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Original poster

My Ex has not allowed me to see my daugher

129 replies

Park14 · 02/07/2021 18:06

My ex husband came home one day (three years ago) and send he wanted to be on his own. My world fell a part and he served me divorce papers on my birthday of that year. After three long years my divorce was granted and last year my father died of cancer. my dad wanted to see my daughter before he passed away and ex did not allow it. The divorced cost me thousands and has left me in so much debt. During the divorce my ex has not allowed me to see daughter since July 2020 just to hurt me and for financial gain. He has now asked for manitance from me when I earn just over 20k and he earns 150k per year. He has alienated my child away from me and no one can help. I have now applied to the court to see my daughter but i have very little faith in the system. i did nothing wrong and I was a good mother. I can no longer afford a solicitor so will be representing myself. My ex is judge and Jury himself and has not just cu me off from my daughter but all my side of the family. I am unable to function as I am in financial ruin, grieiving for my dad and trying to understand how some one so cruel can get away with this Please help

OP posts:
Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 19:49

@user1471530109

OP, contact the school office daily asking the head of year to arrange a meeting. After doing so for a week, ask to be referred to the deputy head who is in charge of pastoral care.

My advice is to get school inside with you before asking to see your dd. But wait and see if the school are any help first of all.

The school are probably aware the op doesn't see her daughter. They will have been told its the fault of the parent, wether that's part true, all true or false.

They may not even be on the contact list. Her dd may have told the school she doesn't want contact with her mum.

The school is likely to phone the father and speak to him before op and we don't know what they were told.

Imagine this, single mother has her kids in a school. The father, who isn't on the contact sheets turns up or calls wanting to meet to know about their child.

School facilitate this and facilitate contact and support him when he says how awful the mother is and a the awful stuff she has done. It turns out the family were trying to hide from the ex because he is extremely violent.

Do you see how that doesn't work?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2021 19:52

What involvement have the police had before?

How has he turned your family against you?

Why didn’t you go straight to court last July?

When you say he’ll provoke you again, do you mean there has been drama or violence in the past?

You’re obviously very upset and people here are happy to try and help advise you but it’s not clear what’s gone on which makes it difficult.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2021 19:54

Just reread. If he’s turned your family against you how are you living with your mum?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Family law General parenting Relationship problems
BewareTheBeardedDragon · 02/07/2021 19:57

Why are you scared of him OP? What, specifically, are you sacred he'll do? This is a genuine question - and one that Cafcass will almost certainly ask you when you speak to them. It is a good idea to have given the matter some thought beforehand so that you can give them a clear and honest answer.

user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 19:58

@Mayaspecialist of course I can see your point. But you are missing a spectacular one! This is not an unusual story in certain cultures. Divorced mums are pushed out of the family and community turn their back on them. Any decent school in an area like this will have this on their radar.

Not suggesting they sort this out for OP and pack her dd off with her. Not at all. Legally they would have to be very careful. But the school owe it to the OP's dd to check this out. Not to ignore the whole thing.

OP, I still think you need to follow what others have said regarding next steps along the legal route. I'd be using that equity if it were me. A solicitor you trust will be able to advise much better than anyone on here.

Original poster
Park14 · 02/07/2021 20:00

Thank you all for your advise. I will keep contacting the school as I have been doing so. I know from the one teacher that I spoke to at the school previously - she said my daugher wants both parents but I know due to parent alienation I have a fight on my hands. To be honest it should not be a fight - a child should have access to both parents but my ex has decided that his daughter does no need a mother. At the moment she has no femail relatives from his side.

OP posts:
Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 20:04

[quote user1471530109]@Mayaspecialist of course I can see your point. But you are missing a spectacular one! This is not an unusual story in certain cultures. Divorced mums are pushed out of the family and community turn their back on them. Any decent school in an area like this will have this on their radar.

Not suggesting they sort this out for OP and pack her dd off with her. Not at all. Legally they would have to be very careful. But the school owe it to the OP's dd to check this out. Not to ignore the whole thing.

OP, I still think you need to follow what others have said regarding next steps along the legal route. I'd be using that equity if it were me. A solicitor you trust will be able to advise much better than anyone on here.[/quote]
No, I am not missing get culture aspect. But schools have to act in a certain way.

If the school has this on their radar as something common in the community, they would have already raised concerns.

The fact that they haven't contacted her back, suggests they are aware she hasn't been involved.

They will her exh. Or if they raise concerns he will know.

And if hevis manipulating the dd into not wanting to see her mother, then it could do more harm than good. The dd would think her mother is trying to take her away from her father.

Its so difficult when they are older. I know, because I was where op was. The same position.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 20:05

@Park14

Thank you all for your advise. I will keep contacting the school as I have been doing so. I know from the one teacher that I spoke to at the school previously - she said my daugher wants both parents but I know due to parent alienation I have a fight on my hands. To be honest it should not be a fight - a child should have access to both parents but my ex has decided that his daughter does no need a mother. At the moment she has no femail relatives from his side.
You are absolutely right.

Its a very very difficult situation and the main loser, whatever the situation is always the kids.

mcmooberry · 02/07/2021 20:08

I am sorry you are getting a hard time here, you sound totally ground down by this man who is trying to ruin you financially and emotionally. I hope people who have been through the system can point you in the right direction that will be affordable for you. This situation isn't forever, your daughter will some day realise what her father is like, if she doesn't already.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 20:09

Oh and I am not suggesting op doesn't keep trying to contact the school. But everyone is really overstating what they will be able to do.

user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 20:09

If the school haven't contacted her back, it's because that person has dropped the ball and not doing their job. I will raise my hand and say I have sometimes been in that position and not called back.
But even if they can't or won't see the OP, they have no excuse not to say that on the phone.

