Mums who gave up good careers to be SAHMs

[poppymaewrite]

I’m thinking that I might want to do this in the future, as I would love to be a SAHM and home school my children.

But- I have a good job and graduated with a ‘good’ degree. I hate the idea of relying on a man, especially if things don’t work out/divorce. I won’t ever be able to afford to stay at home though otherwise.

I know that being a SAHM can be vilified, especially if you have good career prospects. But what are your experiences? Do you have any regrets? Any words of advice?

Well, if you have no husband/partner, the question of being a SAHM is a moot point isn’t it? How are you going to provide for them if you are not working?

Raising a child in what was lone parent support alone is dire not the kind of nice freeloader plush life the Tories are making people believe single parents live.

And honestly, if you hate men. Do you think you can raise a child with a good grounding for them to develop healthy relationships? What happens if you end up with a son? would you be able to raise him without your hate for men colouring their upbringing?

Fostering doesn’t pay as much as people think. It covers the basics and not being allowed to work it keeps you on a low income.

@TheWashingMachine

I did it for just under eight years and would not advocate it, you could get divorced or your DP could die, always have independent means. My relationship with my DH has been strained as a result of being a SAHP.

My DH is a high earner and could not help with DC. It was fine when I had my maternity pay etc but gradually you become more dependent. He did not give me any money for months on end literally, came home grumpy to a cooked supper, immaculate house and two children in bed, it was great for him.Because of his earnings I was not eligible for any benefits. It was very stressful, I have no family here and felt trapped, he bought cases of wine and took us to top restaurants once a week but the rest of the time, I was scrimping and panicking that I could not afford to get the kids lunch.

My confidence ended up being very low, I literally did not even feel I could get a job as a cleaner. I got super depressed but eventually surprised myself and got a job in tech, it does not pay amazingly but it's better than nothing.

Put yourself first, keep up contributing to your pension, have savings, keep your hand in. Men tend to protect themselves first. The whole dream of women having it all is a lie, whatever you do you will probably feel bad and no matter what you will probably be the primary organiser and caregiver.

I hate to hear that WashingMachine. I hate that this man chose to do this to you. I hope you are ok. I agree totally that women cannot have it all at the same time and we need much more of that chat on the table.

How would you afford to be a SAHM if you're single? Surely you'd have to work? Unless you're very lucky

I was lucky to have a choice. I chose to be a SAHM as it was massively important to me.

My son is now just in reception and I will be having a look and deciding where I want to be. I know I don't want to go back to my long hours and days, but I have loved being at home with him and spending that quality time with him, for me I would not give that time up for all the money in the world, those times are priceless to us. I decided the benefits and joy of that time together far outweigh the risks.

@thinkbiglittleone

I was lucky to have a choice. I chose to be a SAHM as it was massively important to me.

My son is now just in reception and I will be having a look and deciding where I want to be. I know I don't want to go back to my long hours and days, but I have loved being at home with him and spending that quality time with him, for me I would not give that time up for all the money in the world, those times are priceless to us. I decided the benefits and joy of that time together far outweigh the risks.

Sounds lovely but, you were only able to do that because another adult has taken on the financial responsibility. So if you did not have all the money in the world you could not have done it.

@Candleabra

Part time is the best of both worlds.

It seems like it. But I think you have to establish your career at the level you want first. I know it's discrimination but part time workers are overlooked and undervalued by full time ones in the workplace. A young person working part time is unlikely to be offered the same opportunities that they might have been afforded working full time. So much is missed on their 'days off'. It may be possible to so an individual job well on part time hours, but to progress a career, less so.

Agree with this to some extent but personally, part time allows me to keep my hand in the profession. While my children are young, I am not currently seeking promotion and so part time work allows me to keep up with changes, people know who I am (and many know my capabilities from my performance pre-children). When I am ready to commit further, I will be more present and then apply for promotions with the hope of progressing. There is some discrimination but it equally is unrealistic to be expecting the same opportunities as someone who is there upto double the amount of time.

@thinkbiglittleone

I was lucky to have a choice. I chose to be a SAHM as it was massively important to me.

