Single 56-year-old Dad with a 3-year-old son looking for advice

[DavidM1965]

Hello, I'm new here, and this post will be very long, so I apologise in advance. I hope I've posted this in the right place (admins feel free to move if not) and that I can get some advice, please.

I'm 56 years of age, work full time, and after six miscarriages, three each with two partners, I was blessed with a son.

I live in Bedford with no family local parental network support. My parents live up north and are in there eighties and my brother also lives up north.

Following our sons birth, my ex was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Following successful medical support and treatment she got better but decided she wanted a divorce which she applied for and has now been finalised.

On this Thursday, 12th August, I have a final Child Access Court Hearing. It's been ongoing for two years. This is because my ex has made many false accusations about me, such as physically abusing my son, not bathing him, not changing his nappy, not feeding him, the list goes on.

Our son is nearly three and a half now. He doesn't speak; well, he says gibberish; he knows what he's saying at least, and he's not potty trained.

As mentioned I live in Bedford and my ex moved to Nottingham 100 miles away. Due to the distance only see our son every other weekend. My ex refuses to do any of the travelling so I make the two trips to collect and return him. This adds up to a total of 400 miles, 8-hour journeys over the two days.

Included in the child access request I’m making is to have my son every other weekend, alternate birthdays, Christmas, holidays and for both parents to share the travelling.

On one occasion, my ex physically assaulted me, scratching my bare chest and back, drawing blood. The cuts took several months to heal; mentally, it took a little longer. This was reported to the police. Because I reported the assault, my ex stopped me seeing our son for three months. Just as the police decided to prosecute my ex reinstated contact. Fearful of her preventing me from seeing our son again, I instructed the police not to prosecute.

She has on a number of occasions reported me to Child Services, the Police, and Caffcass for abusing our son. On all occasions and all accounts, they found there was no case to answer.

I have this morning received a copy of her child access statement for Thursday's court hearing. In it, she repeats all the accusations mentioned above and claims the cuts I received in the assault, I'd made myself.

The big shock in the statement I received this morning, my ex is requesting the court to give me full custody and for her to see our son every other weekend. For our son's best interest, I'm going to agree to this; of course, the final decision will be down to the judge on Thursday. But if the judge does give me full custody, where do I start? What do I need to think about?

I'm a little in shock after everything that's gone on these last two years, and I guess I'm asking for help to focus.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any advice you may have.

DH - Dear Husband
DW - Dear wife

STBEX - soon to be ex husband
STBEW - soon to be ex wife

DSIL - Dear sister in law
DBIL - Dear brother in law

MIL - Mother in Law
FIL - Father in law

DSS - Dear step son
DSD - Dear step daughter

SHL - Shit hot lawyer

BLW - Baby Led Weaning

EBF - Exclusively breast fed

Make sure you get you son's passport, OP.

LO - Little one i.e. I was at the park with my LO

GF - Girlfriend
BF - Boyfriend

Get in touch with Gingerbread, there may be a support group in your area.

I'd say definitely get in touch with Health visitor for advice and support. He should have been invited for his preschool jabs so worth trying to find out if he's had those and get them organised if not. A good nursery or childminder will definitely be a great help.

I've got a 3.5yo too and it's hard work! Loads of exercise (playground buddy is a good app to find loads of places to explore) and a good routine helps us, but you'll find your way. Don't forget to look after yourself too.

I don't have much to add to what everyone else is saying except that nanny is probably going to be better for your son if you can afford it than a childminder/nursery given his needs (at least at first). They'll look after him in his home environment and take him to preschool groups to socialise if he's comfortable with that.

Could you maybe drop a day at work? So do a 4-day week?

Small point, but in your shoes I'd buy a double bed for your DS's room if you can fit it in. His whole life is going to be upturned and it would be amazing if that didn't affect his sleep. You may end up having to cuddle to sleep or co-sleep most nights and it will be easier if you're both comfortable.

You could ask the judge to make a family assistance order for a year which would require Cafcass to help and support you during this transition (I hear you when you say you are wary about social services, although they can be ordered to assist instead).

These orders are not commonly made, but a strange situation like this with a transfer of your son's primary home, his clear vulnerabilities and the potential difficulties with contact that we can all anticipate, it seems like a very good idea for you and your son to have someone to rely on while things settle down.

'Of course, at my age, there will be little to no chance of finding a new partner. I mean, at my age, most women will have grown-up children and won't want to go through all this again. Having my son and seeing him grow up in front of me every day will be worth it, I hope.'

Your son will be very vulnerable. Please put relationships out of your mind, for now.

I hope I'm wrong here, but is there any chance she is not serious about this? That she is hoping you will not be in a position to have your son fulltime? It is so late in the day to give you this information that I seriously wonder if she thinks you will have to say no and that she can then use that as an excuse to block future contact. I do hope not, it would be a very stupid thing for her to do, but based on what you have said about her, could it be a possibility?
I sincerely wish you and your D's all the best and think you've had some wonderful advice here. Hope it goes well on Thursday.

Thinking of you, and hoping things go well on Thursday.
You may find a wealth of folk to help you, esp if full custody, there are ( so I’m told) Facebook groups and stuff.
Hopefully you’ll befriend folk on gingerbread and give you the help you need.
Maybe in time a cat would be great, easy to care for, very loving , and would prob be good for you both

GF - Girlfriend

Can also be grandfather.

GP can be your doctor but can also be grandparent.

SS - social services but the fact it is the same as a WWII institution is not lost on many.

Just a quick one re the toys and bedding, don't wash the bedding, it will smell familiar to your DS (dear son) whether that is consciously or unconsciously.

Good luck on Thursday.

This place is a nest of vipers but a very supportive one. Don't be a stranger whether you get your son FT (full time) or not you will always find someone on here with advice.

Wow! I hope Thursday goes well for you.
You've had a lot of practical advice here. Have you spoken to your employer about what is going on at the moment? If not, then you might want to speak to them to see if they would be willing to offer you some support. Parental leave is unpaid but they might be willing to give you some discretionary pay. Also consider your working hours and how you might be able to flex them to best suit your needs.

Once your little boy comes to live with you, try and get involved in as much kid based activity as you can. Clubs, classes etc. It will help you build a support network and make parent friends. Also your son will meet kids and have friends to play with.

Best of luck with it all. Kids are hard work but they are wonderful.

I think a lot of information available to help parents who are adopting may be useful to you although obviously it isn't an adoption. Maybe something for you to Google and take bits and pieces of advice that suit you from what you find.

Just posting to say good luck. You sound like a caring dad who has been through the mill. The fact that you are open to seeking advice and support means you're unlikely to go too far wrong. It's very tricky being a single parent, but also completely and utterly worth it.
The wise ones of mumsnet have already given all the practic advice I can think of, plus lots more besides. I just want to add that you also need to remember to look after yourself. Find little moments of sanity in your routine, and when the routine changes as it frequently will, remember to build in alternative moments of 'you time'. They don't have to be big.
And also remember that if you feel it's too much or you can't cope, we have all felt like that at times. You will get through it with support.
Repeat the mantra 'its all a phase'.
Good luck.

Just a quick post to say good luck. I hope everything goes well for you on Thursday.

Good luck for today @DavidM1965

Good luck for today, OP.

In terms of childcare, he will be eligible for the 30 hours free and working parents can also claim 20% tax relief on fees.

www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

If your son is starting school in a years time, you need to prepare him. You say his communication isn't good and he isn't properly toilet trained so you need to work on that. Speak to doctor, speak to social services and simply say, you are new to being a full time dad, what support is available? If you work and can't take time off, then you need to decide on childcare - nursery, childminder, nanny? I think, someone in the house, giving childcare, might work best for you, if you can afford it. It could help your son settle in better to his new home environment.

Another one wishing you all the best, good luck!

Good luck today OP

The judge asked my ex why after all this time, she was prepared to give me full custody. My ex said she couldn't do the shared travelling (2x 4 hour round trips between Bedford and Nottingham) due to shift work on Sunday nights, and she couldn't afford it.

My ex asked the judge to either leave the travelling all for me to do or give me full custody.

I referenced the Doctors letter that I'd be included in my statement pack highlighting the medical conditions and symptoms of IBS (uncontrollable need to go to the toilet, cramping pain and discomfort) and Diabetes (tiredness), making long-distance driving very difficult for me and to be avoided where possible. I stated driving under these conditions would not be able n our sins best to interest.The Judge could not find the letter so I read it out. The judge, as did Caffcass, was dismissive of my health conditions.

I said I'd happily have full custody. I said every time I dropped our son off on a Sunday my ex was present and not working. I mentioned the many times my ex refused to collect our son even when she only worked 10 mins away from me in Bedford and that this suggested it isn't about shift work or costs.

The judge decided the travelling arrangements is not for the court to decide on; that needs to be left to us to agree.

The judge closed the case saying he'd order our son to be made available for me to have every other weekend, alternative Christmas, and alternative birthdays.and would leave the travelling arrangement and holidays for us to sort out.

Setting aside my health, this judgement means every other weekend, over the two days I have our son, I have to spend 8 hours of that time driving instead of spending it with our son.

I'm bemused, disappointed and deptessed that the Judge will not see or accept that this judgement seriously impacts the amount of quality time our son spends with me, his father.

Am I wrong to feel the system is biased towards mothers?

I'm so sorry OP x

I'm sorry to hear that . I think the system can be biased towards the status quo (usually the mother), since there's an assumption that's best for the child.

It seems strange the fact she was willing to give up custody of her child rather than share the driving wasn't seen as more of an indication of the lack of interest in her child's welfare. But I am no expert on family court.

It looks like the judge didn’t want to remove the boy from his mother/home/extended family/school etc.

If she is saying it’s literally just the travelling, then yes I suppose that’s the issue to be agreed upon.