Housekeeper/Nanny for Nephew (19)

[sergeilavrov]

Our DNephew (19) lives with us, and is likely to do so for some time as his business gains ground. He’s a wonderful addition to our family, and we want him to be comfortable in our home. However, we are not used to teens — our children are under 5s, and it’s obviously very different. Little things pop up, and we’re not sure if we are doing the right thing. We have no expectation or desire to have a contribution either in financial or chore terms, as we won’t be doing that with our own children.

For example, he had an early meeting and asked if we could wake him up. No problem, if he doesn’t trust the alarm. He said either 7 or 7:30am, because he both needs sleep but needs time to get up. I suggested I can wake him at 7:15am as a compromise - and he said no, just pick one. He made some comments suggesting he was worried I’d wake him early, so I knocked on his door at 7:30am. He was already awake, having set an alarm, and I let him know I’d made him his favourite breakfast (a hot meal). He showered, and emerged, and was quite frustrated that his breakfast wasn’t fresh and hot. I apologised, and explained he’s welcome to eat breakfast in his pyjamas. I worry that he doesn’t feel ‘home’ or truly comfortable here, so we are always trying to make sure he knows this is his home and he can treat it as such. He said he didn’t want to, and asked if next time I could make the breakfast five minutes before he comes out of the shower. I asked how long he usually showers, and if he could shoot me a text when he goes in, and I’ll time it out better. He said he doesn’t know, it varies. I’m not sure how to get it right?

DN’s mum has had a lot of issues, many of which only came to light since DN has moved in with us, and we entirely appreciate these will have had an impact on his behaviour. He’s done exceptionally well to move halfway across the world, start a business that is doing well during a global pandemic in a country he isn’t familiar with, and I don’t want any issues at home to detract from his growth and success. We both work full time, and my DH works from home to look after our children, but we’re now discussing getting a nanny/housekeeper primarily to help DN. Is that mad? It feels odd that at 19 we’re considering paying someone to take care of him? But I’m home infrequently, and so usually all of this is falling on DH and he is getting frustrated with the situation.

Notably, DN is sponsored by me, so it’s not as easy as simply putting him in his own house.

OP - what about a mentor? - I can understand what you mean. I have come across grown men who run small business but are
Clueless to everyday life skills . He is still young enough to change his ways .

Sit him down and talk to him as he was an adult.
That he is welcome to stay as long as he wants in your home.
However, you are not his personal maid. He has shown he can wake himself and so no more relying on others to wake him.

You are not providing a restaurant service for him to demand different food cooked, or to his required temp choices. He either accepts graciously or he can sort himself out. Although due to the differences so far it might be easier for him to do his own shop and cook for himself.

A part of the time he his with you is to help him be independent so will be expected to also do various chores around the home. If he is to continue eating with the family then once a week he is responsible for breakfast and dinner for everyone else.

If he this doesn't appeal to him he has the option to find alternative accommodation.

He also doesn't need to go to restaurants for cookery lessons. The net is full of free ones. Must be millions of them on youtube now,.

My son is 20 and living at home during the university holidays, working 9 to 5. He gets himself up and makes his breakfast. I might knock on his bedroom door to check he is awake, but it isn't my responsibility to wake him up, he sets an alarm. I make him a coffee because I am making myself one anyway.

I cook dinner and he washes up, usually after I am in bed, and once a week we swap over. I do the washing, he irons his work shirts. He makes his own packed lunches, I buy the ingredients with the rest of the food shopping.

Hope that helps.

Oh and the tantrums send him for time out until he cools down. It will piss him off more no doubt. However, if he wants to act like a child then he can face whatever sanctions you would for this behaviour if it was your young children.

I'm going to disagree with the consensus here - yes absolutely this isn't acceptable for you to be running around after him and his attitude has to change (and no a housekeeper won't help) But it sounds like you've taken on parental responsibility for him and are willing to help him mature - parenthood doesn't end at age 18 and every child matures at a different rate - so it's a matter of finding the way for you to help guide him and for him to pull his weight which will hopefully both help him to mature and to gain you some time to help guide him.
Couple of things that stand out to me. Brain maturity isn't usually complete until age 25. Of course you're going to get people saying "I left home at 16" etc and great - maybe that worked for them but the school of hard knocks doesn't generally help to develop emotionally mature adults. Also emotional maturity by age 25 is for a person who has been nurtured and raised by an emotionally available and securely attached adult - it doesn't sound like he has had that so he's going to be behind, not just ok the emotional stuff but also the practical. It sounds like you have a lot of love for this boy and it also sounds like you have a wonderful opportunity to reverse some of the damage of his childhood and you sound like you have a huge amount of empathy for him which is exactly the attitude he needs right now! Another poster mentioned he has autistic traits - and that stood out for me too - but autistic traits and the impact of a traumatic childhood can look very similar.
I have a child who suffered trauma and we do a thing called Therapeutic Parenting - it's basically parenting with empathy and without judgement. There's no "he should be doing this by this age" - it's accepting the child for where they are now and helping them to find their path and mature at their own pace. My child is very mature in some areas but in others she's a toddler and it sounds like your DN is similar.
First thing you need to do is set some boundaries - parenting him with empathy does not have to mean you get walked all over! And I think that has to be a conversation between all three of you (DH, DN) without the other kids to distract and with a list of what you want to discuss. Eg you are willing to make him breakfast along with yours but he needs to come when you ask him to rather than expect you to mind read. You need to involve him, set out the expectations - maybe even stick them on the wall - and be really clear so that there is no ambiguity. You also need to give him some responsibility - he won't feel good about himself if he's not contributing, but you as the parent have to set him up to win with things he can help with. If you Google therapeutic parenting there are some fab books and it sounds like what you are naturally trying to do but this will give you some help with strategies and understanding of his brain.
I hope you can't find a way through this - he's lucky to have found someone who is willing to put the effort in and help him become a whole and mature adult.