My son is now just in reception and I will be having a look and deciding where I want to be. I know I don't want to go back to my long hours and days, but I have loved being at home with him and spending that quality time with him, for me I would not give that time up for all the money in the world, those times are priceless to us. I decided the benefits and joy of that time together far outweigh the risks.

All the unmixed positive posts on here seem to follow a trend, which is someone with 1 child and who hasn't actually been an SAHM after starting school.

It often seems like you can go back once kids are in school, but it's hard. School hours aren't actually all that much or the day or the year, if the status quo has become you being responsible for everything and school hour jobs are very under-paid and nevertheless like gold dust to find. Then there are part time jobs, but you need to find childcare, and your DH isn't used to factoring in pickup, and other people don't have a 5 year CV gap.. then suddenly you're pregnant again and it's all a bit hard.

Long term SAHM can still work really well for quite a few people. But even those I know who would absolutely do the same over again, still see some big tradeoffs, it's good to acknowledge them up front.

Fostering I would say is very different to how most people would consider a sahm
For a start you're technically employed to care for a child which is very different to being a sahm
You are likely to care for children who are suffering from trauma and or have additional needs
The challenges of fostering are very different to being a sahm
Most sahp are supported by a partner
I would think there are many transferable skills you would gain fro m fostering for a future career but I think it would be very challenging especially as a single parent

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I don’t think it’s poor management. Picking up the lions share of the domestic drudge work is the inevitable consequence of being more physically available to do it.

In terms of work bleeding into non working hours most professional careers involve working outside of your contracted hours no matter how organised you are. If you’ve never experienced that you’re extremely fortunate.

*I was lucky to have a choice. I chose to be a SAHM as it was massively important to me.

My son is now just in reception and I will be having a look and deciding where I want to be. I know I don't want to go back to my long hours and days, but I have loved being at home with him and spending that quality time with him, for me I would not give that time up for all the money in the world, those times are priceless to us. I decided the benefits and joy of that time together far outweigh the risksI*

Out of interest, did you ask your partner whether he wanted any of those benefits and joy, and might have wanted to spend that quality time with his son? If he had wanted to, would you have sacrificed some of that priceless time so you could both go pt, for example, and share that joy?

There are many reasons for being a sahp, but the fathers feelings never seem to be accounted for.

Getting back into my profession was really hard after being a SAHM (which was the right decision for the DC and us as a family at there time), and one of the most demoralising aspect of child rearing for me. There are no easy answers in all of this but difficulties in returning to a career post-children is a big consideration.

@poppymaewrite PENSION! You sit down and have an open and frank conversation about the long term financial implications of being a SAHP. You insist, as a bare minimum, that half the pension payments go into a separate private pension for you.
No one thinks it will happen to them, but divorce 20plus years down the line will leave you in a financially precarious situation and facing an uncertain old age. I know nothing is further from your mind right now but please do your research and look at the statistics on women and finance after later life divorce when they have opted out of their career to be the SAHP.

I came out of teaching to be a SAHM and later when dc were settled in school slipped back in no problem. I bought back my pension years that l had missed which turned out to be a good decision. It was fantastic for me to have a career l could go back to as l had no desire to be home forever. I can't say it made my children any better or worse but my dh was in health care with weekend work so we would never had time together as a family if l had worked full time.

I was a sahm until youngest was 3.5 years old. I dont regret it at all. Loved it. But definitely couldn't have carried o when they were in school-seriouly that's a bit lazy. I went back to my career and love it. I did worry and lose confidence as sahm and thought I'd never get back into my job. I was very lucky.
My advice, don't miss the young years but have a plan,self esteem can suffer. Do what works for your family though. Relying on dh is quite strange but worked for us.

Out of my SAHM friends (and I had a few because my kids are older so it was cheaper to live as we had already benefitted from the house price increase that meant most new families needed two incomes) we are largely a cautionary tale but for a range of reasons. One, of course, shagged they you get woman at work and ran off. The guilt went pretty quickly and he protected assets where he could, lied and left his ex very badly off in comparison. One, an nhs consultant, became an emotional abuser or wife and kids. She moved out and the court process eventually validated her in judgements and £. It was brutal though. She stayed for years longer because she had nothing. One husband died after being ill with cancer so partner had to return to work after returning during his illness. I was out for 13 years but returned and was always SE. We had no issues with sharing money or roles but my husband became very unwell. It’s not clear if he will work again. I was able to go back in at my old level and have done well since but have seen others in the same job who only got employment after taking £25000 payouts that they will never recover. My SE was worth more than I earned at the time.

