Single 56-year-old Dad with a 3-year-old son looking for advice

[DavidM1965]

Hello, I'm new here, and this post will be very long, so I apologise in advance. I hope I've posted this in the right place (admins feel free to move if not) and that I can get some advice, please.

I'm 56 years of age, work full time, and after six miscarriages, three each with two partners, I was blessed with a son.

I live in Bedford with no family local parental network support. My parents live up north and are in there eighties and my brother also lives up north.

Following our sons birth, my ex was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Following successful medical support and treatment she got better but decided she wanted a divorce which she applied for and has now been finalised.

On this Thursday, 12th August, I have a final Child Access Court Hearing. It's been ongoing for two years. This is because my ex has made many false accusations about me, such as physically abusing my son, not bathing him, not changing his nappy, not feeding him, the list goes on.

Our son is nearly three and a half now. He doesn't speak; well, he says gibberish; he knows what he's saying at least, and he's not potty trained.

As mentioned I live in Bedford and my ex moved to Nottingham 100 miles away. Due to the distance only see our son every other weekend. My ex refuses to do any of the travelling so I make the two trips to collect and return him. This adds up to a total of 400 miles, 8-hour journeys over the two days.

Included in the child access request I’m making is to have my son every other weekend, alternate birthdays, Christmas, holidays and for both parents to share the travelling.

On one occasion, my ex physically assaulted me, scratching my bare chest and back, drawing blood. The cuts took several months to heal; mentally, it took a little longer. This was reported to the police. Because I reported the assault, my ex stopped me seeing our son for three months. Just as the police decided to prosecute my ex reinstated contact. Fearful of her preventing me from seeing our son again, I instructed the police not to prosecute.

She has on a number of occasions reported me to Child Services, the Police, and Caffcass for abusing our son. On all occasions and all accounts, they found there was no case to answer.

I have this morning received a copy of her child access statement for Thursday's court hearing. In it, she repeats all the accusations mentioned above and claims the cuts I received in the assault, I'd made myself.

The big shock in the statement I received this morning, my ex is requesting the court to give me full custody and for her to see our son every other weekend. For our son's best interest, I'm going to agree to this; of course, the final decision will be down to the judge on Thursday. But if the judge does give me full custody, where do I start? What do I need to think about?

I'm a little in shock after everything that's gone on these last two years, and I guess I'm asking for help to focus.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any advice you may have.

I have read your post and don't have any experience to offer.

What I would say is when you're in court, you need to have a clear understanding of how your ex-wife is going to collect your son for her weekend visits and where those visits will take place. Have you thought about whether you'll take your son to your ex-wife? Or should she now take responsibility for her visits? That part of the proceedings needs to be very clear.

Wow! What a turnaround. Has she met someone new?
You need to think about:
Childcare
His routines
His food likes and dislikes
Favourite toys and comforters to bring with him
His bedroom
Contact with family
Missing his mum
Registering him with a doctor/dentist
Making contact with other single parents
Finances like claiming child benefits
Ensuring this is permanent so that his is not a yo-yo between parents

Good luck and enjoy your DS!

Maybe you need to think about bringing as many of his current home comforts with him to his new home with you as possible so that he feels settled (if your ex is amenable le to this). Also trying to make contact with his mum as easy as possible as he’ll be missing her. I’ve always found mumsnet a good place for day to day practical queries and advice as they come up too. Best of luck to you and your son.

Wow that’s a surprise ending to your post. Your poor little boy. He’s going to find this change of custody devastating, he will need a lot of patience and love.

You should seriously consider taking holiday or parental leave from work, and ask to reduce your hours for a while, to help him settle in. You might need to anyway if you can’t immediately find a good childcare setting with space.

I wish you the best of luck, for your little boy’s sake.

Also I would ask the court to make an arrangement for when your son starts school, so you have an agreement ready for holidays etc. Make sure the agreement covers Christmas, birthdays.

Just to add to the above list when you register with the GP then you will be assigned a HV - contact them explain your concerns and ask for a development review and a referral for a hearing test and to SaLT.

I wouldn’t be looking at toilet training until he is settled at his new home.

What month is his birthday? You need to look around at schools and apply before Christmas time (varies per area). If he a summer born child then you can delay entry into reception by a year. As he has a speech delay this maybe worth considering.

All the above - plus you will probably need to apply for a school place by October 31st this year if he is due to start school in September 2022? (Assuming you are in England). Children start school in the September following their 4th birthday here, and you have to apply for a place a year beforehand. Google how to apply via your local council website.

It sounds as though your son's needs may have been neglected somewhat by his mum, so I would think about addressing his lack of speech and lack of potty-training. Again, you can google this and there are loads of books and websites to help you. Once you have him registered with your GP you can ask the Health Visitor for advice too, although this can be a bit hit and miss!

Also check whether he has had his vaccinations - if he hasn't, and you want him to have them, you will need to arrange these with your GP surgery / health visitor as well.

Are you eligible to claim Child Benefit? If so, do it!

And I would really focus on your son's emotional needs. It doesn't sound as though he has had the easiest start in life and he will need lots of support while he adjusts to you being his main carer, and missing his mum.

In terms of Christmas contact, I would be very clear on what you want, for us we do 12 Christmas eve to 12 boxing day. This means DC don't have to travel on Christmas day and we just move our Christmas day to when the DC are at home.

I would anticipate his behaviour being difficult around transitions particularly to begin with and just remember to be very understanding. I always had a transition activity ready when DD came home no matter what time of day it was. I'd get her a bubble bath ready some fresh clothes and a puzzle or other quiet activity where we would chat and this really seemed to settle her.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all the advice. There is so much here I'd not thought of and need to.

Azerothi - On the basis I'd asked for shared travelling I think that should be the case if I'm given custody.

