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My mum pinched my toddler DD

146 replies

EIRA3 · 09/04/2021 17:59

Hi, new to posting and just desperate for advise please. sorry it may be long winded I'm just very upset.

My loving DD is 2yrs 4 months and is going through some difficult tantrums right now, and is also biting, scramming and hair pulling when very frustrated.
I'm trying my best to stay calm, and being assertive no biting etc - I will not bite, scram or pinch back my choice but many ppl family tell me you need to bite back etc but I refuse.

Today My mother who has been great last few months since DS was born helping with house work etc was upstairs putting clothes away with DD and I was feeding DS downstairs - I hear DD screaming and crying and she came down the stairs in a bit of a state, told me she needed wee. I took her to the toilet and she said
Nana hurt and pointed to her leg and there it was a red mark with a bruise, I was in shock.
I calmed her down and my mum walked in and DD started shouting get out.
My mum then explained DD tried to get my make up and my mum said no and DD bit her for her to then to pinch her. She said she didn't realise how hard and that DD needs to stop biting ppl.
I'm so sad I cried, and asked my mum to leave and not sure where our relationship can go, we were so close but I can't have her do this to my child.
Iv not heard from my mother since.
Am I being over sensitive?
My partner just says that's how they used to do back in the day? But I had told her few weeks ago I will not do it back , why on earth did she think it was a good idea?

Thank you

OP posts:
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Yay4spring · 09/04/2021 19:30

I never left my children alone with my in laws as I couldn’t trust them to follow my DH and my wishes for my children because I could see them doing this and I don’t personally agree with even smacking a child - it boggles me that something that is illegal to do to another adult is legally acceptable for your own child - whereas my in laws slapped my DH round the face and head when they were in a tempter until he was old enough to physically stop them. Not sure that’s been legally allowed for at least a couple of generations and definitely left marks!
We still met up but my DH or I always stayed in eyesight and never left them with his parents.

The strategy that worked for our toddlers so might be worth a try. We found with our kids that telling them what was allowed “we just hug, stroke or tickle” in our family worked better than telling them what they couldn’t do “eg don’t hit, bite, smack”. Our most nervous child had a blankie so she could grip and bite that when emotions got on top of her.

Good luck with it all. Take care.

toocold54 · 09/04/2021 19:32

She BIT your mother. You need to deal with that before you go judging your mother about how she dealt with because clearly how you are dealing with it isn't strong enough

The child is two! Most toddlers go through a stage of biting or pinching. WTF is wrong with some people!!

One of the worst things you can do is do it to them back because they then think the behaviour is ok.

OP you are not being overly sensitive at all!! However as she done it as punishment (rather than snapped) then I’d sit down and talk to her that it is unacceptable and you choose not to raise your child like that.

UsedUpUsername · 09/04/2021 19:32

@EIRA3

Hi, new to posting and just desperate for advise please. sorry it may be long winded I'm just very upset.

My loving DD is 2yrs 4 months and is going through some difficult tantrums right now, and is also biting, scramming and hair pulling when very frustrated.
I'm trying my best to stay calm, and being assertive no biting etc - I will not bite, scram or pinch back my choice but many ppl family tell me you need to bite back etc but I refuse.

Today My mother who has been great last few months since DS was born helping with house work etc was upstairs putting clothes away with DD and I was feeding DS downstairs - I hear DD screaming and crying and she came down the stairs in a bit of a state, told me she needed wee. I took her to the toilet and she said
Nana hurt and pointed to her leg and there it was a red mark with a bruise, I was in shock.
I calmed her down and my mum walked in and DD started shouting get out.
My mum then explained DD tried to get my make up and my mum said no and DD bit her for her to then to pinch her. She said she didn't realise how hard and that DD needs to stop biting ppl.
I'm so sad I cried, and asked my mum to leave and not sure where our relationship can go, we were so close but I can't have her do this to my child.
Iv not heard from my mother since.
Am I being over sensitive?
My partner just says that's how they used to do back in the day? But I had told her few weeks ago I will not do it back , why on earth did she think it was a good idea?

Thank you

I think you are being too hard on your DM. You need to set expectations with your DM first and let her choose whether or not to help look after your DD with your rules in mind.

That’s probably how she parented, so she’s just doing what comes naturally to her.

It also sounds like your DM can’t handle this toddler, so it might just be better for all to hire a professional anyway

Interested in this thread?

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pizzaobsessed · 09/04/2021 19:34

@ivfbeenbusy

She BIT your mother. You need to deal with that before you go judging your mother about how she dealt with because clearly how you are dealing with it isn't strong enough
This
EmpressSuiko · 09/04/2021 19:40

My son used to bite, the amount of people that told me to bite him back was crazy! We ignored him, claiming told him no and gave him a safe alternative to bite. He has autism so it was sensory related, having teething toys and sensory toys designed for chewing on helped a lot!

Elieza · 09/04/2021 19:42

Back in the day an attitude of ‘do back to the child what they do to you so they can see how sore it is and learn not to do it’ was an acceptable thing.

