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Parenting

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My Ex has not allowed me to see my daugher

129 replies

Park14 · 02/07/2021 18:06

My ex husband came home one day (three years ago) and send he wanted to be on his own. My world fell a part and he served me divorce papers on my birthday of that year. After three long years my divorce was granted and last year my father died of cancer. my dad wanted to see my daughter before he passed away and ex did not allow it. The divorced cost me thousands and has left me in so much debt. During the divorce my ex has not allowed me to see daughter since July 2020 just to hurt me and for financial gain. He has now asked for manitance from me when I earn just over 20k and he earns 150k per year. He has alienated my child away from me and no one can help. I have now applied to the court to see my daughter but i have very little faith in the system. i did nothing wrong and I was a good mother. I can no longer afford a solicitor so will be representing myself. My ex is judge and Jury himself and has not just cu me off from my daughter but all my side of the family. I am unable to function as I am in financial ruin, grieiving for my dad and trying to understand how some one so cruel can get away with this Please help

OP posts:
Justkeepleft · 02/07/2021 19:15

Op look upmsome you tube videos about narcissistic behaviour.
The way your divorce went sounds very familiar especially the financial side.
I hope that will give you tips to deal with this behaviour.

Gazelda · 02/07/2021 19:24

OP, I urge you to seek help from CAB. They would be able to unravel the situation better than this thread.
You have to put some faith in someone, so it might as well be them for a starter.
In the meantime, do you talk with her school? See her reports, go to parents evening meetings etc? This would demonstrate that you have an interest in your DD at minimum.

Fivetimes · 02/07/2021 19:25

Have you spoken with Social Services?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 02/07/2021 19:26

There must be a lot more to this than what you are telling us.

Park14 · 02/07/2021 19:28

Thank you I will look at that. It is difficult to type everything here as my story is long and I feel i am being judged (which is sole destroying) My ex mentally abused me for years and I never saw it. I am doing everything I can to get custody of my daughter on my own and i have never gone to anyone for help. This is the first time I have gone to such a forum for advise.

OP posts:
user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 19:28

OP you are getting a very hard time. The PP seem to be ignoring the fact of your culture. I believe you Flowers.

I used to teach in a school where this would not have been an unusual story. One particular family sticks in my mind. The school really supported the mum and helped and advised on what to do legally.

It's quite clear the OP is scared of her xh or at least was scared. I would imagine your solicitor was male and from the same culture? Forgive me if I'm wrong and making assumptions. It just reads like they didn't advise you correctly or support you the way I would expect. I hope I don't get blasted for that comment.

Listen to what some of these very knowledgeable PP are saying about what to fill in and what to do next. Contact the school. Ask to speak to her Head of Year. Ask for a meeting so you can fill them in on what is happening. With no legal paper work your xh can't stop you from seeing your dd and school will know this and I hope support this.

Fivetimes · 02/07/2021 19:28

Social Services have to promote contact, especially with the mother who has Parental Responsibility. They would have to have a legal basis to prevent you seeing your child. It is not up to him.

Park14 · 02/07/2021 19:31

I ring the school on a regular basis to see how she is doing as parents evening is all online. I had been sending presents to my daughter but they were returned and when I did text her many times I know it is him texting back I can tell from the text language.

OP posts:
Worldwide2 · 02/07/2021 19:34

Your daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to live.
I would go to her school to speak with her. There is no court order nothing can stop you from going to see her.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 02/07/2021 19:36

@Fivetimes

Social Services have to promote contact, especially with the mother who has Parental Responsibility. They would have to have a legal basis to prevent you seeing your child. It is not up to him.
Social services will not get involved with contact arrangements unless directed to do so by a court.
PennyRoyal · 02/07/2021 19:36

OP @Park14 You've had some really good advice here. Please go into school on Monday morning and ask for some help. Someone will be able to help you. And at the very least, you will be able to arrange to see your daughter there. If school can't help directly, they will know who can and will refer you there.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 19:37

Op it sounds like you know you haven't fought for your dd in the last year, buy don't really want to admit it.

Or you have made some mistakes and don't want to admit it. But we all have. I did.

But there's so much to this.

My advice is, don't ambush her. If you go to the house do it when he isn't there and posts a letter. Or leave something for her. If she wants to come out and see you that's great. But turning up somewhere trying to make her come to your house, could work out well or could make things worse

If he is manipulating her and you turn up somewhere and try and take her home, she could end up hating you more and itcoumd create a very dramatic scene, which won't be good for either of you.

While everything else is going on, keep trying to make contact with her. Let her know you are trying. Because, assuming he is manipulating her, she will see through it and need you someday.

You don't give up on her, ever.

However, you do need to seriously look at your own actions and see what part you could have played in this. Because many non resident parents accused the resident parent of manipulating the child being crazy, being a narcissist, using the child as a weapon etc. When actually the nrp, hasn't been interested until the RP trip so get maintenence. Which is what this looks like. A nrp, deciding they want contact because they have been asked for maintenence.

And yes you need to pay maintenence, regardless of his earnings.

Park14 · 02/07/2021 19:37

Thank you. I did leave a message for the head of year to call me - they never did. I even emailed them and I am still waiting for reply. I am very scared of my ex husband and it is not easy for me. My ex inlaws changed their telephone number and he has out cameras outside their house to stop me from coming. You have no idea what he is like. he is sikh and very cruel

OP posts:
PennyRoyal · 02/07/2021 19:39

You say you're scared and I can understand that. But it wouldn't matter how scared I was, I would fight for my daughter. Put your fears aside and find your inner strength.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 19:41

@PennyRoyal

OP *@Park14* You've had some really good advice here. Please go into school on Monday morning and ask for some help. Someone will be able to help you. And at the very least, you will be able to arrange to see your daughter there. If school can't help directly, they will know who can and will refer you there.
Schools should not be facilties visits between children and their parents.

What if a man turned up at school wanting to see the daughter he hadn't seen for a year.

If the school is aware of the whole situation re the ex abuse, or they have concerns why have they not reported this to anyone.

user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 19:44

OP, contact the school office daily asking the head of year to arrange a meeting. After doing so for a week, ask to be referred to the deputy head who is in charge of pastoral care.

My advice is to get school inside with you before asking to see your dd. But wait and see if the school are any help first of all.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 19:45

It’s not the schools job to facilitate contact.

Park14 · 02/07/2021 19:46

Thank you - i have had a hard year with my dad passing and I am still grieving and when I told my daughter she cried (before he stopped me seeing her) she was very upset. I know my daughter misses me as we did everything together. I am not as strong as some people on this forum but I am trying and each day is struggle. Because i am divorced many people - indian friends and alot of my daughers friends mum have stopped talking to me. This is our Asian culture -cruel

OP posts:
user1471530109 · 02/07/2021 19:47

OP, you're going to have to use the funds from the house equity and find another solicitor who is no connection in any way to the situation. Maybe one not so local.

As for the school, of course they can't facilitate contact as such. But any decent pastoral team will know the family enough to be asking questions about this.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 19:47

I hen I divorced many of my friends stopped talking to me. That’s not unusual.

Fivetimes · 02/07/2021 19:47

He cannot prevent you seeing your daughter. The police should be called, if he is preventing all access. She is your child too.

toocold54 · 02/07/2021 19:47

I would just concentrate on getting a court order to get regular access. After that you can contact the school as much as you like to stay updated with everything.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 19:47

*when

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 02/07/2021 19:48

The police will not be interested.

toocold54 · 02/07/2021 19:49

The divorce took 3 years and I was given have the equity of the house.

Can you not use this money for court fees?

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