If your dn is struggling, maybe he does have additional needs. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to employ someone a day a week or similar to teach him how to look after himself and cook. They could maybe set him homework so he cooks x meals for the next week and self care homework etc.

A support worker has just been suggested. Maybe someone like this exists where you are? This would perhaps be someone with experience of giving therapy, of working with adults with special needs or it could be a sympathetic nanny.

You would be off the mark to employ a nanny to take care of him. But not someone to teach him.

And I’m pretty appalled by some of these manchild comments. Op hints that there’s been quite some abuse / neglect. He is not spoilt ffs. He sounds lost and needs to learn how to be an adult. Doing this takes a lot of love and care. He needs to be taken through the normal stages of growing up by the sound of it.

Honestly I don't think how he's being treated is helping him :S he needs to learn to live himself

My sister taught her son to book his own bacon and eggs at 6 years old - I am shocked he is being so demanding

He’s 19 and he can now teach himself these life skills. You’re not doing him any favours by hiring a nanny for a 19 yr old.

It’s weird tbh. I find his demands that you make his breakfast 5 mins before he takes a shower ridiculous.

There are lots of adults who had difficult childhoods, but you cannot coddle him and try to make up for your sister. At 19 he’s not a child. He can make his own breakfast or you can make it after he showers. He needs to learn to look after himself and he should not be expecting you or a nanny to take care of him all day.

Think about what you are setting up his future wife for. Do you think any woman would want to date or marry a man who is demanding his breakfast 5 mins before he showers?

It must be a cultural difference because the amount of posts on mumsnet that I see about babying young adult men (18-19) yr old men is ridiculous.

My just turned 5 year old can make herself toast with supervision and someone get the butter off the high shelf in the fridge. This is an adult - he makes his own breakfast and should be contributing to household chores beyond just sorting his own stuff.

@MattyGroves

Why are you so worried about him feeling welcome? Him telling you that his breakfast was too cold and next time he would text you so you could get it right suggests he feels waaay too comfortable already

Yep

@sergeilavrov

We will add him to the grocery shop portal so he can add whatever he wants. I don’t know if we have meal kits here, but will definitely ask him to help research into them as we’re struggling to find the time. That may serve as a good conversation opener.

We won’t be hiring someone. As I indicated in my OP, once we voiced it - it seemed mad. I’m glad that we’re not unreasonable for thinking that’s a bit much, although @derbee, this means I can’t report back with a description of said nanny/PA’s face when confronted with a massive 19 year old charge. My DH is simply overwhelmed with responsibility and sometimes that means any solution seems reasonable when we want to get him back to a manageable stress level.

I'm obviously not understanding this! How on earth is your DH stressed about the responsibility of your nephew- he's 19 years old and should be perfectly capable of looking after himself. What's all this nonsense about meal kits etc - if he's got the intelligence to set up his own business he surely can work out how to prepare his own food. To be honest you all sound pretty clueless - get a grip

My 17 year old dd could look after herself from being about 11.
So could her siblings, seems like this lad has been over looked in the socialisation dept.
There are men managing a family and working of his age, he needs to grow up.
Kids need to learn to look after themselves almost from birth, in an age appropriate way. Starting with putting things away, then cleaning, ironing and cooking as they get to secondary school.
Please don't do this with your kids, nothing wrong with a few chores and contributing to family life.

We will add him to the grocery shop portal so he can add whatever he wants

I hope he's going to pay for anything he adds?

Why are you so terrified of upsetting your nephew or causing him stress? If he never encounters stress, he's never going to learn to deal with it. And if he gets stressed because his slaves haven't got his breakfast at precisely the right temperature, that's no-one's problem but his.

You sound lovely. Perhaps the problem is that you're thinking of him as a child, but he's an adult. What would make you feel comfortable when moving in with someone? Probably honest, fun, respectful conversations. Maybe a role in the house that he can take pride in?

I remember teenage years feeling awkward because you're not sure if you're a child of a adult. But by 19 you're definitely an adult. I'd lived alone for 3 years by then.

A nanny for a 19 year old? 🤣🤣