Tonight I am leaving my baby to cry it out

[dandelions876]

I swore I would never do this. But my 13 month old son has been up 6.5 hours and will not sleep. He’s fine when I go in the room, laughing and happy. But as soon as I leave he’s crying hysterically and screaming blue murder. I cannot take this any more, my head feels completely done in. I swore I would never do the cry it out method as in my heart of hearts, I believe it’s wrong and cruel. But after two months of hellish evenings, my mind and relationship in tatters, I feel like I’ve been left with no other option. I’m leaving him to cry it out.

[quote MayorGoodwaysChicken]@AlmostSummer21 Please can you provide your evidence sources for this:

I'm too tired to explain to you how much damage this can do to a person. How it can affect bonding & adult relationships. You have NO idea how it will affect your kids lives.

I mean literally any respectable scientific research that provides a shred of evidence for what you have very confidently asserted as fact to this vulnerable and exhausted mother.[/quote]
Absolutely.
The clinical and scientific basis is that it does no harm.
My personal experience supports this. The eldest is still the worst sleeper, most neurotic and least secure as an adult. Spent three years sitting beside her, rocking, waking in night, disturbed sleep and all the tension and exhaustion that brought. Definitely not good for family relationships.

Our son is ‘bomb proof’. His legendary ability to sleep anywhere at anytime has been a huge benefit in his career. He is extremely confident and forms very strong personal relationships which for a. Forces career is also of huge benefit. He’s always been very sunny and positive, so yes, it has affected his life but in a good way. Sleep trained at nine months. Three nights to work, then you’d say bedtime, popon his special bedtime music and he’d be dreaming in thirty seconds.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken "@AlmostSummer21 Please can you provide your evidence sources for this:"

There will always be some abstract but if research on the internet but your point is well made.....all of this "leave your baby to cry will cause them lifelong damage " is shit.. it was my health visitor that suggested it to me. I can't tell you I couldn't believe after only 2 days the difference and how much better we felt getting some sleep....oh and he was so much better for sleeping as well

We did controlled crying at 6 months, I was losing my mind through lack of sleep. I know some mothers are happy to martyr themselves but for our family, me being too tired to function in the day would be more detrimental.
She is 14 months now and sleeps for 12 hours at night. We obviously had blips for sleep regressions but she is a happy, confident little girl.

I would like to echo PPs who have pointed out that saying that leaving your child to cry for a few minutes so it learns to self settle will cause irrepairable damage is absolute nonesense. Put 10 adults in a room with a psychiatrist and they would have no idea which ones were left to cry. Posters saying the OP is doing damage to her child when she clearly loves him and is trying her best need to have a think about their motives and whether they are helping, or whether they suffered through years of bad sleep through their own choices and think everyone else should similarly suffer.

I also think it’s worth factoring in what years (because it can be years) of poor sleep does to both parents and children. I’ve got a few friends who were still up feeding when their kid was 2+, and the child was an overtired mess each day, then too tired/wired to sleep, then the same antics the following night, repeat ad nauseam for years. What effect might that have on their development and ability to learn, never getting the sleep they need?

I'm massively against genuine cry it out, but you haven't done any damage leaving him for just 10 minutes! I still lie with my 3yo (🙄) while she goes to sleep, but she has spent many many hours screaming in the car (not all in one go I hasten to add!) because, well, we had no choice (school runs, hospital appts etc etc, and we're very rural so nowhere is just 5 mins).

So basically, the guilt is worse if you're sat there listening and not "rescuing" your crying baby, but as far as the baby is concerned, crying in a cot for 10 mins is no different from crying in a carseat for 10 mins 🤷‍♀️

You'll find your own compromise you're happy with xx

Hi OP, I always find in real life it is quite common to leave babies to cry for 5-15 mins. On here though it is a different story...

My 13 month old has been going through a rough phase - I would LOVE to co sleep with him or rock him to sleep but my mere presence is so exciting he can be awake for 5+ hours at night. Which is longer than he is ever up in the day, it's been so frustrating. Going in and out every 2 minutes or whatever for controlled crying was making him hysterical and confused. So I on occasion have left him and low and behold he falls back asleep himself. I think the key is if they are crying - are there pauses? If so, that's them thinking 'can I fall asleep myself here'... if it's a constant cry then I wouldn't leave them. My babies cries are also really clear so I can tell when he is crying because he can't find his dummy or he's just woken up in the night and wants to play (which I ignore for 5-15 mins to see if he goes back to sleep) or if he is crying out because he is frightened or in pain, in which case I go straight in.

Hope you all get some sleep soon OP.

OP I second @LemonRoses experience. Did controlled crying around 10 months for each of my kids when it was taking up to 2 hours to gently coax them into sleep, and after a few nights I had happy babies who slept 12 hours a night and happy well rested parents. These things are important! If everyone is tired and meanly for months or years on end that’s much more damaging than 4 nights if controlled crying.
I remember a colleague coming to me distraught telling me her child hadn’t slept properly for four years, what was my secret. She was so perpetually exhausted that she forgot she had already had this conversation with me.

*kranky not meanly

We tried CIO and it didn't work because DD got too upset(hysterical and hyperventilating and kicking off) so we ended up cosleeping. It worked and everyone was happy with it. Controlled crying , just like everything else will work for some kids and won't for others. Just like cosleeping, dummies,feeding to sleep , bath before bed or whatever other methods.

While the studies people mention are true, a lot of posters are unaware that 1.it's part of a pattern of general neglect and 2.children learn that because no one comes ever. Not for nappy changes, not for feeding, not for pain etc.

