Parents who discipline their kids, how do you cope around those who don't ?

[Peppapigforlife]

This isn't a dig at any parenting style or type of people in particular but if you're a parent who instills rules and discipline in your child, how is it for you when you're with your child around friends who do the opposite? I personally find it quite hard to have another child constantly pushing on my boundaries and my DD's boundaries (different examples if experienced are going through my buggy when I'm not next to it, poking DD within an inch of her life because they think it's cute, asking me intrusive questions, giving toddler sweet after sweet at night time just because they keep asking, in front my my dd) whilst the parent just sits back and let's it happen. Just wondering if anyone has any tips or do you just avoid these types of parents?

This is a really interesting thread, thanks, op.
I'm a teacher and years ago I worked with a brilliant nursery nurse. She was patient, firm, fun, creative, everything you'd want in a colleague and friend. 30 years ago she had a child and she was unrecognisable in the way she disciplined, or rather didn't, discipline him. He was out of control, would run wild near roads , lash out, jump on furniture and she would never say anything. Unbelievable.

I stopped meeting up because it was so awful. She lost many friends. We're still very good friends. Her son is an adult now and I spent a lot of time pre pandemic comforting her as her son had smashed up her house and attacked her.
I'm not saying badly behaved children end up as badly behaved adults, but obviously a lack of discipline and setting boundaries can lead to long term problems. I always feel that I was too strict with mine but I never wanted him ruining other people's enjoyment in libraries, restaurants, on trains or planes. I always taught him to sit quietly, speak quietly, look out of the windows; generally, respect others !
He's a lovely adult, a great dad, very kind, considerate. A total joy.

Interesting thread.

Ive never considered myself strict or disciplinarian with DD (7). However among her friends there are probably half of them that I would say the parents are very permissive.

Kids roaring about, asking me for sweets/food etc, no please/thanks, running around during mealtimes, even hitting/shouting at me while parents watch on!

I do find it very stressful actually.

My daughter is generally very well behaved. Tbh I can't take all the credit, it's partly personality but also both DH and I have tried to guide her in things like sitting while eating, please/thank you, being polite around other parents or at other children's houses etc.

One good friend has two kids and one of them is always really badly behaved when we meet. I try and meet alone with her but she always suggests daytime with kids. I can see how stressful it gets for her and she gets quite bothered about it, but he just ignores her and keeps doing whatever annoying thing it is.

I think I'll have to do the same and avoid having the badly behaved children at my house again etc. It's actually really annoying. I like these parents and just cant understand how/why they don't reprimand the poor behaviour in any way.

Must make their lives really difficult tbh.

I meant look out of windows if bored, entertain oneself, read a book, but don't disrupt others because you're bored !!

@Fitforforty

Poking your child - you say ‘Don’t poke DD, she doesn’t like it. With the sweets there is nothing you can do to stop it, their child and their choice.

You can still tell the child and the parent that you don't want youras having endless sweets

@cloudymaydays

When children are little and toddler age they are very impressionable and whether a child has SEN needs or not if they are naughty, rude (even if they can't help it) I don't want that for my kids

My daughter is 6 now and understands some children have issues but this baby group was horrendous and that child was literally tramping on babies while his mother and father did nothing

It was unacceptable and to be honest quite dangerous - that is why I said something

Not to exclude him but a baby group with little ones on mats and rugs and him running riot isn't appropriate for him or anyone else x

[quote Peppapigforlife]@Fitforforty oh yes I have no problem explaining to her her own set of rules, she's just not old enough to grasp in a conversation yet why other children don't follow those same rules.[/quote]
Just keep saying it. Lots of things in children’s world don’t make sense to them which I think is why little ones are often better at excepting difference in parenting style than older children.

I was about to post something similar op. I had family over yesterday and two of the children (siblings) are horrible. They wrecked my house. They climbed in my wardrobes, jumped and ran around my new sofa, broke the flush button on my toilet, called my son a disgusting name and were generally vile. Their parents just sat back and said nothing but the parents have no problem telling other children of. The Dad took the football of our kids and said it was Harry's ball(not real name) and they weren't allowed play with it. They also seem to think that their dd10 is the victim of bullying from every friend she has ever had.... Joke. I'm still fuming today.

