Eating a carrot is breaking my heart

[CarrotTrauma]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want linked to my other posts as could be outing to people who know me.

So tonight we have come down hard on our 7yo DC, they are currently bawling their heart out at the table, have been for over half an hour because we are making them eat a carrot, not even a whole carrot, it’s a quarter of a roasted carrot.

We’ve always been fairly relaxed with food. Never forced our DCs to eat food they don’t like, never made them go to bed hungry. The snack draw is always available, they must ask though. But the diet of one of our DCs has gotten so bad we have had to play hard ball.

Number 1, had always had an issue with fruit and veg, bad gag reflex even as a baby. As they have gotten older that gag reflex is still there but they do try and have got to the point where they can eat things they never could before, not a huge amount but are gradually progressing and overall we get some decent healthy food into them. A lot of this has been down to school encouragement in trying new healthy foods and eating with their friends as well as age.

Number 3 child, no problems at all, they will actually get upset if there isn’t enough fruit and veg. 95% of the time they will choose fruit of any sweets/chocolate.

But with number 2 it’s has gotten so bad. As a baby it wasn’t a problem until they started copying number 1 and refusing to eat fruit and veg. As they were close in age it was hard to stop this. They started to make progress at nursery and school and I wasn’t too worried as both told me they were eating stuff they wouldn’t at home and I thought that like number 1 they would get better especially eating at friends homes or friends coming to us as with number 1. But lockdown happened, so they stopped eating with their peers and stopped trying new things which they would happily do at school.

We’ve also moved during lockdown and they are in a new school, but since returning only dose packed lunches. Previously I could live with picking my battles because there were always meals I could sneak a bit of blended veg into and I knew I had the back up that at school they were at least trying and eating foods they refused at home. This isn’t to say I havnt tried, I’ve blended veg hidden it in many mice dishes, spread it on home made pizzas, tried cooking it in lots of various ways. They will eat a bowl of stew and at the end all the meat and gravy is gone and all the veg left. I’ve made novelty meals, got very creative in designing fun plates, but nothing works.

Just to show how bad it is, this is now my DCs diet,

Breakfast - toast with butter, beans or sausages. They use to eat cereal but after being introduced to krave through a relative this is now the only cereal they eat. The only other breakfast foods are pancakes with Nutella. We only allow the krave or anything Nutella related at weekends now. Which is why we started making hot foods during the week.

Lunch - ham sandwich, no other sandwich, will eat plain bread and butter. Pretzels, popcorn and maybe breadsticks. Absolutely nothing else.

Dinner - pizza (cheese n tomato only), sausages, chicken nuggets and chips, roast chicken, hot dogs and pasta, beans, meatballs and of course McDonalds. Won’t eat potatoes in any other form or rice, cous cous, eggs, obviously no veg at all. Will try other meats but not really fussed.

At home they spend all their time asking for snacks, their idea of a snack is chocolate, crisps, sweets, ice cream.... this is why we are at breaking point. We have no issue with our children eating these in moderation and with a healthy varied diet, but our 7yo dose not anything near this.

So tonight was the night we have got tough and stuck to our guns. I’ve had to go upstairs as I can’t bare the crying. Both DH and I have horrible memories of being forced to sit at the table and eat stewed to death veg and swore we would never do it. But we have run out of patience and need to do something before it’s to late.

How frustrating for you @CarrotTrauma 😓 I really wouldn’t force the issue too much as it’ll probably do more harm than good.

I haven’t been through it but have a friend who dealt with incredibly fussy eaters. She changed the way she served meals - starting with dinner. Dinner every night was served “family style” so everything was in separate serving dishes in the middle and DCs had empty plates. They could help themselves and have as much or as little as they wanted but had to try half of the items on offer. They already had a star chart system for chores so added to that was “try something extra at dinner” so if they tried an extra item then they got a star - didn’t make a big thing of it, it was just added to their chart. Just the change of the DCs serving themselves into their own plate rather than having things put infront of them seemed to help. Not sure if you’ve already tried similar but could be worth a go?

Would they get involved with the cooking? Get an easy kids cookbook with lots of pictures of the food and maybe once a week or once a fortnight ask them to pick something they like the look of and make it together? Might be a disaster or could encourage them to try things 🤷🏻‍♀️

Forcing can set up bad associations with food. I know it’s hard, my DS is a very picky eater and not much better than your own. He’s just started eating broccoli at age 8 and I feel like dancing on the ceiling!

However this has been years of work on my part.

I’m sorry I know that this will be hard to hear but I was forced at times to eat as a child, also a picky eater, and I STILL remember those times as it was awful. I just could not eat what I didn’t like and making me was the worse thing anyone could do. If you think about it, would you like to be forced to eat something?

