My mum pinched my toddler DD

[EIRA3]

Hi, new to posting and just desperate for advise please. sorry it may be long winded I'm just very upset.

My loving DD is 2yrs 4 months and is going through some difficult tantrums right now, and is also biting, scramming and hair pulling when very frustrated.
I'm trying my best to stay calm, and being assertive no biting etc - I will not bite, scram or pinch back my choice but many ppl family tell me you need to bite back etc but I refuse.

Today My mother who has been great last few months since DS was born helping with house work etc was upstairs putting clothes away with DD and I was feeding DS downstairs - I hear DD screaming and crying and she came down the stairs in a bit of a state, told me she needed wee. I took her to the toilet and she said
Nana hurt and pointed to her leg and there it was a red mark with a bruise, I was in shock.
I calmed her down and my mum walked in and DD started shouting get out.
My mum then explained DD tried to get my make up and my mum said no and DD bit her for her to then to pinch her. She said she didn't realise how hard and that DD needs to stop biting ppl.
I'm so sad I cried, and asked my mum to leave and not sure where our relationship can go, we were so close but I can't have her do this to my child.
Iv not heard from my mother since.
Am I being over sensitive?
My partner just says that's how they used to do back in the day? But I had told her few weeks ago I will not do it back , why on earth did she think it was a good idea?

Thank you

There are strict guidelines covering the use of physical punishment section 58 of the Children Act 2004,
Physical punishment will be considered "unreasonable" if it leaves a mark on the child.
There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punish- ment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on a child.

Your M acted unreasonably.

@ivfbeenbusy

Every younger generation seems to think the one before did everything wrong and that they know best. Just like the older generations look at us and think the same. This is a prime example of that. 99% of us here would have been smacked.....pretty sure we all turned out fine 🤷‍♀️ . I don't smack my kids but I do shout - I suppose their generation will ban that too when it's their turn 🤣🤦‍♀️

Arrgh turning out fine isn’t the point 🤦🏼‍♀️ It’s lazy and spiteful at best and it’s good things have moved on, do I think smacking parents were wild child abusers no but am I glad it’s not the norm anymore hell yes, people going too far with their physical discipline have less places to hide when it’s not normalised.

I’m shocked by some of these responses. Pinching a toddler is pretty nasty behaviour. It is calculated and to pinch hard enough to leave a mark is awful. Your poor daughter.
None of my children have bit or pinched but that was just luck, not my superior parenting. One scratched and hit when cross/upset/frustrated.
I don’t know if your child goes to nursery or not but if nursery see the bruise and she tells them grandma pinched her then nursery will inform children’s services.

I had one biter out of 3 dc. He had speech delay, which I think contributed to his frustration and tendency to lash out. Unfortunately he did on one occasion bite his sister, who reacted in the moment by biting him back. It did seem to have some effect on him, but the difference is she was five, your dm is a grown adult. And I think rightly, we no longer condone adults lashing out at children. I’d want an apology from your mum, and a promise never to use physical chastisement again. Then finding strategies to deal with your dd is a separate issue.

Thanks all, I'm being firm with DD and we have time out. I'm mortified that she bites I really am, my eldest never did.
She doesn't go to nursery at the moment, but has a cousin in close age that my MIL has for few hours together and thankfully has never bitten her or a child.
I do think my mum did thinking she was helping me out somehow
But if DD becomes frustrated I can normally distract from her pinching or biting me.
And trying to give her as much 1-1 time.

There are actually people on here defending a grown woman biting a very small child.
Biting is not ok. Adults know this and children need to learn. But not by being deliberately bitten by someone who is supposed to have more control and is there to guide them.

Oh pinched, sorry. But same thing.

I am really shocked at some of these responses. If my mother hurt my child and marked them, I would go absolutely mental! There is no way they would be allowed near my child until the recognised what they did was wrong and wouldn't be allowed to be alone with them even after. Absolutely no way!

You over reacting. Your daughter needs to learn and I’m sorry if she’s clearly not listening to you then I don’t blame your mom. Biting really fucking hurts, be glad she did it to your mom and not another child.

I am shocked people think it's ok for an adult to retaliate and pinch a child so hard it leaves a mark.

Most young children bite at least once ffs. The function of this behaviour is usually frustration at not being able to communicate verbally and in 99% of cases it passes unless there is SEN. An adult should know better. I would be personally disgusted if my dm or anyone else (bar a similar aged child who is still learning) pinched my child.

Your Mother was wrong to bite your child, but you need to get a grip with this situation. Biting is completely unacceptable , and if you’re repeatedly explaining this your daughter, yet she still does it, then your method needs to change.
Keep talking to your Mother, don’t let this fall out become permanent. I once fell out with my Mother for nearly a year, I deeply regret it.

