I’m sorry that I missed out on pension, and as I head towards pension age I see how damaging this is.
I’m sad that I will never fulfill my potential now as I will never go back to being what I was when I finished work.
I was VERY lonely with DH working away a lot, and I had no friends where I lived. All the local mum’s went back to work.
I agree about over-qualified women doing jobs that work around their children.
My advice would be to get a part-time job and not stop working. I wouldn’t be a SAHM again.

Does it have to be all or nothing?

Try and keep your hand in if you can.
All sorts of reasons - pension, future prospects, and importantly (IMO) your partner won't have the excuse of you doing everything for the baby, and learning helplessness.

I stayed at home with DD, working 1-2 hours a day around her. I ramped things up when she was 2.5 (that wasn't the plan, just happened that way).

It was hard going, especially between ages 1 and 2 (when she started doing two mornings a week at a local nursery). Everyone else went back to work and my days felt very samey and monochrome. But I felt very happy to have the time with her, teach her things, give her all my attention, not feel rushed to collect or drop or whatever on busy weekdays. I'm now expecting again and plan to do the same.

I would say though that pre-DD I made sure I (not we, I) had enough savings and investments to keep money coming in and provide a safety net, and I felt that I'd always be able to re-enter my old career (law) at some level, even if one much lower than I'd left.

I do it. I went on mat leave and didn't come back, I'm now 3 years and another baby in to being a SAHM. I don't regret it for a single second, DH works long, often unpredictable hours, we have no family help and I am in no doubt that this is the most valuable use of my time right now. I don't think I'm wasting my education, I'm passing everything I know on to my kids who are thriving.

DH is very open about the fact he could never do what I do, he respects and values me and is really proud of our family. It's definitely right for us at the moment, but when both the children are at school I will look for paid work again, or maybe retrain. Even before kids I felt there was more to life than work, and seeing as DH's wage pays the bills and we are happy to live a simple life, I don't feel there's any rush.

@Remoteso

Does it have to be all or nothing?

Try and keep your hand in if you can.
All sorts of reasons - pension, future prospects, and importantly (IMO) your partner won't have the excuse of you doing everything for the baby, and learning helplessness.

Completely agree

My mum gave up a well respected and reasonably well paid, professional career to be a SAHM. Dad was in the forces and they had no local family. They could have afforded childcare, but it wasn’t always the ‘done thing’ back then.

She was the first person to tell me to dig deep for child care and go back to work (albeit part time). She had a change of heart after ~ 7 years as a SAHM, but by then it was too late to go back to her professional career - it had moved on too much without her and she was too entrenched with the day-to-day of having 3 kids. She worked as a school assistant and was far too qualified for it. Her and dad subsequently divorced, but thankfully completely amicably, otherwise finances would have been a massive stress as well. My dad definitely used her status as a reason to have very little to do with child rearing.

Just think carefully. Part time might be a best of both worlds option, to at least see how you feel about working with a child.

As long as child benefit is paid in your name, it counts towards State Pension weather you work or not. So that’s not an issue whoever pointed that out, but clearly something to be mindful of for any SAHM.

In terms of home schooling. I was very keen on this. I have a 4 year old who just started school. It became very apparent from about 18 months ago how difficult home schooling would be. This is partly because we have a tiny home school network round here. I think that school isn’t just about the ‘education’ in a traditional sense, but all the other life skills learnt. Stuff like socialising with many different children, adults, rules, socially acceptable behaviours, societal norms. Plus… my DS is just bloody exhausting. I love him to bits. He. Never. Stops. Talking. I just can’t engage him in the way he needs, I really can’t. I look back and laugh (and cringe) at the idea I was going to home school.

I loved being a SAHM when they were little and took around 8 years out. In that time I also gained a couple of degrees in the evenings ready for getting back out again. I don’t think I meant to do it, I didn’t have a plan but I knew I needed something other than the children. It meant I could start a career again, it’s amazing how quickly you can build one when you start.

