Housekeeper/Nanny for Nephew (19)

[sergeilavrov]

Our DNephew (19) lives with us, and is likely to do so for some time as his business gains ground. He’s a wonderful addition to our family, and we want him to be comfortable in our home. However, we are not used to teens — our children are under 5s, and it’s obviously very different. Little things pop up, and we’re not sure if we are doing the right thing. We have no expectation or desire to have a contribution either in financial or chore terms, as we won’t be doing that with our own children.

For example, he had an early meeting and asked if we could wake him up. No problem, if he doesn’t trust the alarm. He said either 7 or 7:30am, because he both needs sleep but needs time to get up. I suggested I can wake him at 7:15am as a compromise - and he said no, just pick one. He made some comments suggesting he was worried I’d wake him early, so I knocked on his door at 7:30am. He was already awake, having set an alarm, and I let him know I’d made him his favourite breakfast (a hot meal). He showered, and emerged, and was quite frustrated that his breakfast wasn’t fresh and hot. I apologised, and explained he’s welcome to eat breakfast in his pyjamas. I worry that he doesn’t feel ‘home’ or truly comfortable here, so we are always trying to make sure he knows this is his home and he can treat it as such. He said he didn’t want to, and asked if next time I could make the breakfast five minutes before he comes out of the shower. I asked how long he usually showers, and if he could shoot me a text when he goes in, and I’ll time it out better. He said he doesn’t know, it varies. I’m not sure how to get it right?

DN’s mum has had a lot of issues, many of which only came to light since DN has moved in with us, and we entirely appreciate these will have had an impact on his behaviour. He’s done exceptionally well to move halfway across the world, start a business that is doing well during a global pandemic in a country he isn’t familiar with, and I don’t want any issues at home to detract from his growth and success. We both work full time, and my DH works from home to look after our children, but we’re now discussing getting a nanny/housekeeper primarily to help DN. Is that mad? It feels odd that at 19 we’re considering paying someone to take care of him? But I’m home infrequently, and so usually all of this is falling on DH and he is getting frustrated with the situation.

Notably, DN is sponsored by me, so it’s not as easy as simply putting him in his own house.

A tough home life does not mean you have to pander to his every whim, I mean texting you so you have exact timings for his favourite cooked breakfast!! What the fuck! This is mad. If he can start a business then he can do some basic self care. This is just completely insane

No part of this can be serious!

At 15 I was regularly babysitting 3 young children and at 19 I was living 3 hours away from home at uni and had been for a year. I had a terrible upbringing so no it's not like I coped because I had a fantastic start, I just got on with things. This whole thread is ridiculous. If he doesn't do chores and pitch in I'd be giving him serious consequences. My son is nearly 3 and already he seems to be more independent than your nephew - he helps in the kitchen and tidies his room.

This is all so strange. He's a young adult without special needs, but you treat him like a small child. My ten-year-old sets his own alarm, makes his own breakfast (and sometimes mine), and thanks me for meals. I'd be disgusted if he behaved like your nephew. Why are you infantilising him?

Hiring him a servant is hardly the way to help him grow in to a well rounded individual

We both work full time, and my DH works from home to look after our children, but we’re now discussing getting a nanny/housekeeper primarily to help DN. Is that mad?

Yes, it is. You are already doing him a massive favour by providing a home. If he is grown-up enough to run a business, he is grown-up enough to get himself out of bed and organise his own breakfast. As for being snappy because the breakfast you very kindly made for him wasn't freshly cooked, you should have told him to fuck right off and learn some manners.

Learning these life skills is our responsibility to teach

No, it isn't. If he hasn't learnt them so far, it's about time he did if he's intelligent as you say. Just buy him a basic cookbook and point him in the direction of cooking classes. And maybe buy him books on basic manners and housework at the same time, together with a diary showing the date he moves out of your house.

Doing everything for someone doesn't end well. Teach your kids to do chores & look after themselves. Hard way now =easy life, easy way now = hard life later.

19yo, not 19 months old.

"I had a terrible upbringing so no it's not like I coped because I had a fantastic start, I just got on with things."

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer Possibly, though I suspect it's unlikely. The 7:15am thing was bizarre. I think there is a lot going on in terms of wanting some power over decisions regarding his life, while also wanting all of things we do with and for him to be coming from his mum. He does see a therapist once a week, and comes back emotionally drained. I'll have to speak to DH and see if most of these issues happen soon before/after that appointment.

DH did a lot of chores growing up. I didn't do any, just googled how to do everything when I left home and adapted quickly. Also, to be clear, I don't cook his favourite breakfast all the time - it was an important meeting for him so I thought it would be a good start to the day. Clearly backfired!

Buy him a box of shreddies and a loaf of bread. Im sure he can cobble together his own breakfast. DS manages fine and he's 8.

Don't nanny him and certainly no need to employ someone to look after him.

You point him to alarm clock
Phone app reminders

DH snaps back eventually which is far from ideal and I am so worried about upsetting him that I just ignore and keep my voice soothing. That's clearly not an approach that's working, so hopefully if we initiate some of these small changes, the snappiness reduces, and if not I can explain it hurts my feelings when he snaps

All of this is just extraordinary. Why on earth are you worried about upsetting him? He should be worried about upsetting you, given the massive generosity you have shown towards him already. Tell him NOW that the snapping has to stop if he wants to stay in your house and that he starts looking after himself from now on.

I think its time the 3 adults sat down for a calm chat about expectations on both side and snapping and not wanting to eat what cook. Perhaps explain time issue due to work/kids and he either eats what you eat (reheated if he's not ready to eat when you are) or he cooks for himself, Perhaps get a simple cook book he can use. Ask him what he wants adding to weekly shop or if you do online give him log in and tell him to add what he wants. Yes he's had a tough time but at 19 he's an adult who could quite easily be on his own so no more pandering to him

You need to take a step back and he needs to stand on his own 2 feet. By that age l was into my 2nd year of living away from home. If l had asked my mother to wake me and have my breakfast ready she would have laughed at me

Sorry, I pressed enter too soon.

Same here. Self-efficacy is often one of the few beneficial consequences of childhood neglect.

My 11 year old sets her own alarm for school. I just stick my head in 15 minutes later to make sure she's up. She also makes her own breakfast. I think you're making a man child for some poor woman to marry. Encourage his independence and personal growth. Tell him to set his own alarm and help himself to breakfast.

Wtaf have I just read?

@nicknamehelp That seems like a good approach. We have, as I've admitted from the start, treated him too similarly to our young children which was not the correct approach. We're not helping him build resilience by avoiding the conversation and changes that will help him build skills, and dodging the conversation by hiring a helper is as mad as we thought it was when we were brainstorming solutions. I just hope this doesn't backfire in terms of his progress since he arrived.

If this is true it just sounds like you're pussyfooting around too much and making every day issues into big issues that you're scared to point out eg snappiness
Stop overthinking and just tell him when he's being ungrateful

Are you for real??

Is this a joke?! He’s 19 - you’re doing an excellent thing letting him live with you for free. A knock on the door if he needs help waking up, fine. He makes his own breakfast period. Do not hire anyone to do anything for him,

You are creating a monster op

I must be a cold hearted bitch, but I would be telling him that that is not how you speak to a family member who has kindly given you a home rent free, and who has made you a fry up.

And in future he can set 2 alarms.

He's an adult. Many people have left by home by 19, and many people didn't also have the best upbringing, but you don't get to snap and be rude to people trying to help you.