Single 56-year-old Dad with a 3-year-old son looking for advice

[DavidM1965]

Hello, I'm new here, and this post will be very long, so I apologise in advance. I hope I've posted this in the right place (admins feel free to move if not) and that I can get some advice, please.

I'm 56 years of age, work full time, and after six miscarriages, three each with two partners, I was blessed with a son.

I live in Bedford with no family local parental network support. My parents live up north and are in there eighties and my brother also lives up north.

Following our sons birth, my ex was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Following successful medical support and treatment she got better but decided she wanted a divorce which she applied for and has now been finalised.

On this Thursday, 12th August, I have a final Child Access Court Hearing. It's been ongoing for two years. This is because my ex has made many false accusations about me, such as physically abusing my son, not bathing him, not changing his nappy, not feeding him, the list goes on.

Our son is nearly three and a half now. He doesn't speak; well, he says gibberish; he knows what he's saying at least, and he's not potty trained.

As mentioned I live in Bedford and my ex moved to Nottingham 100 miles away. Due to the distance only see our son every other weekend. My ex refuses to do any of the travelling so I make the two trips to collect and return him. This adds up to a total of 400 miles, 8-hour journeys over the two days.

Included in the child access request I’m making is to have my son every other weekend, alternate birthdays, Christmas, holidays and for both parents to share the travelling.

On one occasion, my ex physically assaulted me, scratching my bare chest and back, drawing blood. The cuts took several months to heal; mentally, it took a little longer. This was reported to the police. Because I reported the assault, my ex stopped me seeing our son for three months. Just as the police decided to prosecute my ex reinstated contact. Fearful of her preventing me from seeing our son again, I instructed the police not to prosecute.

She has on a number of occasions reported me to Child Services, the Police, and Caffcass for abusing our son. On all occasions and all accounts, they found there was no case to answer.

I have this morning received a copy of her child access statement for Thursday's court hearing. In it, she repeats all the accusations mentioned above and claims the cuts I received in the assault, I'd made myself.

The big shock in the statement I received this morning, my ex is requesting the court to give me full custody and for her to see our son every other weekend. For our son's best interest, I'm going to agree to this; of course, the final decision will be down to the judge on Thursday. But if the judge does give me full custody, where do I start? What do I need to think about?

I'm a little in shock after everything that's gone on these last two years, and I guess I'm asking for help to focus.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any advice you may have.

"Is he on his mother's passport?"

I don't think that that happens anymore.

I believe he has his own passport.

'Of course, at my age, there will be little to no chance of finding a new partner. I mean, at my age, most women will have grown-up children and won't want to go through all this again. Having my son and seeing him grow up in front of me every day will be worth it, I hope.'
My mum died when I was a child, my dad remarried later and became a dad again at the age of 56! You never know what might happen! He was a very sweet man and clearly someone thought he was a catch! The answer is ;you never know.

I've been a full time single parent who works full time since my son was 8 months old, he is almost 6 now.
I would advise you start looking at local childminders or part-time nannies eg Koru Kids to provide you with some flexible and more personal childcare support.

Childcare is very expensive , how comfortable are you financially?

Such an abrupt turn around from your ex. Is there a potential that she is at risk for suicide? I had a feeling that "giving away possessions*" was one of the risk factors.

• not that a child is a possession obviously.

If she is at risk, the child is better off with you, but someone should be checking on her too.

I'd talk to your employer's HR department, you will be entitled to some parental leave. Some employers have more generous schemes than statute. Also talk to them about flexible working and if you are in a union ask them what help is available.

You do not have much time to get things sorted and I think the only thing you can do at this stage is arrive in court with a plan.

A letter from your employer saying how much leave you are entitled to. Do they have a 'leave of absence' policy?

Contacts with nurseries / child minders / child care providers.

Do you have a workplace pension? If so contact pension wise, you may be able to take some of your pension pot to allow you to reduce work hours.

Obviously we have no idea of your income so check any benefits you may be entitled to. Try different scenarios, not just where you are now, see what you would get if you gave up work completely, worked part time etc etc.

Horrible one to think about but as sole parent what happens if you were to die or become ill? Do you have a will?

It sounds as if your ex realises your ds would be better with you. I hope it works out ok. Idk how much support you can get from SS but if your ds is suffering or you are struggling, I would suggest finding a child psychologist if you can afford it. They can come to your home setting and will help you to support your ds as well as to support you.

As for your ds as he isn’t speaking, do you know why? I imagine you’re going to need referrals to speech specialists. And don’t be afraid to be a squeaky wheel when asking for help from any services. Good luck!

Horrible one to think about but as sole parent what happens if you were to die or become ill? Do you have a will?

Think about life insurance. Workplace/union/pension provider/bank may have policies they can offer, or be able to advise. When things have settled down a bit, worth having a chat with the bank about long term financial planning, too.

You will be able to get 20% of the childcare back from tax free childcare (as long as you earn less than £100,000 a year) and also will be eligible for 30 free hours at nursery in term time.

Just google the tax free childcare site to set up an account - it’s very easy!

