To think I screwed DD over before she was even born

[Nc4post99]

DD is 23 months. Developmentally on track and beyond cherished.

DH and I were told we’d never conceive naturally so when we did it felt miraculous and so high stakes. I began to feel exceptionally anxious, referred myself for counselling (that was a whole saga but I got refused because I was pregnant so was unable to get help). Then came the medical blunders, bleeding x 2 was told it was miscarriage, dating scan advised medical termination for DS, hydrops and heart failure (total blunder but all normal), then at anatomy scan small head yet another fetal med referral (again blunder) but long story short I was a borderline basket case,
No appetite due to constant worry, trouble sleeping and just extremely anxious with regular panic attacks. Then came the news she was small, we got given all the worst case scenarios and that just topped me off with worrying. She was born healthy but small, no placental failure or FGR or infections or genetic issues, it must have been my anxiety, apparently that can be linked to low birth weight. 5lb at 37 weeks.

Since 6 months she’s ‘caught up’ to between 9/25 for height and weight. But she just had her 2 year check at nearly 23 months and her height has fallen to around the 5th centile (outside of mid parental range) weight and head in her sweet spot (9/25). She’ll have more tests but it’s unlikely they can help her, i basically screwed her over from pregnancy.

I know I’m lucky she’s healthy other wise and there are worse things in life than being petite but I feel so goddamn guilty that I’ve hindered her in this way. I’m 160cm (25th centile I believe) so I’m not a giant but it breaks my heart that she’s going to have to deal with the constant ‘she’s so small’ comments or potentially be bullied for her height and it’s all my f’ing fault. If only I’d sorted my shit out and stopped worrying excessively. I just feel so so guilty and like the worst f’ing mother ever, failing her before she was even born.

Don't beat yourself up OP, my DD was 1st percentile for a little bit, failure to thrive, and while she didn't get as tall as predicted, she's a good 4 inches taller than me at 5"4, shot up in her late teens! You've nothing to worry about, being a new parent is a tough old job.

But how could you not worry with your pregnancy history. I should think most pregnant people would be out of their mind with worry and stress given your medical history when pregnant. How could it possibly be your fault that you worried

My youngest was 5lb 4oz when he was born, at 38 weeks. No one ever said anything about it. And he was very slow to put on weight, he was a scrawny looking thing (tiny compared to his twin brothers at the same age, who both piled the weight on after being born at 35 weeks weighing 4lb 12 & 4lb 13oz) I did sometimes wonder why no one seemed bothered about him being so small.

He started school and was in age 3 school trousers with turn ups. He was the shortest in his year.

And now he's 14 and he's currently 5ft 4, and still growing. I'm only 5ft 1, and come from a family of shorties, so I'll be happy if he gets a couple of inches taller (aforementioned twins are 5ft 8 now)

I feel really sad that you've been made to feel like it's your fault your DD is small. It's really not.

@Nc4post99

Yes. So if bone age looks different to actual age. Then they need to do more

If you’re not at endocrine stage. I wouldn’t worry. Even if you get to that stage. They could all go. Oh well. Nothing to worry about.

Let me know what her IGF-1 is. Though it’s quite an unreliable test. I wouldn’t go researching. I work with adults with growth hormone deficiency. So know a lot about it.

So far you’ve only had W few blood tests. If the drs haven’t started a feeding tube. Then ignore her sticking her beak in. The dr is doing the exact right thing and it doesn’t actually mean anything. As others have said. Maternal height etc. Is tubbish. You’re the same height as me and you’re not tall. She’s also much bigger than my children and they’re fine. So that’s good

What’s her height and weight? For reference. Mine were 12lbs at 1. They also were tiny in height.

Even if the drs decide to start her on growth hormone. For say Russell silver etc. Then you’ve still done nothing wrong. You’re anxiety didn’t cause this and I’m horrified the dr even suggested it. Way to kick a parent when they’re down.

