Parents who discipline their kids, how do you cope around those who don't ?

[Peppapigforlife]

This isn't a dig at any parenting style or type of people in particular but if you're a parent who instills rules and discipline in your child, how is it for you when you're with your child around friends who do the opposite? I personally find it quite hard to have another child constantly pushing on my boundaries and my DD's boundaries (different examples if experienced are going through my buggy when I'm not next to it, poking DD within an inch of her life because they think it's cute, asking me intrusive questions, giving toddler sweet after sweet at night time just because they keep asking, in front my my dd) whilst the parent just sits back and let's it happen. Just wondering if anyone has any tips or do you just avoid these types of parents?

'His mother was very shouty - like a fish wife - threatening him that he was 'going home if he did it again', which didn't happen. Her threats were empty.'

I had s friend who's dc3 was like this.

She just couldn't control him. Not her fault. He was just s massive handful.

She took him to stuff as she was at the end of her tether at home. She needed to get out.

She spent an awful lot of time crying, telling me she felt like s shit parent, that everyone must look at her and think she was s shit parent.

He's a lovely young chap now he's 13.

I don't know the woman you talk about obviously but sometimes it's so bad and you've tried everything that you're just worn down, guilty and depressed.

@NiceGerbil oh sorry I didn't see you had replied!

And if another child hurt you or the child you're with them you say something.

If a kid slammed into me non accidentally I'd say. That hurt. Don't do it again. Don't do that. Etc.

Did you say anything?

@NiceGerbil if I tell her we are going home I get a mixed bag of reactions. Sometimes she will get in her buggy and I say okay we're going home then she will jump out and decide she isn't going home. Other times she will ask to do the thing I've been asking her to do which is good, but then she doesn't do it. Other times she just laughs and runs off. İf it gets really bad and she gets control I give her a time out in the buggy or by a fence if we are just outside the house and I don't have the buggy. I must look like The Trunchbull to some unlooking parents but she's out of control and a danger to herself with any other kind of parenting.

But this isn't to say my friends who don't discipline should resort to the level I have to with my DD with timeouts and such. Just like please teach them the basic wrongs from right like going in someone else's bag, waving metal sticks around other children, tipping out every single toy in our house in the space of two minutes and running off.

@NiceGerbil

'His mother was very shouty - like a fish wife - threatening him that he was 'going home if he did it again', which didn't happen. Her threats were empty.'

I had s friend who's dc3 was like this.

She just couldn't control him. Not her fault. He was just s massive handful.

She took him to stuff as she was at the end of her tether at home. She needed to get out.

She spent an awful lot of time crying, telling me she felt like s shit parent, that everyone must look at her and think she was s shit parent.

He's a lovely young chap now he's 13.

I don't know the woman you talk about obviously but sometimes it's so bad and you've tried everything that you're just worn down, guilty and depressed.

I think that the way in which the mother is constantly shouting at her child in an aggressive manner is not helping. She's just teaching him to behave aggressively.

It certainly doesn't help the rest of the mothers and toddlers who want to use a sensory group either. It's just a very bad atmosphere.

I hope his mother feels bad - she makes everyone else feel bad.

She probably already feels bad and is bringing that bad to the group. I think in those situations it can be really really hard because that mother's mental health can depend on the structure of getting out of the house and having somewhere to go each day, indoors in the warm, which doesn't cost a fortune, even if it is a disaster whilst there, she's probably using that routine to try and improve that behaivour of the child. She isn't sitting at home keeping him locked up on an i pad whilst she watches TV, she genuinely wants him to interact and have a social life and to get out of the house for herself too. She doesn't want to make anyone else feel bad, she just wants her son to fit in. İf society was an easier place for all mothers she would have the support and probably be much more equipped to deal with his behaivour.

Really appreciate and enjoying this discussion everyone, thank you. I'm off to bed, looking forward to seeing more stories and experiences tomorrow. Hope you all have a great day tomorrow with lots of well behaved children!

I agree Peppa thank you for that.

I mean maybe she's awful maybe she isn't.

I only know how my friend's son was. And how sociable and outgoing she is.

Fairy- the fishwife comment is unnecessary. Saying she shouts gives the message. You can tell him yourself if he does something to you etc.

