What is wrong with our kids these days?

[2021ismyyear]

So I live near a town that has a recent alarming number of teenage suicides. Mostly girls but there have been boys too. There seems to be a huge mental health crisis brewing. More and more are needing professional help. Schools are at a loss what to do. Parents are angry.

Parents are blaming social media, the schools, the teachers, the government.

One parent said that they had to remove their kids phone as there is peer pressure on social media with regards to suicide, becoming lgbtq, and going on anti depressants.

It’s just exploded here. Young people have lost it! I remember a few in my year with mental health issues (eating disorders, those that were abused etc) but it seems every teen has an issue at the moment. So severe in cases, that they are killing themselves.

What is this all about? How can we stop this?

I’m no child psychologist but if I had to point to one thing, it would probably be social media and unrestricted/unsupervised internet use in young children and teenagers.

But I’m sure it’s actually incredibly complex and multi faceted.

I wish I knew the answer to this. My 13 year old attempted suicide this year. Camhs said it happens a lot and discharged him after 1 meeting and a phone call.

Peer pressure to become LGBTQ?

Apparently according to one parent there is peer pressure to recognise as lgbtq and he said that pride month has just exploded on social media. I believe he was referring to TikTok. He’s so concerned he’s removed devices from his children now. Not just that but around concerns with suicide related content being shared.

This will be very controversial, but I wonder if parental conflict and the determination to share contact is partly responsible. Residency seem to be more about things being fair for the parents than in the best interest of the child. It must be very unsettling to live between two homes.

I was involved in some very unscientific research done by our LA after we lost 9 teenagers in a devastatingly short pace of time. Schools felt they were getting the blame for putting too much pressure on kids or not preventing bullying and wanted to find out what they could do to improve things.

The findings were that the children came from very mixed backgrounds and abilities. Some were very sporty, some very academic, some popular, some not, some model students, some always in trouble, some affluent, some PP kids. Only 2 had reported bullying.

The only things they had in common were a history of self harming, which you'd think is a significant warning sign and they all came from families where parents had split, but where both parents were still very much involved, the suggestion being that the children felt divided loyalties.

Now obviously there are large numbers of families who live in his way successfully and it was a small sample (although very sad that it was so large), but 100% is significant enough to raise some questions, even in a small sample.

I'd like to think further research will be done, but I think people are scared it won't give the answers people want.

Lack of access to mental health support must play a big part in this. I've seen so many parents desperate for help but be unable to access help unless their child's life is in immediate danger. Proper mental health and family support would make a huge difference.

It’s dangerous to try and blame suicide on a single factor, it’s far more complicated than that.

That being said, there is an awful lot of pressure on teenagers to simultaneously conform (to fit in with their peers) and stand out. Different moments in time have seen teenagers use different ways of achieving this - punk, new romantic, goth, rave, etc. Eating disorders were the big “thing” with teenage girls when I was a teen (mid 90s) and I do think that social contagion is a thing - and yes I think part of the explosion in the number of teens (particularly girls) identifying as non-binary or transgender is in part down to this.

@AutoGroup

This will be very controversial, but I wonder if parental conflict and the determination to share contact is partly responsible. Residency seem to be more about things being fair for the parents than in the best interest of the child. It must be very unsettling to live between two homes.

I was involved in some very unscientific research done by our LA after we lost 9 teenagers in a devastatingly short pace of time. Schools felt they were getting the blame for putting too much pressure on kids or not preventing bullying and wanted to find out what they could do to improve things.

The findings were that the children came from very mixed backgrounds and abilities. Some were very sporty, some very academic, some popular, some not, some model students, some always in trouble, some affluent, some PP kids. Only 2 had reported bullying.

The only things they had in common were a history of self harming, which you'd think is a significant warning sign and they all came from families where parents had split, but where both parents were still very much involved, the suggestion being that the children felt divided loyalties.

Now obviously there are large numbers of families who live in his way successfully and it was a small sample (although very sad that it was so large), but 100% is significant enough to raise some questions, even in a small sample.

I'd like to think further research will be done, but I think people are scared it won't give the answers people want.

I hope this isn't the case as DD is self harming and splits time between parents. Not sure what the "answer" is if this is the cause.

Suicide is catching... when there is one, there is likely to be another - and another. Which is why there are strict regulations about what can and can not be reported.

But let's face it, it has been a completely terrible year for a great many people, and being a teenager is already very challenging. Life during the pandemic has upped the ante beyond bearable for many, and it must be terribly difficult on top of normal teen anxieties and hormonal changes to also have to cope with restrictions of lockdown. The teenage years are all about gaining independence so to have that snatched away is very cruel. Most of us have found it hard but I do think that it must be extremely lonely and painful for young people who already have so little agency.

And given that the bad news has been relentless, they can be forgiven for imagining there is no point in continuing or simply not being able to bear it any longer.

I'm not sure there is any point in trying to direct blame at anyone or thing, we all play a part in each other's wellbeing and clearly we need to do better for our children and young adults.

DynamoKev

There is not one simplistic reason for self-harm, it is complex. But it is very catching. Self harm is glamorised on the net, young people who post pictures of their SH have huge numbers of followers. It is so sick. Maybe start by trawling through your child's social media... Good luck. I had to do this, and ban him from hanging out with certain kids, get a psychologist etc.

Some interesting points being raised. I come from a family with divorced parents. Although my dad had little to do with me.

I almost think we are all talking about mental health too much. It’s all talk and no action. It’s spread all over tv, every celeb is on about it BUT actual access to CBT for example is poor. Actual support when you’ve had something terrible happen is very very poor. We are almost raising awareness of it all and dare I say it, creating a fad, but without offering ACTUAL support when really needed.