Shocked by some of the responses on here, using violence on a small child as a means of control or discipline is not ok and is likely to teach the child to use violence when they feel out of control in a situation. There's also the risk of seriously harming a child if you lash out in anger. I can't believe that so many people are excusing or minimising this behaviour.

Biting is completely unacceptable , and if you’re repeatedly explaining this your daughter, yet she still does it, then your method needs to change.

If adults bite or pinch and don’t realise it’s wrong then how can a 2 year old realise it’s wrong.

You are not over reacting. That would be very difficult for me to get past.

It'a no excuse that that was "the done thing" back then, you'd already set the boundary and said no. Plus this obviously didn't deter your dd and more distressed her severely around a grandparent!!

The crucial thing for me is that adults need to behave like adults. Retaliating with the very behaviour you want the toddler to stop is madness. I can see why you're so confused.

I'd put ball in mothers court. Send her a message outlining (non emotiOnally) your position and asks where she thinks you go from here. See if she apologises. If she defends this method of discipline then you know what to do - she won't respect your parenting so move away.

I really don’t agree with biting a child back, I can sort of see how it could work but it will never sit right with me. My second eldest was a biter, she used to do it when she was over excited about something. She bit me really hard on the thigh one day, drawing blood, I howled out because it was so painful and she never done it again after that, she was so upset at my reaction. But an adult biting or pinching deliberately just seems a bit calculating to me.

Bruises can come out immediately if the pinch is hard enough

Tell her she is only allowed around your child if she can keep her hands and feet to herself

If you know your dealing with a biter you can be on your guard for it ds3 was a biter would lunge like a snapping dog I would preempt him by putting my hand on his forehead and covering his eyes he hated that and would instantly turn away and it distracted him I would then give him his chew blanket to bite on (he is sen and a biter) eventually it developed into him going off and biting his blanket not the person he did bite someone at school but they have a pencil topper for him to bite now so it hasn't happened since

Yes you are overreacting. Your way is obviously not working if your DD is still biting people. Your Mother should have not have pinched your daughter, but when she explained what happended you should have listened and explained your thoughts calmly. I hate to be 'one of those people' but too many parents these days are in the 'you can't tell my child what to do' and the country is far worse because of it.

OP has not said "You can't tell my child what to do", though has she?

She just doesn't want anyone hurting her child. We are talking about a two-year-old here.

If things are otherwise ok with your mum
I'd just ask her not to do it again and talk about how you both would deal with it next time. Bites are very, very painful and I pushed my child away when she bit me a few times, I can see how someone could instinctively pinch (also obviously shouldn't).

I didn't have anyone else look after my daughter when she was in that stage (which coincided with pregnancy and newborn). It was awful but she's older now and wouldn't dream of biting or hurting anyone. My youngest never went through that stage and I didn't parent them differently to my knowledge.

I'd just see your mum socially and not ask for help for the time being.

Small children can bite, I know older children in reception year who were still biting at times. 2 is very young. Yes you do need to get your daughter out of the biting habit but it’s a common issue for that age. Your mum is an adult, your DD is a two year old. That’s the difference. Your mum needs to apologise to your DD for hurting her.

@Reinventinganna

The 2 year old is learning that it’s not okay. The grandmother knows it’s not okay. Massive difference.

Clearly the two year old is not learning that its not ok if she keeps doing it! Maybe a short, sharp shock will be more effective!

Saying it's a phase does not mean that every child does it. It's a normal phase that SOME children go through. They do get through it, you don't need to hurt them for them to learn it's not acceptable.

@EIRA3
I'd be devastated if that happens to my daughter and I'd not want anything to do with her ever again family or not

I think she's crossed the line

As someone who has been bitten black and blue by my DC at the same stage, sometimes you react without knowing what you've done. I remember when mine bit down hard on my nipple, I hit out out of pure instinct. I cried once I'd realised what had happened (and from the blood pouring down my breast). Maybe it was one of those things? Only you know your mother and can decide what kind of person she is or how you'd like to move forward.

Did your mum pinch her in retaliation/as punishment? If so, not ok and once you calm down tell her it's unacceptable, not how you deal with behaviour, you are trying and to never do it again.

If she did it during to get DD to let go (DD bit my lip as a baby and wouldn't let go, the only way to get her off was to smack her bum. I had a bruised,fat,bleeding lip for ages) then it's more understandable and hopefully won't ever need to happen again , but you might want to not leave them unsupervised.

How's your DD now? How does she talk about your mother?