Have you spoken to your dr about your anxiety op? I would be very cross your dr said that to you, sometimes dr's like to have a reason, even when there really isn't proof of one.
I get the guilt but something a midwife said has always stayed with me.
My ds2 was born at 24 weeks, I was hospitalised pretty much from the moment i realised I was pregnant, I was told time and again to end the pregnancy as I was risking my life. I was terrified and so sick I couldn't eat, vitamin drips and various medication kept me going. When my son was born he was tiny, not breathing and rushed to the NICU and I didn't even know it as I was in ICU for the first two weeks of his life.....the guilt was crippling when I saw him, I had done this to him, my body had failed, I had ruined his life.
Only one midwife said to me, firmly that I was talking nonsense, my body had done its job, it had made him, grown him, kept him alive against all the odds. And all he would care about was that he was alive. (He's now perfectly healthy though slightly smaller than his peers)
Those words have always stuck with me and I think that's what you should think. Your body did great, you did great, you did the best you could....and no one can ask for more than that.

@Nc4post99

So if it helps. My kids weren’t at 9kgs. Till about 2.6 years. I got told daily how they looked like dolls. It’s get tiring. But it’s just because people don’t see it often.

@Nc4post99

Also 3/4 months is really common in small children. Because 6 months is too long to wait. That’s nothing to worry about either. All very common.

Thanks for the mostly sweet comments!

I think I just feel next level mum guilt and which was affirmed a few times over. Like a PP said a lot of people don’t know how to react or deal with a slightly smaller child, unfortunately this extends to medical professionals. But we don’t make any sort of deal about her height at home, i want to make that clear. It’s never mentioned. It gets mentioned to us by other but we never focus on it.

I asked about growth spurts but he paed didn’t think this was likely. But growths a funny thing, I was one of the biggest in my y6 class, felt super self conscious about it actually and then stopped growing from y9 lol. If I’d followed my childhood centile I’d be 5’7 😂

I do however want to make sure if there is a medical reason for her height falling we can address it properly, sometimes it’s more complex than diet and genetics xx

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@Nc4post99

So if it helps. My kids weren’t at 9kgs. Till about 2.6 years. I got told daily how they looked like dolls. It’s get tiring. But it’s just because people don’t see it often.[/quote]
It is tiring isn’t it.

Ive had a few people ask me if she’s a little person, in fact one of the counsellors at the anxiety group told me she looked like she had short limb dwarfism. None of this would be a problem per se and it wouldn’t affect how we see her but it doesn’t help the anxiety or worrying xx

Oh op I really feel for you. I’m very small. I was Prem and my mum had issues and back in the day there weren’t tests for anything like this.

My dd is small. Very small. My youngest sibling is small but my brother is 6ft 2.

It really won’t affect her as an adult and as a pp said. You did your job. You grew her and she’s here and otherwise healthy.

@Nocutenamesleft

Has she had a bone age scan?

She seems young for that. My youngest had to have this done, but they did it when he was almost 13

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@Nc4post99

Yes. So if bone age looks different to actual age. Then they need to do more

If you’re not at endocrine stage. I wouldn’t worry. Even if you get to that stage. They could all go. Oh well. Nothing to worry about.

Let me know what her IGF-1 is. Though it’s quite an unreliable test. I wouldn’t go researching. I work with adults with growth hormone deficiency. So know a lot about it.

So far you’ve only had W few blood tests. If the drs haven’t started a feeding tube. Then ignore her sticking her beak in. The dr is doing the exact right thing and it doesn’t actually mean anything. As others have said. Maternal height etc. Is tubbish. You’re the same height as me and you’re not tall. She’s also much bigger than my children and they’re fine. So that’s good

What’s her height and weight? For reference. Mine were 12lbs at 1. They also were tiny in height.

Even if the drs decide to start her on growth hormone. For say Russell silver etc. Then you’ve still done nothing wrong. You’re anxiety didn’t cause this and I’m horrified the dr even suggested it. Way to kick a parent when they’re down.[/quote]
@Nocutenamesleft is the criteria for endo most than 2 centiles below mph? I feel like I’ve read it is somewhere.

