Eating a carrot is breaking my heart

[CarrotTrauma]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want linked to my other posts as could be outing to people who know me.

So tonight we have come down hard on our 7yo DC, they are currently bawling their heart out at the table, have been for over half an hour because we are making them eat a carrot, not even a whole carrot, it’s a quarter of a roasted carrot.

We’ve always been fairly relaxed with food. Never forced our DCs to eat food they don’t like, never made them go to bed hungry. The snack draw is always available, they must ask though. But the diet of one of our DCs has gotten so bad we have had to play hard ball.

Number 1, had always had an issue with fruit and veg, bad gag reflex even as a baby. As they have gotten older that gag reflex is still there but they do try and have got to the point where they can eat things they never could before, not a huge amount but are gradually progressing and overall we get some decent healthy food into them. A lot of this has been down to school encouragement in trying new healthy foods and eating with their friends as well as age.

Number 3 child, no problems at all, they will actually get upset if there isn’t enough fruit and veg. 95% of the time they will choose fruit of any sweets/chocolate.

But with number 2 it’s has gotten so bad. As a baby it wasn’t a problem until they started copying number 1 and refusing to eat fruit and veg. As they were close in age it was hard to stop this. They started to make progress at nursery and school and I wasn’t too worried as both told me they were eating stuff they wouldn’t at home and I thought that like number 1 they would get better especially eating at friends homes or friends coming to us as with number 1. But lockdown happened, so they stopped eating with their peers and stopped trying new things which they would happily do at school.

We’ve also moved during lockdown and they are in a new school, but since returning only dose packed lunches. Previously I could live with picking my battles because there were always meals I could sneak a bit of blended veg into and I knew I had the back up that at school they were at least trying and eating foods they refused at home. This isn’t to say I havnt tried, I’ve blended veg hidden it in many mice dishes, spread it on home made pizzas, tried cooking it in lots of various ways. They will eat a bowl of stew and at the end all the meat and gravy is gone and all the veg left. I’ve made novelty meals, got very creative in designing fun plates, but nothing works.

Just to show how bad it is, this is now my DCs diet,

Breakfast - toast with butter, beans or sausages. They use to eat cereal but after being introduced to krave through a relative this is now the only cereal they eat. The only other breakfast foods are pancakes with Nutella. We only allow the krave or anything Nutella related at weekends now. Which is why we started making hot foods during the week.

Lunch - ham sandwich, no other sandwich, will eat plain bread and butter. Pretzels, popcorn and maybe breadsticks. Absolutely nothing else.

Dinner - pizza (cheese n tomato only), sausages, chicken nuggets and chips, roast chicken, hot dogs and pasta, beans, meatballs and of course McDonalds. Won’t eat potatoes in any other form or rice, cous cous, eggs, obviously no veg at all. Will try other meats but not really fussed.

At home they spend all their time asking for snacks, their idea of a snack is chocolate, crisps, sweets, ice cream.... this is why we are at breaking point. We have no issue with our children eating these in moderation and with a healthy varied diet, but our 7yo dose not anything near this.

So tonight was the night we have got tough and stuck to our guns. I’ve had to go upstairs as I can’t bare the crying. Both DH and I have horrible memories of being forced to sit at the table and eat stewed to death veg and swore we would never do it. But we have run out of patience and need to do something before it’s to late.

OP read my post about my 32 year old husband. This is what could happen.

I had a similar diet as a child of that age.

My palette didn't really expand until I was older - I wasn't being awkward, I just didn't like a lot of flavours and textures until my mouth grew up. Nothing could have made that happen any sooner; children mature at different rates in different areas of their lives. I'm actually the least fussy person I know now, which is incredible when you consider at one point in my life, I too lived off toast and ham sandwiches and McDonald's.

I suppose the thing about toast, ham sandwiches and McDonald's is that it's really safe. You know what you're getting. The same with those processed foods like Chicago Town pizzas. It doesn't change flavour or texture - you know what it should taste like, and that's the way it's served to you. Food is hugely emotional, and sometimes you need it to be safe, even if there's nothing massively wrong or obviously scary with your life.

I hated hidden veg as a child and would refuse to eat it on principle. Would you like someone to deliberately trick you and manipulate you? Exactly. Adding hidden veg to someone's meal takes away that safety, and it's not nice. Good food is comforting; it's not just fuel, it soothes the soul. Your DC is old enough to understand the concept of being fooled and to hate it.