@DynamoKev I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but I do work with troubled teens and a lot of them do struggle with splitting their time and affection between two parents. Often they're telling both parents that they're happy with the arrangement and they themselves don't want to have to choose between the two, but they do find the arrangement very difficult, especially where they feel they can't talk about happy times they've had with the other parent for fear of upsetting someone.

I don't know if this is the reason for the suicides but it is a reason for some of the disruptive and self destructive behaviour we see. Although, as I said, lots of families and children manage this fine, I doubt whether there's any one factor in any of this.

but it seems every teen has an issue at the moment

That's simply not true though, you're catastrophising. It's not helpful.

@2021ismyyear

Apparently according to one parent there is peer pressure to recognise as lgbtq and he said that pride month has just exploded on social media. I believe he was referring to TikTok. He’s so concerned he’s removed devices from his children now. Not just that but around concerns with suicide related content being shared.

He sounds pretty homophobic to me.

@Mousetown

Peer pressure to become LGBTQ?

Yep, I've found this with my dc. It's crazy but true unfortunately.

autogroup my almost teen daughter has been struggling with her mental health recently. I've been separated from her dad since she was a toddler, so she's never known any different. For the early years she adored him and wouldn't want to come home on occasion.

Over the last year she's expressed less interest in going to her dad's (30 mins away from our town) every other week and reluctance, sulky behaviour etc. Especially school holidays which are shared. She's told me she wants to go less and that she doesn't feel that she gets to come home from school and decompress because she's off and the environment is not quite home. But she'll continue to go to please him.

She also overhead her dad's wife make a comment about her "not spending any time with him again this weekend" a while back, as she'd stayed in her room a lot, which knocked her confidence and she feels like she can't relax I think.

She'd definitely prefer to have relaxed contact on her terms i.e one day a weekend or here and there so she can relax and pursue interests/see friends. Unfortunately he'd not take her to a club over here on his time and has been reluctant to take to parties etc when younger, preferring me to do that or swapping weekends if she's wanted to do an interest, so I can facilitate and he can get "his owed time back". He's extremely difficult to communicate with.

Problem is, she will not in any circumstances create conflict with him or express her wishes which is very sad, so she'll just keep going as directed, even though she's resenting it. I'm reluctant to say anything yet because I know he'll perceive it as me trying to take control/spite him. Hoping when he sees her more as a person and less as a child we can revisit contact.

He feels entitled to a piece of her despite anything else, even though he's never had any involvement in facilitating anything in her best interests e.g. clubs, education, school pick ups, birthday parties.

You might be right in your thinking that it plays part of some children's issues these days. I'd say it depends on both parents relationship and motivations though. I can imagine living down the road from the other parent and having open flexibility to each home is less problematic.

When I was a teen there was pressure to have an ED, it was fucking competitive. I think things have switched to self harm and the LGBTQ+, it's a trend for want of a much better word.

SM is all consuming and quite frankly it terrifies me for my kids.

Mousetown

Peer pressure to become LGBTQ?

Exactly this! There is SOOOO much pressure for young people to define themselves sexually in a way that wins approval (and/or attention) from their peers. They have all the language but no context and the pressure is immense.

Exam pressure
Social media pressure
Pandemic
Lack of mental health services
Highly individualistic self absorbed culture
Trauma and abuse
Genetics

@idontlikealdi

When I was a teen there was pressure to have an ED, it was fucking competitive. I think things have switched to self harm and the LGBTQ+, it's a trend for want of a much better word.

SM is all consuming and quite frankly it terrifies me for my kids.

I totally agree!

And they all want a diagnosis..."I have ADHD" "I have bipolar"... arghhh

@Mousetown my ds jokingly said he has come out as straight to his friends as our of a group of about 8, 6 of them are LBQT. Obviously it's so much better than our day when my entire school was apparently straight as no one dared come out, there is a lot of pressure to be something.

Homophobic? I’m not sure. I’m just going by what other parents are saying. I’ve not got teens yet. Mine are still little but I’m dreading it already. It sounds an utter nightmare.

I’m not exaggerating the issues. We’ve had multiple girls in the same year group kill themselves. Many students are in such a state they are not able to return to school this week. A group has been set up for parents in the town and there are hundreds of worried people on there. Worried about their own kids.

Suicide is catching... when there is one, there is likely to be another - and another. Which is why there are strict regulations about what can and can not be reported

I agree. This is only a Wikipedia link but some might find it upsetting en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridgend_suicide_incidents. Bridgend was around 2007/8 and the internet has massively exploded since then so I can well believe the problem along with other self-destructive behaviours has also been exacerbated.

I’m not really convinced that CBT is an appropriate treatment for these situations but I’m not also entirely sure what a good alternative support system/treatment would be. It seems so heavily driven by peer behaviours that I’m not sure it’s a mental health issue in the way we traditionally recognise it as one.

Yes, that's the kind of story we hear from our children Ferret. I'm sure some (most) families get it right and the vast majority are doing their best, but I work with teens in crisis so we don't see the good news stories.

My dad, who has some strange ideas, but sometimes makes you think, has long argued that the best thing a father can do if a partnership breaks down is disappear altogether (whilst providing financial support). I've often told him he's wrong, both parents are important etc, but I'm not convinced that sharing parenting equally works for children.

My daughter's friend committed suicide but that was really before social media took hold and it was over a relationship but I do think social media has a lot of bad influence.-and then there's the drug issue too. I think parents should put off letting their children have smart phones and gaming machines until as long as possible, and lead by example by not being on their own phones as much too to show that real life can be much nicer than virtual ones.