Nowhere has the OP said she believes her dd doesn't want to see her? I would imagine she is very confused! At the very least the school should be aware.

toocold54 · 02/07/2021 20:11

If the school haven't contacted her back, it's because that person has dropped the ball and not doing their job. I will raise my hand and say I have sometimes been in that position and not called back.

If the school has been told the child has no contact with the mum and that’s she’s not allowed to know details then I doubt they would contact her back.

user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 20:12

OP the school won't fix this. A good school will listen to your side of the story and see how that may have impacted your dd and make contact with other agencies if necessary. I'd hope they may offer advice.

I obviously worked at an amazing school who went above and beyond (to be fair they did).

Good luck Flowers

Chocolatetrifle · 02/07/2021 20:12

You say that you have a court hearing in July, have you complied with everything you need to do? Former Solicitor here, not a family one though.

I would suggest you prepare a chronology of events, written down with dates so that you have everything Infront of you before you speak on Monday, with regards to what has happened and when.

Have you had to prepare a witness statement? Can you provide evidence of your financial means? For instance do you have bank statements available to hand? I would suggest you get those ready?

Are you clear what you are seeking? By this I mean, access, custody etc?

user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 20:13

@toocold54

If the school haven't contacted her back, it's because that person has dropped the ball and not doing their job. I will raise my hand and say I have sometimes been in that position and not called back.

If the school has been told the child has no contact with the mum and that’s she’s not allowed to know details then I doubt they would contact her back.

The school would have no basis for believing that comment unless it has legal backing. I couldn't go into my dd's school next week and ask them not to contact their dad etc.
PartridgeFeather · 02/07/2021 20:14

OP you're on the wrong forum. Most posters on here just can't understand that these vile men exist and that it really isn't as easy as "fighting for your daughter". Try and contact Match Mothers. Then google Mothers Apart and you will find a counsellor that specialises in this type of thing. Look after yourself, please, it's really important.

FWIW my ex is also from a vindictive culture where mothers are ostracised if they displease the patriarch (or matriarch). The whole clan literally turns its back on you, so you can be suitably punished by having your reputation ruined and your children taken away. It's vile, and most British women find it impossible to comprehend.

Don't give up. Your daughter will know what he's like, and how hard it is for you. She might be angry and confused now, but when she's older, she'll understand. Start talking to people and definitely tell the school. Be prepared to have to speak to a few different people/teachers because a lot of people just don't get it.

Original poster
Park14 · 02/07/2021 20:14

His family have (my ex inlaws) have disowned me not my family.

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 20:16

But again. That’s not unusual. My ex in laws did that too.

Original poster
Park14 · 02/07/2021 20:16

Thank you partridge feather

OP posts:
Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 20:16

@user1471530109

If the school haven't contacted her back, it's because that person has dropped the ball and not doing their job. I will raise my hand and say I have sometimes been in that position and not called back. But even if they can't or won't see the OP, they have no excuse not to say that on the phone.

Nowhere has the OP said she believes her dd doesn't want to see her? I would imagine she is very confused! At the very least the school should be aware.

Getting in the middle of 2 parents legal proceedings doesn't need an excuse.

You have no idea if they have dropped the ball. If this man is this awful he could have told the school the op is violent or anything.

The school, at the most would raise safeguarding concerns if they felt dd wanted to her mother, her mother was a safe parent and the dad was forcing contact to be stopped. That's it.

And that hasn't been done. And if the ex is so manipulative, in the last year, he will have also manipulated the dd. That's how these people work.

Chocolatetrifle · 02/07/2021 20:17

What happened with your previous solicitor? Did you have legal aid? Is there anyone who can help you find legal advice at all?

lovelybitofsquirrell · 02/07/2021 20:19

OP you're on the wrong forum. Most posters on here just can't understand that these vile men exist

I think that's really unfair. The ops first few post were really erratic and unclear. It's taking many questions to get to heart of the issue (tbh it's still not completely clear). Majority for posters here have tried very hard to understand and advise the op.

I personally know first hand how awful men can be, and have had to go through family courts because of this.

Chocolatetrifle · 02/07/2021 20:19

Please just ensure that you comply as much as possible with the court order as it stands in preparation for your hearing and follow through with any action you are required from your meeting on Monday.

user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 20:23

@Mayaspecialist I'm sorry but you seem upset? Apologies if I'm reading your posts wrong.

Of course if the school ignore a parent it will be a genuine mistake! If they can't talk to the OP they will tell her. And just because her xh has said such and such to the school, they won't be able to stop contact with the mum without documentation. If they believed anything the xh (which we don't even know he has said!) it will have gone down as a safeguarding concern.

Why are you so sure the school won't be in contact? Help? Advise? In my 18 years as a teacher this is exactly what they will do! Even if it's to be blunt and tell OP they can't help.

Original poster
Park14 · 02/07/2021 20:27

Thank you all . As some of you have asked I did not get much from the equity and most of what i got is going to pay my divorce costs leaving me with no more savings - as my ex was the sole bread winner. I cannot get legal aid as i am working and now i have to save as much as I can so I can try and start over.

OP posts: