Parents who discipline their kids, how do you cope around those who don't ?

[Peppapigforlife]

This isn't a dig at any parenting style or type of people in particular but if you're a parent who instills rules and discipline in your child, how is it for you when you're with your child around friends who do the opposite? I personally find it quite hard to have another child constantly pushing on my boundaries and my DD's boundaries (different examples if experienced are going through my buggy when I'm not next to it, poking DD within an inch of her life because they think it's cute, asking me intrusive questions, giving toddler sweet after sweet at night time just because they keep asking, in front my my dd) whilst the parent just sits back and let's it happen. Just wondering if anyone has any tips or do you just avoid these types of parents?

İf anyone else wants to hijack this post and acuse people of segregation please actually do segregate yourself and go that way

Friends for decades. Realised when we had kids that our parenting styles are VERY different.

My child is very well behaved when out (keeps their misbehaving for at home!). Their kids are not, and whilst they ask them to behave, the parents don't do anything when the children continue to misbehave.

I manage this by only meeting up outdoors and I only challenge their children's behaviour if I feel it is dangerous. My child knows our usual behaviour expectations apply regardless of their child's behaviour.

This is such an interesting thread - thanks for starting OP. When pregnant, I was 100% signed up to the concept of gentle, responsive parenting. No shouting, no naughty step, no removing of privileges, fully embracing emotions etc. This is how my brother and I were parented and we are both pretty hard working, empathetic people. My DM will happily admit though we were easy - my brother was a total potato (still is naturally at 30 🤣). I had age appropriate moments but was also generally very easy.

I still think this is the right way (but equally zero judgement to those who practice more authoritarian approaches), but gosh OP, does the description of your DD resonate. My DS is already pretty wild at 13 months and has been a demanding, law unto himself since birth really 😂 it’s early days but I already think I am going to need to be more direct with him then I maybe assumed - there is not a snowballs chance in hell he’d be allowed to rifle through somebody else’s buggy or prod another toddler. I suspect however he would be the sort of child that would naturally do these things without a lot of from direction from me/his dad.

Basically I agree with a lot of other PPs - the line between responsive and permissive parenting is often lost and actually, some kids need a lot more direction than others. If that direction doesn’t fit into the narrative of responsive parenting then so be it. I’m not going to prioritise my child’s feelings over destruction of somebody else’s child or property!

I have noticed that laid back parents are not so laid back when they think their child has been wronged. These parents won't control their own kids but will pull up other children. I had a friend who did this and I pulled right back from her when her kid attacked mine in front of her. She had a go at my kid when they defended themselves so that's when I decided to end things.

but it will be a relief when I can actually explain these things rather than her watching on in confusion when I enforce boundaries.

I think assuming that your child’s behaviour will be easier to manage when they are older might be a mistake… In my experience, toddlers are much easier to discipline because you can pick them up and remove them from the situation/strap them in a buggy/put them on a cot. As they get older they understand better what you expect of them but it doesn’t always get easier to get them to do what you want. Also their “problems” tend to be more complex. Eg my son is being really difficult at school at the moment but his best friend has just moved to the other side of the country and he’s not dealing with it well etc etc

Apologies for last night.

My attempt to explain that it was very possible the shouty playgroup woman did feel awful, and giving an example of my lovely friend who had s very difficult 3td child.

Which led to her being in s really bad way herself.

Being met with yes women like that should feel awful.

Made me s bit angry.

To wish that on any and all other women in that situation is to me, horrible.

Sorry OP.

Regardless of whether a shouty parent feels bad or not - they should not allow their child to hurt other children repeatedly.

People should remember that children soak up all the experiences going on around them.

Children need positive role models.

As a teacher of twenty years plus experience - the apple never falls far from the tree.

Never? Never ever ever. Not 1. In the whole world. Ever.

Regardless of whether they feel bad (crushed depressed in tears every evening etc) or not.

Well they should feel bad.. Apparently.

Children need POSITIVE role models.

I've taught a fair few children of 'shouty' mothers.

😔

There are some very rude and unempathetic people on this post.

