Parents who discipline their kids, how do you cope around those who don't ?

[Peppapigforlife]

This isn't a dig at any parenting style or type of people in particular but if you're a parent who instills rules and discipline in your child, how is it for you when you're with your child around friends who do the opposite? I personally find it quite hard to have another child constantly pushing on my boundaries and my DD's boundaries (different examples if experienced are going through my buggy when I'm not next to it, poking DD within an inch of her life because they think it's cute, asking me intrusive questions, giving toddler sweet after sweet at night time just because they keep asking, in front my my dd) whilst the parent just sits back and let's it happen. Just wondering if anyone has any tips or do you just avoid these types of parents?

@TooTiredForToday I know what you mean. The one and only toddler group I took DD to, I ended up realising it's easier to put her into nursery because at least all the children there have to follow the same rules and kids aren't being hit on the head with toys by unruly pre schoolers, whilst the mum's sit in the corner chatting and ignoring. I also did a library rhyme time once when DD was 8 months old and a much older aggressive boy tried to purposely stamp on her, whilst the mum looked on passively. Yes okay just ignore the bad behaivour till it goes away even if it means someone gets hurt. İ had to swat him away and I nearly wanted to punch the mum.

I found the sweets thing hard because she was teaching him that if he just screamed he got more sweets and so we were forced to just listen to him screaming for sweets every two minutes for a good hour

With my own friends (whose children are older than mine but who parent differently to me) I go adults only. I don't see them with the children under the guise of 'I value my adult time, can we go to the pub/restaurant/spa etc etc'. I spent a while trying but when my friend allowed her 3 boys to use her sofa and window ledges as a running race course, leaping wildly from one to the other when I'd told my 3 and 5 year olds that we sit nicely on people's sofas I gave up.

In my own house, I make my house rules (which aren't many but I insist on nice manners, bottoms on sofas, no pushing/hitting/swearing) clear and with play date children (my child's friends from school) generally they comply without issue. Their Mums are there though with the age that were at and I get on with them so I do t think I'd have any problems.

It's harder in classes. I recently took my 3 year old to a structured toddler group. It's normally lovely, the children wander around nicely playing and any snatching or normal toddler rough and tumble and the mums step in and sort it. That week though a new boy came. He very obviously has SEN poor love (my eldest also has SEN, it was very obvious to me) and no one minded him running around and making a noise, but my god he was wild. Tipped every single toy box over his head on the individual mats sending toys flying, screamed in people's faces, picked up the toys and threw them at people, pushed the other children hard and snatched from them, picked up adults bags and threw them... all whilst the mum sat smiling indulgently or was looking at her phone. The class teacher stopped him in the end, it became a safety issue and actually completely destroyed the structure of the class.

I did tell him no firmly when he grabbed my bag, he kicked it and ran off. Mum was 2m from me, flicking through Facebook. That sort of parenting just sucks. It is hard parenting a child with SEN but I know from my own experience you need to be even more on top of them, not less!!

[quote Peppapigforlife]@EssentialHummus that would drive me mad too!!

@itsgettingweird I can't believe the mum said that! Those kids were clearly trying to show you who she really was! I've seen mums say similar things about who was to blame for their child's behaivour but it was before I had kids so it didn't infuriate me as much, just made me chuckle.[/quote]
What's worse is the mum is a teacher who quite happily gave me great descriptions of kids at school who misbehaved.

Most of whom sounded decidedly more well behaved than her two!

I took my daughter (now 6) to a baby group and another woman came with her husband, baby and the naughtiest toddler ever he was horrendous and trampled all over the babies blankets in shoes

I said the following week to her what everyone else was thinking
If you're both off work today why don't of you stay at
Home with your toddler as this isn't really working is it? It's not fair on the babies

The woman running the group tried to intervene said open for all then everyone backed me up

We didn't see her again thankfully!

