Mums who gave up good careers to be SAHMs

[poppymaewrite]

I’m thinking that I might want to do this in the future, as I would love to be a SAHM and home school my children.

But- I have a good job and graduated with a ‘good’ degree. I hate the idea of relying on a man, especially if things don’t work out/divorce. I won’t ever be able to afford to stay at home though otherwise.

I know that being a SAHM can be vilified, especially if you have good career prospects. But what are your experiences? Do you have any regrets? Any words of advice?

In just 20 years I have seen such a change at the school gates - far more men doing school run/sharing it. Childcare is always talked about in relation to the female (assume lower paid) of a couple when really it should be from both, to protect the female career.

My mum enjoyed being a SAHM when we were little, but by the time I started secondary school she was miserable and unfulfilled. She had lost her confidence and never went back to work properly, though she did do a few unskilled jobs for which she was significantly over qualified. She became deeply depressed when dsis and I left home and never really got over it. I think she had lost her sense of purpose and hadn't really built any sort of life for herself that didn't revolve around us.

As a result, both dsis and I have pursued our careers, encouraged by our mum. Our dc are nearly adults now and neither of us have any regrets at all.

Do whatever is right for you, but if you do decide to give up your career, make sure that you've got everything covered from a financial perspective (good life insurance, critical illness cover, an escape fund etc) and put some time aside from the outset to invest in yourself - if not career, then hobbies, interests, volunteering or whatever. Anything that gives you a clear sense of identity and purpose that isn't wrapped up in your family.

I feel ambivalent about being a SAHM. It is very important in the early days to remember that when you cost out childcare, you shouldn’t be thinking about how much you will bring in over the top of the full cost of childcare, but only half (ie your share). I rue making this mistake as I would probably have kept on going and I might have upped my hours again by now (although even thinking about it I baulk at the amount of stress I would now be under!)
Happiness at being a SAHM depends a lot on your circumstances. How easy or stressful is your job, to start with? Can you reduce your hours or function at 60% instead of needing to have all cylinders firing? (I couldn’t).
Because I elected to become the sahm, my job has morphed into managing all aspects of the house as well as the kids. Ie cooking, tidying, cleaning, putting out rubbish, all laundry, changing the beds, sorting out doctor’s appointments etc, taxiing kids around, school run, organising play dates, extra lessons, tuition, etc, car admin, holiday booking, etc. Well I fucking hate housework and so having full responsibility for it all has been horrible (no family help with children either). If anyone had asked me if I had wanted to be a full time housekeeper and nanny when I was in the throes of my career I would have laughed in their face! Along with the housekeeping and child responsibility (which is fine when the kids are doing well but can be a night mare if they have health issues or mental health issues etc) come issues of boredom/tedium and loss of identity although this can be mitigated with a clutch of good friends and time/money to pursue your interests. However it is horrible wishing you had time to do interesting things instead of spending long, long days busy doing menial jobs, wishing you still had nice clothes or could afford to go out for a good lunch without asking your husband for money (although this is far better than not being able to ask because there isn’t any money! I’ve been there too!) And it can be impossible to find guilt-free time to sit back with laundry piling up and the house disintegrating around your ears even though you know that your working day goes on into the evening to put the kids to bed before finishing hanging up the laundry, making packed lunches etc.
Still it is what it is. In fairness I gave up my relatively high flying career because I knew that I would be responsible for the lion’s share of the home stuff regardless of whether I was working or not because my husband doesn’t have capacity for any of it. (I doubt that anyone would give up their senior job if your husband doesn’t have at least as senior a role as you!) as well as obviously wanting to spend time with the kids.
Good luck with your decision. Like others I recommend continuing part time so that you can up your hours again as soon as you realise that being the homebody can take its toll. But at the same time it is a real privilege to get to spend time with the kids. Just make sure you get help in the home and teach the kids to offer you /make cups of tea early on so you don’t feel like you are constantly serving everyone all of the time. Or make sure you have a husband who is more helpful than mine can be! Or - which is what I did in the end - get as much housekeeping help etc as possible so you are not too busy managing house chores to enjoy your children.

Part time is the best of both worlds. As so many others have said, don't sacrifice your pension and long term prospects, and ensure you have some time to yourself by working part time.

Also it doesn't sound as if you have children yet (I haven't read the whole thread), but having young children is wonderful but oh so very hard. Do not underestimate it- it's very much not a joke when you hear people say that work days are their days off.

