Single 56-year-old Dad with a 3-year-old son looking for advice

[DavidM1965]

Hello, I'm new here, and this post will be very long, so I apologise in advance. I hope I've posted this in the right place (admins feel free to move if not) and that I can get some advice, please.

I'm 56 years of age, work full time, and after six miscarriages, three each with two partners, I was blessed with a son.

I live in Bedford with no family local parental network support. My parents live up north and are in there eighties and my brother also lives up north.

Following our sons birth, my ex was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Following successful medical support and treatment she got better but decided she wanted a divorce which she applied for and has now been finalised.

On this Thursday, 12th August, I have a final Child Access Court Hearing. It's been ongoing for two years. This is because my ex has made many false accusations about me, such as physically abusing my son, not bathing him, not changing his nappy, not feeding him, the list goes on.

Our son is nearly three and a half now. He doesn't speak; well, he says gibberish; he knows what he's saying at least, and he's not potty trained.

As mentioned I live in Bedford and my ex moved to Nottingham 100 miles away. Due to the distance only see our son every other weekend. My ex refuses to do any of the travelling so I make the two trips to collect and return him. This adds up to a total of 400 miles, 8-hour journeys over the two days.

Included in the child access request I’m making is to have my son every other weekend, alternate birthdays, Christmas, holidays and for both parents to share the travelling.

On one occasion, my ex physically assaulted me, scratching my bare chest and back, drawing blood. The cuts took several months to heal; mentally, it took a little longer. This was reported to the police. Because I reported the assault, my ex stopped me seeing our son for three months. Just as the police decided to prosecute my ex reinstated contact. Fearful of her preventing me from seeing our son again, I instructed the police not to prosecute.

She has on a number of occasions reported me to Child Services, the Police, and Caffcass for abusing our son. On all occasions and all accounts, they found there was no case to answer.

I have this morning received a copy of her child access statement for Thursday's court hearing. In it, she repeats all the accusations mentioned above and claims the cuts I received in the assault, I'd made myself.

The big shock in the statement I received this morning, my ex is requesting the court to give me full custody and for her to see our son every other weekend. For our son's best interest, I'm going to agree to this; of course, the final decision will be down to the judge on Thursday. But if the judge does give me full custody, where do I start? What do I need to think about?

I'm a little in shock after everything that's gone on these last two years, and I guess I'm asking for help to focus.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any advice you may have.

@Reallyreallyborednow you may know this all already but the OP probably doesn't.

Incidentally my DD was potty trained via peer pressure as she befriended an older girl at her CM.

Oh and if the OP uses a CM very near his home then there is the possibility that the same CM could be used to do the school run for him in a year or so. My CM has had a few kids that she has looked after from babyhood until they left primary school.

@Reallyreallyborednow childminders and nannies are not the same thing

Yes I am aware . My point was childminders and nannies may be more flexible than nurseries which generally have set hours.

We don’t know the o/p’s job so I wasn’t going to go through every variable.

Make sure you claim the child benefit.

I've just completed the benefits calculator on gingerbread website and the only benefit I can claim is Child Benifit £21.15 per week.

Look up paid parental leave. Don't know if this is from your employer or the UK govt.

Would your son be moving in straight away after the Thursday? He's obviously used to seeing you regularly which is good but any time you could take off work to settle him in would be beneficial. Going part time might be worth considering too if you can afford to. You need to register him with your GP as soon as he moves in. I would think about trying to get a speech therapy referral in the near future too.
As an adopter we tried to keep our son's routine as similar as possible when he moved to us, used the same bedding, tried to feed him food he was used to etc although that might be difficult if you can't speak to your ex.

Honestly op

I would say that you are over the moon

And ask for social services help to support the transition

They will help you enormously.

Have a look see if you will be eligible for some support from a home start volunteer to help you find your feet.

Just wanted to say that your DS is lucky to have you, and to wish you both the best of luck going forward. You'll be learning together, and it doesn't have to be Insta-perfect from day 1 - most people get things wrong and end up dressing kids in an adult's t-shirt or giving them toast for dinner or any of the other million things that real people do. Being loved, being safe and having your undivided attention is more important imo.

I would say a transition period would be ideal. If you think you feel shocked by the sudden change imagine how your child feels.
I would also start to think about nursery’s that have a good SEN provision to help him with his communication.

You have a statutory right to take up to 4 weeks (unpaid) parental leave per child per year up to a maximum of 18 weeks before the child reaches 18. Your employer has to give it to you although they can offer you different dates to what you ask for if your dates are not operationally feasible.

I would seriously take this 4 weeks unpaid and use some annual leave to help your boy settle in.

Remember that you also have the right to request flexible working if you need to eg start/ finish work at certain times to reduce your hours. It's the right to request so your employer can reject your request or maybe offer a compromise if it doesn't work for the business.

I presume you are claiming child maintenance from your ex?

@tara66

I presume you are claiming child maintenance from your ex?

