Tonight I am leaving my baby to cry it out

[dandelions876]

I swore I would never do this. But my 13 month old son has been up 6.5 hours and will not sleep. He’s fine when I go in the room, laughing and happy. But as soon as I leave he’s crying hysterically and screaming blue murder. I cannot take this any more, my head feels completely done in. I swore I would never do the cry it out method as in my heart of hearts, I believe it’s wrong and cruel. But after two months of hellish evenings, my mind and relationship in tatters, I feel like I’ve been left with no other option. I’m leaving him to cry it out.

Recent studies have shown that being left to "cry it out" has no ill effects upon child development and was the norm until comparatively recent years.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/03/200310193305.htm

When I was a baby back in the 1940s leaving attention demanding babies to cry was standard practice and we still managed to grow up! This is what old fashioned nannies were still doing until all the child psychologists, social workers and general do gooders came on the scene telling people that children who were left to cry developed poor self esteem. What rubbish!

Once they are fed, changed and burped they are just whinging for attention. Tough.

Women are dragooned into feeling guilty now if they are not constantly over-parenting and over indulging their children. This probably explains why they grow up into such demanding little princes and princesses. Kids have to learn that they are not the center of the universe and they cant have attention 24/7. The sooner they learn it the better and the best place to begin is in the cradle.

can you cosleep? At least you'll get some rest

Done this with both of my children. Still waiting to see the irreparable damage this created (now 9 and 10).
Agree with the guilt tripping of parents "they'll learn that no one comes if you are upset, scared or sick"... utter bullocks.
Be aware OP that CIO might take more than one night (took about 5 here, with less crying each time).
FWIW gradual withdrawal, shushing and patting just aggravated mine.
CIO felt brutal at the time but I have since great sleepers (ourselves included).

I did it with both of mine, and they're now well-adjusted, happy, successful adults. And it didn't ruin our relationship, quite the contrary. It will not kill a child to cry. Make certain that the child is not sick, and then let him/her cry. They need to learn that they can not manipulate other people by crying, screaming and acting out.

Needs must op, you are the parent and absolutely need to sleep.

You're doing amazing 💐🍷

I did what was called " controlled crying" with my 11 month old in the 90s. ( 2 mins, 4, 6 etc up to 10 mins). Got it sorted in 2 nights. I cried and was upset ( husband there are took turns going in) but we were desperate ( she was awake every 90 minutes).
She's 27 and not psychologically damaged .
Good luck OP, you sound like a great caring Mum.

I could have written this post, and all of your replies @dandelions876. My DD is 16 months; always been a great sleeper until a few month ago she got quite poorly and I let her co-sleep with us. I’m not a fan of co-sleeping so once she was better I shipped her back off to her room and it’s not been the same since. She needs me to be in bed with her to go to sleep, even if I stand up she will scream murder until she’s hyperventilating and coughing/being sick. It’s awful. I can’t leave her in the hysterics she gets in.
Crying it out isn’t working for us, because when I get up the crying starts, then if I go in to settle her the crying won’t end until she’s cries herself to sleep because she’s scared I’m going to leave the room.

For the past 3 nights, I’ve been putting her into bed then ‘tidying up’ her stuff.. moving random object, put her clothes in her basket ect.. almost making her wait for me to get into bed with her. Then when she starts to get comfy without me in the bed I just face away from her, she watched me for a while, maybe gets up once or twice (doesn’t always get out of bed) and I was for her to fall asleep on her own.
I’ve been slowly moving myself closer and closer to the door and tonight I was able to stand with half my body out of the door.. she could still see me so she knew I was there.

I’m hoping that soon enough if she thinks I’m just stood by the door and in the room she will trust enough to just go to sleep without popping her head up to check I’m still here, and thus may be able to actually leave the room one day 😂

It’s a really awful time OP I really feel for you. If the crying it out works let me know how as others than what we’re doing now I am completely lost!

I just wanted to send 💐 sleep deprivation is the worst. I used to sleep in my baby’s room on the floor on a mattress for about four months and now he’s happy on his own. We used to watch him on the monitor and sometimes he’d just sit up and look for one of us on the floor and then go back to sleep. Me and my husband swear that’s why he’s a good sleeper now - although illness sometimes throws us a huge curveball.

Take care and do what’s best for you and then you’ll do what’s best for for baby.

“ We used the Ferber method with DD at 7 months. No regrets in the slightest. Her sleep is now bomb-proof.

Come back after the 8-9 month sleep regression. wink “

@NavigatingAdolescence she’s 3 and a half now.

@Lollipop25 yes it absolutely works. It teaches your children that no matter why or how long they cry for, nobody will come to them. After a few nights, they do stop crying because they know it’s pointless. Nobody is going to come.
Fantastic lesson to teach.

As long as you know your child’s not ill, cry it out is absolutely fine as a sleep training method. This forum is so OTT about it, it must have needlessly put off so many desperate parents who’d have really benefitted. So glad I didn’t listed to them my ds gets a good night’s sleep now.

I was so in your place a number of years ago...mine are now teens.

Son came home from hospital a d basically cried as soon as I left his bedroom (once he went in there). Checked everything. We were exhausted and got to a point we thought we couldn't go on. Started doing controlled crying but prob at the harsher end of it...gradually leaving longer before going back in the check he was ok. Boy did he scream at times but after the second night no more.

After that, bath at 6, feed at 6.30pm and bed. Straight to sleep. I used to wake him at 10 for another feed (didn't wait for him to wake) and then put back down with no problem. Was sleeping through at 12 weeks after 10pm

No regrets and after those two days has slept brilliantly.

