To think I screwed DD over before she was even born

[Nc4post99]

DD is 23 months. Developmentally on track and beyond cherished.

DH and I were told we’d never conceive naturally so when we did it felt miraculous and so high stakes. I began to feel exceptionally anxious, referred myself for counselling (that was a whole saga but I got refused because I was pregnant so was unable to get help). Then came the medical blunders, bleeding x 2 was told it was miscarriage, dating scan advised medical termination for DS, hydrops and heart failure (total blunder but all normal), then at anatomy scan small head yet another fetal med referral (again blunder) but long story short I was a borderline basket case,
No appetite due to constant worry, trouble sleeping and just extremely anxious with regular panic attacks. Then came the news she was small, we got given all the worst case scenarios and that just topped me off with worrying. She was born healthy but small, no placental failure or FGR or infections or genetic issues, it must have been my anxiety, apparently that can be linked to low birth weight. 5lb at 37 weeks.

Since 6 months she’s ‘caught up’ to between 9/25 for height and weight. But she just had her 2 year check at nearly 23 months and her height has fallen to around the 5th centile (outside of mid parental range) weight and head in her sweet spot (9/25). She’ll have more tests but it’s unlikely they can help her, i basically screwed her over from pregnancy.

I know I’m lucky she’s healthy other wise and there are worse things in life than being petite but I feel so goddamn guilty that I’ve hindered her in this way. I’m 160cm (25th centile I believe) so I’m not a giant but it breaks my heart that she’s going to have to deal with the constant ‘she’s so small’ comments or potentially be bullied for her height and it’s all my f’ing fault. If only I’d sorted my shit out and stopped worrying excessively. I just feel so so guilty and like the worst f’ing mother ever, failing her before she was even born.

How could you make her bigger? Babies just are the size they are, unless you're not feeding her. I under 5 foot and have never been bullied, it's really not an issue

It’s not all you’re fault, some people are just shorter than others. My daughters (twins) were born at 36 weeks with inter uterine growth restriction. They were tiny and still are. They’re about to start school and are in age 2-3 clothes but they’re perfect. Please be kinder to yourself x

I've always loved being short, 5ft 1inches, and have never been bullied, and in fact probably got away with a lot because I was "cute" - as does my short 10 year old who everyone things is a teeny angel but is most definitely not!. Short is not bad. Honestly it's probably too early to tell, my four have all massively changed where they are on that graph over the years anyway!

@Findahouse21

How could you make her bigger? Babies just are the size they are, unless you're not feeding her. I under 5 foot and have never been bullied, it's really not an issue

I can’t now. She eats lovely. Because she was small for gestational age, they have to grow ‘faster’ than the average to achieve whats termed catch up growth to mid parental height range. Her mid parental height range is between 9th and 91st centile, outside of that is unusual, she is now outside of that range. SGA infant typically catch up by 2 or else it’s unlikely they will. She had but her growth velocity has slowed down, which is concerning. If her mid parental height was say from 2nd centile to 75th then we wouldn’t be concerned but genetically it’s unlikely she was meant to be this small. Hence the guilt. Anxiety and depression are clinically linked to low birth weight.

Remember centiles are only a way of expressing a child's height relative to average. For there to be an average there have to be children that are bigger and smaller than average. The fact they are tracking similar height to weight and head I believe is a good thing. My son was I think 11th percentile for height 20 for weight, paediatrician said, he's just small but in proportion. Is now a normal height teen but don't think he'll ever be tall. I'm under 5 foot, smaller in all school photos etc and it never bothered me! Please be kind to yourself and maybe talk this through with someone in real life

Sorry, ivm not sure how to quote but saying 'she's not meant to be this small' by considering the height of jsut parents is a bit of a red herring in my opinion, both my dc have aspects of appearance that they clearly get from people other than me or dh and I love that I can see others in her.

I really think that you need to think about wherr this is coming from in regards to your own views/thoughts/feelings and maybeook at addressing those however you think best, with medical support if needed, before your dd becomes aware because that might be quite hard for her to know that you're worried about how she looks

To be honest I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

You don’t know why she is small. It could be a genetic fluke, or some sort of infection in pregnancy that was never tested for, or anything. No-one will ever know, and it’s too late to change now anyway.

I think your brooding about it now is more likely to mess her up - how can you be the best parent you can be if you’re so miserable and preoccupied?

I think you should get some help now for your low mood and anxiety, otherwise you could cause her a lot more emotional harm over the years than her height will. Be kind to yourself, and let what’s done go.

I'm 5ft8 and DH is taller. DD was over 9lb at birth. She has settled on the 25 percentile for height. My mother and MIL are both significantly shorter than me, so probably where DD gets her height from, whereas my maternal grandmother was born in the 1920s and was 5ft10 (so very tall for her generation) so presumably where I got my height genes from. Genetics are complex and some things skip generations.

So long as your DD follows a reasonably steady trajectory on the growth charts and eats will then she will just be perfectly small.

She is perfectly healthy, just short. It isn't a disability, it's short. Many of us are. For whatever reason. It's rather insulting that you think of this as such a negative. You do know short people live full, happy lives right?

Are you just finding things to worry about?
Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety?

I don’t even know how tall my son is, I mean he looks like he’s grown and he can reach stuff I put on the counter now🤷🏽‍♀️.

My dd is small always has been but she is still growing at 21 her brother (who i had the most stressful pregnancy with) is almost as tall as us so stress doesn't always equal smallness and the small can catch up in the end

One of my dc started school in age 2 trousers. He's now 15 and almost 6ft. Considerably taller than me.
There's nothing wrong with being short, but she's not definitely going to be.

