To think I screwed DD over before she was even born

[Nc4post99]

DD is 23 months. Developmentally on track and beyond cherished.

DH and I were told we’d never conceive naturally so when we did it felt miraculous and so high stakes. I began to feel exceptionally anxious, referred myself for counselling (that was a whole saga but I got refused because I was pregnant so was unable to get help). Then came the medical blunders, bleeding x 2 was told it was miscarriage, dating scan advised medical termination for DS, hydrops and heart failure (total blunder but all normal), then at anatomy scan small head yet another fetal med referral (again blunder) but long story short I was a borderline basket case,
No appetite due to constant worry, trouble sleeping and just extremely anxious with regular panic attacks. Then came the news she was small, we got given all the worst case scenarios and that just topped me off with worrying. She was born healthy but small, no placental failure or FGR or infections or genetic issues, it must have been my anxiety, apparently that can be linked to low birth weight. 5lb at 37 weeks.

Since 6 months she’s ‘caught up’ to between 9/25 for height and weight. But she just had her 2 year check at nearly 23 months and her height has fallen to around the 5th centile (outside of mid parental range) weight and head in her sweet spot (9/25). She’ll have more tests but it’s unlikely they can help her, i basically screwed her over from pregnancy.

I know I’m lucky she’s healthy other wise and there are worse things in life than being petite but I feel so goddamn guilty that I’ve hindered her in this way. I’m 160cm (25th centile I believe) so I’m not a giant but it breaks my heart that she’s going to have to deal with the constant ‘she’s so small’ comments or potentially be bullied for her height and it’s all my f’ing fault. If only I’d sorted my shit out and stopped worrying excessively. I just feel so so guilty and like the worst f’ing mother ever, failing her before she was even born.

My very petite 5lb full term baby was 0.4th centile for the first 18 months of her life. Her growth curve started to pick up from 18 months and she grew rapidly. She is now 8 and is 90th centile for height and weight. I recall my modwife saying that some babies are born small because they are destjnes to be small, but some are born small due to challenges in the womb and those babies will catch up. My DD was obviously in the second category.

If your daughter ends up staying small, that is fine. But she is still very young and from my experience there is time for her to outgrow her current growth curve if she is destined to do so.

At 7/8 months pregnant got my initial talking therapy triage appointment, they asked if I’d ever got help before and I said no just saw MH midwife who said to refer here and then they said ah you’ve seen mental health midwife we can’t see you. Discharged there and then. I complained to the mental health midwife and she did her best to support me but unfortunately I went to the back of the list and didn’t get help til 5 months pp. massive cockup and shouldn’t have happened, fighting to get help, 100% made my anxiety worse.
That's dreadful

My DD is very small,born in the 25th centile and then from about 6 months she just fell slowly off the scales,ending up on the -2nd centile.She is at the absolute bottom of the range of normal given parents and grandparents heights( I'm 5'2",DH is 5'9",but his Mum and uncles,and my uncle and grandad were small.) We also had the accusations of underfeeding and criticism of extended breastfeeding - that was the HVs, until we saw the paediatrician,who was lovely and said what she was eating was fine. But I still had to keep telling the HVs that! She had various tests( including genetic) and kept seeing the paediatrician for years,but no cause was found,she is just small.

And it has been a pain in the neck for her ( and us) - people do comment,she has had comments about how she couldn't possibly be at Secondary school/ in the Sixth form/ not at school.But it isn't the worst thing that could happen,really. You do get fed up with answering the comments,you have to keep supporting them when it bothers them,but DD developed things to say in response to comments,her friends weren't bothered.
You really mustn't blame yourself - even if anxiety and depression were a factor that is absolutely not your fault - you didn't choose that,did you? You didn't "screw her over" at all,she is loved and you will support her if she needs support

I think you have an anxiety disorder than you need to address. You need to be able to let go of what can't be changed. The problem was, as you see it, because of anxiety and now you're feeling anxious about it. You will feel alot better if you're able to do this.

For now remember that you're doing the best job you can and that is good enough. Try to see yourself through your cherished child's eyes and be kind.

