Eating a carrot is breaking my heart

[CarrotTrauma]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want linked to my other posts as could be outing to people who know me.

So tonight we have come down hard on our 7yo DC, they are currently bawling their heart out at the table, have been for over half an hour because we are making them eat a carrot, not even a whole carrot, it’s a quarter of a roasted carrot.

We’ve always been fairly relaxed with food. Never forced our DCs to eat food they don’t like, never made them go to bed hungry. The snack draw is always available, they must ask though. But the diet of one of our DCs has gotten so bad we have had to play hard ball.

Number 1, had always had an issue with fruit and veg, bad gag reflex even as a baby. As they have gotten older that gag reflex is still there but they do try and have got to the point where they can eat things they never could before, not a huge amount but are gradually progressing and overall we get some decent healthy food into them. A lot of this has been down to school encouragement in trying new healthy foods and eating with their friends as well as age.

Number 3 child, no problems at all, they will actually get upset if there isn’t enough fruit and veg. 95% of the time they will choose fruit of any sweets/chocolate.

But with number 2 it’s has gotten so bad. As a baby it wasn’t a problem until they started copying number 1 and refusing to eat fruit and veg. As they were close in age it was hard to stop this. They started to make progress at nursery and school and I wasn’t too worried as both told me they were eating stuff they wouldn’t at home and I thought that like number 1 they would get better especially eating at friends homes or friends coming to us as with number 1. But lockdown happened, so they stopped eating with their peers and stopped trying new things which they would happily do at school.

We’ve also moved during lockdown and they are in a new school, but since returning only dose packed lunches. Previously I could live with picking my battles because there were always meals I could sneak a bit of blended veg into and I knew I had the back up that at school they were at least trying and eating foods they refused at home. This isn’t to say I havnt tried, I’ve blended veg hidden it in many mice dishes, spread it on home made pizzas, tried cooking it in lots of various ways. They will eat a bowl of stew and at the end all the meat and gravy is gone and all the veg left. I’ve made novelty meals, got very creative in designing fun plates, but nothing works.

Just to show how bad it is, this is now my DCs diet,

Breakfast - toast with butter, beans or sausages. They use to eat cereal but after being introduced to krave through a relative this is now the only cereal they eat. The only other breakfast foods are pancakes with Nutella. We only allow the krave or anything Nutella related at weekends now. Which is why we started making hot foods during the week.

Lunch - ham sandwich, no other sandwich, will eat plain bread and butter. Pretzels, popcorn and maybe breadsticks. Absolutely nothing else.

Dinner - pizza (cheese n tomato only), sausages, chicken nuggets and chips, roast chicken, hot dogs and pasta, beans, meatballs and of course McDonalds. Won’t eat potatoes in any other form or rice, cous cous, eggs, obviously no veg at all. Will try other meats but not really fussed.

At home they spend all their time asking for snacks, their idea of a snack is chocolate, crisps, sweets, ice cream.... this is why we are at breaking point. We have no issue with our children eating these in moderation and with a healthy varied diet, but our 7yo dose not anything near this.

So tonight was the night we have got tough and stuck to our guns. I’ve had to go upstairs as I can’t bare the crying. Both DH and I have horrible memories of being forced to sit at the table and eat stewed to death veg and swore we would never do it. But we have run out of patience and need to do something before it’s to late.

[DoLallyTapMum]

It sounds like your DC is possibly phobic but largely just wants their own way and is getting it. I say this because you have listed lots of things they used to eat but now won’t. I don’t mind if my DS doesn’t eat something he doesn’t like but I won’t allow him to start refusing foods on a whim that he’s previously eaten. For instance you say they won’t eat bolognese because it has tomatoes in even though they previously ate it, nor eggs even though they used to have omelettes.

My approach would be:

1. get them involved in cooking
   
2. cheerily offer healthy options but don’t offer anything else. E.g. pasta with bolognese sauce but there is no pudding or snacks if they don’t try some dinner.
   
   My DS refused dinner a few times and once he learned it meant no pudding or milk he stopped refusing to eat any. As my mother always said, your child won’t starve themselves, so if they refuse to eat then just say ‘ok, but then you can’t be hungry so you don’t need anything else’.

[AccidentallyOnPurpose]

@DoLallyTapMum

It sounds like your DC is possibly phobic but largely just wants their own way and is getting it. I say this because you have listed lots of things they used to eat but now won’t. I don’t mind if my DS doesn’t eat something he doesn’t like but I won’t allow him to start refusing foods on a whim that he’s previously eaten. For instance you say they won’t eat bolognese because it has tomatoes in even though they previously ate it, nor eggs even though they used to have omelettes.