If it's a similarly 'lively' child to my friend then she will feel bad. Very bad. My friend as I mentioned cried every night. She felt like s failure. She had tried everything. She's a lovely woman. He was just totally uncontrollable. That was who he was. Her other 2 were fine.

He's at secondary now and is s very clever, outgoing, friendly, interesting young man.

You say you hope she feels bad. That means I assume you're happy that my friend was very depressed, very miserable, felt judged everywhere she went, was stressed all the time because she never knew when something was going to happen, what he would do next. I sat with her so many times while she sobbed and beat herself up.

It's nice to hear that you're glad she felt that way. Lovely.

OP she's very young. Will get better I promise :)

@Peppapigforlife

She probably already feels bad and is bringing that bad to the group. I think in those situations it can be really really hard because that mother's mental health can depend on the structure of getting out of the house and having somewhere to go each day, indoors in the warm, which doesn't cost a fortune, even if it is a disaster whilst there, she's probably using that routine to try and improve that behaivour of the child. She isn't sitting at home keeping him locked up on an i pad whilst she watches TV, she genuinely wants him to interact and have a social life and to get out of the house for herself too. She doesn't want to make anyone else feel bad, she just wants her son to fit in. İf society was an easier place for all mothers she would have the support and probably be much more equipped to deal with his behaivour.

It must be very confusing for a child to be told 'if you do that again you're going home', then he repeats unwanted behaviours and mother just repeats her mantra.

If you're going to threaten a child with sanctions, make sure you carry through with the consequence.

She's confusing her child and making herself look like a fool.

I don't like being body slammed and scratched by an out of control child. (On the same side as my frozen shoulder.). Even worse when the mother doesn't apologise.

I don't like watching other toddlers knocked off their feet by an out of control child.

This would not be tolerated in a school setting.

Why would anyone pay £45 for a block is sessions in which you're expected to tolerate injury?

@NiceGerbil

I agree Peppa thank you for that.

I mean maybe she's awful maybe she isn't.

I only know how my friend's son was. And how sociable and outgoing she is.

Fairy- the fishwife comment is unnecessary. Saying she shouts gives the message. You can tell him yourself if he does something to you etc.

If it's a similarly 'lively' child to my friend then she will feel bad. Very bad. My friend as I mentioned cried every night. She felt like s failure. She had tried everything. She's a lovely woman. He was just totally uncontrollable. That was who he was. Her other 2 were fine.

He's at secondary now and is s very clever, outgoing, friendly, interesting young man.

You say you hope she feels bad. That means I assume you're happy that my friend was very depressed, very miserable, felt judged everywhere she went, was stressed all the time because she never knew when something was going to happen, what he would do next. I sat with her so many times while she sobbed and beat herself up.

It's nice to hear that you're glad she felt that way. Lovely.

Yes - it's also lovely to pay a lot of money to end up injured.

NOT

I think it's sad but you can't be around people who won't discipline their children. And tbh maybe it's best they learn asap that if they raise arseholes, other children will avoid them. I see so many parents with school-age children saying that their little terror has no friends, didn't get invited to the party etc and mostly its their own fault as they haven't raised their child to be a nice person. There's a real parenting 'trend' of raising entitled, unpleasant kids right now, and not wanting to discipline them. It does them no favours. (I know I sound like I'm 100 but I do feel sorry for the people who have to marry and be work colleagues with the current generation of children in a decade or two!)

All kids get told off if they behave badly, doesn’t matter if they are mine, family, friends or strangers. Would expect others to tell my kids off too if needed. Even if the parents are there, I’ll tell them of their parents don’t.

I’m another who would avoid. I had a best friend of 30 years. We became friends in nursery. As we grew up We did everything together, including being bridesmaid at each other’s wedding. We had our children close in ages. When our firstborns were babies we attended baby groups and playgroups together. When they were around 2 years old my DS constantly took the brunt of DF’s DS smacking, kicking, lashing out at him. All DG offered was, “He’s only a baby. He doesn’t know any different”. I avoided them the best I could. When the boys started school my DS came home black and blue. DF’s DS had pushed him down the steep steps leading down to the school playground. School called DF in to discuss her sons aggressive behaviour, not only towards my DS but several other children too. DexF was having none of it and blamed the teacher for not supervising adequately. The teacher was beside herself. I haven’t spoken to ex friend since. The boys are in their 20’s now.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

I remember one young friend of my daughter's who always totally dominated the play and every time I entered a room my daughter was being sat on, jumped on , or tied up as a "prisoner" ...this child would not sit still at the table and eat ... and was always destroying things. Never again.

