Defensive parents - iPads

[Imbarb]

Why do other parents get get defensive whenever I say I don't give my 2 year old an iPad? 🧐

@BigPyjamas

They are defensive because your comments are full of judgement.

You do sound smug.

I wouldn't have replied as they did, but I'd probably just stop seeing you tbh.

As a PP said, better responses would have been:

1. Thank you, yes she is very chatty.
2. Oh, lovely. And did they have a nice birthday?

My thoughts exactly, no one was asking for your opinion on iPads therefore no need to share.

Also beware that when they start school they use iPads and PCs. The school teacher advised us to allow our DC more time on these at home as they weren't as good at mouse control or using apps as most of the other children.

@moanieleminx

People get defensive if you highlight anything that they know deep down is not good, but they choose to ignore it and do it anyway.

Yes, I agree with this.

Oh dear OP remember that pride comes before a fall. One of my friends was utterly obsessed about her kids avoiding screen time. She used to lord it over me about her child’s superior vocabulary because I let my kids watch tv. Fast forward to the teenage years and my DD is confident and engaging to talk to while her DS rarely looks up from his shoes. She asked me the other day how did DD become so confident and I was so tempted to say it must have been all the BBC Kids shows she watched when she was a toddler!

But I didn’t because she’s a good friend and I’m not an arsehole. I said I have no idea, she has just grown up that way but I’m sure there is teenage disaster just around the corner. That’s how these conversations go. Be kind and don’t try to take credit for the good stuff because next minute your kids will stuff up and you will need good friends around you who will listen without judging!

@4PawsGood

I think you also don’t understand that you can limit the time. Ours had half an hour of screen time while I was cooking dinner. Having an iPad doesn’t mean ‘glued to it’.

I think you also need a bit of understanding about other people’s situations. Other people have different children/partners etc and may struggle to get simple household tasks down more than you. Perhaps they’re not willing to leave their child crying while they have a shower. Perhaps they have another child. I’m guessing you don’t. Maybe they are just at the end of their limit and it gives them a break so they don’t totally lose it.

Definitely this.

It's the presumption that just because they use them from time to time that they must be "addicted" to them, to the extent that they don't speak or interact with their parents.

@Imbarb I'm guessing you don't have a lot of close friends...

Nail on head here.

My DD was holding full conversations at two, iPads not around then but she watched a shit load of tv. Loads of people judged me.

Good job I didn’t give a flying fuck

I think it’s similar to when people ask why someone is vegan and they answer ‘due to the animal suffering of the meat and dairy industry’.

They are generally not being smug and just being honest about their reasons. However, the majority of people feel judged by the answer because we all know how awful the industries are, but tend to turn a blind eye because it makes our lives easier. (I’m not vegan btw, but it think they get a lot of unnecessary flack).

It’s the same with electronics for young toddlers. Most people know it’s not great but some will use them as it makes life easier in the short run. Nobodies judging but because you’re not necessarily making your life easier it feels like you are!
Fwiw, I don’t think you sound smug at all, but I will add, (and this is supposed to be light hearted advice) it’s a lot easier to avoid the iPads and phones when you only have one young child. You might change your mind if you have more children or as your one gets older!

OP - you have one 2YO. You do realise you can’t possibly have it all figured out, right?!

I do think those comments sound judgement, sorry. My DD2 has never used an ipad, shes watched cartoons on my phone maybe 2-3 times in her life and we put the tv on for 30 mins in the morning then watch a family movie once a week, thats it. She's got a speech delay and talks like a furby, doesnt do anything shes told and hasnt got much concentration. Not criticising her, shes perfect but shes certainly not flying ahead from lack of TV. My niece on the other hand has almost unlimited screen time as her mum is a clean freak and spends all day scrubbing the house instead of interacting with her, and she talks like an adult at 2.5.

Do what you want, let other parents do what they want but screen time is not evil and limiting it may well have absolutely nothing to do with how super advanced your child is.

@Imbarb

Everyone calling me smug etc is defensive. This is my point.

I shared a conversation with my friend who told me my toddler spoke so well for her age and I replied 'I have nothing to compare it to other than I guess she's not yet glued to an iPad'

She responded 'what's that supposed to mean'

It meant nothing other than what it said.

Another conversation with a different person when my toddler turned 2, she said 'I got my son N iPad for his Birthday' I said, oh luckily she's not into iPads yet. She replied 'why's that lucky, so you think it's bad?'

Like apparently, wanting your kids to be present is bad because it offends other parents lol.

I've never been smug, what's there to be smug about? It really does trigger so many parents though quote clearly shown in these responses

Those are really judgemental comments lol and not even accurage. My 15 mo is talking in full sentences, obsessed by reading, and loves running around all day, but still loves watching Little Baby Bum or calling his grans on the ipad.

My 2.5yo has extremely limited screen time (TV for 15 mins on a Saturday and Sunday) but I've never had anyone get defensive about it. I would also never refer to anyone else's toddler as 'glued' to an ipad or imply that my way of parenting was better than theirs. You say you didn't mean to, but that is how the comments are coming across.

