Tonight I am leaving my baby to cry it out

[dandelions876]

I swore I would never do this. But my 13 month old son has been up 6.5 hours and will not sleep. He’s fine when I go in the room, laughing and happy. But as soon as I leave he’s crying hysterically and screaming blue murder. I cannot take this any more, my head feels completely done in. I swore I would never do the cry it out method as in my heart of hearts, I believe it’s wrong and cruel. But after two months of hellish evenings, my mind and relationship in tatters, I feel like I’ve been left with no other option. I’m leaving him to cry it out.

I sleep trained mine at the point where both the DC and I were horrible, grumpy, tired messes.
It gave us all the gift of sleep, and everyone was much happier for it.
They are high school age now, and seem pretty reasonable, functional people.

The only advice I can give is dont give up- you have come this far so commit & it will get better! It took my DD 2 nights of Ferber method & then everything clicked. Very very hard at the time but she now sleeps through & it has honestly changed my life! Such an amazing feeling not to be overwhelmed with tiredness! You just have to get through this really hard bit! You can do it!!

• white noise
• cuddle to sleep
• if you do the cry it out, literally 30 seconds, go in, supernanny night night sweetie, sleep etc (it does work but its a last resort).
• i cuddled mine to sleep, happy kids, happy parent, yes not idea but they are designed to need their mummys this young

I never bothered with mine, just got them ready for bed and let them go to sleep where they wanted. My first used to like being strapped into a car seat with his bottle and blanket, my second went through a phase of going to sleep on the floor. Will see what happens with the third.
Why would your relationship be in tatters because your baby struggles to go to sleep at night?

Ignore anyone trying to guilt trip you for using CIO. Some parents luck out with easy kids and mistake their good fortune for perfect parenting.

We had to go down the CIO route as nothing else worked with DS, going back in only wound him up. He now sleeps very well at 3 and doesn't hold it against us.

We probably left it longer than we should because of some of the nonsense people come out with about this topic.

Good luck OP. In case useful we did a gradual method where we sat with my son by the cot until he fell asleep. Could verbally reassure stroke etc pick up if absolutely necessary and calms rather than makes him worse. This can take a while but worth persisting. A few days later moved our chair a bit away from the cot and verbally reassured and stroked but no pick up. A few days later sat outside the door (door open) verbally reassured but didn't go in. If woke in the night waited ten mins before going in to give him time to try and re-settle. Ignore the comments on attachment etc. It worked well and my child is very happy and well attached.

Nightweaning also may help if you are ready for it

Success here tonight. Huge success!

What we did:

Put dd into bed, read her a story and said goodnight as per usual.

Then stood at the end of her bed with our backs to her, watching her from our phones on the camera.

5 minutes later we left. I gave it 1 full minute - and went back in to put a dirty top in her wash basket (on purpose to show her we haven’t gone far)
Left again, and went back in after 2 full minutes to do the same again. Didn’t speak to her ect just left. She watches the door for a few minutes then turned over and went to sleep.

Honestly would have scoffed if someone told me today’s that’s how she was going to go down. I’m amazed!

We did controlled crying at 13 months after cuddling to sleep stopped working. As soon as i'd stand up- even after 30 mins asleep she'd be hysterical.
The first night we did 2, 4, 8, 12, 15 mins. Was just on the next set if 15 mins and about to give up and she fell asleep. The next night it only took up to 8 mins and the 3rd night she went happily into her cot.
She is 2 now and hasn't forgotten how to cry like some previous posters have said! Sleep is important for both you and your baby so do what you need to do and what you think is best for your family x

Why would your relationship be in tatters because your baby struggles to go to sleep at night?

Because we’ve been dealing with this for months, it’s been driving me slowly mad and I’ve been taking it out on my partner!

Tonight DS fell asleep four minutes into the 8 minute window. Maybe Ferber does work and it doesn’t feel that harsh to me either (and I say that as someone who really disagrees with crying it out)

Controlled crying worked for us. It is really hard but if you don't give in and stay consistent each night, it is very successful.