Take care x

@Notquitemanaging

It’s breaking my heart reading this - you clearly love her so much - I am absolutely shocked the consultants would say this to you. Just because there aren’t other explanations doesn’t mean it’s anything to do with the anxiety - my daughter was born with dangerously low platelets - no idea why and nor did anyone advise any possible reasons why - it was just something that happened and corrected itself. As for the professionals accusing you of not feeding her that’s also heart breaking. People will always say something about kids for some reason - I’ve had people on buses tell me my daughters curly hair is going to be a nightmare for me al- it’s just I boundaried chat it doesn’t mean anyone is actually worried just filling silence thoughtlessly. She’s healthy, she’s loved, she’s small - you’ve not got one thing to feel guilty about x

Thank you! I do love her very much. She’s the most special little girl, I know every parents thinks that, but she’s wonderfully funny always pulling pranks on people, smart, caring and very generous and I know being short doesn’t detract from any of this. I’ve just been told it’s my fault, I breastfed her too (so that came up a lot) and the fact there is even a ‘slight’ chance I’ve hindered her does hurt me x

There is no way to know if she would of been small anyway, some babies just are. What is the point of continuing to beat yourself up. My 19 year old is 5foot and about 6 stone, god help anyway that messes with her, shes a pocket rocket and loves being mini even though most of her friends tower above her! Im five foot too and its I don't mind it at all. There will always be sonething that dcs ‘may’ get bullied over. Enjoy your mini girl.

Oh my gosh

I had TWO children who were both SEVERE IUGR. One who was under 2lbs. And one slightly bigger.

For what it’s worth. I don’t suffer with anxiety at all. Literally nothing. I’ve worked with countless IUGR charities and also never heard this.

My two are still tiny. Will be small. I’m small. It’s highly likely that your child will be too. We even saw a specialist endocrine dr. Who said this too. Nothing you’ve done. It’s known in smaller children at birth.

Please stop worrying. It’s normal for this to happen. You did nothing to help or hinder.

If you ever want to chat. I’m here. Been through the exact same thing.

Also. We saw one of the uk top specialist for smaller children. With IUGR.

People make you worry. They’re so used to seeing bigger children. That small children scare them. This doesn’t help x

They told me my first would be only 4’11.

I said and?!? What’s wrong with being short.

Honestly. Nothing wrong with being tiny.

So my girls. Weight and height is both in the 0.4th centile

So considerably smaller than yours and they are perfect. In every single way!!!

@Yogamummy23

Do they really test and worry about height in toddlers? In my area they don’t even measure/plot height at birth or any other time. Only weight! My DD has literally never been measured in her life. I’ve no idea is she’s tall short or average apart from looking at others!

They do

We’ve seen specialists galore. Eventually I said stop. I’m the same height as this lady. They completely agreed and we stopped.

@user16395699

apparently that can be linked to low birth weight

The strongest evidence I can find on this merely observes that there may be a correlation between the two, but nothing about direct causal links being proven.

So that's a "may" as well as correlation not causation. Totally different things. Do you understand the difference between correlation and causation? Things can have a strong correlation without one being the cause of the other.

potentially be bullied for her height and it’s all my f’ing fault. If only I’d sorted my shit out and stopped worrying excessively. I just feel so so guilty and like the worst f’ing mother ever, failing her before she was even born.

Can you see the massive thinking error here that's creating all your anxiety?

You have decided your "excessive worrying" ( during a stressful and naturally worrying time) has "potentially" ruined the entire life of your 23 month old child - and therefore you are going to worry excessively in response? How is that logical?

None of the things you are worrying about has even happened, they are all currently figments of your anxious imagination.

Secondly, your child is 23 months old and has one measurement that isn't perfect. Off the back of that you are now imagining the next 90 years of her life being ruined with no redeeming features and no positives - you must have a very high quality crystal ball to see that far into the future with such certainty.

Your thoughts and feelings are not facts.

How you think affects how you feel. It also affects how you behave and will cause self-sabotaging behaviours that mean negative prophecies become self-fulfilling.

I very strongly suggest that you seek support to learn how to differentiate between thoughts, feelings, and facts, and then how to challenge your unhelpful thoughts.

Otherwise the only thing that is guaranteed here is that you will continue to be distressed and miserable, which is totally unnecessary and undeserved.

