Housekeeper/Nanny for Nephew (19)

[sergeilavrov]

Our DNephew (19) lives with us, and is likely to do so for some time as his business gains ground. He’s a wonderful addition to our family, and we want him to be comfortable in our home. However, we are not used to teens — our children are under 5s, and it’s obviously very different. Little things pop up, and we’re not sure if we are doing the right thing. We have no expectation or desire to have a contribution either in financial or chore terms, as we won’t be doing that with our own children.

For example, he had an early meeting and asked if we could wake him up. No problem, if he doesn’t trust the alarm. He said either 7 or 7:30am, because he both needs sleep but needs time to get up. I suggested I can wake him at 7:15am as a compromise - and he said no, just pick one. He made some comments suggesting he was worried I’d wake him early, so I knocked on his door at 7:30am. He was already awake, having set an alarm, and I let him know I’d made him his favourite breakfast (a hot meal). He showered, and emerged, and was quite frustrated that his breakfast wasn’t fresh and hot. I apologised, and explained he’s welcome to eat breakfast in his pyjamas. I worry that he doesn’t feel ‘home’ or truly comfortable here, so we are always trying to make sure he knows this is his home and he can treat it as such. He said he didn’t want to, and asked if next time I could make the breakfast five minutes before he comes out of the shower. I asked how long he usually showers, and if he could shoot me a text when he goes in, and I’ll time it out better. He said he doesn’t know, it varies. I’m not sure how to get it right?

DN’s mum has had a lot of issues, many of which only came to light since DN has moved in with us, and we entirely appreciate these will have had an impact on his behaviour. He’s done exceptionally well to move halfway across the world, start a business that is doing well during a global pandemic in a country he isn’t familiar with, and I don’t want any issues at home to detract from his growth and success. We both work full time, and my DH works from home to look after our children, but we’re now discussing getting a nanny/housekeeper primarily to help DN. Is that mad? It feels odd that at 19 we’re considering paying someone to take care of him? But I’m home infrequently, and so usually all of this is falling on DH and he is getting frustrated with the situation.

Notably, DN is sponsored by me, so it’s not as easy as simply putting him in his own house.

He’s an adult. Not a teenager. Good grief you’re doing him NO favours at all.
Life is a learning curve. If he’s savvy enough to start a business that is doing ok, he’s sure as hell able to get himself up in the morning and make his own breakfast.

Ah, cross-posted. Still, whatever the reasons, and even if you are in a country where everyone has domestic staff, you would be doing him no favours in encouraging such incapability.

It's a shame he's in the house running a business rather than out of the house, engaging full time with people of his own age.

He's 19. He doesn't have to be handheld to cook. Here is the kitchen, here is the food, he can Google a recipe or watch a YouTube if he doesn't know how to boil an egg.

You aren't doing him any favours by not expecting at least a chore contribution. All capable members of a household should contribute to it.

I can only imagine the confusion of a prospective nanny being introduced to her 'charge' - a hulking great 19 year old 😄.

Sorry OP but this is all utterly bonkers. He makes no contribution, financial or otherwise, and expects you to provide full maid service! I can't believe you apologised to him for breakfast being cold. Stop pandering to this giant toddler. You are providing free accommodation, free utilities, free food, the rest is up to him.

Buy him a bloody student cookbook then. Offer to help teach him a couple of the basics at the weekend. He's an adult. If he's hungry and you've him him a box of food to help himself from that's on him not you. Most primary aged kids can manage to get themselves a bowl of cereal and a sandwich. He'll manage if you stop pandering.

Teach him how to cook his favourite breakfast so he can do it himself. I understand he feels hesitant about being in your kitchen and you might have to be explicit so he understands it is okay. So you could say 'from next week I'm going to be very busy in the mornings so I won't have time to cook for you. So I'm going to show you how to use my kitchen to make toast, eggs, cereal and coffee so you can do it yourself.