I must admit that I always watch those gps behind closed doors programmes with my judgy pants on when parents let their DC go jumping on the examination couch and rummaging through the doctors cabinets and don't say "no". That's probably unfair of me if the child is very young and they've been waiting a long time to see the doctor, and the mother is stressed and trying to concentrate on herself or another child but honestly, it's so unfair on the child if you don't prepare them for what is about to happen. "I need you to sit quietly please while I have an important talk with the doctor, do not touch anything, and afterwards if you behave nicely, we will go to the swings". It's not that hard. (Obviously talking about nt DC here.)

This is an interesting thread I have had first child in my 40’s so have seen and been involved in lots of friend and family members raising their children and seen both extremes of parenting and how different children’s personalities work with different styles. I also looked after a lot of these children and tried to follow their parents style of parenting as I have always felt consistency is the key. Now as a parent I try not to worry what other people think, I believe that people have the right to raise their children how they see fit, however, I have no qualms about doing the same with my child so if I’m with people who don’t set boundaries I make it really clear to my son that his are still in place for example friends kids do not sit down to eat unless have technology - that works for them but I expect mine to sit and eat nicely and he does, it’s never really been an issue. Also echo pp that I would intervene if hurting my dc or my property. For my child I try to follow a middle path, clear boundaries and natural consequences with lots of positive reinforcement, definitely don’t always get it right but have a happy child so I’m happy! I think it does him good to see a mix of parenting styles and behaviour growing up as he’ll be needing to mix with all sorts of people as he gets older! I want him to understand just because someone else does something it doesn’t mean he has to!

Sorry should have paragraphed that!!

I used to tell them off anyway in the realisation that these weren't people who I wanted to be friends with and I'm sure they felt the same.

@NiceGerbil

Jesus fairy.

You're a horrible person. Genuinely.

I'm a bit taken aback.

I shared a lot of info about my close lovely friend and you are pleased about the effect her dc3 had on her mental health and life.

If I were there it's you I would be avoiding tbh.

You are the one getting personal.

Not me.

Don't share information if you don't want it commenting on.

Parents should set clear boundaries whilst ensuring that their child's needs are fully met.

When children dictate how they are going to behave then it is a recipe for disaster.

Who is the adult in these situations?

Are you even an adult when you respond by 'name calling'?

Very childish.

@Peppapigforlife

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it hard. My child is only just two so can't have that conversation with her about why she can't eat three thousand sweets or run out of the playground without me, but another child can, but it will be a relief when I can actually explain these things rather than her watching on in confusion when I enforce boundaries.

Honestly you can say this to a 2 year old. My kids have allergies and from the age of two they would accept they couldn’t have certain food and before the age of 3 DD1 knew to as if the food was safe for her. Kids are surprisingly adaptable.

Alright let's not start making this personal, state your opinion and move on if you don't like the opinion that you read.

@Fitforforty oh yes I have no problem explaining to her her own set of rules, she's just not old enough to grasp in a conversation yet why other children don't follow those same rules.

[quote Peppapigforlife]@omgthepain that's not what I'm saying I'm saying there needs to be groups run by government places like the children centres just for SEN families so they can get out of the house and have some support for an hour or two a day.[/quote]
Apologies not read every post, but just wanted to comment that this quote reads very much like children with SEN should be kept separate and not go to general toddler groups in case their behaviour is bad.

All children should be welcome and parents should accept that children's behaviour will vary and there will be a myriad of reasons for that.

Part of children's socialisation is getting used to the fact that other people will behave in ways that may be difficult or different.

I get the general gist of the thread that it can be tricky when other parents don't discipline their children how you would yours, but equally, trying to be empathetic and understanding of other parents and children is important.

@Peppapigforlife May I ask you a question OP? The list of things that your DD has done recently (climbing up slide etc). Do you ever feel like she can't help herself? That she has poor impulse control? DDs friend will always just go ahead and do the thing she's been asked not to do and also does a lot of slide blocking and refusing to move etc. And I wonder if it's more than just being a bit of a daredevil.