Mums who gave up good careers to be SAHMs

[poppymaewrite]

I’m thinking that I might want to do this in the future, as I would love to be a SAHM and home school my children.

But- I have a good job and graduated with a ‘good’ degree. I hate the idea of relying on a man, especially if things don’t work out/divorce. I won’t ever be able to afford to stay at home though otherwise.

I know that being a SAHM can be vilified, especially if you have good career prospects. But what are your experiences? Do you have any regrets? Any words of advice?

I always assumed id be a SAHM but if I had gone down that road I think I would have ended up in a deep pit of PND.

Since having my son (hes 17mo) ive changed jobs and gone part time. I wouldnt like to work FT hours, but I also wouldnt like to be a SAHM.

Before I had kids I used to think I would want to take time out to be a SAHM but I never did and I have no regrets. Switched to new career (civil service) after second mat leave and work 75%. Husband works 80% so we don't need a huge amount of childcare, and both feel like we get a good amount of time to spend with the kids. We're also both on track for good pensions, and haven't damaged our career progression too much. Ours are still little (nearly 2 and nearly 4) and I do feel a bit torn in too many directions at times, it can be hard, there's a lot to fit in and we feel quite cash rich and time poor, but that should change as they get older and easier. I'm glad I haven't set myself back several years or taken myself out completely.

On paper I "gave up" teaching to be a sahm but really being a sahm was all I ever wanted. 3 years in and pregnant so about to do it all again. It's extremely hard and relentless but I absolutely love it and feel incredibly lucky.

Not a SAHM but I took the max amount of MAT leave for each child and have worked part time (3 days per week or Jobshare) since I had my 1st child 14 years ago.

I can highly recommend part time work as a way of keeping your work/ career going, being financially independent, your pension, interaction with other adults and interesting work and challenge. But at the same time having a decent amount of time to spend with the kids (and a bit of time for yourself when they go to school 🙌🏻)

Working part time was so helpful when DP got made unexpectedly redundant too - it meant at least we had some money coming in and I temporarily increased my hours for 6 months until he'd found another job.

I work in HR and unfortunately do see a lot of women who've taken a long time out of the workplace struggle to get a decent job when they want to return to paid work.

I stopped work as a lawyer after DC2 was born (only having returned for a few months between the two).

I returned after DC4 was born, having spent almost 10 years at home.

I was hugely lucky I was able to do that and it was through sheer luck that I was able to get restarted.

I’ve been very successful post DC and now as I look towards DC going off to uni I’m very grateful that I have my career. I needed more.

I was a SAHM for 8 years as I have two children with Sen. Both are very challenging and attend specialist schools. I work pt but it can range to FT. I’m honestly exhausted.

I think a decent part time job is probably the holy grail. I’ve done it all different ways, part, full, sahm and being a sahm is easier in every practical way, but can be harder emotionally in terms of the repetition, the way your world becomes smaller, how you can start to feel like just ‘X’s mum’, the uncomfortable feeling of being dependent on someone else for money. Wonderful in lots of ways of course. I can’t tell you how good it felt to get a pay slip after being a sahm for four years though.

After DC2 I went back part time but the nature of my industry meant that part time wasn’t really part time. I was cramming five days’ work into three and still fielding calls and emails on my day off. DH works long hours and his commute is 1.5 hours each way. All the pick ups and drop offs, bedtimes, appointments, sick days, fell to me. No family nearby to help.

Tried everything I could think of to change it and make things easier but ultimately I just needed to leave.

I’ve actually loved it. DH and I split all family money 50:50 and he pays into a pension for me. While I’ve been SAHM I’ve done a part time MA and retrained in a different career. I’ll be qualified just as my youngest starts school next September and then I can get back up and running again.

Even though I struggled with giving up the status of a high-flying career and ‘relying on a man’, DH and I found our groove and I’m very grateful I’ve had this time with the kids while they were small.

I’ve done both - worked full time in a senior position whilst dd was little and then became a sahm when I had Ds (10 year gap between them). By the time I had Ds I was done with working and didn’t want to do it anymore and was desperate to stay home so I don’t feel any regrets at all. I haven’t worked at all now for 13 years and will probably never work again, and that’s fine with me. (Mortgage paid off, now have chronic health conditions which mean I’m now on the highest rates of PIP indefinitely etc- when I gave up work my health was fine so this is something that’s happened since then and hasn’t influenced my decisions).

I think you have to listen to people who are many years into it (or out of it). I do know plenty who've loved it, especially with a rock solid marriage and a good financial foundation / family support, but often the challenges only appear over time.

I wanted to have more time at home, and loved my maternity leaves and 6 months as an SAHM... But my then-DH suddenly became very unwell and had to stop working, luckily I was only recently stopped and was able to get a reasonably paid and flexible job. Then when he ultimately moved out, I was thankful again.

If I won the lottery, I'd be an SAHM for a long time, and sort out the future when it comes. In reality, I'm so glad that I have work.

When people say 'your work won't love you back', or 'they're young for such a short time'... Well, my work has kept a roof over our heads, provided the private insurance that treated my and my son's long term health conditions when NHS waiting lists were enormous, not to mention life insurance and a pension. They are young for such a short time, and the bigger they get, the more they want and need, from outgrown shoes to instrument lessons and football clubs. I do miss my DCs when I'm at work, but appreciate the benefits of working more than I once did.

