To think I screwed DD over before she was even born

[Nc4post99]

DD is 23 months. Developmentally on track and beyond cherished.

DH and I were told we’d never conceive naturally so when we did it felt miraculous and so high stakes. I began to feel exceptionally anxious, referred myself for counselling (that was a whole saga but I got refused because I was pregnant so was unable to get help). Then came the medical blunders, bleeding x 2 was told it was miscarriage, dating scan advised medical termination for DS, hydrops and heart failure (total blunder but all normal), then at anatomy scan small head yet another fetal med referral (again blunder) but long story short I was a borderline basket case,
No appetite due to constant worry, trouble sleeping and just extremely anxious with regular panic attacks. Then came the news she was small, we got given all the worst case scenarios and that just topped me off with worrying. She was born healthy but small, no placental failure or FGR or infections or genetic issues, it must have been my anxiety, apparently that can be linked to low birth weight. 5lb at 37 weeks.

Since 6 months she’s ‘caught up’ to between 9/25 for height and weight. But she just had her 2 year check at nearly 23 months and her height has fallen to around the 5th centile (outside of mid parental range) weight and head in her sweet spot (9/25). She’ll have more tests but it’s unlikely they can help her, i basically screwed her over from pregnancy.

I know I’m lucky she’s healthy other wise and there are worse things in life than being petite but I feel so goddamn guilty that I’ve hindered her in this way. I’m 160cm (25th centile I believe) so I’m not a giant but it breaks my heart that she’s going to have to deal with the constant ‘she’s so small’ comments or potentially be bullied for her height and it’s all my f’ing fault. If only I’d sorted my shit out and stopped worrying excessively. I just feel so so guilty and like the worst f’ing mother ever, failing her before she was even born.

Also OP, I can assure you that your daughter’s height is nothing to do with anything you have done. Anxiety whilst pregnant has no bearing on a baby’s height!

You are NOT "guilty for causing her poor growth", that's crazy! There are so, soooo many reasons for babies being born small. Anxiety and depression CAN be linked to low birth weight but so can a plethora of things.

My DS1 was born on the 3rd centile, now at 8 years old he's above average height, but relatively slim. I'm not too bothered with percentiles though.

If she eats well and is otherwise healthy, I honestly think you should be glad. Feeling guilty is not going to help anyone..

Also, it's not your fault that you suffered from those issues, you tried to get help and got refused. What else could you have done?

Pregnancy is a time of great stress and concerns for most people, for people who aren't naïve to all the risks and dangers lurking around every corner. Easier said than done to just not worry about things and be positive..

You've got to be easier on yourself, girl. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your DD. Perhaps seek some help/ counselling now to deal with your feelings?

Wishing you and your family all the best xx

Even if anxiety does result in smaller babies, you recognised you were feeling anxious and you proactively looked for help. You couldn't have done any more. Its not your fault the help didn't come.
You are no more responsible here than if some physical thing had happened to you in pregnancy that was out of your control.

I think you really need to seek help for your anxiety and stop stressing about your DD who is probably totally fine.

I had a very anxious pregnancy with DD2, coming after 4 miscarriages, had multiple scans etc, she was induced at 37 weeks due to measuring small, born weighing 5lbs just like your DD.

She is now 9 and a delight in every way. Not particularly tall but not small either, just average.

We are not very tall parents so this makes sense to me. Please try not to be so anxious and enjoy your DD.

Even if anxiety does make babies smaller it's not like you can help it - what with anxiety being a diagnosed mental health issue

You literally did what you could

I didn't suffer from anxiety during my pregnancy, everything was normal, yet my dd was born full term and weighed only 4lb 5oz.

It is not your fault.

I had severe hyperemesis with my pregnancy, barely kept food down and what I did was not very nutritional - primarily jacket potatoes/toast and butter. I was on IV drips regularly and a large amount of medication to try and control it.
DD was born at 30 weeks and 3lb 3 and is now 90th percentile for height.
At your DDs age they grow in spurts too, so she won't necessarily stay on that percentile, but even if she does then it's genetics not your nutrition during pregnancy, otherwise mine definitely wouldn't be so tall.