Don't feel bad OP, we all need rest and sleep. My son was exactly the same at that age, between then and around two there was a peak in seperation anxiety mainly at bedtime. Tried crying as last resort but absolutely could not do CIO.

I firmly believe there's no one size fits all, what will work will spend on your child's temperament etc. Mine is a head strong knows what he wants little boy who won't give up (very beneficial in other areas of life!) But also CIO on the few times I literally did not know what else to do made him infinately worse. It just wasn't the method for him.

Long story short what worked for us was basic boundaries, he went to bed, if he messed about we would say to him 'if your not ready to sleep that's fine but mummy/daddy are going to just go and do so and so and you tell me when your ready to sleep' and leave the room. His little world ended because we'd left and after about 30 seconds wed say 'are you ready to go to sleep now?' at first it might take three times if doing this but it only took a few days and we cracked it.

It wasn't threatening or anything harsh but just laid action-consequence and we would carry it out.

Oh and we shortened day time napping, this made a big difference too

Awww you are doing very well @dandelions876! Just do what you think is best and works for you xx
There is no right or wrong just as long as baby is not in any harm. You are doing amazing
This phase will soon pass. X

I say stick with the Ferber method. I've just read Emily Oster's Cribsheet and she can find no good evidence the Ferber method or similar damages kids - in fact she used a far harsher method on her kids! You are not a bad mother for letting him cry for just 10 minutes.

@Astronaut8

Why can’t you sit with him whilst he drops off?

Because this is ridiculous and if you start it now, you will still be doing it when he is 15

[quote dandelions876]@AlmostSummer21 I just hope I didn’t do too much damage by leaving him 10 mins. I was at the end of my tether.

He’s still quiet so I think it’s safe to say he’s asleep and I can get dinner. Thanks for allowing me to vent on here, it helped.[/quote]
You did not do any harm at all!!!!!

Hang in there! We did this with our first son at 4 months old and he is the best sleeper. He is now almost 14 and appreciates sleep. I wish we would have been able to do it for his younger brothers but due to medical issues we could not. The 12 year old has sleep anxiety and uses a weighted blanket and sound maker, the 6 year old sleeps between us.

My son also hated his cot... so when he was all bright and awake I'd play with him in the cot playing peekaboo etc and then take him out and just carry on with the day.... he eventually realised its not cot of doom
It really helped

Astronaut8
Why can’t you sit with him whilst he drops off?

Because this is ridiculous and if you start it now, you will still be doing it when he is 15

Ditto spoon feeding, nappy wearing, gurgling, babbling, losing socks, falling asleep on every car journey, being pushed in a pram…….

Oh, wait 🤔

This is giving me absolute de ja vu - my ds would NOT sleep with somebody in the room or cuddling him or sush-patting him. He was very alert and nosy and always wanted to know what was going on. Any presence beside him or holding him after twelve weeks caused him to fight sleep relentlessly. He needed dark and quiet, despite everyone telling me he needed me to cuddle him that wasn't true. I nearly went insane learning this, and i'm sorry to see people still doing the same to this OP.

SOME babies just want to be cuddled to sleep. OTHER babies need to have all sensory stimulation removed. They are not all the same.

@dandelions876

Tonight DS fell asleep four minutes into the 8 minute window. Maybe Ferber does work and it doesn’t feel that harsh to me either (and I say that as someone who really disagrees with crying it out)

Oh brilliant dandelions - fingers crossed you have the same luck tonight! x

@yomommasmomma that’s clearly ridiculous. I often sat with mine when they were little. In fact, I am sitting next to my youngest (1 year old) right now whilst she drifts off to sleep. I literally can’t remember the last time any of my older ones asked me to stay with them whilst they fell asleep and none of them are close to being teenagers!

@yomommasmomma well done on dramatising something that’s actually quite enjoyable and perfectly normal

Small intimate family moments like that aren’t ridiculous in any way shape or form whether you choose to do them or not.

A poster commented further up about remembering being left to cry it out at 3 and being scared and confused and none of the CIO mums want to comment on that? You don't think that's sad for such a small child to be left alone and scared?