I loved being a SAHM but I wish I'd gone back after a few years PT to keep my hand in. But with several DC close in age, and DH commuting to a long-hours stressful job, I just couldn't see how to do it - and at the time I wasn't bothered anyway, I was enjoying our DC and up to my neck in school runs, laundry, after-school clubs, catering for the masses.

It's only in retrospect that I think I should have spaced the DC out more and kept going PT at my job, to reduce the financial pressure on DH a bit (though he wanted the DC close in age...). As it is, I am stupidly overqualified (and underpaid!) for the job I do, but I love it (far more than I enjoyed my brief career) and feel it's important and socially useful.

Doesn't answer the original question but there are some hidden assumptions in some posts.i really agree with the poster who said to go through it all in advance and hash it out explicitly.
My point is that although I realise finances are super tight for many people, but for those who are comfortably enough off, given how important and valuable raising your kids is, who earns more should not be a consideration for who becomes part time or stay at home.
As a father who earned a lot more, we both dropped to part time and both get to spend time with our child. Yes we could have maximised the income in the short term and sacrificed all our relationships with each other, but the cost of the family happiness could never match the lost income.
Moving forward 10 years we will hopefully not have damaged any of our relationships beyond repair and we may be living in lower circumstances, had cheap holidays, cheap cars, not replaced the kitchen, etc than otherwise but i think we're all happy with that as we will get things money can't buy.
Whatever your choice though, all the best, as it's a personal choice in the end.

I dunno, there isn't a perfect solution.

I had my first child, went back PT, had two more dc and worked PT for a total of 10 years.

However, two dc have a range of disabilities which require a huge amount of appointments and it became impossible to get childcare for middle dc.

I got bullied out of my job by my female manager and have been a SAHM/Carer for the last three years.

Sometimes the decision gets made for you.

[quote PegasusReturns]@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I don’t think it’s poor management. Picking up the lions share of the domestic drudge work is the inevitable consequence of being more physically available to do it.

In terms of work bleeding into non working hours most professional careers involve working outside of your contracted hours no matter how organised you are. If you’ve never experienced that you’re extremely fortunate.[/quote]
Ive always just said no. It probably annoys some, but im ok with that.

It depends on what is important for you, what makes you happy and how career minded youare. Before kids I had a fantastic career, well up the ladder to the pinnacle of corporate success. My identity was of my making. After kids many people - and especially the new social circle you will meet - identify women as "the kids' mum" and "the husband's wife". It is as if your achievements are linked to someone else. It's a big ego bashing that I spent a very long time coming to terms with. Going back to work afterwards is very difficult - the perceptions and discrimination is real. That said, my kids are incredibly grateful that I was able to spend their formative years with them, and my husband has always been supportive of whatever direction I wanted to take. It is not an easy decision to make.

I did it.

I had a well paid career in finance (not mega mega bucks but higher rate taxpayer). I stopped working five years ago and have two small children.

I don't have any regrets. However I'm financially secure. I'm married, we own our house and are still able to overpay the mortgage and save (and we have savings in both of our names individually and jointly). We have no debt other than a mortgage. DH earns really well (far exceeding what I earned and since I stopped working he had almost 'made up' for the loss of my salary in his pay rises), we still pay into a pension for me and we have income protection insurance. So we don't have money worries and we bought a family sized home before we had them, so we don't need to worry about space or moving.

Totally get judged all of the time for 'living off of my DH' but tbh I've got a thick skin these days and I don't care what other people think. I've been able to be around to be with my children every day of their lives and I love that. They both went to preschool for their 15 hours when they turned 3 and were funded so they still got socialisation with other children and I took them to (ugh!) toddler groups too.