I had a lot of bleeding in pregnancy and previous miscarriages. DS was 3rd centile for height and weight at birth. He couldn't start swimming classes until he was 15month when the 0 to 3 months trunks didn't fall off him. He had monthly height and weight checks until he was 2. At that point his predicted adult height was 5 feet 2 inches. We were offered a referral to GOS for possible Growth Hormone for him. We declined. He is mid twenties and is 5 foot 11. He is still skinny, wears 36 inch slim fit jackets and 30 inch trousers.
I am not saying everything will be fine, but may not be a bad as you fear. You had a terrible time in pregnancy, it wasn't your fault, most of us would have been fearful too. Be kind to yourself.

I get some free counselling through work through our private health insurance, just lost my father so was planning to use it to talk about that but I’ll mention I feel a lot of guilt about DD’s size, although I cognitively know why I feel guilty, I’ve been told by numerous people it’s my fault one way or another from fetal med, to midwives, to HVs to my mother and even DH blamed me at some points (he says he doesn’t now and he didn’t know better but it has all probably affected me).

If anyone who has had a child with growth concerns does know the next steps from a medical point of view or tests to push for, I’d appreciate your insight. I know with things like this you often have to drive your care as parents are often dismissed. If she needs a little extra help or investigation I do want to ensure she gets that x x

Forgot to say higher up, my anxiety really affected my appetite and I struggled to eat and didn’t gain an oz. Was told it didn’t matter at the time but 10 days pp I was lighter than my pre baby weight so was later told i hadnt gained enough weight too, and that probably hindered her growth. Sorry to drip feed I just mentally put that in with anxiety x

I’ve been told by numerous people it’s my fault one way or another from fetal med, to midwives, to HVs to my mother

I think that's shocking and really unfair. I'm sorry that happened to you.

@Nc4post99

Turners has almost immediate physical and visible signs from birth. She’d have no neck. Yes it also shows up on genetics.

Nope. We won’t be doing anymore testing. I don’t know much about short limbed dwarfism. However the dr could easily see that. He’s be able to noticed the limbs. There’s a few people on that group that have that. Hmm. What was her birth weight again? What was her length?

If your father had a growth problem. It does tend to skip a generation. However he could of just been short statue or even iUGR. But the technology wasn’t around for them to of known that. Also if his brother had it but his father didn’t. It’s unlikely to be genetic. It can sporadically come up though. They might not of had an actual growth problem. But more like maternal problem.. Yes. My girls fell off their curves many times. They were referred because they fell off their curves also!!!!

It was actually my dr. I was hounded by my midwife. Who kept referring me week in week out to my pead dr. Who just said eventually. Stopped going to her. Because they see big babies. They get scared of a little one. It’s the medical profession who get scared!

They’ve ruled out neglect. I’m sure. The blood tests would of ruled that out.

It sounds like she might just be like mine. But a bit taller. Hey. We should do a photo op of the two!!! Two tiny children. Oh. They’d love that.

Please PM me. I’d like to chat more

From everything you’ve said. If there is a growth issues. It’s likely to be family related. She’s in proportion. So no dwarfism. Though a dr told me he felt my youngest should be tested for RSS because of her nose?!?!? They can and do get it wrong sometimes.

I really don’t feel at this stage. You have anything to really worry about. You’ve got a dr involved. So if they did want to give her growth hormone etc. Then you’ve got early intervention. But based off everything you’ve said. I really don’t see how it could be anxiety or depression. If that was the case. 75% of children born would be tiny!

I’d love to support you through this. You’re doing a great job. Yes your anxious. But you’re getting help. That’s the main thing. You need to learn some good skills that will set you up for life and that can be done.

But for now. Even for the nect few months. Stop worrying. You can’t do anything about it. Nor could you. You didn’t cause this.