@cloudymaydays that's not the case at all. I'm saying Sen parents should be given a space where they can breathe and let their children be SEN without worrying about disturbing the other parents and have trained staff to give them that thirty minute of whatever break to flick through their phone, have a coffee, meet other SEN parents, or be given help them learn how to best deal with their children so then they can still go to those other groups with their cup topped up and equipped with a bit more ability to help their children settle into those environments

Sorry about my grammar my phone skips words sometimes 😂

And I totally agree that we should have compassion to the parent struggling with an unruly or SEN child

@Fitforforty yes that's a good point that a lot of things don't make sense at that age, so that eases the worry. Thank you.

@Peppapigforlife

I totally agree with all you've said

It's very hard for parents of SEN children defiantly but it's making sure they aren't upsetting other children - that's equally as important

General playgroups like in church halls are generally run by retired ladies at a church or in a village

NOT trained staff

That needs to be understood

If it's in my home it's literally my house ,my rules. I will tell any child off whether their parent is there or not . If they don't like it they don't have to come again. Somehow, everyone keeps coming back.

When outside they can do whatever they want as long as it's not harming my daughter , which is when I say something.

To DD I've always explained different people/houses have different rules and we have our own. She's my child so we follow my rules. It helps that I have very few non negotiables and when I say no I explain why. She might still disagree after, but it stays a no.

Omg @Peppapigforlife @omgthepain are you actually advocating for segregation of children with SEN? That they should be separated from other children in case they upset them?

That’s completely unacceptable. It is so hard to parent a child with additional needs, and so isolating. And to be honest at the age you’re discussing many children won’t yet have received a diagnosis. As the parent to a child with ASD I can categorically tell you that at that age he was just a wilful child who needed a firm hand (or so I thought). In fact the irony is that I’m reading Peppa’s posts about her own child with a wry smile, because she is describing my child to a T at 2 years old.

I think it's more we need to have realistic expectations of these groups. They aren't going to be places where a child can do whatever they want, everyone's safety has to be considered.

@Thisusedtobeaniceneighbourhood

I don't think anyone is "advocating" for segregation as such but you have to recognise children have differing needs according to their own needs/ diagnosis

But personally I wouldn't want my children picking up bad habits at a young impressionable age
That's my choice and how I choose to parent - end of

I appreciate the challenges faced by parents of SEN kids however if they are disruptive in places where other children are playing that is not acceptable

I used to work at our local gym as a student and we ran autism hours and sessions for children with additional needs with more staff and more importantly TRAINED staff who could deal with situations that may arise

Nobody is saying "segregation only" but in some situations this is a much better solution and surely less stressful for parents of SEN children - I know if it was my children I'd welcome an environment with specially trained staff and people who understand

Your children are not going to pick up bad habits if they happen to be exposed to someone with additional needs at a random baby group. That’s what your parenting strategy is for.

And yes, whilst there is a place for specialist groups and they do exist, sometimes going to a baby group is for the parent, not the child. You are dangerously close to suggesting we should go backwards and hide anyone with difficulties away in institutions. In reality we need more acceptance and understanding. My own child is not actually aware of his SEN, but he is able to understand that other children have additional needs and allowances need to be made. He has been in the same group as one particular child since nursery and has always had an awareness of this particular child’s inability to conform. Children are way more accepting than adults IMO.

[quote omgthepain]@Thisusedtobeaniceneighbourhood

I don't think anyone is "advocating" for segregation as such but you have to recognise children have differing needs according to their own needs/ diagnosis

But personally I wouldn't want my children picking up bad habits at a young impressionable age
That's my choice and how I choose to parent - end of

I appreciate the challenges faced by parents of SEN kids however if they are disruptive in places where other children are playing that is not acceptable

I used to work at our local gym as a student and we ran autism hours and sessions for children with additional needs with more staff and more importantly TRAINED staff who could deal with situations that may arise

Nobody is saying "segregation only" but in some situations this is a much better solution and surely less stressful for parents of SEN children - I know if it was my children I'd welcome an environment with specially trained staff and people who understand [/quote]
Your children will pick bad habits from everywhere around them. Not wanting that around them is not a parenting technique. It's NIMBY . Parenting them is dealing with it IF they do pick up any bad habits.