My DCs are teens now and I've done SAHM, PT and FT. I was in a profession before DD, returned PT and then SAHM for 3 years. Worked a few years in a new area of work when we moved countries and then took another 4 years as a SAHM.
Recently I've fallen on my feet somewhat as I have found a new career that is well paid and I love. It has taken alot of work to get to that point. But if I'd not found this new career I think I would have struggled having taken so long off since my original career , despite working in between. I think I'd advise DD to keep working if she can but having said that I don't regret being there for all the school drop offs, plays, sports days etc and not having the stress is work as well. But it was often lonely and monotonous as we moved alot and I never had many friends.

I was a SAHM for 12 years, returning to work when my youngest started reception. Dh and I were in our mid30s and earned well. Financially, it was not an issue. I had lost my first daughter when she was stillborn, and dh and I planned to move countries. We had no family support either. I had 4 surviving dcs, and two are autistic. Family life was hard for a long time trying to get diagnosis and support. I have now been back at work for 4 years in a completely different area. Not paid as much, but it is a very different area with a charity. I receive regular training and it is more inline with my degree. I don’t regret being a SAHM, I recognise the risk I run financially if my relationship breaks down. I came into the relationship with significant assets having owned my own house while single. I never expected that I would be a SAHM, but I never expected to lose a child or experience infertility or have disabled children - I guess sometimes you just don’t know how you will react in certain situations.

I was a teacher. I gave it up but I have been doing things to keep my skills up (and earn a bit of money along the way) I.e. tutoring, volunteering with children, being on the PTA
When my kids are older I will do some supply with a view to getting back into teaching.
I have no regrets so far, I earn enough through tutoring to pay for my luxuries, so I don't feel bad for going out for a coffee because I'm not spending my husband's money on that sort of thing. And I love spending time with the children. But I think I would be bored if I wasn't doing anything, I enjoy the bit of work and volunteering I do.

Becoming a SAHM is my only regret in life. I did it first to support a “husband career move” that took us abroad and put an end to my career.

Then stayed for DS who was born with health issues.

In total 4 years off the workforce. Was never able to rebuild my career to where it was as technology moves quickly so I was totally out of date by the time I was ready to go back to work.

I have plodded along in bad paid high stress jobs ever since. The relationship with my husband changed as I was no longer an equal and to be honest, with no career of my own I was no longer the woman he felt so proud off. Eventually we split and I was left to care for DS 24/7 on a bad salary. If I had put my career first, I would have been in a better position to support and provide for DS while he was growing up.

What makes the exercise even more futile is that DS has no recollection whatsoever of the years I was at home with him, he doesn’t remember the baking, the going to the park and activities.

I also found out that I was a better parent when I was working as the time we spent together it was sacred and magical, very special for the two of us, while when I was at home, the days merged into each other into an endless repetition of the previous day.

I agree with the poster who say they are young only for such short time doesn’t necessarily mean you need to spend every moment with them. The problem is they need you all the time only for a very short time. What are you going to do with yourself when they don’t need you?

There is also the working from home option that is now open to many. Both DH and I are remote now. That means the children don’t come home to an empty house even if you work full time.

School pick up stops by year 6 around here. Many younger children at my DC school are picked up by secondary siblings too. We already have stopped paying for holiday childcare since last year when I find actually they can play by themselves without DH or me. (Thanks to covid for discovering this).

What they want now costs a lot more money. Tablets, phones, game consoles.

Oh and yes they don’t remember any of holidays or day outs we have done when young either. The time spent really is for yourself, not the children.

And let’s face it, I don’t either. My memory of my mum when I was young and she stayed at home was not a good one at all. I preferred when she went to work when I was older. Home to myself to do what I wanted.

I'm a dental nurse so not the best paying job at all. I'm not going back after Mat leave. Gunna be a SAHM FTM. Nervous but excited!

I'm taking stat Mat leave not NHS so I don't have to go back to pay it back*

As long as child benefit is paid in your name, it counts towards State Pension weather you work or not.

Just remember this is only until your child is 12.

I'm torn on this one. I retrained, got offered a really good job, but DH's company kept relocating. I got sick of trying to pick myself up and start again. So when I was pregnant I quit. My mum was always working when I was young, I was passed round various relatives for holidays and used to try and hide ever being ill, as Mum would have to find someone to care for me. I was depressed at secondary school and would have loved it if there had been someone to come home to. So I did want to be able to spend more time with my own child.
But, that said, I've told DD to at least try to keep some part time hours if she ever has children. I don't regret the time I've had with her (in fact she has some health issues, so I'm grateful that I could be there for her). But DH was made redundant from the job that had dragged us round the country, we have a lot less now and I do wish I had something to fall back on to help us all out.

Part time is the best of both worlds.

