Housekeeper/Nanny for Nephew (19)

[sergeilavrov]

Our DNephew (19) lives with us, and is likely to do so for some time as his business gains ground. He’s a wonderful addition to our family, and we want him to be comfortable in our home. However, we are not used to teens — our children are under 5s, and it’s obviously very different. Little things pop up, and we’re not sure if we are doing the right thing. We have no expectation or desire to have a contribution either in financial or chore terms, as we won’t be doing that with our own children.

For example, he had an early meeting and asked if we could wake him up. No problem, if he doesn’t trust the alarm. He said either 7 or 7:30am, because he both needs sleep but needs time to get up. I suggested I can wake him at 7:15am as a compromise - and he said no, just pick one. He made some comments suggesting he was worried I’d wake him early, so I knocked on his door at 7:30am. He was already awake, having set an alarm, and I let him know I’d made him his favourite breakfast (a hot meal). He showered, and emerged, and was quite frustrated that his breakfast wasn’t fresh and hot. I apologised, and explained he’s welcome to eat breakfast in his pyjamas. I worry that he doesn’t feel ‘home’ or truly comfortable here, so we are always trying to make sure he knows this is his home and he can treat it as such. He said he didn’t want to, and asked if next time I could make the breakfast five minutes before he comes out of the shower. I asked how long he usually showers, and if he could shoot me a text when he goes in, and I’ll time it out better. He said he doesn’t know, it varies. I’m not sure how to get it right?

DN’s mum has had a lot of issues, many of which only came to light since DN has moved in with us, and we entirely appreciate these will have had an impact on his behaviour. He’s done exceptionally well to move halfway across the world, start a business that is doing well during a global pandemic in a country he isn’t familiar with, and I don’t want any issues at home to detract from his growth and success. We both work full time, and my DH works from home to look after our children, but we’re now discussing getting a nanny/housekeeper primarily to help DN. Is that mad? It feels odd that at 19 we’re considering paying someone to take care of him? But I’m home infrequently, and so usually all of this is falling on DH and he is getting frustrated with the situation.

Notably, DN is sponsored by me, so it’s not as easy as simply putting him in his own house.

Yes, it's mad. He needs to learn some independence and he won't do so while you're pandering after him. At 19 he should be capable of cooking his own meals.

@InTheKitchenAtParties

You are creating a monster op

My thoughts exactly.

Isn't it a PA when you're an adult?

Jesus my 16 year old is treated pretty much the same as any adult in this house. He sets his own alarm and gets his own breakfast, if he doesn't want to eat what's on the menu at any particular time he's welcome to make himself something but better damn well clear up after himself and as for texting me so I can have a hot meal on the table for when he gets out of the shower, he better be invalided or I'd give him short shrift.

As for the, he's so helpful, offering to take the DCs places, well that's the least he can do considering he's living with you rent free!!

You are doing him no favours mollycoddling him like this. Our job as a parent is to prepare our kids to be grown up and independent and unless his new company is going to suddenly make him millions he'll be hard pressed finding anyone, anywhere willing to wake him up and have a piping hot meal on the table at the exact minute he emerges from his room.

I also think not giving your own children responsibilities is a mistake too.

You are mad to even consider this.
But also, you are not, really not, doing him any favours. Don't you want him to become a functioning adult? Why are you treating him like a child?

What have I just read, this is bonkers. Op even on your responses you don't seem to realise just how strange it is to think of hiring someone to enable your nephew to be totally useless.

Our three year old granddaughter lives with us and she helps make her bed, helps sort the laundry and helps make her lunch. And she loves a bit of dusting and I know the fact that he's so useless isn't your fault but as he is living with you and your husband you need to teach him some basic skills. I can't imagine any 19 year old without SN being that incapable.

I understand how you could fall into the trap of treating him like a taller version of one of your children, but now that you have recognised it getting staff in isn’t the way to solve it.

You need to set clear expectations of him and the breakfast is a great example to start with. Tell him that you made a special effort for him and his attitude upset you, also that as much as you love him living with you his snappiness won’t fly.

Offer him some choices - would he prefer a shelf in the fridge and to cook his own meals, or would he prefer to cook and eat with you? (3 adults he cooks twice a week) tell him that if he chooses to eat with you and isn’t home you will leave him food to heat as the default, unless he tells you not to.

Laundry he can pay for his own to be done, or he can put it in with the household.

A clear choice in all these types of things - but choices that work for you.