It sounds like being short runs in your family. It can remain undetected in families for many generations. But even the being short is most likely a problem with the placenta. They didn’t send it off. So they cannot be sure. My placenta was 80% clotted. They didn’t know until they sent it off. It’s normally always placenta based. Or weak umbilical cord etc.
Most of the time however. It’s just genetics. Not bad genetics. Just shorter ones.

I’ve had the whole. Do you feed your child. It all builds into this incredible mum guilt. X

@Nc4post99

Forgot to say higher up, my anxiety really affected my appetite and I struggled to eat and didn’t gain an oz. Was told it didn’t matter at the time but 10 days pp I was lighter than my pre baby weight so was later told i hadnt gained enough weight too, and that probably hindered her growth. Sorry to drip feed I just mentally put that in with anxiety x

You must try to eat plenty in front of your child. She’s got a good appetite now. But that really helps her get a good relationship with food for years to come.

Have you had. If they gain weight. They’ll gain height yet?!?

@Nc4post99

I get some free counselling through work through our private health insurance, just lost my father so was planning to use it to talk about that but I’ll mention I feel a lot of guilt about DD’s size, although I cognitively know why I feel guilty, I’ve been told by numerous people it’s my fault one way or another from fetal med, to midwives, to HVs to my mother and even DH blamed me at some points (he says he doesn’t now and he didn’t know better but it has all probably affected me).

If anyone who has had a child with growth concerns does know the next steps from a medical point of view or tests to push for, I’d appreciate your insight. I know with things like this you often have to drive your care as parents are often dismissed. If she needs a little extra help or investigation I do want to ensure she gets that x x

I’d leave it to the pead now.

If they’re happy. Maybe get a referrals to an endo. But if then they are happy. That’s about all you can do.

Even things like her sodium. Potassium can be vitally important in growth issues. So if they look ok. The pead dr is happy. Then if in a few years you’re still concerned. You don’t want to push at this stage. Yes early intervention is good. But she’s got a lot of time at 23 months.

I'm friends with a shortie. They're tiny. And incredibly successful, professionally and socially. Chill out. It worked fine for Napoleon 😆

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@Nc4post99

Turners has almost immediate physical and visible signs from birth. She’d have no neck. Yes it also shows up on genetics.

Nope. We won’t be doing anymore testing. I don’t know much about short limbed dwarfism. However the dr could easily see that. He’s be able to noticed the limbs. There’s a few people on that group that have that. Hmm. What was her birth weight again? What was her length?

If your father had a growth problem. It does tend to skip a generation. However he could of just been short statue or even iUGR. But the technology wasn’t around for them to of known that. Also if his brother had it but his father didn’t. It’s unlikely to be genetic. It can sporadically come up though. They might not of had an actual growth problem. But more like maternal problem.. Yes. My girls fell off their curves many times. They were referred because they fell off their curves also!!!!

It was actually my dr. I was hounded by my midwife. Who kept referring me week in week out to my pead dr. Who just said eventually. Stopped going to her. Because they see big babies. They get scared of a little one. It’s the medical profession who get scared!

They’ve ruled out neglect. I’m sure. The blood tests would of ruled that out.

It sounds like she might just be like mine. But a bit taller. Hey. We should do a photo op of the two!!! Two tiny children. Oh. They’d love that.

Please PM me. I’d like to chat more

From everything you’ve said. If there is a growth issues. It’s likely to be family related. She’s in proportion. So no dwarfism. Though a dr told me he felt my youngest should be tested for RSS because of her nose?!?!? They can and do get it wrong sometimes.

I really don’t feel at this stage. You have anything to really worry about. You’ve got a dr involved. So if they did want to give her growth hormone etc. Then you’ve got early intervention. But based off everything you’ve said. I really don’t see how it could be anxiety or depression. If that was the case. 75% of children born would be tiny!

I’d love to support you through this. You’re doing a great job. Yes your anxious. But you’re getting help. That’s the main thing. You need to learn some good skills that will set you up for life and that can be done.