I really can't see SS helping the OP. Unless he lives in an area where they haven't got much on. He wouldn't meet any kind of threshold for intervention.
Its not clear if DS's delays are due to environment or a special need. Speech delay won't get him DLA.
I understand you can't take a year off work. Good, stable childcare will help your son settle but you can't mitigate against all trauma. Its going to happen and you will have to deal with it day to day.
I would read up on some adoption resources around settling in, building resilience and attachment. I am sure you will get some good tips.
Check if you are entitled to working tax credits and tax relief on childcare. Your employers might do vouchers. Talk to HR about what is going on. They might be able to help you out.
Good idea from PP about contacting your local Health Visiting Team.
Good luck

Do you have representation in court? I would be concerned about the sudden change of mind and I think the people involved in writing the reports would too?

Does your DS have SEN have you considered what support you will need for this as you have no family support, and whether you may have to reduce your working hours? Perhaps your ex already has DLA for him, if so you will need to change PR and this may also entitle you to some extra benefit depending on your income and housing tenure.

Also even if you are entitled to 30 hours bear in mind if he does have SEN not all nursery’s will provide 30 hours, particularly if they can’t fund any extra support needed.

I can't really give you much more advice than other people have offered you, but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. You sound like you want the best for your son and that's all that's needed. Your instinct will guide you in the right direction! Ask around for some recommendations on nursery places, definitely, and visit a few if possible to get a feel for them. It'll do wonders for his social skills. You should be entitled to 30 hours free childcare since you're working. You'll both be fine once he's had the opportunity to settle in with you permanently.

God luck with it all OP

Thank so much everything me. I'll let you know the outcome from Thursday’s court hearing.

@TheFirstMrsDV

I really can't see SS helping the OP. Unless he lives in an area where they haven't got much on. He wouldn't meet any kind of threshold for intervention. Its not clear if DS's delays are due to environment or a special need. Speech delay won't get him DLA. I understand you can't take a year off work. Good, stable childcare will help your son settle but you can't mitigate against all trauma. Its going to happen and you will have to deal with it day to day. I would read up on some adoption resources around settling in, building resilience and attachment. I am sure you will get some good tips. Check if you are entitled to working tax credits and tax relief on childcare. Your employers might do vouchers. Talk to HR about what is going on. They might be able to help you out. Good idea from PP about contacting your local Health Visiting Team. Good luck

I’d be floored if SS was bit already heavily involved given what’s been going on between the parents

And I think SS will be involved even if the OP doesn’t actively ask

Just remembered!
When you claim child benefit you may well find that your ex is still claiming it. As only one parent can get it you will have to prove that he is living with you for the majority.
Be prepared for your ex kicking off when 'her' money stops.

We have been in a (different, but similar) situation, where my DH was granted custody of both my DSDs.

All the points above are really useful - I would add to be open with your son's new school about the situation when the time comes. The girl's schools were both absolutely brilliant in the early days of settling them in, they both spoke lots to their class teachers and we gained valuable insight into fears and worries that we might not have done otherwise.

You will both be wonderful, just take your time and expect bumps along the road. All your DS needs to know is that he is loved and you are there unconditionally, and he (and you!) will be fine.

I'd really recommend you join the therapeutic parenting group on Facebook.
Reading between the lines here, his relationship with his mum may not have given him the best start and children who have experienced traumatic events ( and even transferring from living with his mum to living with you could be traumatic) sometimes show behaviours that mimic SEN but are actually the result of trauma. The group will help you with any behaviour issues and give advice on how to respond in a way that helps deal with the trauma.
Expect your boy to behave like a younger child because of the upset this transition may cause and don't worry about babying him a bit. He may even regress a bit from where he is now at first.
It is really important that he bring some familiar things with him, especially any cuddly toy that he is very attached to. Things like familiar bedding could also be helpful.
I think you sound like such a caring Dad and I hope all goes well for you.

I’ve not read everyone else’s replies so sorry if I’m repeating but have you thought about moving further up North?
It means you’ll be closer to your family for more support and you won’t be travelling so far to your ex’s.

Forgive me but while I kind of get the gist of all the abbreviations being used, what do they all mean? DS, DD, etc

I’ve read the first page of comments here and you’ve been given some very helpful advice. Sorry if someone has covered this already, but the one thing I didn’t immediately see mentioned is free hours for childcare - you would be entitled to 30 free hours in term time as he is over 3 but you will need to apply via HMRC. Your chosen nursery/childminder should be able to help with how to go about this.

I did see someone mention salary sacrifice childcare vouchers. I think those schemes are closed to new entrants but you can access the tax free childcare scheme which achieves more or less the same saving outcome. This is in addition to the free hours scheme.

DS - Dear Son
DD - Dear Daughter

There are a multitude of them, don't worry you will catch on

Re being worried about SS
They have no concerns, as you have said. You will have full custody, they are there to support you and your son.

If it turns out he does have SEN in future, you will continue to have contact with a lot of professionals. They will support you to support your son

What a lot to get your head round. I am sure you will do brilliantly with your DS.