There are two strands to what I’ve done with my DS, which I hope will help?
1 - Relaxing visibly around food. However getting as much good nutrition as possible without our children even noticing. We are like ducks, gliding on the surface but legs paddling! I kept up some ‘baby’ foods which had good ingredients but were smooth and edible. Smooth vegetable tomato sauce in pasta. Apple/fruit juice (not all the time but as a fruit supplement) - they now have smoothies with carrots in too for kids. Write down what they eat, write down what nutrition they are missing with a nutritionist if you can, and see how you can plug that gap with things they like already.
2- Whilst doing this, and being ever so relaxed. Encourage positive aspects of food in the most indirect way possible. Every day I put up ‘choices’ in little bowls, of small sliced snacks. Little portions. Leave them out, don’t way anything. Don’t worry if they aren’t eaten. Cook and have fun with food. Bring them shopping for vegetables just for fun. Let them help you cook them. Talk about health in a nice way. I always put a small new vegetable on DSs plate once a day, and vary it.

Make sure that the ‘bad’ things they eat don’t fill them up so much that they don’t want to try anything else too. For example have a light breakfast, and then put those little enticing snacks of ‘good food’ out just when they are really hungry, say before lunch!

@arethereanyleftatall

I'm not sure id force the carrot.

But, their diet is atrocious. You know that. Start by sitting them down, explaining they can't eat like that. All those foods, every single one, even ham sandwich or toast for breakfast, would be a once a week treat meal for my dc.

I'd sit them down, work out a menu with them which contains decent stuff, non negotiable, and take it from there.

Chicken nuggets, mcds etc won't be on the menu at all.

Toast or a ham sandwich is a once a week treat ? What do your dc eat ?

My now 21 year old son who is now at Leeds was addicted to chicken nuggets when he was 3!! He is a fully functioning,intelligent,fit adult and enjoying life.

if you grate carrot very very finely it can disappear into meat balls. make icream from frozen banana. try nim apple crisps
its likely he doesn't like the texture of fruit or veg
please google primitative reflexes not going dormant to see if this applies to him as could be why he struggles with textures.

Do you think either /both of them could have autistic traits? As that can make people limited in the range of things they're comfortable eating, even from a very young age. One could have these traits and then the other is just copying them maybe, as children sometimes do.

My DS who is going to be 15 in a couple of months is the fussiest eater. Up until the last 12 months he steadfastly refused to eat many different types of food. I admit I pandered to his irrational hatred of certain foods he didn’t like the look of by giving him sticks of raw carrot, cucumber and pepper which he’d eat, so he pretty much had this with every meal.

This changed when one day I realised I was actually picking out kidney beans from his chilli! I then realised just how much he was controlling our family dinner choices. So from then on I just ignored his complaints and just served up whatever we were having and although it took (literally) years he will now albeit begrudgingly eat most things.

I feel for you OP. I have one child like this. His diet consists of plain, pasta, bread, cheese, apples, crackers and he'd eat sweets all day long. If I give a sandwich, he removes the filling and eats the bread!

He literally gets up out of bed in the mornings chatting about how great Christmas is with all the chocolate Santa gives him!

I give a weekly treat of sweets or chocolate so it isn't as if he has been deprived of them since Christmas!

He doesn't exercise much and is getting quite chubby. I'm at my wits end.

You have my sympathy.

[Long-time lurker, my first post, as this is a subject close to my heart.]

Please, please, don’t make food a battleground. I’m an only child of a late marriage and my mother’s anxiety went through the roof over my avoidant food behaviour. It was horrendous and the entire wider family (both geographically and emotionally close) became invested in this battleground as it became increasingly entrenched and played out at family dos. I even went to stay with a relative who was adamant they’d have me eating ‘normally’ in a few days.

They didn’t. It became a huge battle of wills and hugely upset my mother, who carried a bitterness about it to the end of her life. So if you make it a huge source of fuss, hovering, anxiety, upset, cajoling, begging, forcing, anger, stress, or even just comment, it will end up creating a legacy for both you and your child.

Family dos were a nightmare with relatives commenting and cajoling. One Christmas, aged about 9, I was quite distressed at everyone fussing over me eating just dry bread, and my older teenage male cousin said quietly, ‘Come on, I’ll join you in eating some bread’ and tucked in in solidarity, an act of kindness that brings tears to my eyes even now.

In my 50s I now recognise that I have entrenched ARFID, much improved over many years, but still with foods I won’t eat - a direct legacy of the huge issue food would become. My now husband was relaxing to be with, because even when we were dating he expressed no surprise and made no comment at anything I ate or didn’t eat, and I further expanded my food repertoire in a safe way with him.

Now here’s a twist in the tale: it took my husband to recognise that my food history was a response to the stress I had as a toddler when I lost my hearing, as it happened about then. I’m not saying that ARFID has a physical or psychological cause in every case, so not wishing to alarm OP or anyone else, but it was definitely the trigger in my case in a bewildering world, and my other senses, smell and taste, were (and still are) heightened, so food that was yucky had an extra yuck factor. To my parents there was no correlation, and it was just another issue they had to deal with.