@redheadonascooter that's really sad for that little boy too because without proper parenting he will always be seen as the naughty unruly child and will be isolated from other children who won't want to play with him. The mum sitting on her phone thinking it doesn't matter if he runs a bit wild in a toddler group because she deserves to be there too and she needs a break or whatever, is causing him long term harm in that situation. On the other hand I guess there needs to be a lot more support for parents of SEN and suitable groups they can go to with staff who can help out.

@Peppapigforlife

I'm sorry but I don't think it's acceptable for mums to sit on phones at groups with their kids running riot that's not on at all

If they need "a break" they need a nursery of childminder

Lots of these groups are run by volunteers not unpaid skivvys for people while they sit on phones

@omgthepain that's not what I'm saying I'm saying there needs to be groups run by government places like the children centres just for SEN families so they can get out of the house and have some support for an hour or two a day.

İt's not so easy to find an SEN nursery place

In my house I say what I would to my kids.

No. Don't do that. You'll break it.Or whatever.

Out of the house people I know i and if it's out of line I sometimes say no if I really don't like it. Also often it's an automatic reaction I don't think iyswim.

Annoying my kids is s no stop it as well.

I find it really odd. My friend I've known them for years. They are clever sensible normal you know. Like me.

And yet they seem to really be really pathetic about this. These are mums not dads.

With my friends (women) they seem to be able to tell their girls what to do much easier than their boys. I had a brother and they only had sisters or none. This is 4 of my friends I've seen this.

Could that make a difference, not having a brother? Dunno.

In our house DH is the soft one!

@NiceGerbil I don't think it's that because my friend has a really hard time saying no to her son and she only has a brother but there definitely is some kind of pattern there I believe

This is an interesting thread. I am a not strict parent and don't really do telling off, my DDs best friend has super strict parents. But her friend is by far the worst behaved of the two, always pushing boundaries, doing exactly what she's been asked not to do, and because she gets quite severely told off she's super sneaky too, and subversive. So it's not all one way with tolerance of other people's kids and parenting styles.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too strict with my DD because out with some friends or in toddler groups or the park I feel like I only hear my voice constantly disciplining my DD but hearing these stories is making me feel better.

Ah.

Toddler- they're not often developed enough to really get what's going on iyswim.

I would save it for when it's definitely non trivial. What sort of things are you telling her off for? I can't think of that many things to tell off for at the park! Unless she's goading strange dogs/ thumping other children/ eating random stuff off the floor etc

It would help if you gave some examples of when you are disciplining and the friends not.

@lalamo (why are there so many lala's on this thread? İs it a trend I've not heard of?)

That's an interesting observation but also from my perspective I was a super easy going mum in the beginning and always had been when looking after other peoples' kids and they had always been really well behaved around me because they respected that I was friendly and on their team. However, my DD has one of those really really cheeky, let me test you and start laughing about it personalities, and I had no choice but to become super strict about it. She is much happier and calmer now that I tell her off more often and it seems like she needs to push really hard for that intense reaction from me in order to feel settled and comfortable, she craves intensity in all avenues of life, and doesn't like it when I'm being my neutral self and gently guiding her ifsyim. İ followed all the gentle parenting techniques because that was my belief system and they only made her worse. I'd experienced it with one other child I babysat when I was pregnant and I hoped I wouldn't get a child like that but I did and I wouldn't change her. So a bystander may say oh she's acting out because you're too strict with her but I know she's acting out because that's her personality and she likes those really firm boundaries. I think her brain is very active and she can't stand the quiet and needs to act out so that I can direct her brain onto something different.

@nicegerbil where would you like me to begin?

Trying to leap off a two metre drop on the climbing frame.

Trying to get to the top of a spiderweb she knows I can't climb up her with and need her to come down to my head height.

For running off across a hundred metre park at the speed of light and trying to go out of the gate into the road.

Screaming at me to try and make me get a group of teenage boys to include her in their football match.