I had a civil service “career” in immigration law. Left it because of the commute (up to 6 hours a day) and the strain that put me under. Fell pregnant with my second DD (first was stillborn at full term and I moved from one civil service told that was very well paid because I couldn’t handle seeing my old life looking back at me).
My DD is seriously disabled (physically more than mentally but both - non verbal, can’t walk (yet). She’s 4 now and just started school. I’d worked for Macmillan while I was pregnant. I’d always planned on working after having a child.
I’m 46 now. I’ve loved having my daughter (despite the horror of medical dramas (she almost died twice) and a truly vile doctor sexually assaulting me (her doctor) and bring at home to care for her. But honestly I had no choice - no family/friends help. Babysitter not possible. Literally no respite until she could go to nursery after lockdown in November 2020.
I spent a lot of time being so severely bored and angry (doctor stuff) and I longed for work/adult company to alleviate the hideous PTSD symptoms.
I longed for her to talk.
I longed for her to play happily by herself.

I’m going on a lot but my experience taught me that there’s a certain common sense in maintaining some kind of link with work, no matter how you love the idea of x,y,z when you imagine your life at home with children.
That’s a bit bleak but I’d literally never imagine I’d be the self I am now, scared to even try for work once DD is stable in school. There’s no harm in planning but planning and life don’t always match up (even with perfectly healthy children and a solid marriage).

You have to talk about and make solid plans for if the marriage/relationship breaks down. Can you afford to step out of your career. What will be your loss of earnings. Can you work part time etc

I had mine 20 years ago and wish someone had said this to me.

I think it’s also important, given that you have specified “good career”, that such a career can afford you opportunities for large amounts of help in the form of nannies, cleaners, private schools with wrap around care, housekeepers and gardeners along with a good deal of add ons like regular meals out/takeaways and other services that smooth the path.

I was a management consultant. I went back full time after my first child, and was pregnant quite quickly with number 2. I became a SAHP after the second maternity leave. It was also Jan 2020 and tbh I think I would have broken having to work full time with no childcare.

I LOVE being at home with the kids. It's removed a huge layer of stress from our lives.

I have a great husband who doesn't take the piss. He's not a third child lol. He also makes sure I get time out without the kids every week.

I have savings that are just in my name. I'm registered for child benefit even though we don't claim it (pension is protected) we're married too.

I will go back to work at some point, but not sure when.

I think I have the absolute best of both world at the moment (granted it’s only been 2 weeks since I went back to work)
I work 4 mornings, my husband starts work 2 hours later than me so he is getting the kids ready for nursery/grandparents.

My job is 5 mins down the road and my pay is similar to DHs full time salary.
I’m home by 1pm everyday so can pick up both kids and still have an afternoon with them.

I would love to stay at home but wouldn’t be financially viable for us and I’m sure I’ll be glad in the long run that I have kept my hands in

I was a lawyer in the City. I enjoyed it and was really good at it, but I resigned at the end of my maternity leave. DS is almost 20 months now.

Hardest 20 months of my life, for oh so many reasons. But no regrets! Even all day every day with my son is not enough time for me.

My husband died in his early 40s. Completely unexpectedly.
I thank my lucky stars every day I didn't stop working when the kids were tiny. If I had, we'd be completely screwed now.

If you do decide to be a SAHM make sure you've got all the legal stuff in place too, wills, life assurance etc. Same as divorce, you never think it'll happen to you...

I don't think sahm are vilified at all!

I had a good professional career, went part time, eventually gave it up. Am now studying part time online for a different degree to career change when I do go back to work.

But I don't think most people are 'sahm' or 'working mothers'. People nowadays do all different things through their lives. They take years out, they set up businesses, they have different jobs.....it's unusual to do the same job all your life.

I don't define myself by what I happen to be doing for the few years when I'm not in paid employment.

@Candleabra

My husband died in his early 40s. Completely unexpectedly. I thank my lucky stars every day I didn't stop working when the kids were tiny. If I had, we'd be completely screwed now.

If you do decide to be a SAHM make sure you've got all the legal stuff in place too, wills, life assurance etc. Same as divorce, you never think it'll happen to you...

Exactly this. And so many posters coming on saying it's the 'best thing they've ever done'... But at least three are home with one child under 2 years old, at that point you're not even a year out of a standard maternity leave.

I'd still love to be an SAHM and do know people who, 20 years down the line, are still glad they did it. However as time passes I also know that a higher and higher percentage regret it to at least some extent, and wish they'd kept at least a toe in the workforce. It's not easy to get back into the workforce and many people, like you and I, get sudden unexpected life changes that mean you need to earn. Home ed is still wonderful for some families, but please do make sure you have a good backup plan, you are contributing NI/ claiming child benefit, you and your DH both have life insurance, he has income insurance too and you have good savings (or very reliable family.money).

Wait and see how mat leave goes. I could not wait to get back to work and talk to people I didn't live with. Part time is usually best of both worlds.

As for home schooling, I knew it wasn't for me before COVID but now I know for sure 200% I could not do it. I think the Unmumsy Mum has written something about not being the mum she thought she would be - this is me, for sure. I am completely different to what I thought I would be!

I gave up a good job in banking but I owned a flat and kept it as a rental. So I have my own income and property. Make sure you have something, otherwise the power imbalance (even if it’s in your head) can not be fun. It’s great and the kids thrive but make sure you get time for hobbies or time out.

@lannistunut

Haha, my DH, not my dog!

I immediately thought of nana in Peter Pan

I was worried I'd get reported for leaving the kids with a dog @Abracadabra12345 !

I gave up my job for about 5 years following redundancy.

I’ve been lucky to get back into a decent (unrelated) field, and 3 years on am back on my old salary.

The only thing i regret is not paying into a private pension over that time. If there’s one thing you do it’s only give up work if you can factor in continued payments into your pension as well as his.