I so wished that my parents had taken my husband’s relaxed attitude. They were otherwise loving and constructive parents and a huge help to me in my education and negotiating being deaf, but it was definitely a blind spot of theirs to the point that even in the last years of my mother’s life a casual mention of my food issues resulted in a huge well of bitterness and anger.

Please step back, let them eat their safe foods, and try and introduce foods on a separate plate and let them just try, without comment. No comment, whether positive or negative. That attention, focus and investment when a child is being tentative in trying food, is off-putting and I’m sure without being the focus of such intense attention, it would have felt more ‘safe’ to try new things, because then if I didn’t like it or only wanted a tiny bit, it wouldn’t have been a matter for comment. If all you get for your attempts is anger or cajoling, it’s not positive reinforcement but a negative one, and I just stopped trying.

All those foods, every single one, even ham sandwich or toast for breakfast, would be a once a week treat meal for my dc.

I wouldn't want to live in a world where a piece of toast for breakfast is considered a once a week treat

What the fuck is the matter with a fucking ham sandwich?!

Fuck sake I hate this place sometimes.

@CarrotTrauma

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want linked to my other posts as could be outing to people who know me.

So tonight we have come down hard on our 7yo DC, they are currently bawling their heart out at the table, have been for over half an hour because we are making them eat a carrot, not even a whole carrot, it’s a quarter of a roasted carrot.

We’ve always been fairly relaxed with food. Never forced our DCs to eat food they don’t like, never made them go to bed hungry. The snack draw is always available, they must ask though. But the diet of one of our DCs has gotten so bad we have had to play hard ball.

Number 1, had always had an issue with fruit and veg, bad gag reflex even as a baby. As they have gotten older that gag reflex is still there but they do try and have got to the point where they can eat things they never could before, not a huge amount but are gradually progressing and overall we get some decent healthy food into them. A lot of this has been down to school encouragement in trying new healthy foods and eating with their friends as well as age.

Number 3 child, no problems at all, they will actually get upset if there isn’t enough fruit and veg. 95% of the time they will choose fruit of any sweets/chocolate.

But with number 2 it’s has gotten so bad. As a baby it wasn’t a problem until they started copying number 1 and refusing to eat fruit and veg. As they were close in age it was hard to stop this. They started to make progress at nursery and school and I wasn’t too worried as both told me they were eating stuff they wouldn’t at home and I thought that like number 1 they would get better especially eating at friends homes or friends coming to us as with number 1. But lockdown happened, so they stopped eating with their peers and stopped trying new things which they would happily do at school.

We’ve also moved during lockdown and they are in a new school, but since returning only dose packed lunches. Previously I could live with picking my battles because there were always meals I could sneak a bit of blended veg into and I knew I had the back up that at school they were at least trying and eating foods they refused at home. This isn’t to say I havnt tried, I’ve blended veg hidden it in many mice dishes, spread it on home made pizzas, tried cooking it in lots of various ways. They will eat a bowl of stew and at the end all the meat and gravy is gone and all the veg left. I’ve made novelty meals, got very creative in designing fun plates, but nothing works.

Just to show how bad it is, this is now my DCs diet,

Breakfast - toast with butter, beans or sausages. They use to eat cereal but after being introduced to krave through a relative this is now the only cereal they eat. The only other breakfast foods are pancakes with Nutella. We only allow the krave or anything Nutella related at weekends now. Which is why we started making hot foods during the week.

Lunch - ham sandwich, no other sandwich, will eat plain bread and butter. Pretzels, popcorn and maybe breadsticks. Absolutely nothing else.

Dinner - pizza (cheese n tomato only), sausages, chicken nuggets and chips, roast chicken, hot dogs and pasta, beans, meatballs and of course McDonalds. Won’t eat potatoes in any other form or rice, cous cous, eggs, obviously no veg at all. Will try other meats but not really fussed.

At home they spend all their time asking for snacks, their idea of a snack is chocolate, crisps, sweets, ice cream.... this is why we are at breaking point. We have no issue with our children eating these in moderation and with a healthy varied diet, but our 7yo dose not anything near this.

So tonight was the night we have got tough and stuck to our guns. I’ve had to go upstairs as I can’t bare the crying. Both DH and I have horrible memories of being forced to sit at the table and eat stewed to death veg and swore we would never do it. But we have run out of patience and need to do something before it’s to late.

I wouldn’t replace the snacks and Krave when it’s gone. Just stop buying them.

The rest of it isn’t too bad. Get them to make pizzas themselves at home (make the sauces / offer them a selection of veg and cheese) and it could encourage them to try more. With rice try it as congee - many kids prefer that texture. If you put their fav foods in it they’ll like it.