It seems like it. But I think you have to establish your career at the level you want first. I know it's discrimination but part time workers are overlooked and undervalued by full time ones in the workplace. A young person working part time is unlikely to be offered the same opportunities that they might have been afforded working full time. So much is missed on their 'days off'. It may be possible to so an individual job well on part time hours, but to progress a career, less so.

This thread is gold. I hope all pregnant mumsnetters read it!

So different from my time years ago - we just didn’t talk about finances and careers to this level and so wish we had

@wiltonism

DD is now fifteen. I've done a number of things since she was born, but mostly freelance, rarely full time.

I don't regret doing what I did BUT I am full of rage at the situation which society has put me in as a result. Where I live is full of over-qualified women doing underpaid jobs which work around their children.

Absolutely this. I gave up work when my third DC was born. We had no family support and even then my DH earned 4 times what I did (I was well-paid, he's mega well-paid) so his career took priority. I stayed at home for 6 years and it was wonderful to be with the children, I loved every last minute of that. What I totally failed to take into account was what happens afterwards. My pension has suffered. It's been a battle of crappy jobs that I'm over qualified for and hugely underpaid. The bitterness and resentment at how my DH has sailed through his career is difficult to deal with - it's resentment at how things are structured rather than him, we did decide everything jointly to benefit the family. But the rage at how many intelligent, educated women are just sidelined into crap jobs because they are the only ones that can work around children! I'm shortly starting back in a decent, well-paid job that matches my qualifications, it's taken years. And I'll still be paid just less than I was when I left work 10+ years ago. Make sure you consider carefully what happens 10,15,20 years down the line

My kids are now 18, 16 and 13.

I am a teacher and I gave up to be a full time mum.
I have loved it, and don't regret it.
BUT when youngest was starting school, I began to get involved in things again. Some voluntary (school governor) and some paid. I started to work for a charity (volunteer) but in a professional role with families and kids.

I tutor too now and that is paid. My kids see me working, which matters to me.

I remember a conversation with my SIL who was in a similar position and getting back into work. She said a couple of things that really struck me.

1. many of her high flying high achieving friends had given up careers to be SAHM. Thye were mow massively over invested in their kids, helicopter parenting and seeing their kids achievements as extensions of themselves. Now, I am obviously not saying that everyone is like this, but her point was that she felt some of these women were channeling all their energy into the kids in a way which was actually quite unhelpful, and at times suffocating, and what were they going to do when kids grew up?
2. She has daughters and began to reflect on the message she was giving her daughters, and she wanted them to see their mother as a working woman with career and achievements of her own, and not only as mum.

So, yes I do think it is great for a while, but I don;t think I would want to be a SAHM for their whole lives.
that is a hard balance, as teenagers NEED parents around much more than we think. But they also need to see working women role models.
My mum worked. I am glad she did.

Part time is the best of both worlds

Whilst that may be the case if you’re able to leave bang on the end of your contracted hours, there is no out of hours work and it doesn’t impact on your opportunities for progression then possibly (although you do also have to have a partner who considers your employment to be equal and pulls his weight at home and in terms of prioritisation).

However in many professional careers it is absolutely not the case. Part time ends up being a fruitless attempt to be all things to all people.

You do pick up and drop off; all medical/dental appointments etc plus the drudge work at home. Work seeps into your days off (the subtext is “it’s just one meeting, we’re really struggling with availability”) and to top it off you don’t get opportunities because “oh Kathy’s part time, she won’t want to travel/join US calls/etc.

And then to add insult to injury you get paid less, despite pretty much doing FT hours.

You do pick up and drop off; all medical/dental appointments etc plus the drudge work at home. Work seeps into your days off (the subtext is “it’s just one meeting, we’re really struggling with availability”) and to top it off you don’t get opportunities because “oh Kathy’s part time, she won’t want to travel/join US calls/etc.

This just sounds like poor management to me. Stop saying yes to everything. Granted its harder if you have an unsuppprtive partner.

I did it. We worked in the same sector but dh was offered an international contract. We hashed out an agreement not unlike a prenup. It took ages, many weeks of exploring ideas and looking at "what ifs". Very sobering, and hard actually but those conversations are worth having BEFORE you make a decision. Not "is it good for the kids" but "what will it do to us"?

It puts a laser sharp light on what you are doing, the potiential for disaster, the compromise needed, the team work required.
No matter how much money there is or isn't, I think a deep dive into that is a good thing for both, and maybe actually more for the parent who will remain in the professional world.

Our financial management was key to my confidence. Everything was in both names, we made sure to have good insurance in place, credit record for me, pension for me, and very clear written agreement in the case of a split. Complete transparency. It was reassuring, and negotiated from a position of equality before I stopped working!

