Housekeeper/Nanny for Nephew (19)

[sergeilavrov]

Our DNephew (19) lives with us, and is likely to do so for some time as his business gains ground. He’s a wonderful addition to our family, and we want him to be comfortable in our home. However, we are not used to teens — our children are under 5s, and it’s obviously very different. Little things pop up, and we’re not sure if we are doing the right thing. We have no expectation or desire to have a contribution either in financial or chore terms, as we won’t be doing that with our own children.

For example, he had an early meeting and asked if we could wake him up. No problem, if he doesn’t trust the alarm. He said either 7 or 7:30am, because he both needs sleep but needs time to get up. I suggested I can wake him at 7:15am as a compromise - and he said no, just pick one. He made some comments suggesting he was worried I’d wake him early, so I knocked on his door at 7:30am. He was already awake, having set an alarm, and I let him know I’d made him his favourite breakfast (a hot meal). He showered, and emerged, and was quite frustrated that his breakfast wasn’t fresh and hot. I apologised, and explained he’s welcome to eat breakfast in his pyjamas. I worry that he doesn’t feel ‘home’ or truly comfortable here, so we are always trying to make sure he knows this is his home and he can treat it as such. He said he didn’t want to, and asked if next time I could make the breakfast five minutes before he comes out of the shower. I asked how long he usually showers, and if he could shoot me a text when he goes in, and I’ll time it out better. He said he doesn’t know, it varies. I’m not sure how to get it right?

DN’s mum has had a lot of issues, many of which only came to light since DN has moved in with us, and we entirely appreciate these will have had an impact on his behaviour. He’s done exceptionally well to move halfway across the world, start a business that is doing well during a global pandemic in a country he isn’t familiar with, and I don’t want any issues at home to detract from his growth and success. We both work full time, and my DH works from home to look after our children, but we’re now discussing getting a nanny/housekeeper primarily to help DN. Is that mad? It feels odd that at 19 we’re considering paying someone to take care of him? But I’m home infrequently, and so usually all of this is falling on DH and he is getting frustrated with the situation.

Notably, DN is sponsored by me, so it’s not as easy as simply putting him in his own house.

He's 19, tell him to buy an alarm clock and make his own breakfast.

You work ft and have actual small children to look after, at 19 and running his own business he can sort himself out.

Getting someone to look after a 19 year old is mad.

Get him to make his own breakfast. What was he used to where he lived before?

This is really strange I can't understand why this is crossing your mind?
It seems like he's a child, not 19, from your thought process about him
If you're truly happy doing things for him then carry on but that's up to you but at 19 he can things for himself!
I understand you say in your post you want him to be comfortable but this is a different level

Good grief! He’s 19, he needs to be waking himself up and making his own breakfast. He maybe feels you are fussing over him?!😬. It would be ridiculous to employ someone just to look after an adult! Does he have special needs?

.... Seriously?

He appears to be under the entirely erroneous belief that you are his personal maid.

If he's old enough to have a business, he's old enough to set his own alarm (and find an appropriate one that wakes him) and make his own bowl of cereal or bacon sarnie.

Absolutely ridiculous. When I saw the title of this thread, I assumed he had quite significant special needs or was disabled in some way. He needs to make his own breakfast...it's not a hotel! What a cheek

I literally have no idea why you think it's ok to be treated like staff in your own home.

Alarm calls, complaints that his breakfast is cold?

Tell little Lord Fauntleroy to get himself up and make his own breakfast in future.

Hmm ... Is your sister or brother's family considered socially superior to yours? Or are you simply conditioned to pander to men?

Either way - yes, it would be utter madness to employ staff to look after a 19 year old man. If your nephew is capable of starting a business in a strange country, he is more than capable of coming to terms with English culture - assuming he's planning to live here long term. 19 year olds, male or female, do not as a rule have domestic staff employed purely for them. A large proportion would be at university for most of the year, living in shared accommodation and learning to run a household themselves.