When little, I would put several things on DCs plates when introducing new foods, e.g. few slices of carrot, red pepper and spring onion. They have the game of touch and smell all three, lick one and eat one, more positive feedback if they eat two.

Playing with food is not naughty and removes pressure. Mine are now fairly relaxed at trying new foods as they know some foods are for playing with, with low expectations of being eaten but praise if they do. It's about familiarity and slow introductions.

With the fruit, will he eat “special” fruit? Like strawberries, melon, etc? DS loves his cake and sweets, but a bowl of raspberries basically ARE sweets, from a child’s perspective.

Didn't rtft but what I do is that I don't force them to eat whatever is served, but I also don't give them anything else. Their choice whether or not they eat it.

So for instance yesterday the menu was cauliflower with bechamel sauce (sooo yummy) and yoghurt. My son didn't finish his cauliflower and had the yoghurt. All good. But when he asked for another yoghurt I said no, if you're still hungry there's cauliflower left over in your plate.

Sometimes he's gone to bed without eating much at all. I have zero issues with that (he's clearly not starving and a healthy weight, and I gave him multiple chances to change his mind).

I think it's a good solution as it is stress free and allows both parties to control what they can and accept what they can't. I control what I put on the table, my son control whether he eats it.

Just to add, I think you're unnecessarily stressing yourself out by thinking they must eat "something" so if they don't eat the vegetable you have to eventually cave and give them what they want. If you do that they'll learn that all they have to do is hold out long enough and they'll get what they want. Not a great life lesson to teach them. If you're worried about them going hungry (not that a skipped meal ever killed anyone...) you can make sure there's fresh fruit available to them throughout the day.

Another suggestion is to get them involved in preparing the meals.That is fun, they may be excited about eating what they've helped cook, they will understand better what they're eating, and they can even help adapt the recipe for their tastes (for instanc, say they hate spinach, you could brainstorm with them what you can replace the spinach with.) And it doesn't have to be boiled vegetable either, could be vegetarian lasagna for instance or other nice but healthy(ier) food.

Stop forcing the issue and be more relaxed and fun about it. You eat it slowly in front of them and say it's delicious or whatever but don't force it. It will come in time.

OP I have to admit I'm a bit taken back by your post. It seems that you let your dc decide what they eat and you even negotiate with them about what food you'll be cooking. Really?! And what is the purpose of this 'snack drawer' that is filled with unhealthy things? Crisps and chocolates are not snacks, they are treats! Treats are for special occasions only. In our family that's weekends, birthdays etc.. No weekdays.

I never force my children to eat anything that makes them gag. I also have bad memories of being forced to do so at home and in school.. But in our house the parents are in charge. We cook what we like and the children will have to just deal with it. Plenty of times they turn up at mealtimes and go EWWW i don't like this food and try to throw a tantrum, but I just tell them that it can't be their favourite every day. Today it's this, tomorrow it's something else.

My eldest for example hates potatoes. In any form..mashed, boiled, roasted etc. My Dh and I love potatoes. So we fill DCs plate with a bit of potato, and lots of everything else. I tell him he has to try the mash every time, but he is allowed to leave it if he eats everything else. If he could, he would exist solely on plain pasta, white bread and sugary things. Which is exactly why he doesn't get to decide! Hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza, crisps, chocolates, jam toasts etc are treats and we only have them at weekends. They are not every day foods.

I think you've become so concerned about causing your dc any psychological stress that you've ended up disadvantaging their physical health. The grown ups do the cooking and grocery shopping! The kids will just have to deal with it. If there's nothing unhealthy in the house, the 7 year old will just have to eat what's there. My eldest claims to hate bananas and apples for example, but if I peel and chop them and leave them out, he will help himself. If there was a treat jar somewhere in the house guess what he'd choose instead? Exactly..

Toothpaste great post

My eldest for example hates potatoes. In any form..mashed, boiled, roasted etc. My Dh and I love potatoes. So we fill DCs plate with a bit of potato, and lots of everything else. I tell him he has to try the mash every time, but he is allowed to leave it if he eats everything else.

Why? If you know he hates it then why?

Would you like to be told you had to try a bit of something you know you disliked just because others where eating it?

I agree @Toothpaste123. Especially that crisps, chocolate and cake are not 'snacks'. They're treats and, while not forbidden, should not be generally available.

@Sirzy. Children change their minds so often about what they like that it makes sense to ask them to try some. My DC insisted the other day that he didn't like melon...ten minutes later, half the melon was gone.

Toast and milk is supper every night in our house.

I can not understand this obsession with force feeding children food they don’t like and making meal times unhappy. Meal times should be THE time a family sit down together and enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve got three kids. All different in there taste for veg. No one gets shouted at or made to cry over not eating a bloody carrot!

Making things available is one thing. Forcing them to try something they don’t like is another.