Now they are older and I would love to re enter the professional arena. As many have said above, my qualifications are no longer applicable and I am over 50. So I need to retrain/study while my meno brain is screaming "noooooo'. This is hard!

Being a sahm is a mixed bag. Very lonely at times, I missed the dynamic hustle and bustle of professional life. The judgement is insane, I truly have never experienced discrimination like it - jaw dropping. Also - invisibility! People say women become invisible at 50? I had my training being a sahm!
In our case it was good for the family but without doubt the main sacrifice was mine! Which is fine because it is recognized.

Hello,

I wish I could respond to everyone individually but unfortunately there are too many replies. Thank you to everyone who offered their views.

Yes, it’s right that I don’t have kids yet. It’s quite sensible to suggest that I might feel differently about it when I do have kids. I am the sort of person that does need a lot of stimulation, so might find being a SAHM doesn’t work for me.

With the sort of work I do, going part-time can work out, it would mean getting more routine work though. So something for me to bear in mind.

I feel the frustration of so many of you. I wish we weren’t tied down by either capitalism or in some cases both capitalism and patriarchy (men not stepping up at home/using the excuse of women not working to treat women like 24/7 maids/men putting women in the awkward position of having to ask for money).

I suspect I may well change my mind at some point in the future. It’ll probably be a good while before I make that decision (I need a husband first!). I will see how I feel about things later on in life.

If I ever manage to become super rich, I’ll be sure to let you all know.

I did it for just under eight years and would not advocate it, you could get divorced or your DP could die, always have independent means. My relationship with my DH has been strained as a result of being a SAHP.

My DH is a high earner and could not help with DC. It was fine when I had my maternity pay etc but gradually you become more dependent. He did not give me any money for months on end literally, came home grumpy to a cooked supper, immaculate house and two children in bed, it was great for him.Because of his earnings I was not eligible for any benefits. It was very stressful, I have no family here and felt trapped, he bought cases of wine and took us to top restaurants once a week but the rest of the time, I was scrimping and panicking that I could not afford to get the kids lunch.

My confidence ended up being very low, I literally did not even feel I could get a job as a cleaner. I got super depressed but eventually surprised myself and got a job in tech, it does not pay amazingly but it's better than nothing.

Put yourself first, keep up contributing to your pension, have savings, keep your hand in. Men tend to protect themselves first. The whole dream of women having it all is a lie, whatever you do you will probably feel bad and no matter what you will probably be the primary organiser and caregiver.

@TheWashingMachine

I did it for just under eight years and would not advocate it, you could get divorced or your DP could die, always have independent means. My relationship with my DH has been strained as a result of being a SAHP.

My DH is a high earner and could not help with DC. It was fine when I had my maternity pay etc but gradually you become more dependent. He did not give me any money for months on end literally, came home grumpy to a cooked supper, immaculate house and two children in bed, it was great for him.Because of his earnings I was not eligible for any benefits. It was very stressful, I have no family here and felt trapped, he bought cases of wine and took us to top restaurants once a week but the rest of the time, I was scrimping and panicking that I could not afford to get the kids lunch.

My confidence ended up being very low, I literally did not even feel I could get a job as a cleaner. I got super depressed but eventually surprised myself and got a job in tech, it does not pay amazingly but it's better than nothing.

Put yourself first, keep up contributing to your pension, have savings, keep your hand in. Men tend to protect themselves first. The whole dream of women having it all is a lie, whatever you do you will probably feel bad and no matter what you will probably be the primary organiser and caregiver.

So sorry, that’s awful. Men scare me. Never ever want to rely on a man. I was thinking that I could foster in the future. I would get financial assistance and would be able to stay at home, I think. Especially if I’m single. Really keen on fostering/adoption, although adoption may be out of reach as a SAHM. And there’s a huge demand for fostering arrangements.

So sorry, that’s awful. Men scare me. Never ever want to rely on a man. I was thinking that I could foster in the future. I would get financial assistance and would be able to stay at home, I think. Especially if I’m single. Really keen on fostering/adoption, although adoption may be out of reach as a SAHM. And there’s a huge demand for fostering arrangements

Fostering as a single person is hard unless you live in an area with very low cost housing. My friend is a teacher and would be an amazing foster parent - she won't have any children of her own but was looking to foster, however she couldn't because they said you wouldn't be able to reliably hold down a job while fostering, and the pay wasn't enough to cover the rent let alone get a mortgage for a 2 or more bed place. Each child needs their own room - which is right - but means that if you wanted to be able to foster 2 children you'd need a 3 bed place. You also need to have lots of things ready, and don't know what gaps there will be between kids. It is such a shame, as there must be loads of people out there like her, but it is hard.