A baby/child who's parents are there and cater to all of their needs won't have long lasting neurological damage because they cried for 10 minutes every now and then.

I think the thing is, it does work but you have to hold out and live through the crying and kicking off. That is hard.

I remember being left to cry/shout for mum and feeling scared and confused. When she came eventually I was relieved but very confused..! I was calling/crying for her because I was scared . Bad dreams etc. Yes it’s shit but I wasn’t doing that aged 14 so it doesn’t last forever.

This isn’t aimed at the Op at all she’s doing her best. It’s aimed at the people saying there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not saying it did me any long term damage just that I remember the feelings, I must have been about 3 I suppose then, so a younger child would presumably feel scared too

We used the Ferber method at 7 months and it was amazaballs, changed our life and gave us our evenings back.

Then my DD hit 16 months and it just went to shit. I found going in to resettle her just disrupted her more so eventually I cracked and just left her to cry for 15 min, nothing else worked. It took a few days but now she just quietly settles herself for 15 minutes before falling asleep. If she is up longer than half an hour or she starts crying after 15 minutes i go in change her nappy and give her a little more milk and put her down again.

I found that sciencedaily article too and found it reassuring. She’s still a really cheerful happy little thing we are very engaged with her when she’s awake. Don’t feel bad about it, in our case it worked out fine and after a month of spending all evening trying to reassure and pat her which just wound her up more and left us all exhausted and down this really helped.

Kids are all different, one of my siblings co-slept their child had different needs. Thats ok. Main thing is everyone gets some sleep. I was at the end of my tether, my husband found it uncomfortable (but he thought Ferber was verging on child abuse until he realised it was working and she was happier and slept better).

Some kids need reassurance that someone is still there, in my daughters case I think she was going through a cognitive leap and decided that she would rather be awake doing stuff than sleeping. Different problems different solutions.

All babies are different. One of mine reacted really badly to controlled crying and basically started shaking and crying at the beginning of the bedtime routine and became really clingy for weeks and weeks afterwards. I felt like I had broken my baby. With my youngest I can do CIO because she doesn’t really cry, she might have a fuss or a grumble for 10 minutes and then she will fall asleep.

I haven’t read all the replies yet (sorry) but am having the exact same situation with DS tonight. I’m trying the Ferber method, leaving him for 2 mins, 4 mins, 6 mins etc. So far we’re 3 mins into the 6 min stretch and he’s crying and refusing to settle :( Really struggling to cope with this night after night. Plus I just want to eat!!

Now 1 min into the 8 min stretch and he’s still crying. Honestly I give up.

I was a shit mother until I did CIO. Amazingly not being woken up every 40 minutes wasn't an effective way to be a good, patient parent. 100% improved all our life's. DS hated fucking gentle retreat he would seem and get so upset that I didn't pick him up.

It's hard op, I feel for you. I hated the idea and swore I would never do it - and I didn't have to with dd1, she was a dream. Ds was dreadful though. In the end I broke one night when I was exhausted, pre menstual and had a very important work meeting the next day. I'd been up for 2 hours in the middle of the night and no sign of sleep. I left him to cio. The next night dh had the physically restrain me after putting him down awake - he cried for about 30 mins. Slept through though. Since then he's slept perfectly and we are all a bit more sane. I hope it won't have done any damage to him... in the scheme of all the parenting decisions I have to make I'm not sure he will have been broken by it tbh!

@dandelions876

Yes I’m almost certain he’s not poorly. He’s been happy and bright all day - it’s only when put in his cot that he was suddenly very upset. I did give him some Calpol just in case but it didn’t seem to make much difference.

Anyway I’m now feeling shit about myself for leaving him to cry for that 10 mins. I hope I haven’t damaged him on any level or destroyed his trust. It’s not an excuse but I really was at the end of my tether.

You did the right thing.

Eat before you put baby down.

Don't give up now. You've done so well so far.

Well done! It feels crap, you'll get plenty abuse (on here) but if at the end of it you have a sleeping baby and not just tonight but going forward it will be good for you and them!! And honestly, I'm in my 30's I'm in a long term relationship 15plus years, I have friends, I am close to my siblings, I love my own children dearly... my mother left me to cry, I'm a really good sleeper too! There are times and ages where cry it out may not be appropriate but done well ... I don't see the issue. Have a peaceful evening!

Urgh the comments on this thread!

Needing a break does not make anyone a shit mum. And any health visitor worth their salt would tell you that if you are at the end of your tether the safest thing you can do is leave the baby in a safe space (like their cot) and walk away while you calm down.

@dandelions876 for what its worth I personally judge (though would never do so vocally) people who have 3, 4, 5 year olds that don't sleep but refuse to engage in any kind of sleep training.

Sleep is absolutely crucial to a childs development. I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. If they start to act up I can absolutely guarantee that they are hungry or tired. It is a very very rare occurrence that there is anything else wrong with them.

Learning to sleep is a life skill that children need to be taught. There are various ways to do that, as there are various ways to teach anything. For us, controlled crying was the most effective. It was horrible, but it took less than 2 days per child and it was necessary for all of us. We were very consistent for that period (and continued to be on nights where it was required) and made sure we had good naptime routines, bedtime routines etc in place before we started.

Tired children are not happy children. Tired parents are not happy parents. So who wins by continuing the cycle?

It never worked with my eldest. She was stronger than me even at a year old! Cuddle him in your bed, cosleeping for a while might help and sort your evenings (ie give them back!)