She’s a week away from being 23 months and she’s 80cm but she was massively kicking off so she might be a bit over that but not a lot, and she was just 9.88kg. They didn’t do her head but we did at home and it’s just under the 25th centile.

Her paed said he’s pretty confident it’s nothing like RSS because of her relative proportionality, she also lacks the features.

I just got a bit concerned as they always say the majority catch up by 2 and it seems she’s falling further away from catch up x

Don't over think it, I knew of a baby who was so so tiny, walking but looked like a tiny 6 month old that people used to look twice etc. But fast forward 8 years and she is the same as all the other girls in my sons class, I had to take a double look when I realised it was her as I was expecting her to be so short and small!!

I haven't rtft but, the fact that she's small at 23 months does not mean she will be small for the rest of her life. I was a normal healthy weight at birth but was always one of the smallest in my class at school. Then at age 14 I had a growth spurt and overtook many of my classmates, and am now 5' 6. My DS was similar - healthy birth weight, small throughout his primary school years and as a young adult is now taller than me.

Don't beat yourself up - give your DD all the love you can and she will thrive. Take care of yourself too.

My dd went to secondary school in age 7 uniform. It had to be ordered in and adjusted. She’s 4ft11 and an absolute gem.

Haven't read whole thread...but I really don't think this has anything to do with you being unwell during pregnancy (and to be clear, you were unwell - depression and anxiety are illnesses, not something you chose to happen to you).

My son was 5 lb 5 Oz at 38 weeks. So small and I ate loads and wasn't stressed. It's just what happened. You may have had her at the same weight even if you had an 'easy' pregnancy. For reference my son is now very tall for his age, his dad is, it's genetics. My other son was born heavier but is much shorter...but I'm 5'2...again it's genetics.

Please stop blaming yourself. And from what you've said shes healthy? Just short? That's ok

Anxiety is hard going op, you are doing amazingly just loving her the way you do. That is all she needs. Give her (and you) plenty of cuddle time to get that oxytocin flowing.

I can completely sympathise with you. I found out I was having DS just after DD died. I was a mess, and like you worried about growing a baby with all of that stress, sadness and anxiety.

I was then in a car crash which wrote off my car and it looked as though my remaining daughter would need her arm amputated (they managed to save it after lengthy surgery). I was about six months pregnant by that stage. I felt cursed.

Ds is five now, and the happiest, smartest, most lovable little child. He started off 25th percentile but now is right on 50th for height, a little bit less for weight but he’s active.

I want to reassure you that she can be ok.

My DD's head size is in the 0.5th centile. I don't think I've failed her I just think she has a small head. She does also have other SEN but again no one has failed anything

@Nc4post99

No. They can refer to endo if they think there’s a problem. If she’s in proportion. You’ve dismissed almost 90% of the growth problems immediately. Hence why her dr thinks there’s nothing going to show up. The next step would be the more in depth issues. Like genetic. However those you’d mostly know about as lots of them go into families. There’s some stuff they could look st. But some of those tests take years.

If she’s in proportion. Like mine. It could just be the growth restriction. I’m surprised they didn’t test your placenta. They do it in my trust in every single case of iUGR. Or small birth weight. Most likely know that it can happen again and probably will do. Lots of cases can cause it. Literally so many. I’ve never ever heard the anxiety given out though. Or depression. Tons of women suffer with depression and anxiety in pregnancy. It is one of the most anxious times in our lives and if it were the case. There would be a lot more cases of iUGR or sga.

There’s a really good iUGR facebook page. Now I hate facebook and most relating pages. But this is one of the only good ones.

It sounds like she’s in good standing. On the 5th isn’t tiny tiny. It’s smaller. But most endos won’t see them if they aren’t under the 5th anyway. But you could ask. However their specialty will be dwarfism. The other genetic types would need a geneticist.

However it doesn’t look like your are there yet. Her head is a good size. Height isn’t too bad. Nor is weight.

For example. My now 9 yr old is now 125cms and 21kgs. So she’s the size of most 4 yr olds.