It's quite ridiculous for you to be making him breakfast. And outrageous for this spoilt princeling to imagine you would be hovering on the stairs to time the production of said breakfast. You're a working woman, not his maid!

Truly hope this is a joke, OP.

Does he have additional needs? If not why are you engaging is such pathetic behaviour from an adult ? Tell him Get up, make your own breakfast and keep the noise down!

This has to be a joke?

Sounds to me like OP wants to run around after him ...

I can only assume that there is a massive cultural issue and he’s from a culture where men are pandered to by their mothers/wives?

I’m sorry, what?? He’s an adult! Many kids are away at uni by his age, managing just fine alone. Trust me, you would be doing him a favour to teach him to stand in his own two feet.

You're obviously trying so hard to be kind and welcoming but he is taking the piss. Maybe unconsciously, if nobody has ever suggested to him before that he make his own breakfast. But you will be doing him a massive favour if you start making him look after himself a bit more because a) he will one day live on his own, or maybe with a partner who will not be as patient as you and b) he will eventually drive you as mad as he's already driving your husband and you will be desperate to kick him out.

Also you want to teach your own children to look after themselves (age appropriately obviously). It's good for their self esteem to learn to be and think of themselves as capable human beings.

My 11 year old DS gets up with his alarm, gets dressed, makes his bed and gets himself breakfast all before 7.30. Your 19 year old DN should be ashamed of himself.

Eh? What’s the backstory here? What business is he running? Why is he living with you? Why are you thinking of pandering to him like this?

@NichyNoo

I can only assume that there is a massive cultural issue and he’s from a culture where men are pandered to by their mothers/wives?

I was thinking this. Or there's significant trauma in his past?

You're letting him behave like an entitled brat. You need to talk to him about at least looking after himself.

Thank you for all the responses. He was never given breakfast, I remember holidays and he was always ravenous at lunch when we took him out. We used to leave him a secret box of snacks to hide in his room. He will eat ready made foods, but seems hesitant to use things in the fridge - money wasn’t an issue with his mum, but control was. We’ve put aside a cupboard and a box in the fridge of items just for him, so it isn’t a stressor for him, but it may be that he isn’t sure how to make things. No special needs. My DH’s sister hasn’t had the same success and luck in life, and I work in a male dominated industry and definitely don’t pander to men. We don’t live in the UK, he was raised mostly in the UK - and if anything, he is more respectful of me and my time than he is my DH.

Learning these life skills is our responsibility to teach, but we’re time poor, and don’t want him to feel like we don’t want him or that he’s a burden. Equally, it seems we may be worrying a bit too much resulting in the difficulties we’re having - I’m glad we aren’t mean in thinking it’s a bit much! How did you all transition your teenagers into taking more responsibility? I imagine it has to be gradual and fun? DH and I are reading this together and hopefully we can plan a way to help him and reduce the burden on us.

Yes that would be mad! Why are you pandering to him?

This boy's mother must having been dancing a jig from the moment he got on the plane. Are you sure her 'issues' were entirely unconnected with the presence of her awful child?

My dcs have been making meaks since they were 10

He learns by doing things himself- here’s an alarm, here’s your food, if he fails to make him meeting he will learn!

How long has he been living with you now?

I agree that at 19, and able to manage a business that he can get up by himself and make his own breakfast. I know you feel you need to do extra because of his home life before and the big transition to move across the world but you need to be treated with respect. If you let him do this now, he will continue to take liberties. Decide what you feel are fair terms that both you and your dh agree on ( he can eat what rest of family has or prep his own, and clean up after himself for example)

You both work and have small children. I’m sure you have more than enough things to do on the morning. If you are making cooked breakfast by all means say it’s at x time on the table but no he Dosnt need a maid or cook or housekeeper. He’s going look seriously unattractive to future partner if he needs the same
Level of support as a 9y old.

I still don't understand the issue
Are you saying you expect him to cook?
Can he at least fry or boil an egg, make beans on toast?