Maybe some parents wish their child had less screentime but they need to get things done, so get defensive if it's implied that screentime is bad for them.

You daughter is probably just good at talking - one of my friends has a daughter who is a week older than my son and she gets a lot of screentime but her speech has always been more advanced than my son's.

@Remaker

Oh dear OP remember that pride comes before a fall. One of my friends was utterly obsessed about her kids avoiding screen time. She used to lord it over me about her child’s superior vocabulary because I let my kids watch tv. Fast forward to the teenage years and my DD is confident and engaging to talk to while her DS rarely looks up from his shoes. She asked me the other day how did DD become so confident and I was so tempted to say it must have been all the BBC Kids shows she watched when she was a toddler!

But I didn’t because she’s a good friend and I’m not an arsehole. I said I have no idea, she has just grown up that way but I’m sure there is teenage disaster just around the corner. That’s how these conversations go. Be kind and don’t try to take credit for the good stuff because next minute your kids will stuff up and you will need good friends around you who will listen without judging!

THIS ^

And in the situation OP describes I shared a conversation with my friend who told me my toddler spoke so well for her age

I would have replied with something along the lines of 'yeah, it can be really annoying sometimes', making light of it, not using it to try and make myself look better and generally minimising it because I too am not an arsehole and realise that children all develop at different rates and a toddler who speaks well is indicative of nothing.

What works for one child or one family is totally different to another.

Why is it so hard to respect other parents choices?

Unless you are living like a saint then there will no doubt be things you do that other parents don’t. Do you want to be judged by that?
Do you want to spend your parenting life feeling like you have to tow an invisible line and can’t make your own choices based on your own critical evaluation?

In saying that your choices are right and that others choices are wrong then you are implying that you are smart and they are stupid, that you are a good parent and they are a bad parent. And so on. But that can’t be true OP - you are surely not smarter than every single other parent who uses an iPad or TV with their child? Are you smarter than me? My child uses both and has done for ages. I am not an idiot. I am not a bad parent.
Should we compare 2 year olds to see who’s is more advanced? Should we do a parenting exam to see who knows more about raising a child?

A toddler having appropriate access to tv or iPad isn’t the same as them shooting heroin into their eyeballs. The majority of things in life have good and bad aspects and the right thing to do is critically evaluate your own life and child and do what is best for you. Then accept and respect that it may not be the same as the next person

@SmellsLikeWineIGuess

OP - you have one 2YO. You do realise you can’t possibly have it all figured out, right?!

And the fact that she has one child is far more likely to be the reason the child is chatty rather than a lack of iPads.

My first never stopped talking, my second didn't need to talk because his brother brought him everything and my third never stopped talking just to make herself heard.

We spoke about my child I answered I regards to my child.

With a huge implied criticism of the other parent.

You know all children are different yeah?
My DS had an extensive vocabulary at 2 and also had access to an iPad occasionally.

If the conversation went exactly as you described then you do sound smug and superior.

I think you need to work on your delivery OP. People are responding defensively because you ooze disapproval

Wow! I am not embarrassed to say my toddler has had way more screen time than I would ideally like due to periods of isolation, me working from home , having less places to go etc his speech is excellent and nursery often comment on how good it is. This year has been a nightmare for many people , the last thing anyone needs is judgey comments! The word ‘glued’ is incredibly loaded. Either you lack social skills or you are just looking for a reaction.

How I 'sound' anything is beyond me because you can't hear my tone. I can only assume despite me telling you that I am not judgemental and you assuming all sorts of scenarios, that you've lived these situations.

Anyway - note to self - do not buy my child an iPad or you will become trapped in a battle with your own thoughts and get defensive of your choices against parents who chose different paths!!

Peace ✌🏼

😂😂😂 imagine denying being smug then coming back to the thread with that!!

@Imbarb

How I 'sound' anything is beyond me because you can't hear my tone. I can only assume despite me telling you that I am not judgemental and you assuming all sorts of scenarios, that you've lived these situations.

Anyway - note to self - do not buy my child an iPad or you will become trapped in a battle with your own thoughts and get defensive of your choices against parents who chose different paths!!

Peace ✌🏼

I'm curious.... why even mention iPads?

When people commented my my DS I just said thank you 🤷🏼‍♀️

@AnneLovesGilbert

She hasn’t said the other woman’s child was glued to an iPad. So it’s not necessarily a direct comparison.

Exactly this - their child is 15 😂 but the assumptions and defensive slashing has actually entertained me.

Lots of angry mummies online 😇

Whether you come across as judgemental is for other people to tell you rather than for you to decide.

What's your response to the many people on the thread who have never had tablets at home and still think you're being judgemental?

The responses people gave you are natural responses to your lack of tact. For every person who responds like that there will be more who don't say anything but feel annoyed at your rudeness and wish they had said something. I avoid tactless people. It sounds like you don't want to work on your social skills though or even accept there's a problem. That's fine, but you will probably continue to get responses like this and it will affect people's opinion of you.