My approach would be:
1) get them involved in cooking
2) cheerily offer healthy options but don’t offer anything else. E.g. pasta with bolognese sauce but there is no pudding or snacks if they don’t try some dinner.

My DS refused dinner a few times and once he learned it meant no pudding or milk he stopped refusing to eat any. As my mother always said, your child won’t starve themselves, so if they refuse to eat then just say ‘ok, but then you can’t be hungry so you don’t need anything else’.

I ended up in hospital more than once. I was even more of a pain in the butt than DD.

[clare8allthepies]

I feel for you, we’ve had a similar struggle with our 7 year old and it really does wear you down. I’ve read all of the books and tactics like DOR that everyone convinced me would solve all of the issues didn’t help at all.

We have really started to make progress in the last 6 months or so, I’m not sure why, it might just be getting older. I would be tempted to see if the GP can refer you for some help as he is regressing in his choices.

Ignore the people saying give them veg or starve as they don’t know what it’s like to have kids that would genuinely rather starve.

[Sadieeloise5687]

Omg I’m really shocked at your children’s diet (sorry!)! Their salt intake is WAY too high and will be causing them all sorts of health problems.

Im sorry to say it but you are to blame by being too lax on their diet and not insisting they eat fruit and veg when they were younger. They’ve got into this state somehow...

You need to be strict and keep trying with the healthy food. You need to present each new food up to 60 times(!) before they may accept it. Also use peer pressure and invite their friends round to eat (from 17 may!) who you know eat well. One of my DCs friends comes round and eats their green veg first, says yum and asks for more - that’s what you should be aiming for!

[Misty9]

Children really WILL let themselves starve for all those saying they won't

[motherloaded]

Ham sandwich for lunch or toast for breakfast is not once a week treat food. You have an unhealthy relationship with food if this is your opinion and you shouldn't be influencing your children's food habits

I can't believe people actually think that.

Normalising junk food and calling "unhealthy" being against a bad diet? Seriously?

[OhCrumbsWhereNow]

You cannot win this. You cannot make a child sleep or eat if they don't want to, you just end up with a battle of wills.

One of my siblings ate nothing but nutella on toast for years. Just refused other food. My dad was a doctor so stuck him on a multivitamin, made him toast with nutella and ignored it.

He's now well over 6ft and eats pretty much everything.

My 12 year old DD has an endocrine growth disorder which also seems to mean she is very rarely hungry or tired. She refused any food at all till she was over 3 and has been uber fussy ever since. Hospital said to try everything and if she just wanted chocolate and crisps then hooray at least she was swallowing something (didn't even want those). She now pretty much lives on ramen noodles or chicken nuggets. I have long given up - DH and I have varied and healthy home-cooked meals that are of the type that most children would happily eat. If she doesn't like what we are having then she has to cook her own noodles.

Hospital say that she is perfectly healthy despite the atrocious diet (full bloods done every time), and she has vast amounts of energy so I try and encourage her to occasionally try a bite of something in case she might surprise herself rather than insisting.

[BrownEyedGirl80]

It's a carrot! Move on ffs.

[AccidentallyOnPurpose]

@motherloaded

Ham sandwich for lunch or toast for breakfast is not once a week treat food. You have an unhealthy relationship with food if this is your opinion and you shouldn't be influencing your children's food habits

I can't believe people actually think that.

Normalising junk food and calling "unhealthy" being against a bad diet? Seriously?

Ham and toast are junk food now?

[Esse321]

I have a snack drawer for my kids, i also encourage them to make good choices - it may not be perfect but it works for us.

[Rupertbeartrousers]

I don’t mean to be critical, but you mention other people introducing the krave cereal or less healthy crisps and now you’re stuck with those things... it strikes me that this experience has damaged your confidence to shop and provide food, maybe some help from a dietician/nutritionist might help you re-establish better habits and more confidence?

I think the snack drawer is a problem, I find keeping the snacks more boring than the dinner options at least sharpens their appetite for mealtimes and find they snack only if they’re genuinely hungry rather than having boredom munchies.

[Sadieeloise5687]

Ham and bread are really high in salt - too high for children to have too much of them. A ham sandwich a day for example is very unhealthy. Processed meats have also been proved linked with cancer.

[Misty9]

This is a decent explanation of ARFID www.clinical-partners.co.uk/child-adolescents/eating-disorders-in-children-and-adolescents/arfid and mentions how gagging or choking can be the precipitant. You've got a younger dc too I think? Might be worth asking the health visitor for signposting if they're under 5 (your youngest).

[PattyPan]

@00100001 don’t be facetious.
Processed meat including ham is known to be a cause of colorectal cancer. The same doesn’t go for all foods.

[MargaretThursday]

@ChristmasJumpers

He probably doesn't, but consider the possibility that DS2 could have ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). It's a fear response to food but can look more like refusal to eat.