Now it’s not. But she’s your mum and she’s if a generation who used other methods, so she should get a chance to redeem herself. It’s one bruise. It’s bad but not horrific. I doubt the child will suffer any long term effects. Apart from perhaps never biting grannie again.

Perhaps you could discuss your strategy with your mum so she knows how to handle any future episodes of naughty behaviour. That will empower her to use more acceptable methods of learning there are consequences for naughty behaviour, be it timeouts or whatever.

EIRA3 · 09/04/2021 19:43

Thanks all for your replies, there's a few to go through.
My DM used to smack me as a child and has told me many times she bit me back at the age of 2 and I never bit again - but I had told her this isn't the way I want to bring my children up.
I have a teenage DS too and hes was nothing like DD, she is a handful as someone pointed out and it definitely has something to do with baby DS but we are addressing it.
I just felt uncomfortable with what happened and with the lack of sleep it's clouded my judgement and hence seeking advise from here.
My DM is such great help and we have a great relationship and has mentioned few times how busy DD.

Parenting is definitely difficult!
I think I will leave dust settle, and have a chat and got from there.
Thanks again

OP posts:
toocold54 · 09/04/2021 19:44

There has got to be some trolls on here this evening!!

As a teacher I’ve recently had a glue stick thrown at me - should I have thrown the glue stick back?
Should I grasp it in my hand make a fist and give the kid a good wollop knowing my strength would most probably knock him out? Or do I not resort to violence knowing I am an adult and that’s a child.

I wonder if the step dad did this the replies would be any different Hmm

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2021 19:45

It’s shocking isn’t it.

MissyB1 · 09/04/2021 19:49

@EIRA3

Thanks all for your replies, there's a few to go through. My DM used to smack me as a child and has told me many times she bit me back at the age of 2 and I never bit again - but I had told her this isn't the way I want to bring my children up. I have a teenage DS too and hes was nothing like DD, she is a handful as someone pointed out and it definitely has something to do with baby DS but we are addressing it. I just felt uncomfortable with what happened and with the lack of sleep it's clouded my judgement and hence seeking advise from here. My DM is such great help and we have a great relationship and has mentioned few times how busy DD. Parenting is definitely difficult! I think I will leave dust settle, and have a chat and got from there. Thanks again
Very Sensible OP. Give your mum a ring tomorrow and talk it through calmly, I’m sure she’s just as upset as you.

I suggest time outs for the biting and hair pulling etc.. pop her in her cot/ bedroom for two minutes with a short clear explanation of why.
Also try and make sure she’s getting one on one time with you each day. And praise caring gentle behaviour.

BertieBotts · 09/04/2021 19:50

She's TWO. It's not a reasonable or deserved response, biting is a perfectly normal age appropriate (if unpleasant) phase, the right way to deal with it is to consistently offer them something else to bite (frozen teether is great), reiterate that no, biting is not OK, supervise between biting-phase child and any vulnerable people, and they grow out of it. And try to stay aware of the pre-bite signs and move any potential victim (or indeed the child) out of the way.

OTOH, although your mum's response was wrong, I think it was an understandable response from her as well. Less so than the toddler, because she is an adult and should know better, but it is the kind of thing, if repeated, you'd have been encouraged to punish with a smack or biting back if you go back 30 years or so (certainly if you go back further than this) and pinching was sometimes done as an alternative to smacking. And I think modern parenting does often let behaviours go further than old school parenting ever would have done, so it can result in a situation where the previous generation respond instinctively or in a way they feel used to work better, even though they may well understand that the modern response is different. The messages that they received when parenting will still be in place for them and it's not quite the same logic that we use today.

Old school parenting logic - nip something in the bud and it won't get worse. Use fear/pain as a last resort if absolutely necessary, used sparingly, it does no harm.

Modern parenting logic - some behaviours take a bit of time to abate. Patience is helpful, there's no need to ever use fear/pain as a discipline technique, as it can be damaging to the trust between parent and child. If something still doesn't go away then you need to look for the root cause.

She's done it meaning well, intending to help you and using the knowledge and experience she has of childrearing. Which doesn't mean it was helpful or the right thing to do. IME though, most people who still stick to the old school parenting logic only see the first part of the modern parenting logic, and miss the part in italics, so worry/assume that there is no alternative to the "last resort" that they had to fall back on. Her intention may have been to show you that it worked and that it didn't cause any lasting harm. I think this massively missed the mark, and was disrespectful of your parenting approach, but I believe that she genuinely thought what she was doing was something helpful and intended to relieve a burden of guilt on you. She also may not actually be aware of the extent to which the view has changed - she probably knows that physical discipline is now frowned upon, but it was 30 years ago as well, even though the prevailing logic did include it as a last resort, just not to the extent it is now. She may not be aware of the magnitude of the change in attitude and therefore the distress it would cause you.