As for the special sessions in various venues , they are to make those venues more accessible to children with SEN and possibly less stressful. It's supposed to be an adjustment , not a restriction.

Not to mention children with SEN aren't some homogeneous group where all their needs,behaviours etc. are the same.

Conversely it's just as stressful being with a parent that's too strict.. constantly hovering and controlling,

No one is suggesting segregation at all. I suggested an additional specialised space where the parent can sit and play on their phone if they want that headspace and support because that's not an appropriate thing to do in a volunteer run group. The comment was responding to the parent who let her child run wild and played on her phone whilst the child caused havoc. There are more than two hours in a day you know, people can go to multiple toddler groups a week! The suggestion was use a specialised toddler group to get that headspace and let the SEN child run wild and then the parent would have more energy to take control of their child in a volunteer run setting as well. So what you think that because someone suggests some ADDİTİONAL support that they're rooting for segregation? Do you not want sensory rooms now and specialised disability sessions in a swimming pool with the right equipment because that would be segregation? Shall we get rid of one on one support for a child in a school because that suggests segregation? Shall we just get rid of the additional tournament of the paralympic games because that suggests segregation?

I think you just need to check your judgy attitude. I agreed with you before about avoiding spending time with people whose parenting style doesn’t complement yours, or avoiding their kids. I definitely do that. But you do not get to say who can/cannot attend a baby group. Those groups are a lifeline for some mums, and if a child is acting up there, God only knows what they might be like at home. Maybe the group isn’t that well run, because I know most of the ones I went to were really welcoming, and if anyone was struggling because they had difficult children or multiple young children everyone else would pitch in and help out. When my second was small I used to love going to group because I knew someone would hold the baby so I could spend time with my more difficult child.

@Thisusedtobeaniceneighbourhood read my posts again and then tell me I'm saying who can and cannot attend a toddler group.

I don't know what part of "they could go to regular toddler group AND an SEN one for mum to get support", you don't understand.

I don't know if you're purposefully misunderstanding me or just reading too fast.

AND, AS WELL AS, İN ADDİTİON TO, ADDİTİONALLY, BESİDES, ALONGSİDE.

Please look up the meanings of those words before you re read my previous sentences

@Peppapigforlife

No one is suggesting segregation at all. I suggested an additional specialised space where the parent can sit and play on their phone if they want that headspace and support because that's not an appropriate thing to do in a volunteer run group. The comment was responding to the parent who let her child run wild and played on her phone whilst the child caused havoc. There are more than two hours in a day you know, people can go to multiple toddler groups a week! The suggestion was use a specialised toddler group to get that headspace and let the SEN child run wild and then the parent would have more energy to take control of their child in a volunteer run setting as well. So what you think that because someone suggests some ADDİTİONAL support that they're rooting for segregation? Do you not want sensory rooms now and specialised disability sessions in a swimming pool with the right equipment because that would be segregation? Shall we get rid of one on one support for a child in a school because that suggests segregation? Shall we just get rid of the additional tournament of the paralympic games because that suggests segregation?

As soon as parents are expected to attend the "other" sessions instead of just being another option, that's segregation.

Don't forget that many SEN children due to their particular needs , find SEN sessions triggering and stressful and prefer attending the normal sessions. They don't all have the same issues,needs or triggers. You can't just throw them all into a room and expect to love because it's the SEN session and they're SEN kids.

And I never said I would avoid them, I asked for advice and others suggest avoiding and i said maybe I will do that then. But that's not my set in stone belief, that's yours.

@ObviousNameChage I'm pretty sure all toddler groups are optional. Never once did I say they had to go. I said it would be nice for the parents to get that support and have it available as pp suggested they may be struggling and exhausted hence lack of discipline.