My mum pinched my toddler DD

[EIRA3]

Hi, new to posting and just desperate for advise please. sorry it may be long winded I'm just very upset.

My loving DD is 2yrs 4 months and is going through some difficult tantrums right now, and is also biting, scramming and hair pulling when very frustrated.
I'm trying my best to stay calm, and being assertive no biting etc - I will not bite, scram or pinch back my choice but many ppl family tell me you need to bite back etc but I refuse.

Today My mother who has been great last few months since DS was born helping with house work etc was upstairs putting clothes away with DD and I was feeding DS downstairs - I hear DD screaming and crying and she came down the stairs in a bit of a state, told me she needed wee. I took her to the toilet and she said
Nana hurt and pointed to her leg and there it was a red mark with a bruise, I was in shock.
I calmed her down and my mum walked in and DD started shouting get out.
My mum then explained DD tried to get my make up and my mum said no and DD bit her for her to then to pinch her. She said she didn't realise how hard and that DD needs to stop biting ppl.
I'm so sad I cried, and asked my mum to leave and not sure where our relationship can go, we were so close but I can't have her do this to my child.
Iv not heard from my mother since.
Am I being over sensitive?
My partner just says that's how they used to do back in the day? But I had told her few weeks ago I will not do it back , why on earth did she think it was a good idea?

Thank you

@cerealgamechanger

As someone who has been bitten black and blue by my DC at the same stage, sometimes you react without knowing what you've done. I remember when mine bit down hard on my nipple, I hit out out of pure instinct. I cried once I'd realised what had happened (and from the blood pouring down my breast). Maybe it was one of those things? Only you know your mother and can decide what kind of person she is or how you'd like to move forward.

An instinctive reaction is not a pinch. A pinch is a deliberate planned action

I have bitten my oldest daughter, who constantly bit her younger sister-not me.
Despite telling her no lots of times, time outs etc
She just didn't get that it hurt, until she was shown.
It's not something I'm proud of, but she never bit her sister again.

Your mother, I presume, is an adult with a fully developed pre-frontal cortex which means she is able to use logic and reason when responding to a perceived threat. Your 2 year old has another 20 years or so until her pre-frontal cortex is fully developed and lacks impulse control.
Not just that but your mother has broken the law and left a mark on your child.

I can't tolerate adults who can't or won't control themselves in anger or frustration and resort to aggression. I would be giving your mother a very wide berth until she apologises and can assure you that she is able to act in an appropriate way for an adult.

Your daughter will learn not to bite, but it may now take longer as she has seen that an adult thinks it is okay to hurt people.

And can we just remember that your child has spent a significant proportion of her life in lockdown - she hasn't learnt the social skills that she would have done had she been able to mix more over the last year.

For anyone saying "did us no harm". Do you know what? To some of us it did. Some of us lived in fear of being smacked. I still remember the sight of hand mark-shaped bruises on my legs 35 years ago. My mother had (still does) zero impulse control - she was terrifying and my life until I left home was miserable, albeit from the outside a perfectly "good" life in a "good" family. So, no, the whole "it did us no harm" is bullshit.

Your mum was wrong but does she know how you handle biting and pinching , what punishment do you give?
I know my son did this once to his brother who bit him back so didn't do again nit neither bit us or pinched us
My ds went through a hitting stage that lasted a couple weeks but we had set punishments and things for everyone to follow so it was consistent

Also bruises rarely appear in a minute a mark yes

I really really really don’t think an adult should be pinching a 2 year old child. Really, whatever the ‘reason’ just no. I’m so surprised by people on here that think because the child bit the DM she should be allowed to pinch her back! Is this kids in the playground or is one of the individuals involved an adult who should know better? OP be firm. No adult should physically hurt your child

I completely understand how you feel, however you need to be careful what’s message you are sending your child. It would appear that she is allowed to hurt others but they if they hurt her you send them away.
Clearly it’s not acceptable to hurt a child however you daughter was also in the wrong.
I would be inclined to ask your mum to apologise to your daughter but your daughter also needs to apologise to your mum.
It sounds like your mum spends a lot of time with you perhaps you all need a break from each other.