Trying to climb up the slide when others are coming down

Taking her shoes off and refusing to put them back on when there could be glass and stuff on the floor

Pushing people who won't go down the slide

There's more but it's making me hyperventilate to mention it all 😂

@Peppapigforlife yes I think you're on to something there. DD and friend have very different personalities and I do understand why friend's parents come down on her so hard (eg today she pulled our cats tail). But something that is also true - she avoids being at home at all costs, begs to come to our house or other friends houses, if no one will have her she plays outside. And in part that's because she is policed so relentlessly in my view.

Not really telling her off just disciplining her i.e. guiding her in the right direction. The kids I'm talking about not being disciplined are a lot older.

@lalamo is she an only child?

Children go through normal development phases of pushing boundaries. Giving them some is good. Overdoing it is not!

Can you give some examples at the park OP? I mean none of us know what you mean when you say you're strict!

You can find ways to help it as well.

The classic is choices. Do you want this or that to eat. Makes them feel they have some control (and who doesn't want to have s choice on food or t-shirt or whatever!) and you lose nothing.

My second child was a nightmare at bedtime. I realised it was because she was doing something enjoyable and suddenly it was bed now!

So I started saying it'll be bedtime in 10 mins. I'll tell you when 5 have gone. Trouble pretty much vanished.

That sort of stuff.

@Peppapigforlife No she's one of 3

I have just started taking my granddaughter to a sensory group - we've been twice.

Both times spoiled by a much older out of control boy who 'body slams' everyone.

He threw himself into me on my first visit as I was sat on the floor and he scratched my back with both hands.

He repeated this with several toddlers.

His mother was very shouty - like a fish wife - threatening him that he was 'going home if he did it again', which didn't happen. Her threats were empty.

Last week his mother was wrestling him and he was slapping her, kicking her, biting her and screaming at her. Again, she was threatening that he would be going home - but unfortunately he didn't.

Again, he hurt several children - no apologies from his mother, just more empty threats to the child.

If he's there next week I will be asking for my money back for the sessions because this is a safeguarding issue where toddlers are repeatedly getting hurt.

Why would you take your child to place they are being hurt/made to cry?

I would hope everyone else would ask for their money back as well and the organiser is left with just the one child who is uncontrollable.

If she wants a successful business she should deal with behavioural issues which make it pointless for others who are paying to have their children terrorised.

[quote Peppapigforlife]@nicegerbil where would you like me to begin?

Trying to leap off a two metre drop on the climbing frame.

Trying to get to the top of a spiderweb she knows I can't climb up her with and need her to come down to my head height.

For running off across a hundred metre park at the speed of light and trying to go out of the gate into the road.

Screaming at me to try and make me get a group of teenage boys to include her in their football match.

Trying to climb up the slide when others are coming down

Taking her shoes off and refusing to put them back on when there could be glass and stuff on the floor

Pushing people who won't go down the slide

There's more but it's making me hyperventilate to mention it all 😂[/quote]
Ok well you've got a spirited one!

My sympathies! Mine were compliant ish tbf. I have friends with children who are more... Lively. They are in their teens now and lovely kids.

I can't advise really. If you say no that's that we're going home what does she do. Go bonkers I imagine.

FWIW I've seen loads of parents in your situation, often wrangling a thrashing toddler away while they scream blue murder. It's not just you!

Are your friend kids doing that sort of thing though and not being told no - at least two are hard no as dangerous.

@NiceGerbil oh it's okay I wasn't looking for help on if I'm disciplining the right way, just ways to cope around people who have unruly children and don't do anything about it. İ.e. I would tell my daughter not to do something like don't touch that it's dangerous, or be gentle with the baby/dog etc , and they wouldn't .

@it could also be her personality if she's quite the type to be into everything. My DD hates being in our house too and has done since birth. I'm more laid back with her at home too because there's less dangers. As a newborn she would scream when I took her indoors at 7pm to bed in the quiet and make me take her back outside every single night (where she would instantly stop crying) and could only sleep with life going on around her. She hates missing out. I'm the same and was as a child too with two brothers who didn't mind being indoors. Just some food for thought. I don't know the family so can't judge but that's my experience of me and my spirited DD hating being in the house.