I will never go back to my old job. One, I'm out of date now, and would need to retrain to an extent anyway. Two because it was dull and I didn't enjoy it I only stuck at it because it paid well and meant I could save hard. Once both of mine are at school full time (only one is atm other one is still little) then I will probably do some part time work around their school hours but I'm in no rush.

There's been no real downside for me. I still see my friends, I'm not lonely, I have equal free time with my DH for doing my own thing. I volunteer a few hours a week which I enjoy.

It is hard when they're tiny especially if you have two who are both little. One of mine has additional needs and that made/makes things tough. Quite relentless in all honesty especially when they go through non sleeping stages, teething, illnesses etc. But I'm glad I've been able to do it all myself. DH is a great Dad, which helps because I've always been able to say 'take the baby, I'm off out for a couple of hours' at the weekends without worrying.

It's not for everyone! It depends on what you enjoy I think. There's nothing wrong with preferring to work either, some people find a better balance doing that. I definitely feel like I'm in the minority, in our friendship groups anyway.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

You do pick up and drop off; all medical/dental appointments etc plus the drudge work at home. Work seeps into your days off (the subtext is “it’s just one meeting, we’re really struggling with availability”) and to top it off you don’t get opportunities because “oh Kathy’s part time, she won’t want to travel/join US calls/etc.

This just sounds like poor management to me. Stop saying yes to everything. Granted its harder if you have an unsuppprtive partner.

That's right, it's all down to the individual women. Millions of them, all too poor at time management to just lean in and lean out at precisely the right times.

If we put this on the individual, instead of recognising and trying to fix systemic and cultural issues with how we value women's time Vs men's, or how we model relationships to our daughters, or giving non-transferable paternity leave, or providing better support to childcare for women on low to mid incomes who otherwise can't afford to work, or even the little stuff like asking schools to maybe consider just 1 week in 4 to try ringing the dad first for any child who is unwell or needs parental input.. then this issue will remain.

Oh be quiet. Its a bit of both isnt it. Women are perfectly able to say no and take control.

Plenty of people will say yes both parents can work full time. Plenty have no choice. But primary-school-aged children in longterm full time wrap around care are not as happy as those who aren't. Sorry but I now have 15 years of personal evidence of this. They can often be quite seeking of attention and a bit full on. They get less downtime having to go straight to breakfast club and afterschool. Exhaustion really is perhaps what it is. The exception is if the parents have a lot of additional support in form of other consistent adults like grandparents. I'm not judging people though as most are doing this because no choice financially. So for that reason I don't regret being part time for my kids. Its allowed them to have some days at clubs and some at home.
But being total SAHP? This destroys your career. Do you really want that? I know many women in this situation. When my kids started school I took 10 years away and throughout continued working in lower paid but similar industry. I now can't get promoted back up to where I was. Been trying for several years. My salary is only one 3rd of what it was 10 years ago. I've made about 8k of pension contributions while DH has made 70k. We are separated now. I have been told I will likely get share of pensions BUT it is so unlikely I'll ever get my earning potential back and its another 17 years until I retire. So that's even more lost. I don't regret being there for my DC but I am angry that employers won't touch me because I've been part time and lower paid/junior for 10 years (in same industry 2 different jobs). I can't even get interviews. My job is also boring and mentally understimulating. Which was great when I had a toddler but not now. Not angry about my lost career as such but angry at a world of recruiters so short sighted. Its ageist and sexist. When you get to the end of your SAHP period you'll be likely around 50 and no one wants to hire you. Then you will feel disatisfied. Knowing I was there for my dc is great, but will it keep a roof over my head and afford a decent retirement? I wouldn't rely on a DH. 50% of relationships end.
Regarding home ed. I know several people doing this. You do need to have a partner supporting you well to even afford it. Most people are either falling back on some independent wealth, a partner with a big job or they're scraping by and doing it because their DC struggled in school due to SEN (so not a lifestyle choice as such).

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I’m interested to know what sort of job you have.

I’d imagine there are very few good careers where it’s possible to progress if you always say no to working outside your contracted hours.

The only friend I can think of who doesn’t have that issue is a pilot and that’s because of course she doesn’t get asked.