I was just wondering this as well.

Hope all works out for you Op.

Thank you, everyone. The support I'm receiving here is phenomenal and very much appreciated.

It has undoubtedly helped focus me and given me lots to think about.

I'm nervous and scared but excited at the same time.

Nervous because I want to be the best dad I can be.

Scared because I don't know if I can cope.

I am excited because if the judge does give me full custody, I'll have him permanently and no longer feel like I'm in bereavement every time I take him back.

Of course, at my age, there will be little to no chance of finding a new partner. I mean, at my age, most women will have grown-up children and won't want to go through all this again. Having my son and seeing him grow up in front of me every day will be worth it, I hope.

Yes, if the judge gives me full custody on Thursday, I'll claim child maintenance, but I know it won't be much. My ex is self-employed, and I'm pretty sure she will, as in other court proceedings, not decare her total income.

@DavidM1965

Thank you, everyone. The support I'm receiving here is phenomenal and very much appreciated.

It has undoubtedly helped focus me and given me lots to think about.

I'm nervous and scared but excited at the same time.

Nervous because I want to be the best dad I can be.

Scared because I don't know if I can cope.

I am excited because if the judge does give me full custody, I'll have him permanently and no longer feel like I'm in bereavement every time I take him back.

Of course, at my age, there will be little to no chance of finding a new partner. I mean, at my age, most women will have grown-up children and won't want to go through all this again. Having my son and seeing him grow up in front of me every day will be worth it, I hope.

The fact you want to be a good parent speaks volumes.

Also I wouldn't dismiss finding someone. Lots of women who are mid 40s will have young children of a similar age and still in that stage of their life. Some women have kids a lot later now. Don't rule it out (although I get it's probably not going to be a priority within the next year or so).

I don't think your age is a great barrier to finding a partner - many women are good with DSC; you might meet someone with child/children, even in your child's age group - good luck.

@IceLace100

I'd be wearing a body cam each and every time the mum comes to collect the son. Might seem OTT but you don't want any more fake accusations, and she clearly has form.

From what we’ve been told I agree. I can’t help thinking there is so much more to this than we are being told though.

That must have been a surprise considering all the times she has accused you of being an unfit father! Your head must have been spinning! As a pp said it would probably be a good idea to take some time off. The difficulty will be if the move doesn't happen immediately. Speak to your boss, have a candid discussion and see of you can take some parental leave when needed, and at short notice.

Try to keep in touch with SS, they should be able to support through the transition or provide links to useful organisations in your area.

It may also be worth looking at the possibility of reducing your hours at work. You may then also qualify for more benefits to top up your earnings whilst you and your DS find your feet together, even if it is just until he starts full time school. As someone else said, also check benefits with your workplace such as childcare vouchers and also think about starting a CSA claim (or whatever it is called now) from your ex.

Most of all don't put too much pressure on yourself to get everything perfect. Every single parent spends every day learning and nobody gets it right every time. On the worst days when work has been awful, the kids have been a nightmare and I have burnt the dinner I make sure to remind myself that today was just one day out of our lives, and tomorrow is a whole new day! We all stumble.

Although nothing is a done deal until the judge delivers his verdict, I wish you luck, joy and happiness with your son.

@DavidM1965

Just to say- although the benefits calculators won’t show you eligible for anything now, when you add in childcare costs this may very well change. You can generally claim up to 85% of childcare costs as a single parent unless your earnings are rather high, through Universal Credit (to give you an idea, my salary was over £30k pa and I was eligible for some UC support for childcare).

It's not a given that you won't find anyone-but give your son a good few years of just you first!

You’ve had some great advice on here id echo finding a good nursery. A routine and peers to make friends with and learn with as well as support from nursery staff is likely to be good for you both. As another poster said, you’ll need to start thinking about school. Check your local authority’s website to see when you need to apply by and how. Check out your local schools - go and visit them.

I know you’re a bit scared. That’s only natural. You’ll soon learn everything you need to. That’s all any of us are doing - our best. You’ll cope. By doing all you have so far and asking these questions is a very good indicator that you’ll get on fine. There’s likely to be good and not so good days - all part of parenting!

This seems like quite a change of heart from your ex, please look after yourself in all this, I hope she doesn't snatch it all away from you at the last minute.
Good luck, sounds like your boy is lucky to have you. You're going to have a tricky few months ahead but you sound like you'll do what it takes to make it all work out.

Make sure you get your son's birth certificate or apply for a copy of his birth certificate. Is he on his mother's passport ?

Ask for his vaccination history. There's a, 'red book' that should have his up to date vaccinations in it. That might come with his medical notes if you get full custody and he will need to register with a Dr. near his new home.

Don’t rule out a good nursery attached to a school. They may have better access to SEND support if they share a SENDCO with the school and it would be a smaller leap to school if it’s in the same building.

Start reading up on EHCPs in case you need to go down that route.