Give him some responsibility like dropping your DS off, I see teenagers thrive on some responsibility. It does them a lot of good.

dd2 has asd & was v immature & yes she had difficulty with time management but she got her own cereals well before she was 19
(she would have starved otherwise I was cm! )

I know most people are thinking WTAF but I cant believe some are calmly discussing it with the OP. He told you his breakfast was cold and you are now trying to find ways to make sure you get it right next time? Are you on glue?

My DD is 18 she has severe MH issues, something like touching the fridge and food not being right would upset her, but then she'd be in tears apologising; she knows its all part of her illness and hates it. I only "accommodate" her because I know she's ill.

I just cant fathom why you would behave like this OP?

God, I have really been laughing, imagining the nanny’s face when she she is introduced to a 19 year old 😂

Idea for breakfast: show him where the bowls and spoons are, and let him have cereal for breakfast. When he wants a hot breakfast, he can learn how to do it.

As for evening meals, if you are time poor, I would subscribe to a meal service like Hello Fresh/Gusto or something, and let him cook once a week. All the ingredients and instructions are there, and he will learn new skills every week, without needing to be babied by you.

You are not helping him by this bowing to his every whim. He needs to muck in and be part of the family. Including eating the breakfast YOU choose, at a time that suits YOU

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

.... Seriously?

He appears to be under the entirely erroneous belief that you are his personal maid.

If he's old enough to have a business, he's old enough to set his own alarm (and find an appropriate one that wakes him) and make his own bowl of cereal or bacon sarnie.

This. All day long.

@WrongWayApricot

Isn't it a PA when you're an adult?

Yes! This is what I was searching for when thinking about this!

OP how has he gone from never being given breakfast to demanding when and at what temperature it be served at?

We will add him to the grocery shop portal so he can add whatever he wants. I don’t know if we have meal kits here, but will definitely ask him to help research into them as we’re struggling to find the time. That may serve as a good conversation opener.

We won’t be hiring someone. As I indicated in my OP, once we voiced it - it seemed mad. I’m glad that we’re not unreasonable for thinking that’s a bit much, although @derbee, this means I can’t report back with a description of said nanny/PA’s face when confronted with a massive 19 year old charge. My DH is simply overwhelmed with responsibility and sometimes that means any solution seems reasonable when we want to get him back to a manageable stress level.

This is bonkers. Utterly bonkers. All of it. Stop pandering to this man child. How had this gone on for 18 months already? From your OP it sounded like he had moved in a couple of days ago and you were figuring out the living arrangements.

I thought this was a joke. Maybe it's not.
If not, that's an actual man who's living in your house. A spoiled, entitled man who hasn't learned a damn thing about life.
You sound so sweet and so soft and so stupid, sorry but you really do.
And if you don't sharpen up, your small children will turn out very similarly.
We have no expectation or desire to have a contribution either in financial or chore terms, as we won’t be doing that with our own children.
Nah, it's a joke.

Perhaps have a conversation about how he has been with you for some time now and you want him to feel more part of the family than a guest and talk about ways he can do that e.g. meal planning

Is this a joke? He’s an adult! If he wants a hot breakfast let him set his alarm for 6am so he can get up and make it. The absolute bloody cheek!

I think the breakfast comment he made was quite rude of him and you need to manage his expectations more.
Teach your own children (In time) and him, independence skills which will include chores. That’s doing him a favour for later!

And yes would be made to employ essentially a servant for him

It definitely sounds like there's some additional needs going on, whether that stems from something genetic or from past experiences with his parents. I actually don't think your idea is a bad one. Not a nanny, but more of a support worker to help him work through his issues and develop some independence. It doesn't have to be long term but it's difficult for you to have to parent young children whilst also having to cope with your nephew. It's give you some respite without him feeling that he's being neglected again.

I say that as a mum of a 17 year old with fewer life skills than a toddler, and a mum of two under 5s. It's an option I'm seriously considering for my daughter.

It's so easy for others to say 'just tell him to get on with it' when they've no idea of his past. He clearly has issues and needs support.

Most adults with additional needs that mean can’t make breakfast wouldn’t be running own business either.

Hahahahah!

On the offchance this is real, are you seriously asking whether you should employ some sort of servant for your grown nephew because your work isn't up to his exacting standards? Tell him to set an alarm and get his own cornflakes. You are not his PA.

Yes, it is quite, quite mad.

Why are you so worried about him feeling welcome? Him telling you that his breakfast was too cold and next time he would text you so you could get it right suggests he feels waaay too comfortable already