I found it much easier sitting down to dinner with my mum and occasionally trying food off her plate. I could see it from a safe distance and take my time to consider it, and if I didn't eat it, it wasn't my problem. It was on her plate, so it was hers. I like my time to process information, so if I saw something that might not be terrible on her plate, I might not be open to trying it the first time I saw it, but on a subsequent occasion, having already mulled it over and thought about how she'd described the taste and texture. I was also far more open to trying things off her plate when it became my choice and trying food wasn't a rule or an expectation. Do you like making your own choices? Most kids do too.

Carrots are an interesting vegetable to bring up, because they can change dramatically depending on how you prepare them. I mean, I'll eat carrot these days in any shape or form, but there are some versions I merely tolerate, and some I absolutely love. You're not going to change my mind about how I feel about some way of prepping/cooking them, but you can make me love carrots more by feeding them to me in a different format.

I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't let people make you feel like a shit parent for feeding your child an imperfect diet which doesn't neatly match the Eatwell diagrams with a vast array of differently coloured fruit and vegetables. It's not a hill to die over. A bite of carrot isn't going to change your child's life.

Take the pressure off food, create opportunities to try and demystify food, but don't force. It's highly unlikely your child will have a limited palette forever.

I honestly would forget the carrot for your sakes and your DC. Life is hard enough. For over a year it’s been scary, stressful and hard. Your DC have had a lot of change with a move and a new school and all that in the time of covid. Is there any fruit or an veg they will eat - doesn’t matter what it is. If they’ll eat it give them it as often as you can.

In terms of new tastes I’d perhaps put one new thing a week on their plates in a tiny amount - a teaspoonful or one bite. Offer incentives for trying it - 10 mins extra staying up time or whatever. If they point blank refuse then leave it. Try again next night.

Some of the kids I know with really restricted diets have gone on to be adventurous or at least normal eaters as adults. My DB was the most extreme as he only ate chips, chocolate, biscuits and drank squash for over 2 years. It was a nightmare. Literally he would prefer to starve until DM gave in. As an adult he has one of the healthiest diets out of all of us - makes his own bread and eats just about every fruit and veg you can think of. I honestly think the more of a battle you make food the worse the problem. Accept their diet isn’t good right now then do your best without there being a war. Give them vitamins, change the snacks to toast, bread, crackers etc. Then offer tiny amounts of one new food a week and nave done.

I’d change the snack choice though so there are no crisps, chocolate, ice cream in the house. If it’s not available then they can’t have it. If they are really hungry they can have a slice of bread, breadsticks or whatever.

This sounds rough @CarrotTrauma I’m sorry you’re going through it. I just wanted to chip in though to say that I lived in halls or was friends with no less that four lads at uni- they were all blokes- who were spectacularly fussy eaters when they arrived at university. They still ate like kids at 18 and were mercilessly mocked for it! But uni really opened their eyes to cooking and experimenting with food and eating out etc. All left uni changed men with quite sophisticated palettes, which would have seemed ridiculous had you told us that when they rocked up to halls at 18 with their frozen potato waffles and spaghetti hoops!

So first of all, there’s hope for your child- very few adults get to 40 still only eating Turkey dinosaurs- and secondly I wonder if involving them in the cooking and planning of meals may help? Certainly with my friends from uni that was undoubtedly part of the process of becoming less afraid of food- one in particular was quite phobic of textures and stuff but cooking for himself made him less so. This one friend in particular found Jamie Oliver’s books a huge help and they’re so easy to read and follow that I don’t doubt your 7yo could use them. Start by making stuff they’ll definitely like from them and as they gain confidence they’ll hopefully start wanting to branch out. My thinking here is that if they see food and meals as something that they’re part of rather than as something that’s done to them, they may be able to try new things more willingly.

Good luck.

[quote MargaretThursday]@ChristmasJumpers
Reading about it now. I can so identify with it, except I don't lose weight because I top on up junk like biscuits and milk.

The less I eat the less hungry I feel, so if I stop eating, then I don't get hungry. That isn't as great as it sounds.[/quote]
I'm the same with topping up with junk so no weight loss for me. I also hate cooking so if my husband is out and I have to make tea, I end up waiting until I'm starving and binging on junk instead of cooking anything!

OP I just wanted to say bless you, it sounds very very hard and it also sounds like you have tried everything obvious.

As others have said, perhaps the way forward is to back off everything completely for 4-6 weeks, relax, go and have a quiet cry in the loo every day if you need to, and then start again with a couple of your favourite or new tactics from this thread or your research into food phobia.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope that one day you will also be able to say ' my son used to be a terrible eater but now he's 6ft and eats broad beans for fun!!'

Wow you are being judged here, but to me you have done a brilliant job at trying every which way to get better nutrition for your children. Hats off to you for the inspiring ways you have tried to sneak veg into their dinners!!