My daughter sounds very similar to yours. Also 23m, always been around the 9th percentile line. She's visibly smaller than her peers but is just as smart, even seems more so as people think she's younger than she is. She took ages to get back to her birthweight and I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I had stunted her growth somehow (midwives said I gave her a dummy too soon and missed feeding cues). I've since had another baby, the pregnancies were identical and he's been fed and treated exactly the same (breastfed, if it matters and dummy introduced at 1-2 weeks old) and is enormous! 99th for height, 75th for weight, is probably going to have caught his sister up in weight before his first birthday. Neither me or my husband are tall - 5ft4 and 5ft8 so no idea where this giant baby came from!

What I'm really trying to say is that they are their own person from day 1 no matter what you do (or did in pregnancy), so try not to worry. You can't go back in time to change anything so just embrace the super cuteness of your teeny wee gal and enjoy getting all that extra wear out of clothes!

My niece was a tiny toddler. She had all the referrals and tests etc . Now she is 28 and about 4' 9" and a size 4 to 6 . She is not in the slightest bit bothered by her height or lack of it . She is married and has 2 boisterous children and is very healthy .
Please try not to put so much blame on yourself , it sounds as though the doctors are doing enough of that for you .

Well I was 6lbs when I was born and I'm 5ft 10, and dp was under 4lbs when he was born and he is 6ft 3 so I'm not sure that's how it works.

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@Nc4post99

No. They can refer to endo if they think there’s a problem. If she’s in proportion. You’ve dismissed almost 90% of the growth problems immediately. Hence why her dr thinks there’s nothing going to show up. The next step would be the more in depth issues. Like genetic. However those you’d mostly know about as lots of them go into families. There’s some stuff they could look st. But some of those tests take years.

If she’s in proportion. Like mine. It could just be the growth restriction. I’m surprised they didn’t test your placenta. They do it in my trust in every single case of iUGR. Or small birth weight. Most likely know that it can happen again and probably will do. Lots of cases can cause it. Literally so many. I’ve never ever heard the anxiety given out though. Or depression. Tons of women suffer with depression and anxiety in pregnancy. It is one of the most anxious times in our lives and if it were the case. There would be a lot more cases of iUGR or sga.

There’s a really good iUGR facebook page. Now I hate facebook and most relating pages. But this is one of the only good ones.

It sounds like she’s in good standing. On the 5th isn’t tiny tiny. It’s smaller. But most endos won’t see them if they aren’t under the 5th anyway. But you could ask. However their specialty will be dwarfism. The other genetic types would need a geneticist.

However it doesn’t look like your are there yet. Her head is a good size. Height isn’t too bad. Nor is weight.

For example. My now 9 yr old is now 125cms and 21kgs. So she’s the size of most 4 yr olds.[/quote]
@Nocutenamesleft, this is where it’s so confusing. We were told she didn’t have iugr. This has been reconfirmed with the change of guidelines to the saving babies pathway. I even asked to check the placenta and they said only In still birth, the most they were prepared to do was a visually assessment.

Genetics was ruled out too, specifically turners as we had NIPT testing in pregnancy. I know there are other micro deletions but apparently there would be other signs of them, some delays 🤷‍♀️. I think my father had some sort of growth condition, undiagnosed. He was 5’5 but his mother was 5’4 and father 6ft and his brother 5’9, so he does seem shorter than ‘normal’.

I’m not concerned with her weight at all, it’s just that she was tracking the same centile for height and now she’s dropped? Yet her weight and head have stayed the same.

Is your girl having further tests? Xx

I’ve never understood this obsession with height. I’m 5’2” and so pleased that I am. I’d much rather be on the shorter side than towering over everybody!

Hi OP, haven't RTFT so someone might have mentioned constitutional growth delay already.

My DD dropped off the height charts at age 2. We were worried for a bit. I am 5' 7" and DH is 5' 9", so nothing unusual and I am on the taller side for a woman.

The doctors think it is constitutional growth delay, where a child stops growing for a bit then starts again. They typically grow for longer than their peers so she will be a perfectly normal height eventually. She is 4 now and around the 9th centile.

It could be something as simple as that, in which case nothing to worry about.