You didn’t make her small by worrying! You are what 5 foot 3 that’s standard female size. She likely just follow your height. Everyone is different.

Blaming the mother’s anxiety for a small baby is just ridiculous. Babies are little parasites who take what they need from your body. I had hyperemesis and lost weight while pregnant. I was also a nervous wreck. Dd was born weighing over 8 pounds.

During your child’s life you are going to make real mistakes as a parent. You should save the mommy guilt for those actual errors. When you do make them, try not to beat yourself up to much. We all make them and we all wallow in guilt over them.

Being a mom is hard. Don’t make it harder on yourself than it needs to be

The 5th centile is only just below the 9th. No one can accurately predict the height of a child when they are born, or even based on parental height. This may have been the size she was supposed to be.

Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety?

Why do you think people of short stature live less meaningful life’s than those taller?

I mean this kindly but you need to ‘ get over it’ seek therapy if necessary as you risk projecting this fear of her being short to her as she is older.

She may yet surprise you. I had twins at 30 weeks, DD was just 2lb13. Both were 9th centile for years and i sized down in clothes for what felt like forever.
At some point they shot up. Now DS’s feet are only one size behind me (he’s age 9) and they both eat me out if house and home. It is so ingrained in me that they are ‘small’ I constantly still buy clothes too small for them and have to exchange to size up. I should buy age 11 now…
Treat her like a plant you want to grow - or a Labrador - lots of healthy food and as much sunshine abs exercise and fresh air as she (and you) can take. I now have two athletic types who are on the taller side among their peers, though DD is still fine boned with not a scrap of spare on her.

@Sleepinghyena

She is perfectly healthy, just short. It isn't a disability, it's short. Many of us are. For whatever reason. It's rather insulting that you think of this as such a negative. You do know short people live full, happy lives right?

That’s completely misinterpreting what I meant, I’m small too, 5’3. It’s more she will have to go through a lot more tests to see if there is a reason as to why. I feel guilty for causing her poor growth in utero, our fetal med consultant said it was most likely due to her being naturally petite like me and then growth hampered by my anxiety and depression in pregnancy

Both MIL and FIL are short (MIL 5 ft max I think and FIL not much taller than me so 5,5ish) DH is 6ft and towers over his parents.
Kids don’t always follow thier.
As long as she is eating and growing even if slowly then that’s fine. Some people are just tiny. Kylie minogue is tiny and she’s done alright for herself!!

Oh and DD was noted as possible IUGR abs I was told she’d always be small.
I genuinely think she just spent time growing her brain (and attitude) before she bothered growing the rest of her 😂

You seem to have had lots of medical history in pregnancy, all very stressful and not your fault. It might be worth looking at CBT techniques to help you with looking forward and enjoying what you have now.
I remember worrying about things that never became problems. For mine it was the dc’s weight, I worried it was too low. My dc are actually fine.
Enjoy your dd!

Do they really test and worry about height in toddlers? In my area they don’t even measure/plot height at birth or any other time. Only weight! My DD has literally never been measured in her life. I’ve no idea is she’s tall short or average apart from looking at others!

I'm 4ft 10. I was born at term and was 4lbs. In nicu for 2 weeks.
Yes I'm little (mum is only 5ft and dad is 5ft 10). I'm now 43, a professional, married, mum of 3.
I don't resent my height. I'm a bit pissed off that my dad passed on the BRCA2 gene which meant I developed breast cancer at 36, but hey, he didn't know and it wasn't his fault.
Also 2/3 of my beloved DCs are neurodiverse. That's probably genetic too.
So kindly, please don't stress.

Hello @Nc4post99 - I can really understand what you're saying and want to advise you as others have to seek some support - not for your girl who sounds perfect to me but for yourself. I had two very difficult pregnancies myself and also developed severe anxiety that persisted for months after the birth and reared its ugly head a couple of times after. My GP was fab and referred me for counselling on the NHS through the Maudsley, all online because this was during lockdown and I was diagnosed with something called health anxiety by proxy which is sort of just what it sounds - worrying about someone else's health in an irrational or disproportionate way. It's not at all uncommon for parents to have this with their kids and I definitely got sucked into all the "research" online about the impact that a pregnant woman's anxiety can have on their baby and convinced myself I'd harmed my daughter's development. I had 8 sessions of CBT and learnt some really effective techniques for reframing my anxious thoughts and realising a lot of my behaviours such as looking things up online, posting online seeking reassurance like you have here understandably were actually making the anxiety worse because it was convincing my brain there was a problem to solve when there wasn't. The research on the impact of anxiety is so speculative and you only have to consider all the healthy, bonny babies born in war zones and such like to realise - when you're calm and not in the mind set I think you might be now - that IF there is any impact it's going to be slight and it's going to be rare - if any at all.

Finally - just to be hypocritical and reassure you when I've said you should avoid reassurance - I am a teacher and there's plenty of very small teenagers I can think of, those in the sixth form very possibly now at their full height, and thinking about it now every single one I can bring to mind is happy, has friends - honestly not sure where the being small holding you back thing has come from :)
Please see if GP can refer you for CBT or whatever they advise - you deserve to get rid of these irrational, unhelpful and unhappy worries.

@Yogamummy23

Do they really test and worry about height in toddlers? In my area they don’t even measure/plot height at birth or any other time. Only weight! My DD has literally never been measured in her life. I’ve no idea is she’s tall short or average apart from looking at others!

They do if they have concerns about their growth especially if they are IUGR or SGA- early intervention in childhood is key!