I don't see any harm in looking in on him to make sure he's awake if he asks you to check, it's hard for teenagers to wake up in the mornings. But be clear you are not his alarm clock.

This is a tricky situation. My 16 year old can cook, and we started him helping from a young age and have built up how much he is able to do. I dont sort breakfast for my 9 year old, not even on school days. He comes down and does himself cereal or toast, we dont do hot breakfasts as it takes too much time, apart from porridge on colder mornings maybe.
I would consider including him in the cooking, maybe follow along to a youtube video for a new recipe you could try together so he's not the only newbie at the recipe.
Id be very careful of not walking on egg shells around him. I know he's been through a lot but it really wont help him to do too much for him at all, or even to never let him deal with seeing frustration aimed at him. These are all normal situations he will have to deal with in life, and it will actually be a disability to him

You sound lovely, just try not to do too much. Its difficult when you have young children to realise how much independence older people need. It can feel that you're being harsh, but think of how much you do, and remember he is an adult too, admittedly a young one who still needs some support.

DN is not awful. He’s a great kid, and is lovely with our children. He is intelligent and hard working, and we value him. He goes out of his way to help me out, he just doesn’t help himself in terms of basic self-care sometimes and his attitude when things aren’t ‘perfect’. The way his mother treated him has left him with some issues - and he has gone NC now.

He’s been with us for coming up to 18 months. We probably have babied him, both due to our habits from parenting two young children, and because of his home life before he arrived - and you’re right, for his own sake he needs to master some of these skills.

We don’t necessarily expect him to cook, but if he doesn’t want to eat some version of something we make, at least not be snappy with us if we make him something else and it’s cold. Or at least logical requests, I suppose, as per the wake up time? He can make plain pasta, we went to a cookery class at a local restaurant and he enjoyed it. Maybe that’s the way forward. We're just both worried any shifts in expectation will make him timid again, and unwelcome, when it's taken a long time to build him up.

He's an adult. Most men I know (including my DH) were away from their family at 19, living on their own/working/uni halls. The bare minimum would be to be able to cook some basic meals, clean after himself, do laundry and iron.

His future wife won't be thrilled at all

Also, if this is your husband's nephew then he really needs to be willing to take on some of the burden of educating the young man. Why can't he engage the nephew in the routine of the house, since he is at home far more than you?

Wow, will you also be providing access to a prostitute if he announces that he would like sex?

Teaching him life skills is not your responsibility, he is an adult. It was his mother’s responsibility, as it is yours for your own children, she has clearly not done a very good job but it is not your role to compensate for his current shortcomings. It is now up to him to observe, learn by experience, and take responsibility for his own well-being, bodily needs and functions. He is lucky that he has been taken into a family home where he can see how people learn to live together with respect for each other, he could be continuing to live in ignorance in a hotel or flat. Pandering to him, allowing him to dictate instead of learning to compromise or accept what is offered in good faith is not helping him. By all means offer him help and hospitality , but tell him when things don’t work for you and your family, don’t bend over backwards to accommodate his niggling demands.

Honestly, if he can move long distance he can get himself up and make his own breakfast. That's normal when a 19 year old lives at home. You are not his maid and it won't do him any good to act like one.

Basically you’re asking how to teach him life skills that most teens have learner or picked up by now. But he doesn’t feel entirely comfortable at your house atm.

Maybe you should sit down with him and ask him what he can do ie can he wash clothes in the washing machine, dry them and put them away?

Go through all the basics and explain that you’re going to support him by helping him to learn what he needs to he able to look after himself at some point in the future.

Not all parents are great at showing and helping their children learn how to be responsible adults.

Just because the majority of mn think they should be able to do these already is no indication.

Some parents do everything for their children, so only do the basics but don’t teach them how to do stuff for themselves.

Good for you that you’re helping your dn to sort his life out and aspire to make something of himself.