Uwantcauliflowercheese - on the last two handovers a man who I don't know did the handovers not my ex so I'm guessing yes. I'm told it's not my business. Your list is super helpful.

Wishing3 - bringing his current home conforts is a good call.

CustodyCreams - taking time off to help make arrangements is an excellent suggestion.

Pissinthepottypleaae - What's HP? Arranging for a development review is a good call.

BenjiMcShenzie - registering for school wow yes thank you.

@DavidM1965 I think you need to give very serious consideration to taking a year out of work.

From what you say, he needs a huge amount of input, however poorly you think he has been cared for, moving to you will be very traumatic for him. He will need to learn to feel safe and secure with you. He needs time with you.
Good luck

Thank you Ted27. I'm afraid taking a year of work is not financially an option.

OP as long as you are told the name of the person doing the handovers - get this in your Child Arrangements Order and ask for 7 days notice in writing (email) of the full name of the person - and your son isn't distressed when being handed over to them, then you need to let it go. This is because if your ex-wife attacked you and you reported her to the police then she would have been advised by lawyers and possibly the police to stay away from you.

Where will your son be while you are working? What childcare provision is there in your area? What family support do you have? If he has special needs (which you suggest) that could affect his schooling, how is that going to fit in with your career?

HV = health visitor. Specialist in small children and their families. Arranged through the doctors surgery usually, I think (mine was anyway). Good ones can be incredibly helpful.

It sounds like you will need lots of support. Will social services remain involved?

In regards to childcare lots of childcare providers take new children on in September.

Look at both nurseries and childminders for childcare.

When you look a nurseries try to find out how long individual staff members have been there as some nurseries have a high turnover of staff and whether they have experience of children with varying special needs and disabilities. I'm not saying your son has either but the nursery workers will be more patient with him.

When you look at childminders choose someone who has done it for years, someone who has older children and again someone who can work with children with special needs. Only because they are less likely to be off with their own sick children as you want as much consistency as possible for your son.

After previous discussions with social services, I'm a bit scared of them; even though nothing came of the false accusations, it was still not a great experience.

If you do get full custody of your son expect him to regress in his development somewhat. Its perfectly normal for young children to do this when faced with big changes especially changes to their living arrangements.
I also wouldn't delay school entry as it will give him structure and access to a lot of extra support for you both.
My son wasn't really speaking when he started school but he has daily speech and language input and is coming on a treat (he's autistic)

[quote Ted27]@DavidM1965 I think you need to give very serious consideration to taking a year out of work.

From what you say, he needs a huge amount of input, however poorly you think he has been cared for, moving to you will be very traumatic for him. He will need to learn to feel safe and secure with you. He needs time with you.
Good luck[/quote]
And back in the real world.....

Oh and as soon as you get your son start talking to other parents you randomly meet whether it is when you are taking him to the park or in a cafe.

Unfortunately most playgroups which normally happen in churches or community centres aren't back up and running. They are normally run by older women who can sign post you to services if you need help.

I'd be wearing a body cam each and every time the mum comes to collect the son. Might seem OTT but you don't want any more fake accusations, and she clearly has form.

First thing is really good childcare. If you are working full time:

Is there a workplace nursery? This is often a good option as it will co-incide with your office hours.

If not, local nursery. I’m saying nursery as a group setting may help more with speech, communication and potty training, peer pressure can be a wonderful thing!

Private nursery may be the best option and they will do early- late hours, rather than the 9-3 of a school.

Other options, childminder or nanny. Possibly more flexible, and may be willing to do out of hours. Depends on your job.

Also scope out local fb pages for babysitters. While a local 18 year old shouldn’t be your main childcare, the odd occasion if you’re working late or want to go out or just get a break they can be invaluable. Many nursery staff will moonlight for this as well.

Get advice on salary sacrifice for childcare vouchers.

In the short term, as pp have said take as much a/l, parenting leave or unpaid leave as you can manage in the initial months.

Depending on salary and what kind of job you do it can sometimes be worth going PT for a few years, if you are low income universal credit may top up for childcare etc.

Lastly, claim child maintenance from your ex once you have him with you and settled.

I'd be wearing a body cam each and every time the mum comes to collect the son. Might seem OTT but you don't want any more fake accusations, and she clearly has form.

Please don't do this.

If you are worried about your ex-wife's behaviour then ask the Court for handovers to be done in a public place. You will need to give the addresses of a couple of places and you should choose ones that you know have cameras, so have them written down before you go to Court.

The advantage of that is that she won't be able to come near your home as she will have no reason to.

@HmmmmmmInteresting

And in the real world, this child needs stability and security, and not to go through a traumatizing experience to be placed in childcare.
Many women are left in similar situations and are unable to work because of the needs of their children and have to manage

@DavidM1965

How seriously have you looked into taking time out - benefits entitlements for example, mortgage holidays, your son may be entitled to Disability Living Allowance, there is therefore potential for you to claim carers allowance

@Reallyreallyborednow childminders and nannies are not the same thing.

A childminder is a small group setting where children are looked after in the childminders house. Childminders are OFSTED registered and have to follow the early years curriculum. They may do longer hours than a nursery e.g. start earlier or they may do the same hours. You don't employ a childminder as they are self-employed. If they have a car it is is theirs, and they have to insure it to take your child and others around in it. A good childminder is known in the local community as she (it is normally she) will be taking her mindees out and about in the day. She may also have pets.

A nanny looks after child(ren) in your home, or if you do a nanny share in the other child(ren)'s home. You employ a nanny and are responsible for their tax, NI and holiday pay. Nannies don't have to be OFSTED registered so don't have to follow the early years curriculum, and may expect you to provide a car for their use. They can be more flexible in working hours as you employ them.