They are small for a split second so it’s nice to be there if you can. But it’s important to remember you have the rest of your life too - what do you want for yourself?

It sounds like you don't have a child yet - you don't know how you'll feel about it till it happens. Some women think they want to stay at home but then hate the monotonous nature of 24/7 childcare and enjoy returning to work. Others think they'll go back to work and then really take to staying at home.

However: you'd need to either make sure you choose a very well off man, OR sacrifice a fair amount in terms of disposable income, holidays etc. to make it work. Most households need two incomes, unless they are very rich or very poor.

I did it but kept my contacts up. After four years as a SAHM, I went back in at the same level after an offer from a former colleague. It was a gamble but it paid off in my case.

Exactly what @wiltonism said upthread. The benefits to the children of having a parent at home have been enormous but at a cost to me...

I was a teacher and was a sahm for about 7 years - I really wanted to be at the time and it was lovely when the kids were very young and I had lots of other sahm friends but I do regret giving up my career prospects and my financial security. I don't think as a previous poster says it's society's fault as it was my choice and I could have worked part time.
I didn't want to go back to teaching after such a long gap as had lost my confidence and despite doing years of voluntary roles and training during my sahm jobs I felt virtually unemployable and ended up working in a pub when I was ready to go back to work and had to do some very specific voluntary training to get my foot in the door in the nhs,I'm now stuck at band three and have a place to do my nurse training next year but it does feel a bit like 'back to the drawing board' I think it's important to not spend too long away from work if you do think you'll want to return at some point

@AgnesNaismith

I loved being a SAHM when they were little and took around 8 years out. In that time I also gained a couple of degrees in the evenings ready for getting back out again. I don’t think I meant to do it, I didn’t have a plan but I knew I needed something other than the children. It meant I could start a career again, it’s amazing how quickly you can build one when you start.

They are small for a split second so it’s nice to be there if you can. But it’s important to remember you have the rest of your life too - what do you want for yourself?

But would it have been so amazingly quick had you not been doing degrees? I think doing two degrees is definitely working on top of being a sahm and would've helped you getting back to a career.

Well most people have degrees before children, I just spent that time catching up. My career is in a new field and it has been quick (6ish years).

I never thought my marriage would end. It did. Two children. Youngest 6. I’m glad I kept my career even though it was part time. My now ex H had no pension to share. Our only asset was a partly mortgaged house. Even with a 80% take of the equity I had to considerably downsize. My ExH salary is good. He has consistently paid mtnce. But its not enough to give me the life I have now that I was able to up my hours. I am so glad I never became a full time SAHP. Yet I was so close to doing it when they were babies.

Do you have kids Op? I thought exactly the same as you before I had them! Now really appreciate having adult time at work, to have proper conversations and a hot cup of coffee. I do part time, so get a nice balance.

Hi, I gave up a decent (not high flying) career to stay home. I don't regret it. I've gone back to work in another sector, that has worked out pretty well for me.

After I did a few years at home, we swapped and my dog did a few years at home.

Now we are both working again.

I'm really glad I did it, I've years left to work now the kids are bigger.

We are definitely poorer!

Haha, my DH, not my dog!

I gave up my senior position in teaching when pregnant with my third because I was growing to hate so many aspects of it, and I wanted to spend more time with my family. No regrets, but youngest is 2 and I want to think about doing something but I don't know what-I don't think it's teaching though. My husband is great, our money is family money.

@lannistunut

Haha, my DH, not my dog!

🤣🤣

I gave up a senior position when I got pregnant. I was ready to reluctantly be a sahm because both mine and dh’s hours were long and it just would’ve been too stressful.
I requested part time hours and was offered another role on a part time basis which I happily took.
I feel i was really lucky and had the best of both worlds - enough time at work and away from dc to make a difference to me and to our finances and enough time with my dc to do all those things I’d felt I’d be missing out on if I worked full time.
Dcs are older and I still work part time and happy to do so.