DD is 23 months. Developmentally on track and beyond cherished.
DH and I were told we’d never conceive naturally so when we did it felt miraculous and so high stakes. I began to feel exceptionally anxious, referred myself for counselling (that was a whole saga but I got refused because I was pregnant so was unable to get help). Then came the medical blunders, bleeding x 2 was told it was miscarriage, dating scan advised medical termination for DS, hydrops and heart failure (total blunder but all normal), then at anatomy scan small head yet another fetal med referral (again blunder) but long story short I was a borderline basket case,
No appetite due to constant worry, trouble sleeping and just extremely anxious with regular panic attacks. Then came the news she was small, we got given all the worst case scenarios and that just topped me off with worrying. She was born healthy but small, no placental failure or FGR or infections or genetic issues, it must have been my anxiety, apparently that can be linked to low birth weight. 5lb at 37 weeks.
Since 6 months she’s ‘caught up’ to between 9/25 for height and weight. But she just had her 2 year check at nearly 23 months and her height has fallen to around the 5th centile (outside of mid parental range) weight and head in her sweet spot (9/25). She’ll have more tests but it’s unlikely they can help her, i basically screwed her over from pregnancy.
I know I’m lucky she’s healthy other wise and there are worse things in life than being petite but I feel so goddamn guilty that I’ve hindered her in this way. I’m 160cm (25th centile I believe) so I’m not a giant but it breaks my heart that she’s going to have to deal with the constant ‘she’s so small’ comments or potentially be bullied for her height and it’s all my f’ing fault. If only I’d sorted my shit out and stopped worrying excessively. I just feel so so guilty and like the worst f’ing mother ever, failing her before she was even born.