You know your children best, so if you think forcing it will work for them then perhaps giving it a try is ok in the short term?

But perhaps think about treating it as a phobia, and look at ways to introduce fruit and veg to reduce the fear without the forced eating. Like ‘playing with their food’ - could they help wash or chop veggies if they know they wont have to eat them (using a fun shaped cutter - i sometimes use my biscuit cutters on cucumber) .

Could they help grow some tomatoes so they can see the whole process.

Can they help make bread with whole grains in?

It might help take the fear out of it, if they touch and smell the foods without the tasting.

And reduce the sweet stuff and snacks like crisps with no nutritional value. Nutella is almost all sugar - can you switch to a hazelnut spread with less sugar, then just not buy it. This might reset their sweet tooth so that the only source of sugar becomes fruit (which then will seem very sweet!)

Just ideas, no judgments, I think you;re doing great. And if they are otherwise fit, with enough energy, doing well enough at school, sleeping well and behaving well, then perhaps their diet isn’t the end of the world!

I’ve read nutrition advice suggesting serving meals in big dishes in the middle of the table and saying kids can help themselves to the bits they want to try. Exposure to the food without being forced to eat it helps to normalise it so even if they won’t choose to have some veg that seeing it there and you enjoying it may have some impact.

You say it’s relatives’ fault your DC will now only eat Krave as a cereal, relatives’ fault they will only eat crisps rather than veg sticks. I wouldn’t buy a box of Krave so it’ll never be an option at home even if DD has it elsewhere. At this age you do have control on what foods are in the house. Sugar and fat aren’t the enemy but I’d err towards foods containing these that also have plenty of nutritional value.

You say they will only eat Chicago town pizza. Is that a relative’s fault too?

I can’t believe that one exposure to a food would lead to young children rejecting other foods they’d been happily eating before.

It sounds horribly stressful and like you’re trying everything you can but I think step 1 is to stop blaming relatives.

Most young kids I know aren’t given the option to choose Chicago town pizzas, hot dogs, Mac’d etc. on a regular basis. My DD (4) happens not to have encountered any of these yet and when she does it’ll be clear it’s something we have from time to time just like cake and chocolate.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose the WHO says that each 50g serving of processed meat a day increases the risk of cancer by 18%. The NHS advice isn’t as strong because they know how obsessed with processed meat this country is and need to be realistic but that doesn’t change the underlying risk.

@CarrotTrauma

Sorry, I tried to cover everything in the original post but forgot to say that dc has had lots of issues with constipation. GPs have put this down to diet. This is why we’ve had to sit them down and talk about it. They regularly take movicol which they also hate and is just as traumatic as eating a carrot.

We don’t make a big deal about food, I’m a very fussy eater especially when I was younger, which is why we’ve not pushed foods onto them, but we have encouraged all the DCs to try new foods. DH and i regularly eat different meals if the DCs interest is perked they are welcome to try it. An example we both love duck and we were having duck pancakes all wanted to try and were welcome too. My DH loves almost everything and travelled a lot so will have lots of exotic foods at times, again, he makes it and if anyone wants to give it a go then they are welcome. Our variety nights there is always food all the DCs will eat and we do it in a fun way, they never have to eat anything they don’t want. Tonight is the first time we have done it.

I’m definitely going to look into food phobias and seek some more advice as well as remove the snack draw. It’s not something I wanted to do as it’s not fair on the other DCs who do eat well that they can’t just go to it when we say it’s ok. Just for reference the snack draw dose have crap like crisps, chocolate etc.. but it also contains crackers, rice crackers, raisins, granola bars, nuts, seeds all of which my other DCs will regularly choose over something unhealthy.

@CarrotTrauma

I had a son the same when he was little. Do they have veggie pasta at your store by chance? We had to resort to that and hiding it so he didn't see the packaging because at 7 he was too smart for his own good. There was a year he only ate hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. It was so hard.
We have veggie noodles and that is where I started. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope that it gets easier for you and the little one.

I have three DC who will eat fruit and most veg but are really fussy in terms of meals. To the point where we eat the same things every week.

I have been down the same road before with battles at mealtimes. Mainly with food they have eaten in the past but suddenly decided they no longer like!

Can I just ask practically how do you make these suggestions work?
do people usually make one evening meal for the children and parents eat different?

If I made something and the child doesn't eat it do you just leave them to be hungry?

@CarrotTrauma

"I’m a very fussy eater especially when I was younger, which is why we’ve not pushed foods onto them*"
*
This is the problem,

IME children mostly copy what they see and not do what they're told. I think you need to change meals for the whole family and all of your relationships with food.