This. ❤️

OP you had a hell of a lot to have anxiety about. Most people told what you were would have been stressed and anxious.
You were that way because you loved and cared for her. You can't ask your body to stop doing that.
Perhaps you could reframe this in your mind. It seems like there was something not quite right throughout. Hopefully she's overcome all of that but far better to have her fully tested at this age and rule other causes out properly.
You didn't cause this. Should I beat myself up because my son went 14 days over and was massive. Did I make him too comfortable, was I too relaxed and as a result caused issues with his birth? No of course not. We cannot control our bodies in that way.
Be kinder to yourself

In a very gentle way, I really think you are placing too much weight on tentative links between maternal anxiety and birth weight. I don’t believe there’s any conclusive evidence either way, and for what it’s worth anecdotally, i was neurotically anxious with both my pregnancies and had a terrible time. dd1 is totally average height/weight, always has been, and dd2 is a 99th centile colossus. Neither is particularly like dh or i at that age. They are just who they are.

I really wouldn't beat yourself up. I was a 9 pound baby and I'm now 5 foot , slim build and a size 8. My neighbours kids were 1.4 pound when born and they are now big strapping lads. Nothing you could have done or can do now will make your daughter any bigger or smaller than she is supposed to be.

@Calmdown14

OP you had a hell of a lot to have anxiety about. Most people told what you were would have been stressed and anxious. You were that way because you loved and cared for her. You can't ask your body to stop doing that. Perhaps you could reframe this in your mind. It seems like there was something not quite right throughout. Hopefully she's overcome all of that but far better to have her fully tested at this age and rule other causes out properly. You didn't cause this. Should I beat myself up because my son went 14 days over and was massive. Did I make him too comfortable, was I too relaxed and as a result caused issues with his birth? No of course not. We cannot control our bodies in that way. Be kinder to yourself

Agree

I had a traumatic pregnancy. Same as OP. I had multi organ failure and spent over a year after the birth of my child in hospital. I had blood clots in most major organs. Brain. Lungs

Second pregnancy I had a bleed on the brain and got left with such a rare condition. I’m only the 38th women in the world at this time. It’s difficult to overcome this.

I mean this as kindly as possible but you're going to do far more damage to your child if you carry on down this guilt ridden past. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about but regardless what's done is done and you can only change the future.

The more you can look after your own mental health the better off your daughter will be.

Those projections based on parent height are ridiculous btw. My youngest son (I have 3) was a slow grower. So he did end up needing testing, just to make sure everything was okay. Turns out he's just little. But at the appointment with the specialist she told us the height rank our children would/should be. Well, my 2 older sons are taller then what they "should" be, and my youngest is shorter then he "should" be based on those. I know its hard but try not to stress, your daughter will be fine, even if she is short.

You are being irrational. It probably had no impact on her birth weight atall. You seriously need to forget at this and move on

Has she had a bone age scan?

Some people just have small babies. That's just the way it is.

My DN was born at 37 weeks and 5lb something. She's 5 now and caught up.

My DS is just small. He has just turned 2 so not had his 2 year check yet. I know he's small. He's a little dink. I'm also short, so is his dad. Not once has it crossed my mind that I made him small.

Be kind to yourself please .

I was around your daughter's weight at birth ( 5lbs 2) due to high blood pressure restricting access to the placenta.

I m now 41 , and 5 foot six so slightly above average for women.

@Skyla2005

You are being irrational. It probably had no impact on her birth weight atall. You seriously need to forget at this and move on

👍🏻

Sometimes there just isn't a reason-no matter hiw much medical staff would like to apportion one.

My PFB was very prem & has dyslexia.

There's probably a correlation (although I was never told this) & for many years I have blamed myself for not carrying to term.

And of course it has done no good & changed nothing!

Mother's guilt!

@Nocutenamesleft

Has she had a bone age scan?

No not yet.

We got a lot of flack about her weight at 18 months (9kg) so following her centile fine but a nurse at a&e (she was there for a 40 degree fever) wanted to refer her for a feeding tube, so wrote us some blood test referral in the interim so she’s had thyroid, blood calcium, iron and basically a full blood culture done. We’ve not been referred to an endocrinologist but the paed said he’ll do an igf and celiac test and redo some of the others to see if there is anything there. He doubts there will be. But he wants to see her back in 3/4 months not the usual 6, not sure if this means he’s more concerned or not.

How do you get a bone x ray? That’s to see if bone age matches actual age isn’t it?