OP, with respect, you have one child who is two. You don’t really know which direction your parenting will go in, and it is all to do with the child really. Pretty much all of us would really like to be 100% calm, non shouty parents. Not all of us have children who will respond best to that. And honestly, I would quite like to go back to parenting a 2 year old, in many ways it is much simpler.

And I don’t really think you can extract SEN from this conversation. It is a massive factor in how some people need to parent. I’m sure sometimes people might see me being what they consider to be permissive, and it’s to do with context, and what else is going on for my child. At other times they might see me being what they might feel is overly hard on him and that would be because at that moment he needs me to communicate firmly and clearly. He doesn’t really understand anything other than a hard no.

In some ways I’m really lucky because he is an absolute dream at school, and for other people, but that also makes life difficult because people don’t know/understand how he falls apart at home. I’ve just had to be pretty firm about something that has broken and I can’t fix because otherwise he will translate it as me not wanting to when the truth is it’s just broken.

Ah not just deserve to feel rock bottom but are terrible in general.

I think I understand your position pretty well now thanks.

Whose mouth are you trying to put words in?

Who exactly are you quoting?

@Permanentlygrumpy, so true. I have a friend like this. Her dd tore a strip of my neice's face, and she said nothing. The same woman who complains to school over the slightest thing ( and she's a ta!). She's completely oblivious to the monster she's creating ( sorry if that word offends anyone).

It was shorthand for this

'As a teacher of twenty years plus experience - the apple never falls far from the tree.'

Never ever ever ever ever.

@NiceGerbil

It was shorthand for this

'As a teacher of twenty years plus experience - the apple never falls far from the tree.'

Never ever ever ever ever.

Good to know I'm doomed.

Some people over exaggerate.

Repeating a determiner ad nauseam - nil points .

Personally, I don't.

I also teach a 'Children with Challenging Behaviour' course to adults - some of whom have been 'referred by Social Services'.

You'd be surprised how often parents have a detrimental effect on their children's lives.

You only have to read all the threads on here where 'children' have gone non-contact ....

There's a mum of DDs(5) friend, who

*almost rewards her DDs bad behaviour, I'm talking about general rudeness. Myself and the other mums who have a similar parenting style ignore it.
However if she was hurting my child I would say something! For me I think the line is if their child is doing something that I personally wouldn't tolerate but it isn't harming me of my child I won't say anything, if it's dangerous or harming others I will say something.

Obvious-

Quite! There's no hope.

@lalamo sorry for the delayed reply. Yes it's definitely an impulse thing. İt's like I tell her not to push the red button and she will grin and run even faster and harder to do that thing. But gradually as I repeat over and over again not to do those things, she is learning and her impulse control is getting better. I guess it's like a muscle that needs growing and training with repeated situations. She is definitely getting a lot happier and more manageable the more strict I am. I'm enjoying two a lot more than i enjoyed one!

The pp who said earlier about the nursery manager who wasn't able to discipline her own child reminded me of an article I read about an experienced and popular sleep trainer who, when she had her own baby, couldn't bring herself to sleep train the baby. I'll see if I can find it (Please no one turn this into a sleep training debate! 😭😂)

Definitely seems that there are some extremes out there. Like I breifly said in my initial post, this thread isn't about judging or analysing any kind of parenting style or behaivoural type, but more how to respond in situations where there are literally no boundaries being enforced and those behaviours are causing difficulties for others in private and public environments. İt's nice to read how different people respond.
For example, if someone's child was kicking your chair in an airplane, would you turn round and mention it directly to the parent or to the child?

LMAO. If only we all had the misplaced confidence of a woman with one, biddable two year old!

I hope your next one is gobby triplets. You’ll absolutely piss it of course!

@Peppapigforlife many many years ago I was on a flight from NY to Miami. Behind was a small child who kept firing his nerf gun at me. The mother was very unimpressed when I confiscated the pellets. I gave them back when we landed . Though he did persist in kicking my chair the whole way there.

I can categorically say that my child would not be allowed to behave like that on a plane, and nor would he because I would be interacting with him.

@smallredclip I actually find that quite offensive as I miscarried my DD's twin. Be careful what you say to people.