Parents who discipline their kids, how do you cope around those who don't ?

[Peppapigforlife]

This isn't a dig at any parenting style or type of people in particular but if you're a parent who instills rules and discipline in your child, how is it for you when you're with your child around friends who do the opposite? I personally find it quite hard to have another child constantly pushing on my boundaries and my DD's boundaries (different examples if experienced are going through my buggy when I'm not next to it, poking DD within an inch of her life because they think it's cute, asking me intrusive questions, giving toddler sweet after sweet at night time just because they keep asking, in front my my dd) whilst the parent just sits back and let's it happen. Just wondering if anyone has any tips or do you just avoid these types of parents?

Poking your child - you say ‘Don’t poke DD, she doesn’t like it. With the sweets there is nothing you can do to stop it, their child and their choice.

All you can do is focus on what's in your control, say no and move the buggy away or tell them to leave your child alone and remove the child from the situation if they don't know how to get out of it.

Anything that impacts on me or my child, I would carefully intervene. Ditto anything I thought was dangerous or impacting on a third party. I’m a teacher so used to dealing with other people’s children!
You can’t do anything about the food thing. It’s no bad thing for children to learn early on that other kids are allowed to do and have different things to them.

We went on holiday with out best friends when our ds's were in Reception. We're pretty strict. Our friends weren't. We haven't spoken since, it was over 15 years ago!

Avoid generally. It’s been one of the hardest things about becoming a parent, that some of our friends have very different ways of doing things to us. I think we are generally fairly disciplinarian, but we do have some friends who are waaay stricter than us. We have a relative with similarly aged children who just does not seem to discipline them at all, so I dread seeing them and avoid. I do discipline her child myself though, especially if in my house, e.g. reinforce that he is not to do something I have asked him not to. Or the time I was asked to mind him briefly whilst waiting at the entrance of a day out type attraction and he was being generally unruly (told him firmly that on my watch he was expected to stand still and wait quietly). Poor kid was pretty shell shocked.

But then again, I also expect other adults to tell my children off for things because everyone knows kids look to see whether their parents are watching before starting on something that might be naughty.

I avoid such parents.
If someone else's child oversteps certain boundaries with one of mine I do not hesitate to tell them it's unacceptable and send them on their way. I'm the sort who will kick off if local kids kick a ball against my house though, they only make the mistake once!

Avoid.
It’s too annoying.
I’m an intolerant bitch though.
The only thing worse than other people’s kids, is other kids parents.

We just say to our children that different families have different rules and they have to follow our family’s rules. That way you’re not saying the other family is wrong but you are making it clear to your child that he has to follow your rules regardless of what his mates are allowed to do.

As a Pp said, I would intervene if an undisciplined child was doing something that impacted on me or my children but not otherwise.

Thanks for the comments. I'm usually alright at disciplining strangers children like in the soft play or something. Bit with the poking and the going in the buggy I would have literally had to have reached out across my friend to stop her child from doing those things. İt feels a bit weird to discipline someone else's child when the child is within a foot of their own parent. And with this particular family it's something every few minutes. İ feel like I don't have extra energy to spare disciplining someone else's children every two minutes in their own home or in the park because the parents don't step in. I might just avoid from now on. İ definitely have seen less of some close friends because their children are wild and not told off and it's just too exhausting to be around.

Also wondered what would you do if this was going on in a formal setting such as a community centre activity and the certain children were running everywhere and screaming during the activity and you couldn't listen or focus? Would you speak to the group leaders or go to the parents of the children?

I’ve cut contact with a couple of friends who were pathetic with their kids. Constant damage to my house, terrible table manners, rude kids. It was so stressful whenever they came around.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it hard. My child is only just two so can't have that conversation with her about why she can't eat three thousand sweets or run out of the playground without me, but another child can, but it will be a relief when I can actually explain these things rather than her watching on in confusion when I enforce boundaries.

@lalafafa that's so frustrating . How did it go with your kids when you had to ban their friends? How did you explain it? Just looking for tips for the future as I can see this being an issue if we stay in this neighbourhood!

If friends or family, tbh I ignore till it actually affects my kiddo or myself.
Working (I used to work in a cafe) I would actually ask the parents. It's their responsibility but lots think as they are customers they can have their children screaming at other customers and that the staff will police this.

[quote Peppapigforlife]@lalafafa that's so frustrating . How did it go with your kids when you had to ban their friends? How did you explain it? Just looking for tips for the future as I can see this being an issue if we stay in this neighbourhood![/quote]
It was mainly my friends with kids rather than friends the kids had made IYSWIM.

With a badly behaved child who was one of their friends I usually took them to park on play dates so I didn't have to have them in my house.
I they did come round I would make it very clear what my house rules are. I'm not shy of telling them off either.

I've found over the years the families who don't discipline their kids get frozen out

My DC are now teens. I found the best strategy was just to avoid these kids. So I kept contact with the parents on adult only events but ditched playdates.

I find the kids classes really stressful because of this. At every class I've ever taken mine to (toddler/preschool age) there are kids running absolutely riot ruining the class for the others whilst the well behaved ones look on bewildered. It's not just that they are young, naturally boisterous etc (I have one wild child and one calm child) it's that the parents are smiling indulgently or completely ignoring them. It is bloody infuriating.

One of my friends isn't great at telling off her kids, I seem to be able to preempt their bad behaviour and i always tell them off, I don't want my kids to think something's ok to do by letting their bad behaviour go unnoticed. To be fair she doesn't mind me doing it and I'm fine with her telling mine off if she sees them doing something wrong.

I don't mind other children but it can be a bit cringey/awkward when dd(4) constantly points out the naughty things other children are doing.

I do love that she's well behaved but she needs to pick up some social awareness soon so she doesn't get excluded by her peers for being a 'tell-tale'

If its not affecting me / my kids - bite my tongue.
If it is - say something like 'we don't do that in this house'
Try and just see the adult without the kids if possible- not so practical if they aren't local.
We have holidayed with family and won't do so again. We've never holidayed with friends.

It is very difficult when you have different attitudes to your own siblings about what behaviour is acceptable.

Depends on parents response if I step in and ask the child to stop something that affects me and/or ds.

If (and I've had this) the parent is more annoyed at me for stopping the child rummaging though my belongings or hurting my ds than the child actually doing those things then I simply no longer meet them with the children.
If I'm not really a friend and more of a friend though kids then friendship dwindles.

Life's too short to have people in it who drain you of energy.

@lalafafa

I’ve cut contact with a couple of friends who were pathetic with their kids. Constant damage to my house, terrible table manners, rude kids. It was so stressful whenever they came around.

Sums up what I was wanting to say very succinctly!

@Taswama

If its not affecting me / my kids - bite my tongue. If it is - say something like 'we don't do that in this house' Try and just see the adult without the kids if possible- not so practical if they aren't local. We have holidayed with family and won't do so again. We've never holidayed with friends.

It is very difficult when you have different attitudes to your own siblings about what behaviour is acceptable.

I have used the "we don't do that in this house" before and the response still shocks me to this day.

The mum actually said her DD wouldn't usually do that ever either but because the rules are strict in my house she feels so oppressed she can't help but react by breaking the rules.

All I'd asked her to do 5 times was to stop jumping on my sofa with her shoes on. Oh yeah the shoes she point blank refused to remove on entry even though her mum has that rule at her house. Oh and this 6yo also admitted to me happily that they didn't in fact prance across the tables and chairs at school in response to their rules about it not being ok. Or the cinema, or nanny and grandads house or indeed a restaurant.

They weren't invited again

I’ve cut contact with a couple of friends who were pathetic with their kids. Constant damage to my house, terrible table manners, rude kids. It was so stressful whenever they came around.

This. I think I was/learnt to be tolerant about stuff that didn’t affect me or DD, but quite soon you hit the “gormlessly staring while kid runs riot” stage and frankly it’s not worth my time. I remember one woman spending 10 minutes trying to convince her toddler not to play with the plug sockets at my home. DD and were standing there waiting for her to get some shoes on her kid so we could all head out, and it was “No, don’t play with those. Ok, you’re playing with them but only that one. No sticking fingers in. No, only stick your fingers into the one that’s off. Ok, you’re sticking your fingers into the other one…”

Fuck me sideways I don’t have time for that kind of shit.

@EssentialHummus that would drive me mad too!!

@itsgettingweird I can't believe the mum said that! Those kids were clearly trying to show you who she really was! I've seen mums say similar things about who was to blame for their child's behaivour but it was before I had kids so it didn't infuriate me as much, just made me chuckle.

@Neolara

My DC are now teens. I found the best strategy was just to avoid these kids. So I kept contact with the parents on adult only events but ditched playdates.

Me too, I have some very nice friends but they do let their kids get away with anything and I just couldn't bear it.

I don't care if other parents give their kids lots of sweets and things but hitting etc is a hard no from me.