But for now. Even for the nect few months. Stop worrying. You can’t do anything about it. Nor could you. You didn’t cause this.

It sounds like being short runs in your family. It can remain undetected in families for many generations. But even the being short is most likely a problem with the placenta. They didn’t send it off. So they cannot be sure. My placenta was 80% clotted. They didn’t know until they sent it off. It’s normally always placenta based. Or weak umbilical cord etc.
Most of the time however. It’s just genetics. Not bad genetics. Just shorter ones.

I’ve had the whole. Do you feed your child. It all builds into this incredible mum guilt. X[/quote]
I will PM you but I’ll answer the questions here too just in case it helps someone in the future.

She was 5lb and 46cm at 37 weeks, i think her head was 32 or 32.5 cm can’t remember. I think that dwarfism is Hypochondroplasia (sp?) the paed said flat out no to that so I’m not sure why the counsellor in an ante natal anxiety group said it? She often over stepped her bounds though so 🤷‍♀️

My dad was the only sort of abnormally small person in his family, his brother is of average height as are other relatives. I don’t think he was an iugr baby I recall him saying he was around 6.5/7 lbs at birth- both my folks were horrified at how small she was.

I had very frequent dopplers in pregnancy to check flow and they were all consistently normal, same with the cord all normal, it’s why they wouldn’t term her iugr. She was consistently around / under the 10th centile in pregnancy. Papp a was never checked so could have been that but we don’t know. Anxiety and weight gain just seemed to be the fore front of everyone’s mind.

My brother was born at 37 weeks and was 4lb, possibly a combination of my mum smoking for the first trimester (didn't realise she was pregnant) and stress (I was 20 months and running her ragged, she was older and told 50% risk of downs). No-one really knows.

Anyway, he was 'a sickly child' - respiratory issues as a baby, lazy eye as a child. He was always the smallest in class. Until puberty.

He's 5'11 now, which is pretty good going considering my mum is 5'4 and my dad 5'8.

Your DD sounds prefect, by all means let the doctors do the tests they want to, but please stop beating yourself up and try to stop stressing.

If (big if) your anxiety caused this, then it's still not 'your fault', you had every reason to be anxious at the time!

If there is something they will find it and treat it. She might be short, she might not. But what is clear from your posts is that she will be loved, and that's what really matters.

As a very anxious mother myself I can absolutely sympathise with how you’re feeling. My son has food allergies and, in spite of my husband’s efforts to convince me otherwise, I cannot help but blame myself.

Having said that, I’ve had a quick look for research on maternal stress and its a correlation with birth weight. From what I can see, a correlation has been identified - but it’s just a correlation, and no causal link has been established. In fact, in one study the confounding factors are listed as “ mother health problems, such as diabetes; cardiovascular diseases; smoking during pregnancy; mental health problems (i.e. major depression); using contraindicated medication during pregnancy; maternal age (

I have two DC, DD was first and born on the 7th percentile and DS was born on the 50th. With DD I was on anti depressants when I fell pregnant but I came off them around 5/6 months, I was a bit anxious coming off but ok. With DS life got really rough and though I wasn't on medication I was stressed the whole pregnancy, I started getting physically ill and having panic attacks, I do worry that the stress may have affected him but I did my best while pregnant and I can't do anything to change it so I just have to move forward.

Btw DD is 2.5 and tiny still, tiny and highly strung, DS is still a newborn and a much better sleeper so far.

@Calmdown14

OP you had a hell of a lot to have anxiety about. Most people told what you were would have been stressed and anxious. You were that way because you loved and cared for her. You can't ask your body to stop doing that. Perhaps you could reframe this in your mind. It seems like there was something not quite right throughout. Hopefully she's overcome all of that but far better to have her fully tested at this age and rule other causes out properly. You didn't cause this. Should I beat myself up because my son went 14 days over and was massive. Did I make him too comfortable, was I too relaxed and as a result caused issues with his birth? No of course not. We cannot control our bodies in that way. Be kinder to yourself

Thank you!