To be fair, in this situation I probably would wake up my dc (now teens/ 20s) but mainly as a backup if it's for something important as they'd hopefully be up anyway.

But mine have made their own breakfast since primary school...

I think it's tricky when you only have little ones at home so no idea of what's to be expected. But OP, when did you/ DH do these things for yourselves? Part of bringing up children (or nephew) is getting them to be independent adults. Babying him won't help, but teaching him will be necessary, especially if he has had a difficult childhood with his parents

This is where discussions of expectations is needed with all 3 of you.

Sorry I appreciate his home life may not have been good but he is 19. Stop pandering to him

He gets an alarm clock, or uses his phone, he gets himself up. If you are making breakfast for everyone fine, tell him what time breakfast is and he can either join on, or make his own. Same with all other meals

Tell him, yes tell, that washing has to be put wherever or he does his own, he is responsible for his room, changing his bed etc.

And no no nanny/housekeeper he falls in line with you or finds somewhere else

He is running a business if he is capable of that he is capable of looking after himself

Have you talked to him about his attitude sometimes and snappiness about things not being perfect?

Lol

Just tell him it's not right how he's being

You can do it kindly....a conversation about how the settling in time is now over and it seems like the situation is going to work so now he's a member of the team and this is what the team does......

We have no problem with teaching him these things, just hard to do so due to time constraints/balancing his emotional needs. DH does a lot to help him, but primarily they connect through helping build his business - it was really what brought him out of his shell. We have our laundry picked up and delivered, and we have a cleaner - so not much of an opportunity to integrate him there as we don't have the infrastructure.

Food is the main place DH and DN have clashed. Instead of farming that responsibility out (pretty sure DH has eaten takeout every day I’ve been away), we figure maybe we could do one cooking class a week, and DN and my DH could cook together to recreate it for dinner later that week? We can also buy some oven safe food storage, so he could reheat food we’ve made at a time convenient to him when he’s not back in time for meals. That way he subtly learns to use the oven?

We don’t want our eldest to take the school bus, and DN has repeatedly offered to take him to school and pick him up. Maybe letting him try out the responsibility would be a good sign of both our trust in him, and a low-risk way of helping him keep to a schedule. He even bought and fit a car seat, so he seems pretty invested in the idea... and showed initiative, so he does have it!

You say that his mother never gave him breakfast and he was always starving by lunch time. Yet when you made him breakfast he complained it was cold and expects you to be a psychic and know to start it 5 minutes before he finishes he shower. If he spent his life never being given breakfast you would think he would be so grateful that he had food he would not be complaining about it. Also, I know people dont like it when people ask about possible Autism, but my son is Autistic and what jumped out at me was when he said he insisted you wake him at 7 or 730. That 715 compromise upset him. Could he have other issues going on ?

I understand (sort of) where you’re coming from. You’ve bent over backwards to help him feel welcome and loved, after what was obviously a difficult childhood. You’re now finding that his expectations are off, but you’re not sure how to reset them without upsetting him.

It’s obvious you love him and are trying to do your best.

I think in this situation talking to him like an adult is the way to go.

So - explain to him that you’ve tried to make him welcome and comfortable, and you love having him there. But part of your role as adults who love him is to prepare him for adult life. So you’re going to start working with him to make sure he knows how to plan his time, how to cook, how to contribute to a household etc etc.

He’s old enough to understand that and not feel like it’s a rejection I think.

@purpleme12 To be honest, no, we haven't mentioned the snappiness. DH snaps back eventually which is far from ideal and I am so worried about upsetting him that I just ignore and keep my voice soothing. That's clearly not an approach that's working, so hopefully if we initiate some of these small changes, the snappiness reduces, and if not I can explain it hurts my feelings when he snaps.

Thank you to all those who recognise the shift from little ones to a teen/adult is a vast one to suddenly manage!

My DD's cook, clean and generally keep the house (university holidays), 19 is adult, he needs to stand on his own 2 feet

What country are you in?
What is his business?