[quote PattyPan]@AccidentallyOnPurpose the WHO says that each 50g serving of processed meat a day increases the risk of cancer by 18%. The NHS advice isn’t as strong because they know how obsessed with processed meat this country is and need to be realistic but that doesn’t change the underlying risk.[/quote]
Receipts please. 18% a day would mean most Germans would be dead by they time they were 20

@ChristmasJumpers
I'm the same with topping up with junk so no weight loss for me. I also hate cooking so if my husband is out and I have to make tea, I end up waiting until I'm starving and binging on junk instead of cooking anything!

Me too.
Or I look at what we have to cook and realise I can't eat it for no reason even if I'm hungry.
I shall tell Dh this as he thinks I'm just being fussy. Thank you so much for bringing it up, I feel really relieved that it's something rather than me!

My mum did this to me with fish when I was about the same age. If I wasn’t going to eat it hot, I certainly wasn’t going to eat it cold.

I have never eaten fish in the 40 years since that happened,

@arethereanyleftatall

I'm not sure id force the carrot.

But, their diet is atrocious. You know that. Start by sitting them down, explaining they can't eat like that. All those foods, every single one, even ham sandwich or toast for breakfast, would be a once a week treat meal for my dc.

I'd sit them down, work out a menu with them which contains decent stuff, non negotiable, and take it from there.

Chicken nuggets, mcds etc won't be on the menu at all.

How is a ham sandwich or slice of toast a 'once a week treat'? I genuinely don't understand - is it the salt content?

I'd stop the snacks.
Also, I have friends whose children would only eat hotdog sausages and pasta. This one now eats a bit more varied a diet, but he's now 19.
Another only chicken nuggets and waffles. Every single day.
I think most grow out of these limited diets, and certainly eating with their peers does help most of them as they want to fit in.
I'd keep hiding veg in things just so you know they are getting the nutrients they need, and maybe put a small piece on their plates asking them to try to eat it. No more snacking though. But that's me.

[quote PattyPan]@AccidentallyOnPurpose the WHO says that each 50g serving of processed meat a day increases the risk of cancer by 18%. The NHS advice isn’t as strong because they know how obsessed with processed meat this country is and need to be realistic but that doesn’t change the underlying risk.[/quote]
Yeah ... the kid isn't eating 50g a day is he/she?
I eat an 120g packet in a week.
Even WHO don't say to stop eating it, just in moderation. Like everything else really.

It’s much easier said than done, but don’t stress about food. Any of it. They’ll survive and it will all be fine.

My youngest is moderately fussy. He's nearly 10 now and getting better all the time.

Getting him involved in the food prep and cooking helps.

I think its a question of degree. We do insist that he eats all the veg that he "likes" - basically broccoli and peas - and that he have a tiny bit of the stuff he doesn't like. He moans and complains but in the end does try a tiny bit (washing it down ostentatiously with water! )

But its not so distressing to him that there is an almighty stand off and tears and sobbing. I think if that were the case we would not insist, just focus on what he will eat and continuous day in day out presenting of foods and encouragement. It really is a day in day out baby steps kind of thing.

If your 7 year old helped peel a carrot he might get a bit closer to eating it, I wonder? Can sometimes help.

I would'nt force it if there is serious distress.

My nephew when he was little would only eat wheetabix, apple sauce in little pots and mini sausages. That was it. Nothing else. He's 14 now and has just won a junior cross country race.
Really do not stress about what foods he won't eat, just have serving bowls at dinner time with different veg in that he can try a bit if he wants to. Don't make a fuss when he does try something. Life is too short to fight over a carrot. I remember as a young teen having to eat all my dinner, including some disgusting spinach. I covered it in so much ketchup I think it negated any health benefits the spinach had!

your being a dick about the carrot.
sorry.
now they wont like you-or carro
ts.
its probli not ideal but i grate carrrots parsnip apple into cakes instead of egg..
if riasted they gony be sweet nuf can blend with peach,n whatever other fruits n freezepop?

Look up arfid as mentioned. It can be dealt with a lot easier when they are a child.

Just sending sympathy. I have a kid who will barely eat. Different scenario from yours, but so stressful. I completely empathise. x

It took me til I was in my twenties to stop being a fussy eater, now I'll eat almost anything. I was just like your DC as a child, then I went vegetarian as a teenager, much to my Mum's delight as I didn't actually like vegetables!

My DS is just like I was, but I am relaxed about it as I know he will grow out of it one day. DH hates DS' limited diet though and gets quite wound up about it, I have to stop him giving DS a row about his eating habits.

I wouldn't force your DC, they will grow out of it one day and the last thing you want is for them to associate carrots or whatever else with the trauma of being forced to eat them