I have this and it stays with you for life. Being forced to stay at the table if he does have ARFID will not make him eat the carrot - nothing will. I battle all the time to increase what I eat (dieting is a nightmare). But if someone tried to make me eat carrots when I felt I couldn't, it would just make me worse.

@ChristmasJumpers
I'd never heard of this, but it describes my eating. Thank you.

[ChristmasJumpers]

@MargaretThursday definitely look it up. I only realised it had a name a few years ago and it explains a lot of my eating habits. I'm lucky as I eat enough of each food group but eating out, dieting and trying to eat varied meals are all a nightmare!

[wasgoingmadinthecountry]

I work with families who never ever cook. Equally, I've heard from HV friends about the muesli mums who only ever give their children super duper foods. Neither is great for kids nutritionally.

Life (and parenting) is a long term thing. Balance in all things. Yes I know too much bread is bad but only on MN is toast junk food!! Everything is relative.

[AccidentallyOnPurpose]

[quote PattyPan]@00100001 don’t be facetious.
Processed meat including ham is known to be a cause of colorectal cancer. The same doesn’t go for all foods.[/quote]
That's why it's recommended that people who eat more than 90g (cooked weight) of red and processed meat a day cut down to 70g or less. This could help reduce your risk of bowel cancerr_.

Children over 5 should eat a balanced diet, as shown in the proportions on the Eatwell Guidee_. This should include meat or other sources of protein. Children do not need as much food as adults, and the amount they need depends on their age and size.
For babies and children under 5, get advice on introducing them to white and red meat, and other solid foodss_.


There's risk and there's cutting stuff out and deeming it junk and unhealthy because you read a study once.

[KittyKatChonky]

wouldn't put up with that. Mine ate what they were given or starve basically. I didn't have chocolate or crisps in the house at all and would not tolerate whining. A child cannot maintain good health on a limited junk food diet like that

But a child CAN maintain good health by being starved?

[ILikePizzaAndWine]

Oh god. I hear you. My youngest was awful, improving but not amazing.

Bribes. Bargaining. Rewards. Challenges.

To give you hope, there’s a photo of me nailing a glass of wine on my IG in 2019 when they took more than 45 mins to eat one fajita as they were scared of peppers. They are now their fave food.

I’d say pick your battles and listen to their concerns. Mine doesn’t like fruit. They don’t like things exploding in their mouth, or sweetness. So they just have multiple carrots, green beans, broccoli etc and bananas. I don’t push strawberries or tomatoes, I even put frozen peas in lunch boxes 🤣

It’s not what I wanted, but a massive improvement.

Also. Whilst I agree about not forcing, a little power battle where you prove your not a pushover isn’t a bad thing. I’m not saying force feed, but don’t stop putting on their plate and no pudding if it’s still there.

Good luck x

[Sadieeloise5687]

Op for context this is what my 6 year old eats on a typical day which id say I’d fairly normal amongst her friends-

Breakfast - porridge with syrup or weetabix
Snack - fruit at school
Lunch - school dinner
Snack - fruit and an oaty bar or piece of toast, sometimes treats like a small piece of chocolate if they eat fruit first that sort of thing
Dinner - salmon, pasta, green beans, broccoli, fruit and yogurt for pudding.

[MargaretThursday]

@ChristmasJumpers
Reading about it now. I can so identify with it, except I don't lose weight because I top on up junk like biscuits and milk.

The less I eat the less hungry I feel, so if I stop eating, then I don't get hungry. That isn't as great as it sounds.

[Sadieeloise5687]

Honestly it’s about presenting the same food over and over (20, 30, 50 times). One of mine screamed when presented with boiled egg the first time. It took ten attempt for him to try it and not just eat the toast. It’s now one of his favourite foods...!

[MzHz]

@SummerHouse

Hey mate. I am hand holding in the time of covid. I totally understand. We do all the things. Eat together. Food on the table to help selves. Never force. Never reward. Get nowhere. It sucks.

Tomorrow is another day.

There are lots of children with far worse diets.

Really kind, really wise advice

[Doublechocolatetiffin]

I feel your pain, I'm having to go through dietary restrictions due to allergies and its highlighted how poor and limited my children's diet is. I read a book a few days ago on how to deal with fussy eaters, it made a lot of sense to me and I'm trying to implement the strategies. Basically it's all about making meals a nice sociable time so they enjoy it. You choose what food is available, but they choose which bits they eat. Use small portions so they aren't overwhelmed and never force them to eat something as it creates a battle you will lose. Get them involved in cooking to encourage them to handle different foods.

The book is called getting the little blighters to eat. My 2yo voluntarily ate a bit of cucumber today which is huge. I really hope it helps, it's only short so might be worth a read to give you some ideas.