DD never mentioned it after, and we did think she had stopped biting as she hadn't done it for a while.
And the mark to eye looked like an instant bruise, there were 2 blueish marks together and red around and when I rubbed my hand over it it felt like a lump - at first I thought maybe she caught it on something corner of my wooden bed etc
The mark before bed had significantly gone down but still u can see a mark!
It's not you can't tell my children what to do by all means you can but my 2yr was hurt - my heart sunk thinking I'd just lost control for the way I want to bring her up - no hands - no slapping no biting pinching bk
Yes I definetly need to change my approach it has to stop but I just felt so uncomfortable.
And I agree I remember being smacked slapped and it was awful I felt defenseless.
But I do have a lovely relationship with my DM.
I was calm and still am, just upset about the situation really plus she's not messaged me yet but I don't see her the weekend anyway - maybe tomorrow.

Yes I got her to apologise as soon as my mum came down.
Yes maybe, but there's been no issue before this, she comes for few hours 3/7 days. I never ask her but she gave up work due to illness and enjoys helping out loves cleaning.

I would go completely nuts if anyone deliberarely hurt one of my children. So sorry this has happened to you. I would personally see if you can get your mum to apologise to your daughter and never leave them alone together again until you feel you can trust your mum again x

I'd also argue that whether the pinching or biting children as discipline is right or wrong is actually neither here nor there because you shouldn't be looking after a child if you aren't willing to follow the wishes of the parents.

Its an old fashioned (and vile) thing to do. We used to get pinched. But if my parents had done this twenty odd years ago to my children I'd have told them to stop. Or else

My instinct here would be forgiveness. Make sure she understands it’s not ok and will never do anything like that again, then move on. As you said, she’s been ‘great’ up until then and it’s not like this is some random babysitter we’re talking about.

I am with you OP. I would be absolutely distraught and furious if anyone done this to my toddler, let alone my own mother!

My DS went through a similar stage at around the same age which thankfully he seems to be over now, although sometimes still slaps gently when he's very angry or frustrated. The thing we found best to do was completely remove him from the situation and shove him in a room on his own. Not like shut in a bedroom, but kitchen instead of living room kind of thing. Obviously we would tell him a stern no too, but there was no point shouting because he would laugh at us.

It seems to have worked, and getting down on his level and at the appropriate moment offer a hug instead. That sounds mad and like the last thing you'd want to do but it can help diffuse the situation. If you just imagine the reason they are getting frustrated is an immature brain, that can't handle a lot of situations.

@EIRA3

Yes I got her to apologise as soon as my mum came down. Yes maybe, but there's been no issue before this, she comes for few hours 3/7 days. I never ask her but she gave up work due to illness and enjoys helping out loves cleaning.

So the 2 year old apologised to your mum. Did the adult mum apologise to the child for leaving bruises!

OP your Mum is human. I think what she did is very wrong but she made a mistake. Allow her to get somethings wrong in a landscape where overwhelmingly there is clear evidence of huge love and support. If this were a pattern of behaviour then I think you would have to deal with it differently but a once off I would view as it a fixable mistake.

The pinching isn’t good OP, but the biting needs to stop. Lucky it was your mum who was bitten and not another child - this time.

@FortunesFavour

The pinching isn’t good OP, but the biting needs to stop. Lucky it was your mum who was bitten and not another child - this time.

She thought it had stopped the child hasn't doe it for ages

@ivfbeenbusy

Why’s that so shocking ?? Most little children go through a biting phase ! Doesn’t mean you have to hurt them back to teach them it’s wrong. I would never speak to my mum again if she did this to my child. It’s also disgusting to bite a child back that doesn’t teach them anything - only that it’s acceptable to bite!

Totally unacceptable, by UK law you are not allowed to do this. I would be livid.