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2021 19:51

@Weonlyhavealoanofit

Your little girls sounds quite a handful and the biting issue needs to be addressed. You’ve a lot on your plate and you didn't witness the incident with your daughter, so I don't think it left you with much time to consider how to react. Your daughter was upset about Granny and Granny was upset about your reaction and the thing has now escalated to where you are considering breaking off a life long relationship with your mother. Would that not be a little disproportionate? How are you going to feel if this present estrangement becomes set in stone? BTW after Granny had been dismissed from the house, what happened to the little one? You need to talk to your mum and your daughter about appropriate behaviour. Next year she will be at nursery, and if the biting continues she wont be a very popular child and being blunt about it, you will be blamed. They always blame the mothers.
No they don’t blame the mothers? If children go to a decent setting then they deal with the issues very well. One of mine was a biter and never once was I blamed for it, don’t try to scared the OP. She’s probably frustrated having a new baby in the house when she’s used to being an only child. Comments like this aren’t helpful at all.
Moonwhite · 09/04/2021 19:52

It always surprises me that there seem to be so many child haters on what is primarily a parenting forum...

I think what you need from your DM is a genuine apology where she shows understanding that what she did was wrong and won't be tolerated. Children need consistency of care, she needs to agree to parent your way.

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 19:54

My DS bit a couple of times but never when he was with me, once at soft play with the childminder and once at another soft play with my mum, so no chance of blaming me 😇😂 Seriously though they punished him by taking him straight home.

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 19:54

@Moonwhite

It always surprises me that there seem to be so many child haters on what is primarily a parenting forum...

I think what you need from your DM is a genuine apology where she shows understanding that what she did was wrong and won't be tolerated. Children need consistency of care, she needs to agree to parent your way.

And a scary amount that are parents/grandparents themselves
AdriannaP · 09/04/2021 19:56

Of course what your mum did was not right.

But I also think you have a problem if your DD goes round pinching and biting. Does she do this at nursery too? I am stunned by a child whose reaction to a no is to bite an adult. Quite frankly that’s very bad behaviour and you need to tackle it now.

SkedaddIe · 09/04/2021 19:57

Definitely not being over sensitive OP.

That said, dw and I both had a conversation with our mums (and each other) about grandmas spanking and we concluded that we wouldn't forbid our mums from spanking our dd, even though we don't do it ourselves and never will.

Personally feel if an adult still chooses to use violence against a child then they've failed.

Society has moved on and 'it's the done thing' isn't a reason anymore plus there isn't pressure to 'straighten out your kids'. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at a kid having a tantrum in public but 40 years ago for my parents it was a different world.

AdriannaP · 09/04/2021 19:59

To those saying it’s a phase you must be joking? My DC never bit anyone, child or adult. I wouldn’t be impressed at all jf another child bit her at nursery.

Deadringer · 09/04/2021 20:00

Your mum shouldn't have touched your child, she was 100% in the wrong there. But it sounds like you have a great relationship and she has been a wonderful support to you, so if she reacted without thinking and is apologetic about it i would forgive her and move on. Your dd is very young and biting is very difficult to prevent, it happens in the blink of an eye, but you really need to be very firm with her that it is unacceptable behaviour.

Clymene · 09/04/2021 20:01

Some toddlers bite. It's the luck of the draw if you get a biter. And I say that as someone whose children weren't biters.

LavenderEast · 09/04/2021 20:01

Your daughters behaviour is not OK, and needs dealing with in a way that you are comfortable with but also works. The excuse she is 2yrs 4 months and its just a phase is not acceptable. When I was a child (age 7) at childminders the child minders 2 year old bit me on the face and has left a scar below my eye.

Your mother may have been a little harsh and pinched a little harder than she meant but it does seem like she did something to discipline your daughter that you won't. If you keep making excuses for your daughter and what age will you finally discipline her in a way that makes her realise what she is doing is totally unacceptable beahviour

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 20:04

@AdriannaP

To those saying it’s a phase you must be joking? My DC never bit anyone, child or adult. I wouldn’t be impressed at all jf another child bit her at nursery.
🥇🥇🥇 What did you do to cause this, pray tell.
ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 20:05

Every younger generation seems to think the one before did everything wrong and that they know best. Just like the older generations look at us and think the same. This is a prime example of that. 99% of us here would have been smacked.....pretty sure we all turned out fine 🤷‍♀️ . I don't smack my kids but I do shout - I suppose their generation will ban that too when it's their turn 🤣🤦‍♀️

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 20:06

@Clymene

Some toddlers bite. It's the luck of the draw if you get a biter. And I say that as someone whose children weren't biters.
Exactly the boasts are making me laugh, like they had any part in the matter, neither of my DD’s ever bit and as I said DS bit twice and that was it.
Skysblue · 09/04/2021 20:07

You’re not overreacting. A quick reflex smack I could maybe understand, but there’s something v nasty about a pinch and anyway, leaving a mark on a child is a big deal. Pretty sure is illegal too. Maybe point that out to her.

Stick to your approach OP! Just make sure there are other sanctions for DD biting not just a telling off she doesn’t care about, maybe like loss of screen time / a time out in the corner or whatever method you’ve chosen to make her regret the biting. (If she doesn’t regret it she won’t stop).

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