‘ It seems like there was something not quite right throughout’ - there actually wasn’t though until her smaller size got picked up at 32 weeks. The advise to medically terminate based on the reasons I mentioned was incorrect, we were given this info by a sonographer and midwife both of whom made a huge mistake according to the head of fetal med. they were both sent for retraining after an investigation. The small head measurement was based on the wrong due date too, so it was all blunders but left me a nervous wreck.

Even if there is a link, correlation does not mean causation. I think it was very unfair of HCP to just focus on this as a reason, especially since they know the effect it would have on you. However, you are not being irrational to take them to heart. It's easy to say ignore it, you might even try to fake it, but once it was said you'll always have that what if going around in your brain especially if no other reasons will be discovered/acknowledged. That's not you being irrational, that's a HCP fucking up.

The main thing is that you are doing all the right things now. You're seeing the docs,listening to them,keeping an eye on her ,doing the tests. Sadly , no one can wave a magic wand and fix this for you and it's something that needs time. You still have options , like growth hormones when she's older. My goddaughter has had it, and in the past two years she has massively shot up and is finally a normal weight as well.

I was extremely anxious during my second pregnancy - I had very unusual family things going on which I won’t go into but I can’t even put words on how screwed up and distraught I was and how I didn’t connect with the actual baby growing inside me… it was so different from my first baby where I felt like “who ARE you, the person on the other side is my skin?”

My son was born with a condition picked up on the heel prick test. He had a few issues. I also have wondered if my mental state, super high cortisol levels affected him in any ways. I was not well in my own head. Very heightened state of anxiety. My case was “flagged” and at every appointment I had a list of questions put to me off a sheet “do you feel safe?” etc. I could have told them I felt like crusty the clown and they would have just benignly filled in my response.

I will never know if I impacted him.

However - my first child was born 50% height and is now tracking at 17! And I am 5 11 (love being talk and hoped my children would be too) but it looks like I’ll have a very petite little lady in the family!

And the second child - he is tracking at 97% height

So who knows.

The hospital has raised my first child’s’ slow in height, we did blood tests and are waiting in results. But I’m not worried (any more).

Thanks @AccidentallyOnPurpose, of course I try and take no notice and when she was in her ‘expected parental range’ the guilt started to go but now she’s dropped out of it, it’s come back, especially because 2 is the magic age by when catch up will or won’t happen. The general consensus seems to be, if they aren’t in their expected range by 2 they never will be without medical intervention. I think to qualify for GHT children have to be below the 0.4th centile for height. I’m a member of a support group for sga children and for the most part in the UK parents seem to have to battle to get treatment for their little ones

@Nc4post99

Thanks *@AccidentallyOnPurpose*, of course I try and take no notice and when she was in her ‘expected parental range’ the guilt started to go but now she’s dropped out of it, it’s come back, especially because 2 is the magic age by when catch up will or won’t happen. The general consensus seems to be, if they aren’t in their expected range by 2 they never will be without medical intervention. I think to qualify for GHT children have to be below the 0.4th centile for height. I’m a member of a support group for sga children and for the most part in the UK parents seem to have to battle to get treatment for their little ones

I don't know the full details, but I can ask for you. She was always really tiny and underweight. There are two years between her and DD and they've always been the same size. She was 9 when things started happening, the biggest factor being no growth for a whole year.

If there are no obvious medical reasons, I think it's a wait and see game which won't help your anxiety and guilt "right now".

@AccidentallyOnPurpose, it’s ok don’t trouble yourself. It seems to be reserved for ‘off the charts’ children which to an extent I do understand as we shouldn’t pathologize smallness.

I’m glad it’s working out for your goddaughter, it seems GHT can do miraculous things, often people think of it as just a height and thus vanity thing but it helps with appetite, muscle mass and bone density too!

Unfortunately you’re right we’re in a wait and see, and that means dealing with a lot of comments and accusations (from all over) in the mean time xx