I was motivated as well, not just by tiredness but a colleague that didn't try to do anything at at 6years old hers was still crying at bedtime, didn't want to be left etc and was going till midnight!!

So keep at it. As long as fed, winded, dry etc he will be fine

[quote Checkingout811]@Lollipop25 yes it absolutely works. It teaches your children that no matter why or how long they cry for, nobody will come to them. After a few nights, they do stop crying because they know it’s pointless. Nobody is going to come.
Fantastic lesson to teach.[/quote]
Hysterical nonsense. It teaches them that ‘wait, being in this cot isn’t so bad, maybe I can just go to sleep without being held’.

If you think CIO babies/toddlers never cry again for parents you’ve clearly never met any.

OP I really feel for you, it's so hard when you have a child who wont self settle and sleep through the night.
I do not agree with the posters who say controlled crying is cruel. Done properly it can be life changing for all concerned, including the child. Though as you'll see from this thread it's not something people own up to doing as they will be called 'bad mothers' by those who don't understand what it's like to have a non-sleeper, or who have a lot of support to hand (reminds me a bit of the militant breast feeding advocates).

We did controlled crying with my DS at a similar age. He always fought sleep, wouldn't settle without me in his room touching him, holding his hand or whatever, and would wake several times a night. It was unsustainable after I returned to work so something had to change.

Actually doing it was awful for me because my instinct was to go to him, but DH was supportive and helped me through it. Within a few days DS was going down to sleep contendedly without me and sleeping through the night. Prior to that he would go into meltdown if I even moved as he was settling as he thought I would leave the room.

It was much better for both of us afterwards because he knew it was sleepy time and I would be there just after he woke up in the morning, and I actually got full nights of sleep for the first time in over a year. I felt like a new person, and my little boy was well rested and happy.

What I don't think is a good idea is trying it when the baby is very young (under a year), or starting controlled crying then caving, only to try again multiple times. I imagine that could be very stressful and confusing to a child.

So I would say read up on controlled crying (not the same as cry it out), make sure you have someone to support you, and give it a go. I wish you the best of luck, and many uninterrupted nights sleep!

What a load of rubbish saying that if you leave your child to cry it out then they'll develop insecurities etc when they're older!
Utter codswallop! People have been doing it for decades!
Jeez 🙄

@Checkingout811
don’t be so precious.

@AlmostSummer21 Please can you provide your evidence sources for this:

I'm too tired to explain to you how much damage this can do to a person. How it can affect bonding & adult relationships. You have NO idea how it will affect your kids lives.

I mean literally any respectable scientific research that provides a shred of evidence for what you have very confidently asserted as fact to this vulnerable and exhausted mother.

I did controlled crying with my 6 month old some years ago. She would be fine if someone sat next to her cot but it could take hours. I never understood why people were happy to establish and continue that habit for months or years. It took 3 nights, solved the issue and definitely has not affected her self esteem. Please don't think properly done controlled crying will cause damage.

[quote Checkingout811]@Lollipop25 yes it absolutely works. It teaches your children that no matter why or how long they cry for, nobody will come to them. After a few nights, they do stop crying because they know it’s pointless. Nobody is going to come.
Fantastic lesson to teach.[/quote]
Again, any evidence for this? Any evidence at all that a well lived and cared for baby learns this from being left to cry for a few minutes? And please don’t start referencing babies in Romanian orphanages who had sustained and complete neglect round the clock for years. Something relevant to this situation that provides any credible basis for what you’ve said.

Teaching children to sleep is good for them.
Research shows it does no harm psychologically, but builds resilience and certainly improves family life.
You need resolve and determination. Nobody finds it easy but if you do let them learn to settle themselves, it takes about three or four nights of consistent behaviour on your part.
Teaching children to sleep has very long term benefits for everyone, so don’t feel bad. You’ll be told all sorts of nonsense about children learning they aren’t loved; it’s simply not true. They learn they can cope, that sleep is fine, that bed feels good. They learn they aren’t in charge and that affords security.
You’ll be told about the risks of raised cortisol levels - it’s true chronically raised cortisol levels aren’t good. It’s important to keep the word chronic in the sentence though. Sleep training is short term and doesn’t lead to chronically raised levels. It reduces cortisol levels in both infant and mother after a short time. A less tired mother is much more able to respond to a child’s needs. Much less likely to become ill. Much less likely to lash out in exhaustion or to crash the car.

Sleep is so important. We teach children to say please and thank you, to share, to use cutlery, to use a lavatory but somehow we’ve made teaching them to sleep unacceptable. Actually, I suppose a few parents have decided it’s unacceptable to even teach them to use a lavatory. Placing children in charge, not offering the security of effective parenting and a framework to live by builds stress and confusion. Far from a child led world building confidence, it reduces it and builds anxiety. Children need to be supported to understand and live with clear boundaries and expectations.

When I was a baby back in the 1940s leaving attention demanding babies to cry was standard practice and we still managed to grow up! This is what old fashioned nannies were still doing until all the child psychologists, social workers and general do gooders came on the scene telling people that children who were left to cry developed poor self esteem. What rubbish!

I was hoping for something a little better for my own children than just 'still managed to grow up' tbh.

I co slept with all of mine until they could sleep through. I could never watch my baby cry without intervening. But we are all different and I am NOT a better parent for choosing this method.

Did he sleep!? Hope so .

@LemonRoses speaks an enormous amount of sense.